All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

Looking tonight?
Perhaps.
What are you looking for?
I'm not looking for what you're looking for.
Then what are you looking for?
I'm looking for what you tell your friends you're looking for.

 

I can't believe we've been friends for this long.
And to think we owe it all to a gay hookup site.
Something about your profile told me you'd be a cool guy.
Yeah, I'm glad we found each other.
We never would have met if I hadn't messaged you first.
Or if you had been ugly.

 

I'm still puzzled why you go for the swishy, effeminate guys.
Why does that surprise you?
You aren't like that at all.
That never stopped you from dating stupid bitches with too much makeup and fake tits.

 

I used to fuck that guy for a while.
How did you know him?
He lived 1,625 feet from me.

 

Thanks for inviting me over for dinner.
Thanks for helping to cook.
Everything was so good!
We should probably fuck before the food turns into poop.

 

I'd like to make a deposit.

 

Did you hear somebody puking in the alley last night?
No.
He probably knew what we were doing in here.

 
Jealous?

 

I have an internal hemorrhoid, sooo none of that for a little while.
That's okay.
You don't mind?
You should know by now, I love you for what's on the outside.

 

The results in and now we have conclusive proof of why you are gay.
Are you sure?
We did hundreds and hundreds of scientific studies with strict controls.
So what's the reason?
Says here that men give better blowjobs.
No arguments here.

 

Y'know under all these new laws, all I have to say is I'm transgender and I can use the ladies' room.
Just because your genitals are tucked between two folds doesn't mean you can pass for a woman.

 

We've been together for a year.
I know. It's been the longest...
Year of your life? I know how you feel.
...I've been with a guy.
It's been great.

 

Excuse me, I'm taking a survey. Have you ever been discriminated against?
Well, I live in a country where I can still be fired for what I do in the privacy of my own bedroom...
Businesses can refuse to serve me, religious leaders openly suggest I use different restrooms, and politicians introduce bills to prevent me from marrying someone I love,
I meant to your face.

 

I finally found some time to take some vacation.
Where are you going?
The boyfriend and I are going to prance off to England.
They already have a wrinkled, old queen.

 

What do you recommend at this bar?
Our signature cocktail is called, "The Butt Flu"
What's that?
A roofie with a shot of HIV.

 

I just have to update my fantasy football picks.
Boring.
You've never played fantasy football?
Not like you do.
And now, we hit the showers.

 

We've been at it all night and we still can't find the cheese.
We'll never find it in this maze.
I smell something around the corner.
Freedom?
If they aren't out in ten minutes, I'm sending in the cat.

 

What happened here?
Farticle acelorater.
Don't you mean particle acelorater?
Not even the Large Hadron Collider could cause this much devastation.
So it was a methane explosion?
Nah, two lesbians were scissoring away and simultaneously queefed.

 

Let's go down to the playground and hookup.
The playground? Isn't that a bit weird?
When I was a child, I broke my hymen when my brother jumped off the seesaw, and now that's the only way I can get off.
I thought I was the only one into the Teeter-Twatter.

 

Woof.
Ignore.
That's just my way of saying I think you're handsome and I'd like to get to know you.
Thanks, but you're not really my type.
You sure I can't buy you a drink?
There's no such thing as bear goggles.

 

It is being reported that Omar Mateen would drink himself into a stupor at gay nightclubs and message guys on Jack'd.
So instead of being remembered as a martyr to Islam and loyal ISIS jihadist, Omar Mateen will forever be known as a self-hating faggot whose religious ideology was weaker than his urge for cock.
Hey! I just figured out how to deter future attacks!

 

Anything interesting on the convention coverage?
Elizabeth Warren is visiting the Clinton family box.
Rachel Maddow?

 

Where are the condoms?
Family Planning is in aisle 10.
Butt sex doesn't cause babies, I just want to fuck.

 

I'm going to hit the dance floor.
I'll be here.
I should check on my friend...
How long do you want to stay?
As long as they have gin.

 

My husband and I are going to adopt.
Congratulations.
I don't think I'll ever have kids.
You really don't need an excuse for some young thing to call you, "Daddy."

 

Any New Year's Resolutions?
I'm going to detoxify.
What's the first step?
Get the fuck out.

 

I'm going to have to start buying condoms again.
Have you tried vegan condoms?
Of course not.
Don't you care about the products that go into your ass?
Both have meat in them if used correctly.

