All comics by BobCheeseburger

Profile

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
My wife often asks why I eat so many prunes.
Ha ha, honey.
I just like the taste.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
So you're married and have children?
I sure do.
Do you miss your kids?
Ha ha.
No.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
Dad finally got me a cubby house.
Actually it's our trash can.
I've been to the dump four times.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
I told my dad I wanted a walkman for my birthday.
Instead he gave me the old record player that was in our garage.
Now I can make my cassettes go round in circles.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
Dad took my record player away.
Made me clean up the cat puke too.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
A kid down the street got a trampoline.
I asked my parents for one, but they said no.
This is the "kidney transplant" all over again.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-31-06
My grandma smells like eggs and old socks.
And now I'm grounded.

 

by BobCheeseburger
8-03-06
Did you ever see the movie se7en?
No. Never heard of it.
Why do you ask?
Beans for dinner!
Yay!

 

by BobCheeseburger
8-04-06
Save the forests!
Wipe your ass with an immigrant.

 

by BobCheeseburger
9-03-06
I got grounded today.
Mom caught me with my fingers in the cookie jar,
Wrapped around half a dog's leg.

 

by BobCheeseburger
9-13-06
So my parents found my pet mice.
It sucks.
Another couple months and I'd have had enough to fill my wading pool.

 

by BobCheeseburger
9-21-06
You know what you need? You need to meet my friend. His name's Jesus.
Yeah?
When you're down, he'll be there. When you need him, he'll come through. He's the Lord and Saviour. Jesus.
Wow. That sounds great.
Oh, by-the-by I named my penis "Jesus".

 

by BobCheeseburger
9-21-06
Well some are okay. For the most part though I think they're just made by sickos.
So what are your thoughts on comics that read right-to-left?
Not until Tuesday. By then the ferrets should be hungry enough to let loose in here.
So any chance you're going to let me go back to living under the stairs instead of in the wall?

 

by BobCheeseburger
10-01-06
There are only two certainties in life.
Death and taxes?
Hey, those are pretty good too.
But I was thinking butt rape and shakings with a sharpened toothbrush.

 

by BobCheeseburger
11-03-06
What's brown, has 4 legs,
And instantly decreases in value if a prospective buyer with an eye for fine antiques catches you having sex on it?
A dog.
I thought I told you not to read my diary.

 

by BobCheeseburger
11-03-06
I LOVE the comedy business.
It's the only place in the world where the nice "family oriented" people are the prostitutes.

 

by BobCheeseburger
11-03-06
I hate it when homeless people come into your place of business and act as if they live there.
"Hey buddy, this is where I work! You can't shower here."
I guess it's just a hazard of being a hotdog vendor.

 

by BobCheeseburger
11-03-06
They say blood is thicker than water.
It's also way more fun on a slip'n'slide.

 

by BobCheeseburger
8-19-07
I was thinking maybe I could get you a plant to liven up your cellar.
Ooh, I want a cactus!
Don't you want something you can eat?
Pineapple tree!
Or maybe something I can't use to hurt you?
Pillow bush!

 

by BobCheeseburger
8-19-07
So Christmas is coming up soon. Any requests for your present?
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
Removed from my pee-hole.
Second choice is a sombrero.

 

by BobCheeseburger
8-19-07
Do you ever wonder if maybe there's more to life than this.
I used to think so, but then I looked in the cupboard that time and found a dead guy.
And hey, free dead guy.
Of course I got salmonella and a nasty crotch rash.

 

by BobCheeseburger
9-06-07
I spy with my little eye something beginning with "S".
Spleen!
Hey, you got it.
I don't like where this is headed.

 

by BobCheeseburger
9-06-07
It rubs the lotion on it's skin.
Yay, lotion!
And then it gets the hose again.
Yay, bath time!
And the scorpions.
Dang.

 

by BobCheeseburger
9-17-07
People at the office don't think I'm funny.
Try a prank, like photcopying your rear.
Or my rear.
Or your rear.

 

by BobCheeseburger
9-17-07
I saw a genuine shrunken head at the natural history museum today.
I used to love going to the natural history museum.
There's nothing quite like challenging the intellectual limits of your mind!
Also, I bought you some increasingly smaller hats.
Ooh! Presents!

 

by BobCheeseburger
2-19-08
Well I talked to the doctor, and he seems to think you're just suffering from boredom.
A doctor said that?
An animal doctor, yes.
You're getting your medical advice from a vet?
I got you a new chew toy.
Score!

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-29-08
Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise.
Is that what I think it is?
And pretend I didn't bring a bucket of scorpions.

 

by BobCheeseburger
12-04-08
Uh… the thing is… I have crabs.
Woah, shit. That's fucked up.
I mean children, not the STD.
Oh.
Still pretty fucked up.

 

by BobCheeseburger
12-14-08
My parents say this is going to be the best Christmas ever.
This explains why they forced me and only me to convert to Judaism last week.

 

by BobCheeseburger
12-14-08
So Christmas is coming up, do you know what you're going to ask Santa for this year?
Sweet sweet freedom!
Or maybe to be nailed to the floor of the loungeroom and decorated again.

