All comics by EvilZak

Profile

 

by EvilZak
10-12-03
Hey
Wanna go see a movie this weekend?
I can't, my laptop's busted.

 

by EvilZak
10-12-03
I know I'm a half hour late, my alarm clock didn't work and...
I don't care if your alarm clock shot you! There's no excuse for being late!
I want to see your ass in my office at 9 AM every day!
And that's why the guy with the brown hair came to work naked.

 

by EvilZak
10-12-03
Look at my new suitcase!
How'd you afford it?
I saved on bandwidth costs by hosting all my porn files here.
In fact, I saved ten dollars a month alone just for moving the boss's daughter collection here.

 

by EvilZak
10-12-03
My Physics teacher didn't like me.
Here's a hall pass.
I don't care where you go.

 

by EvilZak
10-12-03
See? I told you Kitty doesn't bounce.

 

by EvilZak
10-13-03
Ma'am, is that your car parked perpindicularly on the freeway?
Yes, that's mine.
Then I'm going to have to fine you for littering.

 

by EvilZak
10-13-03
I reckon I'm gonna have me the greatest fireworks show ever t'night!
Bill, I think you've got too many fireworks.
If y'all don't like it, then y'all can git!
And that's why Tennessee is no longer cosidered a state.

 

by EvilZak
10-13-03
Here lies the body of Ken Perlis, he was a great man to all of us. Some of us knew him as a...
I'd appreciate it if you all would stop doing the wave.

 

by EvilZak
10-13-03
Mom, I want to become smarter!
In that case, you should pay more attention in school.
Oh.
Scrap that then.

 

by EvilZak
10-13-03
And when we come back, we'll talk with the CEO of Johnson and Johnson.
Johnson and Johnson?
That's a lot of Johnson!

 

by EvilZak
10-13-03
So Neo, what did you learn?
In the Matrix, there is no spoon.
So all that anal sex we had was just an illusion?

 

by EvilZak
10-14-03
I am in favor of 2-AM telemarketers, giving weapons of mass destruction to Saddam, blacking out all power, giving commies intelligence, legalized rape, and intentional hurricanes.
I'm also rooting for the Red Sox.
You son of a bitch!

 

by EvilZak
10-14-03
I wish I could stop drinking, but I can't. I think I'll go to an AA meeting.
Can you take the baby with you?
You want me to deal with him?
No.
Hot damn, that was good beer!

 

by EvilZak
10-14-03
My name's Robby Scaper, and I want a job.
Well first we have to see if you're old enough, don't want to get arrested for child labor y'know.
I refuse to have sex with him.
You're hired.

 

by EvilZak
10-14-03
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Today George W. Bush turned over every American weapon of mass destruction to Saddam Hussein.

 

by EvilZak
10-14-03
It is unfortunate that Jimmy Pirka had to die when he was only seven years old.
We all think he should have had a better chance at life than this. And that is why we are all...
Damn it! The tomb is locked!
Yeah, I was gonna say.

 

by EvilZak
10-14-03
All right! I finally got a kitty to eat! I've always wondered how kitties taste.
Billy! I've told you a million times that cats are not for eating!
They are for sex.

 

by EvilZak
10-14-03
Something's wrong here.
Yes, something is.

 

by EvilZak
10-14-03
Due to severe arthritis, I could never change my baby's diaper. This ruined my fathering capabilities.
Every time the baby went, I had to get someone else to change it for me.
It also meant I had to wait four years for a blowjob.

 

by EvilZak
10-15-03
I guess it turns out Saddam had weapons of mass destruction after all.
What an asshole.
He could have used them to destroy Kobezilla!

 

by EvilZak
10-15-03
For the past few days, I've noticed huge swarms of locusts in my yard, but not a single locust was in either next-door yard.
But nobody is going to stop me from hosting ten gigs of Wife of God porn!

 

by EvilZak
10-15-03
How do you feel?
Salty.
One week earlier...
Then I'm not helping you.
Okay, okay! You can have them first! Please don't tell me what you're gonna do with them though!
A moment earlier...
Why are we robbing the corpses of deceased children again?
Transplantation. I want a new mouth.

 

by EvilZak
10-15-03
Did you know that in the state of Nebraska, x-rays are null and void in courts of law?
Did you know that paint, draw, and photoshop programs have a legally enforced quota of 200% zoom?
Did you know that your brain is a kiwi?

 

by EvilZak
10-15-03
It is a tragedy to have lost Albert Stingson. When he was alive, he entertained us all, especially with his television performance.
We will all have a hole in our life, a hole that is unfillable, and that shall remain for the rest of our lives. We will all...
Ahem.

