All comics by Blew_Crabs

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by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
I dunno about this, Coho...
Let's hurry! Living in a can is merely SOCIAL death.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
Give it a go. Shooting neutrons is just like playing marbles.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
Rally men! I will lead the charge on Charleston and nip this insurrection in the bud!
Does the Major realize that we are on an island?

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
How can you do this Jeb? On the eve of the family hunting trip?
I have to tell the people how we rigged Florida's election returns. This is the last day you bully me, Georgie!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-26-02
Hey... there are no kernels left on that cob!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-28-02
- THE RULES ADMINISTRATOR IS 'IN' -
Use at least one narration box as a sign.
- JELLY BELLIES® RENDERING AREA -
After reviewing your ingredients list, I fail to see "Pink WIGU Donkey." Unchain me.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-28-02
Well, were down to Maundy Thursday. How'd you do on your Lenten comittment?
I haven't had loveless sex since midnight at Mardi Gras.
Um... didn't you say you were giving up white lies?
I did? Must've forgotten.
You haven't had ANY kind of sex since 1999.
I believe it was 2000... you don't know her, she's from Canada.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-28-02
So you see, love is like quantum physics because, erm, when you look...
... uh, because it changes when...
GODDAMMIT! ENOUGH WITH THE_HEISENBERG_UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE ALREADY! DO YOU LOVE ME OR AM I JUST YOUR LAST RESORT FUCK FOR FRIDAY NIGHTS?!! SAY IT ASSHOLE!! SHIT, JUST SAY IT!!
ballistic bitch...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-28-02
Henry Miller
mmmm... further South mon cher...
Yeah, sure. Let's draw your coquette sister in here and I can drip in both Tropics.
Henry James
Stop being so ambiguous. C'mon now... turn the screw in me again!
Alrighty. But first, get your dashing brother in here and...
O Henry
YeoOWW! What tha... is that a....? Get that HAIRBRUSH outta me!
That's what you get for giving me a watch chain. No way am I'm inserting my heirloom pocket watch, you perverted minx!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-28-02
How I long for the days as the CEO of my own Enron subsidiary. The babes, the booze, the *bling-bling*...
Hey Buddy, where's my Colada's umbrella? Uhm... hellllo?...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-29-02
FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-29-02
No work today and it's gorgeous outside! Good Friday, I reflect on my spiritual side.
Origins of faith; a man and some mysticism. Soul, sacrifice and love supersedes recent criticism.
Too much Jaeger before noon. Methinks I'll puke this ham up real soon.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-29-02
It's good of you to fly up here! What would you like do?
I was reading this book on spiritual meditation spaces in Manhattan...
... and I'm totally up for the Sensory Deprivation Tanks.
So you're past the entire Oxygen Bar thingy now?
Yeah, the O-2 Chicas aren't sedated enough to sneak a fondle.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-29-02
Ain't it too cool that Cadillac uses that Led Zep song, Black Dog, in their new ads?
Aside from overpaid pro boarders ridin' in STSes, those cars are pretty much a dinosaur entity...
...And Led Zeppelin IV is older than I am.
Dang Whippersnapper.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-30-02
Maryland made it to the Final Four and I had to laugh at their nickname.
The Terrapin? It's a Native American word for a resilient, persevering creature.
'Turtle' means slow and obdurate in my book.
Hold on... I can word play 'turtle' in some way...

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-31-02
I blame Hallmark for what has become of the day. Proper reverence for tradition has been cast aside in the name of commercialism.
Can I expect the Gaychubs.com photos removed from the Stations of the Cross before Easter Mass begins?
At once, Monseigneur. Happy April Fools Eve.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-31-02
Clubbing 'til 3:30 Thursday, 5:30 Friday and no sleep at all this morning?... on Holy weekend?
Ha! Yup.
And dancing on bars, two jaunts to Brooklyn and frolicing down 2nd Ave. in wet underwear?
Uh-huh. Hee hee.
And, right now, I'm passed out in a paddy wagon and you are just a dream?
Close. The cops dropped you off at the St. Vincent's E.R. for observation.

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-02-02
In a world of critical decisions and closing deadlines...
grrr...
...Torn between a devotion to leisure and productive diligence...
ungh...
Stripcreator.com presents... A WORKPLACE DISTRACTION.
Damn, think dammit...
"CC110: Rules: You have to use the Narration box as the voice of the Overwrought Narrator. His narration.."

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-02-02
In a world terrorized by rampant violence...
The time has come to end this tyranny. I shall exact vengeance......
One man grows to be an imposing avenger...
..on he, who commits unspeakable violations against the people's will!
'Thumbs up' for Gabe Billings in REAM THE RED ROBOT.
What say I jab deeper and pop his head like a Rock'em-Sock'em®?
Oh damn, Dr. P! Giant Gabe just tore TOBOR his first hole!

