All comics by edoggydog

 

by edoggydog
12-29-06
Last night, I found out a long time friend of mine is Jewish...
Thank GOD I never went on a "Mel Gibson" rant in front of him! But, I did have a major faux pas last week, however...
...when I went "Michael Richards" on a couple I didn't realize were black!

 

by edoggydog
12-29-06
My owner and I are here on vacation in Jamaica...
Today, I tried to bury three of the biggest turds I've ever seen laying in the sand...
Turns out they weren't turds, but young Jamaican children sunning themselves!

 

by edoggydog
12-30-06
So, next week is 2007... Big fucking DEAL!
I predict our troops will still be in Iraq, Nancy Pelosi's face will melt off, revealing she's the Antichrist, the Chargers will win the Superbowl...
...and my owner will finally have that long-awaited aneurism!
WHY ARE THERE USED CONDOMS ALL OVER THE BED, AND MY BOTTLE OF OLD SPICE EMPTY? AAAH, YOU STUPID, FUCKING CAT!!

 

by edoggydog
1-02-07
In 2007, I also predict Iran will test detonate it's first atomic bomb...
...which will put the Israelis on alert, causing major tension in the oil markets...
...sending the price of catnip to over $300 per bushel! FUCK ME TO TEARS!!

 

by edoggydog
1-02-07
In 2007, I also predict Tom Cruise will come out of the closet...
...which will be news to no one. Well, except for Val Kilmer, who should have known, because while filming "Top Gun", Cruise stuck his finger up Val's-
'Scuse me! Just passing through...
What the FUCK??

 

by edoggydog
1-03-07
I heard a rumor going around that we cats suffer from autism...
Have you ever heard such bullshit?
Now, if you'll excuse me... It's three o'clock. Time for Wapner.

 

by edoggydog
1-03-07
...then, I pulled out of his eye socket and spooged all over his parrot!
Groovy!
[ ring, ring ]
Who is it?
GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THE STRIP, TOBOR!!
Yes, Mr. Fuzzyman. *sigh*

 

by edoggydog
1-03-07
Today, on they way to my vet appointment, I saw a homeless man hurriedly walking along the highway, as if he were headed somewhere...
I mean... Where the fuck does a homeless man need go? He's HOMELESS! It's been driving me nuts just thinking about it!
MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW...
HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING, YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT?!?

 

by edoggydog
1-08-07
I was up for a Rhodes Scholarship, a first for the felines!
But, based on a bullshit technicality about me being part Persian, and Homeland Security denying funding to any individual with potential terrorist-[*yawn* ] Sorry. It's been a full 24...
...minutes since my last nap, and I am [*YAWN* ] bushed! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

 

by edoggydog
1-10-07
Welcome to Yack in the Box, senor!
Groovy!
Okay... So you want "Super Yack" combo, or just the sandwich?
Just the sandwich. (I love how these latinos pronounce their J's like Y's!)
"Hey, Russ... We need one "Super Yack", senor!"
One "Super Yack" coming up, Paco! [YAAAAAAACK!! ]

 

by edoggydog
1-10-07
Who's next?
Groovy!
Welcome to "Yack in the Box"...
Don't you mean, "JACK in the Box"?
Nope. [YAAAAAAACK!! ]
EW!

 

by edoggydog
1-10-07
Our hero calls an "escort" service...
What say we turn out the lights and get "busy"?
Groovy!
[*sniff, sniff* ]What's STINKS?
Yack in the box...
Don't you mean, "Jack in the Box"?
Nope. I "dated" a drunk guy named Russ last night, and he YACKED in my BOX...

 

by edoggydog
1-10-07
My owner thought he'd save a little money by going to a cheaper brand of cat food...
But, the food tasted so bad, it made me yack in the box his new Bruno Mali shoes were in!
[*squish, squish* ]What the FUCK??
I think he'll find that in the long run, he'll save money buying the more expensive brand!
YOU RUINED MY BRAND NEW $800 PAIR OF SHOES, YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT!!

 

by edoggydog
1-13-07
*Groovy!
♫ I know you've got fleas... ♫
Woof!*
♫ I know you eat poo... ♫
♫ Don't you wish your girlfriend was a BITCH like me? ♫
*BUUUUUURRRRRP*

 

by edoggydog
1-13-07
♫ Don't you wish girlfriend had TITS like me? ♫
Groovy!
♫ Don't you wish girlfriend had TITS like me? ♫
Groovy!
♫ Don't you wish girlfriend had TEATS like me? ♫
Groovy!

 

by edoggydog
1-13-07
So, I go get food at the local burger joint, and the voice at the drive-through intercom says, "Welcome to Yack in the Box". I figured the person was latino...
Groovy!
"The food tasted horrible, so I went inside to complain to the manager. That's when I figured the person at the drive through wasn't a latino pronouncing her J's like Y's..."
Welcome to Yack in the BOX...
"I then preceded directly to the restroom and reacted accordingly!"
YAAAAAAAACK!!

 

by edoggydog
1-13-07
So, I go get food at the local burger joint, and the voice at the drive-through intercom says, "Welcome to Jack in the Box"...
Groovy!
"The food tasted horrible, so I went inside to complain to the manager. That's when I figured out the person at the drive through was a latino pronouncing his Y's like J's..."
Hola!
"I then preceded directly to the restroom and reacted accordingly!"
YAAAAAAAACK!!

 

by edoggydog
1-17-07
Wanna screw?
Groovy!
Aha, it is me, Crabby!
Does this mean we STILL have to screw?
Yes.
Ew.

 

by edoggydog
1-18-07
You went on a blind date last night, dad?
Yes, son. My buddy hooked me up with a tall, black woman named Yowanda...
Yowanda? HAHAHAHAHAHA Don't you know that she's a... a he... a he... a hehehehehe hehehehehehehe...
She's a what? Comedienne? Is that why she has such a deep voice and large hands?
(Later, Captain Obvious finds out that Lowanda is not, in fact, a comedienne, and immediately upchucks the porkchop sandwich he had for lunch!)
Lowanda's a MAN?? [YAAAAAAACK!! ]

 

by edoggydog
1-19-07
duh
Oh, whoa is me! Nobody loves me. Nobody pays me any attention- not even my stupid fucking cat...
?
Speaking of who... DINNER TIME!
WHOOSH!!
Oh, sure... NOW you pay me attention! AND, WILL YOU STOP DRY HUMPING MY LEG, YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT!!

 

by edoggydog
1-23-07
Debbie--your blind date is here.
Oh, boy! Yay!
Uh, you must be Tom...
Who said that?
...then, he tried to kiss me, but he mistakenly kissed a fast approaching Greyhound Bus. You should have seen the 500 foot blood smear!
Groovy!

 

by edoggydog
1-26-07
*pant*
My owner is babysitting the neighbor's dog... Just look at that dumbass!
*pant*
Y'know... If, I were in charge, I'd pass a law to have all dogs rounded up, castrated, put on the next shuttle, and then blasted in to outer space!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Or, not.

 

by edoggydog
1-29-07
[*ring, ring* ]
duh
Hello? Oh, hey, honey... What's up? What do you mean why haven't I called you? I've been waiting for YOU to CALL me...
!
I know I'm the one who always calls first! That's my POINT! I ALWAYS HAVE TO CALL FIRST!! I WANT YOU TO START TAKING THE FUCKING...
Y'know... It's times like these when I'm actually THANKFUL I'm fixed so I don't have to deal with the opposite sex!
...INITIATIVE AND CALL ME FIRST!! NO, I'M NOT SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!! I SWEAR, YOU'RE A BIGGER PAIN IN THE ASS THAN MY FUCKING CAT!!

 

by edoggydog
2-08-07
...and in Iraq today, 10,333 U.S. sold-iers died in an attack by Iranian sucide bombers. Bush then dropped an A-bomb on Teh-ran, killing millions!
Duh
China countered by declaring war on Taiwan, leading to Japan re-attacking Pearl Harbor , causing Russia to invade Belgium. This could lead to...
... the start of World War III! In other news... Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in her home today from an apparent overdose of Trimfast shakes.
Anna Nicole Smith is DEAD? Daaamn! What's the world coming to??

 

by edoggydog
2-15-07
*based on a true story
Yeah! She had the baby in the parking lot of the hospital. It dropped right into her pants!*
Groovy!
When asked of her experience of giv-ing birth in the parking lot, the woman said, "He was in my pants before I knew it..."
Which, ironically, is probably how she got pregnant in the FIRST place!
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA...
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA...

 

by edoggydog
2-15-07
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA- Uhhhh... Do you hear that noise which sounds like a huge semi-truck speeding headlong for us?
Nope. You must be hearing things, Clango...
(Clango wasn't hearing things...)

 

by edoggydog
2-15-07
When you combine a whore with a human, you get a "whoman"...
Groovy!
You're turn...
Okay... When you combine a gorilla with a nigger, you get more NIGGERS!
What?

 

by edoggydog
2-16-07
Ex-NBA player, John Amaechi, admitted in his new book that he is homosexual. To wit, Tim Hardaway says that he hates gays...
Amaechi responded that Hardaway's comments were detrimental to gays, and that EVERYONE should accept the gay lifestyle... I say, SUCK MY DICK, AMAECHI!!
Okay.
Groovy!

 

by edoggydog
2-27-07
...and I say we welcome all the aliens coming into this country illegally with open arm- Hey! Who the hell are you?
I'm just a stray cat who snuck into your home unwanted... You don't mind if I stay, do you?
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOME, YOU FUCKING FURBACK!!
Um... Where was I? Oh, yeah... We need to open our hearts and minds to illegals, and...
[*gasp* ]

 

by edoggydog
2-27-07
Sure... I'll tell you how I got all fucked up!
Groovy!
"I was in a back alley, settling a bet with a friend of mine, when..."
I think your full of shit, Tyler!
Seriously, dude... If, I stick my finger in the barrel, and you pull the trigger, NOTHING will happen. Go ahead... Pull the trigger!
=== KA-BOOOOM!!! ===

 

by edoggydog
2-27-07
Sure... I'll tell you how I got all fucked up!
Groovy!
"I was hanging out with the local slut, trying to settle a bet with her, when..."
I think your full of shit, Tyler!
Seriously, Holly... If, I stick my finger in your snatch, and you qweef one GIGANTIC pussy fart, nothing will happen! Go ahead... QWEEF!
=== KA-BOOOOOOM!!! ===

 

by edoggydog
3-19-07
I wish I knew some funny limericks... That would make you cunts laugh like a bag of dicks...
Then, I might be blessed, to win this contest... And, get a year supply of Meow Mix!
I wrote the previous while I was high on catnip and playing with what used be my balls... Sorry.

 

by edoggydog
3-24-07
I was gone for a while but now I'm back...
Groovy!
I'm such a narcissus, that I think everyone missed me, so I'm making this contest all about me...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Any questions?
Yeah... Who ARE you?

 

by edoggydog
3-24-07
My owner thought it be cool to bring me to work today...
I guess he thought I'd be a "pussy magnet" for him...
Redundancy abounds!

 

by edoggydog
3-26-07
Wanna here the latest about Wirthling..?
Groovy!
Uh, you gotta stop saying "groovy"... This contest is all about Gabe!
Oh, sorry. What should I say?
"Wirthling SUCKS!"
UP YOURS, GABE!!

 

by edoggydog
3-26-07
"What the..?"
Duh.
"WHY DID YOU THROW UP ON MY BRAND NEW FAX MACHINE??"
I couldn't find his $500 Treo cell phone, so I had to improvise!
"IT'S RUINED! YOU JUST COST ME ANOTHER COUPLE OF HUNDRED BUCKS, YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!! "
Hmmm... A couple more episodes like this should finally push him over the edge!

 

by edoggydog
3-29-07
On the set of "Asian Anal"...
Okay, start with doggy-style, sliding into some some 69 action, leading up to the anal finale. Now, I know you don't do anal, so I have a stand-in...
Groovy!
"ACTION!"
Wow! That was great sickity-nine! Prease, do me in ass now!
"CUT! Okay, send in the stunt cock..."
RARRRRR!!
TOO BUKU! TOO BUKU! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

 

by edoggydog
3-29-07
That's the 17th girl TOBOR has scared off the set this week! So, I've decided to try a new guy... Can you break it to TOBOR for me?
Groovy!
Sorry, dude...
"CUT! Okay, send in the NEW stunt cock!
CRANGO? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND??
What?