 

by EvilZak
10-16-03
I stomped on the hearts of a dozen Christian babies as per your request. Now will you take over that guy's body for me?
OK then.
I got it, I got it!
HEY! I called it!
Had you turned towards the power of Satan, you would be going to the World Series right now.

 

by EvilZak
10-16-03
I have come to take you to your grave.
Can you wait a few minutes?
Death waits for nobody.
I'm a nobody!

 

by EvilZak
10-16-03
I'm gonna be back in twenty four hours, so you might want to find something to do.
I do not have the strength to allow you to leave.
Guess I don't know my own strength.

 

by EvilZak
10-16-03
I have nothing to do for the next twenty four hours. What can I do to pass the time?
I'll talk to the celebrities! I've always wondered if Frankie Muniz is gay!

 

by EvilZak
10-16-03
Death talks to Frankie Muniz
Are you gay?
No.
Twenty three hours, fifty nine minutes, and fifty five seconds left.
Now are you gay?
No.

 

by EvilZak
10-16-03
How about now?
Leave.
Fine. I can talk to plenty of celebrities that are much more popular than you.
What sort of dumb question is that? Gay guys can't rap.

 

by EvilZak
10-16-03
Now are you gay?
Leave.

 

by EvilZak
10-16-03
One of my favorite strategies is the Queen's Knight Defense. I like it and the Sicilian Defense, although the latter is highly overrated.
To throw off the enemy, I occasionally throw in a King's Bishop Defense. What are your favorite strategies?
I like to use the castle and the horse a lot.

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
Did you really lose all that weight by going to Subway every day?
Yes.
It doesn't work for me. I ate at Subway every day for a year, and I actually gained weight that year. What gives?
You're not supposed to eat seventy-two bags of chips a day.

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
You were the guy who discovered the theory to the nuclear power, which saved millions of lives in World War II by ending the war early?
Yes.
Are you gay now?
Leave.

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
It took me twenty-four hours, but I got my coat!
It took you twenty-four hours to get your coat? What the fuck?
I had to wait twenty-four hours being insulted by some of the world's worst celebrities, and all you do with that time is get your GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING COAT?
IT'S NOT EVEN COLD WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
It seems like only yesterday that Jason Otis filled our lives with joy, but those days our gone.
We should reflect on the loss of this man's life. However, we should move on. That is what he would want.
This funeral was brought to you by Preparation H, the world's leading hemmorhoid cure. "I shoulda used Preparation H!"

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
I like to put frogs on my naked body while eating a bottle of gravy and playing Sim City 4000. Then I get my dog to shove household objects into my anus.
What a coincidence!

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
This computer has been operated by a Christian and will explode.
This computer you made killed my wife because of her religion! This is one of the biggest acts of discrimination since Hitler was alive!
I want a refund.

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
This survey asks for my gender. Mom, what does gender mean?
It means the same thing as "sex".
Thanks.
Gender: Yes, please.

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
I am the Evil Fairy, and I will grant you one wish.
I wish I were dead.
Granted.
Hey! I don't feel dead! What the hell?
How are things hanging, Dead?

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
I thought I had cured a dozen kids of iodine deficiency.
How was I to know that it only tastes salty?

 

by EvilZak
10-17-03
I know there's no skateboarding.
I know there's no rollerblading.
But do you see any signs that prohibit unicycling?

 

by EvilZak
10-18-03
Was it you that stole my mimes?
Yes, it was me.
I want you to give them back.
Bite me.

 

by EvilZak
10-18-03
It is with tears in our eyes that we have spent the last few days, and that is to be expected when a man as old and as loved as Paul Smith dies.
No response? I'm gonna have to bring out my big guns.
OK, so a man walks into a bar holding a twelve inch Asian guy...

 

by EvilZak
10-19-03
Sometimes I get the feeling I'm being watched by the government.
That is a foolish notion! We are not watching you.
Not until you put on some pants, anyways.

 

by EvilZak
10-19-03
I once had sex so bad that I started a fight with the bitch.
In fact, I had to end the fight by pulling a lead pipe and knocking the fucker out.
That's the last time I ever masturbate!

 

by EvilZak
10-19-03
Despite the large amounts of oil we have taken from Iraq, we're still a bit short of the necessary amount of oil.
Therefore, we are going to declare war on other countries with large amounts of oil.
Our first target is Alaska.

 

by EvilZak
10-19-03
You bastard, I know what you did to the baby, and I want a fucking divorce!
But I used a condom this time!

 

by EvilZak
10-19-03
I did not launch nukes at countries I hate. That is a vicious lie, and will be proved a lie when everything is intact a week from now.
Does anyone here have the ability to move objects with their mind?

 

by EvilZak
10-19-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
There's only one way to solve this argument.
Biscuit game!

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »