All comics by 0401040

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by 0401040
8-06-05
So, a man walks into a bar.
A midget who plays the piano!

 

by 0401040
8-06-05
Hey there my robot friend, how was your set at the comedy club last night?
I don't think anybody gets my humour. Oh well.
You need some new clothes.
Why?
I can see your penis.
Hoorah!

 

by 0401040
8-07-05
Take 1 ...
My word, a gust!
Ghost...
... Take 4 ...
My word, a goose!
I'm a GHOST, you prick!
... Take 12 ...
My word, August!
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE... I'LL BE IN MY TRAILER!

 

by 0401040
8-08-05
My dog has no nose.
How awful!

 

by 0401040
8-08-05
AAAAARRRGHHH!
YAAAAARRRGHHH!
Hey there my ghostly friend, how did the film acting go?
I had to play opposite some oaf who couldn't remember his lines.
AAAAARRRGHHH!
YAAAAARRRGHHH!

 

by 0401040
8-10-05
What did the big phone say to the little phone?
"I hate you, because you make me look obsolete!"

 

by 0401040
8-13-05
So, how was last night's show?
Quite good actually.
Really?
Yeah. I'm actually thinking of offering to meet with a lucky fan after my next show...
After his next show:
I can't believe I'm really talking to you! Can I have your autograph?
No! Piss off!

 

by 0401040
8-15-05
3.45AM
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Oh wait, there's nobody there.
3.48AM
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Wha?

 

by 0401040
8-19-05
What's the difference between a storm cloud and a lion with a thorn in its paw?
There is no difference! They're identical!

 

by 0401040
8-19-05
Well, I got laid last night...
Thanks, you've been a great audience.

 

by 0401040
8-22-05
Take 2...
I wonder who could be at the dour?
It's a door!
Sorry old chaps, I think I said dour instead of door. Can we try that again?
Did you even read the script?
Take 3...
I wander... Oops...
I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, MORON!

 

by 0401040
8-26-05
I went to see a band the other night.
It was elastic!

 

by 0401040
8-30-05
Excuse me sir, could you help me? My left wheel got stuck in a drain cover.
Do it yourself, lazy cripple.
What?
I bet you got yourself paralysed on purpose.
Hah! Seriously though, my wheel is stuck..

 

by 0401040
8-31-05
I've been having trouble sleeping lately.
I don't sleep, I'm a robot.
I've been hallucinating a lot too.
ZZZZZZzzzzzzz....
Hey, wake up!
I dreamt about a little toaster that grew a penis!

 

by 0401040
9-04-05
What's big and yellow?
A lemon-flavoured whale!

 

by 0401040
9-06-05
Hey, you're Jesus aren't you? Do that joke you do.
I don't know what you're talking about...
Aw, go on...
Sigh... I can see your house from here.
CLASSIC!

 

by 0401040
9-06-05
You know, we're in this bar quite a lot.
I've noticed that.
I wonder where the staff are?
Maybe they went back to Pakistan?
I'm just saying...

 

by 0401040
9-07-05
What's black, white and red all over?
Some pencils!

 

by 0401040
9-20-05
Holding bags on down right from the hospital...
It's a patient that's worth to keep the germs off the turf...
Cybernetic microscopes and metal antidote...
Two telescopes that magnify the size of a roach...
Three computers to cup of coffee planted with my hand and astroplanets detached...
Turn on rear foggers!

 

by 0401040
9-24-05
So there I was acting away, and suddenly one of my fellow thespians started shouting at me for no reason.
Excuse me?
Yes, what is it?
He was shouting because you didn't know your lines, having not read the script.
Wake up, son. Don't you know we professional actors are too busy to read scripts?
You said actors when you should have said morons.

 

by 0401040
9-30-05
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It pooed itself, and then exploded!

 

by 0401040
10-11-05
I'm mugging you, so give me all your money!
Hey, look behind you.
What? I don't see anything...
Wow, that green guy sure outsmarted me.

 

by 0401040
10-13-05
Hey you, robot!
Me?
Yeah you... I'm mugging you, so give me your money and valuables!
Yay, this is funny!
What's funny?
Somone mugged me earlier today, so I don't actually have anything to give you!

 

by 0401040
10-22-05
What's the hardest part of a poisonous frog to eat?
The poison glands!

 

by 0401040
11-08-05
YAAAAARRRGHHH! I fired my agent today.
What for?
I found out that actor who can't remember his lines is another client of his. He kept getting us the same jobs on purpose.
Wow. That's a coincidence. My agent used to do the very same thing.
Really?
No, not really!

 

by 0401040
11-09-05
I have invented a new literary device.
What does it do?
It radically alters the reader's sense of the situation twice in quick succession, so as to resolve with the original situation intact.
That sounds like a highly useful formula for plot twists.
Indeed it is. Coincidentally, I'm your father.
No you're not!

 

by 0401040
11-27-05
Hey, do you ossify?
Ossify? What does that mean?
To turn into bone or become bony.
I think I can see where this is going...
You've done it to me just by standing there!
I may only be thirteen years old, but I know when I'm being sexually harassed by a robot.

 

by 0401040
12-07-05
I have a plan.
Does it involve penises?
What makes you say that?
Oh nothing.
Well, it does involve penises, but I guess you don't want to hear it now.
No, I really don't.

 

by 0401040
12-07-05
Waiter waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
His name is Gerald.

 

by 0401040
12-13-05
It's getting kind of cold around here.
Is it?
Yeah, I almost regret being born.
Not really though.
Aw...

 

by 0401040
12-14-05
Daddy, what are you doing here?
Just came to say hi, Son.
You didn't have to do that.
Are you embarrassed by your old man?
Frankly yes.
Aw. Let's go get some ice cream and that'll make you feel all better.

 

by 0401040
12-14-05
Isn't this fun? A Father and Son day out.
Yes, it is actually.
(I have cancer)
What?!
Nothing.
You don't have cancer Daddy, you're a robot!

 

by 0401040
12-22-05
I woke up this morning and I cried. She came along and then later she died...
I sat on a hill and had a dream. I fell into and drowned in a stream...
Wow. Deep lyrics man. Who inspired those?
Steve Hogarth. I think I accidentally made them too good though.

 

by 0401040
1-03-06
Captain Dimus? What are you doing here?
Just getting a drink my good green fellow.
Let me buy you one, I'm a huge fan.
Oh sorry man, I've gotta go or my wife will kill me. I told her I'd be back for dinner and instead I stayed out until 3.00AM and slept with three prostitutes.
Wow. So awesome.

 

by 0401040
1-10-06
So... Do you like any... Stuff?
You could never understand the way I feel.
Cheer up, you.
Life is an empty void and our souls are lost for eternity.
I tell you what, stop talking for the rest of this date and I'll give you my after-dinner mint.
Deal.

 

by 0401040
1-10-06
So, I went out with that goth girl last night.
Did it go well?
Before we even ordered she said "Life is an empty void and our souls are lost for eternity."
Haha.
So not good then?

 

by 0401040
1-10-06
Why didn't the ghost go to the ball?
He was too tired!

 

by 0401040
1-16-06
I have a bad feeling about today.
Why, what could possibly go wrong?
Only about a billion things. I could slip on a banana skin and break my neck, I could drown in a bowl of soup, I could be run over by a Fiat Multipla.
It's like a hilarious fatal accidents list!
That's not helping.
Maybe an emu will kick you in the testicles and shatter your pelvis!

 

by 0401040
1-18-06
12.19AM
At last, I can get some sleep.
Ding dong!
Hey, what are you doing here?
I think I accidentally baked my keys into that cake you ate earlier. I'm going to need you to either vomit or defecate into a sieve.

 

by 0401040
1-28-06
Sometimes I get a little bored of just hanging around at this bar all the time.
Me too.
Then again, it is really really exciting.
It sure is.
Cough.

 

by 0401040
1-28-06
Take 11 ...
So, what are you having to eat darling?
I think I'll have the shrimp.
Are you sure? Aren't you supposed to be on a diet?
I'm a ghost honey, I can't gain weight.
Oh yeah, I frogot aboot... Oops.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! ELEVEN FUCKING TAKES! YOU FUCKING MORON!

 

by 0401040
1-30-06
Have you ever noticed how black people are all like "Yo!"?
What's up wit dat, nigga?!

 

by 0401040
1-30-06
Aren't you that guy from Snoopy?
Peanuts.
What?
It was called Peanuts, not Snoopy.
WHAT?!
Woah, hit a nerve there I think.

 

by 0401040
2-04-06
... and they didn't even say thank you!
That's hilarious!
Stop laughing at me.
Sorry Verbo, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Really?
No, not really!

 

by 0401040
2-14-06
One:
Will you be my Valentine?
No, I'm already seeing someone.
Two:
Will you be my Valentine?
I told you already, I'm thirteen years old.
Conclusion:
I hate Valentine's Day.
A thirteen year old blew me off!

 

by 0401040
2-26-06
What did the AMD64 say to the Pentium 4 Extreme Edition?
"My buswidth is twice as great!"

 

by 0401040
2-27-06
So, I said to her "Stop punching me or I'll call the police."
And what did she say?
She said "Go back to sleep honey."
Oh.
And then she punched me.
Nice save!

 

by 0401040
2-27-06
Take 1...
So, you want to work here on the fram? I mean farm...
...
Take 2...
So you want to work here on the farm? I hope you don't mind sleeping in the bran.
......
Take 3...
I hope you don't mind sleeping in the brain. Is it brain?
USE YOUR FUCKING BARN! I MEAN BRAIN!

 

by 0401040
2-27-06
Looks like we're nearing the end old buddy.
Yeah, I guess so.
We had some good times didn't we?
Did we?
to be continued...
Yeah, remember that time I swallowed your keys?
Oh yeah, and I had to scoop through your poo to get them back!

 

by 0401040
2-27-06
... continued
And all those hair-brained schemes you never put into action?
I liked the ones about penis best!
So.
So?
What now?
I have an idea! And yes, it does involve...

Showing page 2.

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