 

by BobCheeseburger
12-14-08
So the videos of you being tortured I put on YouTube are getting 1000 hits a day, so I think it's only fair you get something too.
Yay, I'm popular! And I get a present!
Actually, you'll be getting 1000 hits a day too.
Yay, I'm popular!

 

by BobCheeseburger
12-14-08
For breakfast today you're getting a knuckle sandwich.
Does that mean I'm getting punched in the face?
Not exactly.
Alright, but use my right. The left's my pointin' hand.

 

by BobCheeseburger
3-25-09
I guess the real reason I'm angry is because of my parents. Because of how they treated me.
And how does that make you feel?
Like driving a screwdriver through somebody's thigh.
So how about that weather, huh?

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-05-10
I'm very disappointed with the quarterly figures. True Faith is sitting on a steady 7% but guilt induced False Faith is down to 67% of the global market.
People are becoming too disillusioned. Maybe it's time to make my face appear on a burrito or something.
No, I don't think distraction tactics will work. Short of bringing up the launch date on the next global terror incident we're going to have to diversify our focus.
You mean really push the emphasis back on having the church connect with the community?
No, I mean push our budget towards our atheism wing. Invest heavily in our illegal drug and sex operations and fake some more catholic child sex scandals.
Cash grab, I like it.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-05-10
We need some sort of employee incentive scheme, morale is down and the staff are complaining.
Because sinners get to roam around free in hell and just occassionally get sodomized by a goat-demon while the faithful have to spend eternity as cubicle slaves?
That and the fact that I've been charging goat-demons to let them sodomize the staff when they're too lazy to catch sinners.
Maybe have a costume day?
Not a bad idea, everyone likes costumes.
I bet the goat-demons will, we can charge extra.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-05-10
We need to address the efficiency of our prayer management system. This is everything for the entire quarter.
Wow, no prayers have been addressed since April?
Nope, not a one. Not even the ones from people dying of cancer.
Wow, that's awful. All those sales leads for our medical division just wasted.
If we can instantly identify people with gambling addictions and refer them to our betting centres we should see a profit spike of what? About 12%?
Not to mention the opportunities to try and convince the terminally ill to bequeath their worldly possessions to the church.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-05-10
Our customers have discovered how much we've penetrated the corporate sector, they're irate we don't bundle products across our total holdings.
Like "get 5% off your phone service if you convert to Christianity today"?
Problem is we don't want them to know how much we've penetrated the religious sector nor reward them for converting between 2 religions we own.
How about we get legal to integrate 24 month minimum commitments into each faith switch, then sting them for exiting fees?
Genius!

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-05-10
We need to do something and fast, our competition's making a major push! It's a media blitz!
Satancorp again? Should we get our marketing people to push back?
Are you insane? There's no way our people can compete with every marketing person that's ever been sent to hell! That's, like, all of them.
And I guess legal avenues are out too, huh?
Unless you can square things with the Jews.
Hmmm... maybe we should have thought a little harder about going into the private sector.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-05-10
We need some new artwork to decorate the lobby.
What's wrong with the way it's decorated now?
300 wood carvings of you on the cross? It's creepy as all fuck. I want something new.
But it's classic. Timeless. Traditional.
I'll tell you what, you pose for new statues, we can keep it your way. What's that? Nothing to say?. Yeah, thought so.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-11-10
So the plan is this. We put the bag of poop on his doorstep, light it, then run like crazy. There is only one obstacle we have to overcome.
Fire don't work underwater.
I was going to say we need somewhere to hide after we run, but sure that could also be a problem.
Also we can't run if we don't got legs.
Dammit Carl, you're not making this easy.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-11-10
Okay, 1) We get a bag of poop and some underwater napalm. 2) We evolve and grow legs. 3) We buy the guy a house with a door and a doorbell so we can ring it.
4) You disguise yourself as Bigfoot and make sure he sees you through the window out the back of his house.
Then we put it all together into the prank of the century.
How's he going to stomp out the bag if we evolve and grow legs but he don't?

 

by BobCheeseburger
10-20-15
Hey Carl, you ever feel like you're adrift in a sea of pointlessness and confusion?
I thought this was an ocean?
I mean metaphorically.
Still, it could be a metaphorical ocean of pointlessness and confusion.
Fine, do you ever feel like you're adrift in a metaphorical ocean of pointlessness and confusion.
Slightly less so now. Why do you ask?

 

by BobCheeseburger
10-21-15
Carl! How can you say that?
Look, I'll agree the story about the great flood is unquestionably logical.
But how can you reconcile the part where he feeds 5000 people? It's just twisted.
It's about faith Carl. You just have to believe.

 

by BobCheeseburger
10-21-15
Well, I'm back in the doghouse.
Mistake the egg piles again?
No, caviar tin.
Is it still there?

 

by BobCheeseburger
1-28-22
In the 2020th year of our Lord.
So how exactly did this happen? Heaven's infested.
You know that memo stating that all employees have to wear door tags now?
Tell me they didn't.
Yep, they took it literally.
How can they not understand never to do that when I'm involved. I literally told them that.
I think that might have been the problem.

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