 

Dear Fag: I'm sorta into this guy, but I saw his nudes and he has a weird looking dick. What do I do?
Dear Sir or Madam...
Do you have eyes in your ass?

 

I'm a Gold Card Gay. I've never had sex with a woman.
I'm a Platinum Card Gay. My mom had a C-Section, so I've never even touched a vagina.
Rhodium Card?
Honey, I don't even eat tacos.

 

Your mother and I had one of each. Your sister is like me.
Because she's a Type-A control freak.
And you're like your mom.
Because I'm easy going.
I suppose, but you really love cock.

 

I accepted a job in a new city.
What are you going to do with your place?
I just put it on the market.
What about your boyfriend?
I put him on the market, too.

 

I grew up Mormon.
So, if I ever meet your parents...
Will they be upset that I offered to put coffee in your mouth before my dick?

 

Well, here we are. Both single again.
At least we have each other.
It's too bad we're not sexually attracted to each other.
Are we old enough to settle?
No.

 

Okay, before I prescribe you the Truvada, I want to go over the side effects.
It can cause kidney failure, severe liver problems, headaches, abdominal pain, bone thinning, lactic acidosis leading to death...
Hmmm.
And weight loss...
Sign me up.

 

Every year, I ask you what you want for Christmas and you say, "Nothing."
That's right.
You have to want something,
You can't find the things I need in a shopping mall.
Like World Peace?
No, a really good prostate orgasm.

 

Dick.
Ass.
Well, that worked out nicely.

 

Just so you know, since the last time we were together, I was diagnosed with HIV.
Are you taking your meds?
Yeah, and I'm undetectible.
I'm on PrEP and if we use protection with your undetectible status, there is a nearly zero chance of transmission.
Cool. Now if I could just get over this cold I'm fighting.
Get away.

 

Can I help you find anything?
I'm looking for dryer balls.
You're not going to get them from me, honey.

 

GOOD NEWS! We've discovered a cure for HIV in mice!
Do you know what this means?
I don't have to worry anymore about you making Larry ass fuck me bareback in front of all the lab technicians?
Right! You'll get to enjoy it now!

 

My hotel in Italy comped me a full body massage.
From a man or woman?
Short, round, hairy Italian dude.
How did you keep from getting a boner?
I closed my eyes and pictured a short, round, hairy Italian dude.

 

People are really getting desperate.
Yeah. Last night, I sucked three dicks for a package of toilet paper.
Three dicks! Was it worth it?
No.
But they really needed the toilet paper.

 

COVID-19 is God's punishment for society's acceptance of the debaucherous gay lifestyle.
Then why is he killing old, straight people?
by AccentuateNegative, 3-28-20

 

How soon after this is over do you think we will get together?
You're the first person I want to see.
Really?
Yeah...
Because you'll spread faster than this virus.

 

Dear Fag: Is every Tuesday Taco Tuesday for lesbians?
Of do they just call it Tuesday?
Dear Cinco de Mayonaise: Every day is Taco Day for lesbians...
Until three months later when they move in together and adopt cats.

 

I can't get any work done at home.
Why not?
I can hear the lesbians next door banging non-stop.
Wow, they're that horny?
Probably.... They're remodeling their kitchen.

 

So when I tell my son he can't have a girl who he calls his "best friend" in his room with the door closed he asks me if he can have a boy in his room with the door closed.
And what did you say?
I said of course he can.
Did you ask your wife what she thought of that?
No, why?
Because moms always realize it first.

 

The bomb squad was called to an English hospital when a man was admitted with a World War II artillery shell stuck in his rectum.
The man said he was cleaning his house when he slipped and fell on the unexploded ordnance.
He could have really been hurt.
Luckily for him, his pants were already off, the shell was upright on the floor, and it was generously slathered in lube.

 

Dear Fag: Why do they call young, smooth, thin, gay guys "Twinks?"
Dear Ho Ho: Twinks is a shortnened form of Twinkies that has been used since the Sixties, but nobody is quite sure where they got that name.
But I think it's because they have cream squirting out of three holes.

 

My super power is that I know the size of all my friends' dicks.
That's not a super power.
I think it is.
But you've had sex with all of us.
Every super hero has a weakness.

 

I finally got the Covid.
How bad is it?
It's pretty mild and I haven't lost my sense of taste.
So you're still going to wear that ratty old PacMan shirt?

Showing page 19.

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