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-03-02
In a world where sexy SoHo chic...
That's the dress!... the Rampage® one I saw in YM magazine!
Young Lady, you will not be seen in public in a dress with such a plunging neckline.
...meets proper Southern sensibility.
But Maaaw, I don't want to go to prom wearing what all the other girls are.
You go to a vocational high school in Statesvulle, North Carolina. A skimpy cocktail dress will NOT be acceptable...
This spring, prepare yourself for NOT ANOTHER TEENAGE FLOOZIE.
...And there's NO way my fifteen year old daughter will lose her cherry looking like a common hussy!

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-04-02
I figured out that soft chocolate chip cookies get hard as they grow stale and hard ones, vice versa...
uhn-huh..
Y'know, when you have a pitcher of light beer and a pitcher of regular, the dark-colored one is the light....
mmm-heh...
I also found that Häagen-Dazs smeared on--
-Right then- If you show up to Homo Weigh-In over 150 pounds again, we will have to remand you back INTO the closet.

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-08-02
Got my saddle, all I need now is a horse.
... and an alter-ego or three for company.

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-08-02
Two days, one tampon.
Utterly foul, yet Hygienea's menstrual discharge might serve to stablize the brewing frenzy here.
The Uterus is nothing like the Middle East River. I doubt you fathom the region's revulsion for her presence.
Trust in me; all I did was bleed to save humanity and it got me tossed from the classroom.

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-08-02
Aquaman's attempt to seal his legacy through appeasement of the bellicose fish has flopped. Uncork your hole, spill some blood and let's end their insurgence!
One tampon, two days.
Riiight. Your ambition to be a one-note character diminishes this crusade. Try a line that might resonate with public opinion.
Awrighty...
The secretions from my rancid cunt will drive those evil-doing fish back into their schools!

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-08-02
You will not defile our East River with your Western blashpemy!
I gladly die in face of your potent stench if I manage to strike fear in you! Ahhh!
*queeeph... err... ripple* *blup-whup-bubble*...
You can end my brutalization by ceasing yours.
Ahhh! Stop killing us with your advanced level of offense! Pee-yew.
Please, don't defile our East River with your Western blashpemy!

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-09-02
You are only doing Capt. Uterus' bidding with your dominance over the_ weaker_Persiflagians. He gets cheap resources and you get a little piece of the shitty East River.
Your reluctance to compromise on the territory issue and your violent hard line disgust me.
It's is also gross how your genitalia is hairless. Don't give in to the man!
Wanna saturated tampon for your fancy hat?

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-09-02
Sharkzi's were bad!
No shit. The Sharkzi's killed many of us and concentrated us in undesirable places. That's why we settled a Homeland here in the Middle East River.
Your attrocities are Sharkzi-esque.
Alright then- Leave outsider or I'll shoot my stink at you!
Wait! Look over there! Isn't that the Suez crisis?
Out!

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-11-02
Mommy, how long before I become stoned?

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-11-02
Say, Hunn... Where in Baltimore can I get some spicey crabs, a six of Natty Boh and some cheap porn?
Arrrrrrrbutus!
Puss-&-Boot-R-Us?... I dunno, help me out here.

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-11-02
Bend over stank hoar and cum get yur ass RAMED!
*timber creaks and suction sounds*
Taek it all bich!
Drive it HARDER , yesss!! WRENCH it around! Jack it DEEEEPER!!! ARRuuuggGGGGHHHHH-AAAAARRGGH!
Are you dieing for sum more rapping?
Honestly, fuck... that dildo felt limp, like your lo mein dick. Next time, insert the thorny end first.

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-12-02
ROCK TOOLS COMPLAINTS DEPT.
Well... at Open Mike Night, this one divulged to the audience where I stick it when I am lonely.

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-12-02
I have relayed the new edicts and denoucements, Most Holy Father.
Erruh- excellent. Eruh- what is this you do again?
As per your request, I passed your list on to the Bishops with emphasis on condemning pedophilia and condom use.
Oh, yes. Err-uhh. Very well....
... it help to teach our altar boys the Sacrament of swallow. Eruh-huh.

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-14-02
Ouch. D-d-daaamn, Bazilla. You thoroughly waxed my ass! Was it the Judo or the football Hooliganism?
It was my powerful self-deprecating wit. Do you approve of me?
After reading you and your pseudonymous posts and comics, I figured you to be a pathetic middle-aged, attentioned-starved, Welsh loner. It now turns out that you are, instead, teen-aged!
So by bashing me, you are now one of my friends too?
Howabout you on my favourites list, and we make pretend that I never wrote you into a strip?
Smashing!

 

by Blew_Crabs
4-16-02
Scene: Buffalo Bill's basement. Bill performs a gyrating dance in front of a mirror.
For a full second, the camera records the rear view of the serial killer's "package tuck"...
*snip*
Sorry for my censor, dudes. Even *I* uphold standards and practices.

 

by Blew_Crabs
12-30-02
o/` Everytime I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray... o/`
-however- we prefer this love triangle three sided.
Yeah, scram. No room for another shaved tater in the vestry.

 

by Blew_Crabs
3-25-03
And the winner for a Non-Supporting Role in a Humanitarian Invasion...
...The World!
We will not stand idle as you forcibly plunder resources under a fictitious pretext ...[mmmmpffh]
Oh, that silly World... always trying to upstage me during my show.

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