 

by edoggydog
4-03-07
I need you to hire a new greenskeeper to get rid of our gofer problem...
Groovy!
(Three days later...)
HELLO, MR. GOFER! RAAAAARRRR!!
AAAAAAAAAAA!!
What's TOBOR doing to that chipmunk?
Looks like a "reverse cowboy" from here, sir...

 

by edoggydog
4-19-07
Hey, you wanna hear what happened to BlackSheep?
Groovy!
He got paint-balled! HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA
OOF!
OOF!

 

by edoggydog
4-20-07
[*buuuurrrrp* ] Good feed!
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
What the..? I JUST FED YOU! JUST BECAUSE YOUR FOOD BOWL'S EMPTY, DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO IMMEDIATELY REFILL IT!!
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
OKAY! OKAY! GIVE ME A MINUTE WHILE I PUT ON SOME UNDER-WEAR, YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT!!

 

by edoggydog
4-23-07
Groovy!
Groovy!
Groovy!
Groovy!
We're supposed to be CLONES, dipshit!
Oh. Sorry.

 

by edoggydog
4-25-07
Duh.
What the HELL..?
?
WHY IS THERE A BLOODY RAT CARCASS STREWN ACROSS MY BRAND NEW, $300 PILLOW SHAMMY? FUCKING H. CHRIST!
Huh. You'd think he'd be HAPPY that I'm actually doing work around here...
WHO SENT YOU? WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY ARE YOU MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL, YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT?!

 

by edoggydog
5-01-07
So, there we were... Surrounded by cops, helicopter overhead, and the Grand Canyon staring us in the face...
Groovy!
How 'bout we just keep on going!
I'm with you all the way, Lard Toy!
Well... All the way to the cliff's edge, where I jumped out at the last minute.
I'm sure gonna miss that little minx!

 

by edoggydog
5-08-07
Here's a thought...
I don't know why they cal them "hairballs"...
Mine come out looking like "hair-sausages"!
What the..? I JUST STEP ON SOME HAIR-SAUSAGE-LOOKING THINGY! YECCCCCHHH!!

 

by edoggydog
5-09-07
My owner banned me from using his computer to surf the web...
...'cuz he came home early and caught me down-loading kitty porn.
What's this..? [click, click, click ] A VIRUS??
Whoopsie!
AAAAAAAAAAA!!YOU JUST RUINED MY BRAND NEW $5000 COMPUTER, YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT!!

 

by edoggydog
5-10-07
I'm going to announce to the world we're pulling out of Iraq...
Groovy!
(Meanwhile, in Al-qaeda's secret lair somewhere in Bagdad...)
...and due to constant pressure from the left to surrender, I'm announcing we're pulling out of Iraq.
Groovy!
Groovy!
Groovy!

 

by edoggydog
5-21-07
I just read that Bill Gates is going to donate $1.9 million to a pediatric AIDS foundation...
Groovy!
"Groovy"? Are you NUTS?? Why the hell are those children having sex in the FIRST place? Where's the paren-tal supervision? Maybe, they should take that money and throw...
Ahhhhh...FUCK ME! I'm going to bed...
*CLICK*
...some rubbers at those little sex fiends! Or, better yet, let's put the whore-ettes in chastity belts and throw away the keys! Or, chop off the genitals of...
GO TO SLEEP, GODDAMMIT!!

 

by edoggydog
5-21-07
(In a bar somewhere in downtown Long Beach...)
Groovy!
Hmmm... I wonder where my two-megaton atomic penis wandered off to...
======== Ka-BOOOOOOM!! =======
See? That's what happens when you don't keep your "willy" in your pants.

 

by edoggydog
6-09-07
So, I went over there, introduced myself, and told her that I'm a CFO of a major adult diapers company...
Groovy!
Not "groovy"! She just looked at me and laughed! I wonder why...
Your fly's open, dude...
Whaaaat?
Made ya look! HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA Late...

Showing page 19.

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