All comics by EvilZak

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by EvilZak
10-02-03
What the hell? Everyone knows there aren't any girls on the Internet.

 

by EvilZak
10-03-03
You think you can beat me up? You're too small.
Too small?
Yeah, too small.
Don't you know that it's not the size of the dog in the fight...
...but the size of the baby he's about to viciously bite that counts?

 

by EvilZak
10-03-03
Welcome to "When Cows Fall On Ordinary People". Today's contestant is Lord Albert Stingson.
Pardon me, sir, but I do believe I just heard you mention my name. Whatever could you be talking about, kind sir?
Well, Al, a cow has just fallen on you.
Welcome to "When Clowns Fall On Ordinary Cows". Today's contestant is Bessy.

 

by EvilZak
10-03-03
It's hard to enjoy myself, what with killing people and all. That's why I need to have sex.
I know exactly what you mean.
You do?
Yeah, I deliver pizzas.
Pizza delivery? Doesn't sound too dangerous, but whatever. Send a large pepperoni to my friend, I'll write down his address for you.
I can't read. I'm blind.

 

by EvilZak
10-03-03
Now let's have sex.
I'll get the light.
Just a minute! I have something important to do.
Whenever you're ready.
Thank.... you......
OK, I'm ready now.

 

by EvilZak
10-03-03
Nine months later
So then I took the spike out of my eye and HOLY SHIT! MY WATER BROKE! GET A DOCTOR, JACK!
Okay.
That's not funny.

 

by EvilZak
10-03-03
Well, Jack and Carolyn, you are the parents of a new baby boy!
Let's name him Razor Slashdeathkiller.
No, dear, no.
I'm just going to put down "Billy", okay?
No! He's Razor Slashdeathkiller, and that's final!

 

by EvilZak
10-03-03
Stay calm, Kevorkian. You've helped dozens to commit suicide, you can deal with a simple baby.
Poopies!
Poopies!
By the time you read this, I will have already commited suicide. Yes, I paid myself to do it.
Damn it! Who muted the TV?

 

by EvilZak
10-03-03
I can't believe that fucking bastard just went and killed himself!
Poopies!
Poopies!
He should have killed me first.
Poopies!

 

by EvilZak
10-04-03
Shall we look at something abstract?
Yes, we shall.

 

by EvilZak
10-04-03
Ma'am, where is the nearest restaurant?
Je ne parle pas anglais.
Gabe, you have to remember that we're in France. Everyone speaks French, not English.
In that case...
Whero is el nearesto restauranto?

 

by EvilZak
10-04-03
And our third contestant is John Piradon, who hails from Ritnay, New Mexico. Tell us about yourself.
I'm 23, married, I'm a part time construction worker. In my spare time, I jog, golf, and like a dick.
Make that, "act like a dick".

 

by EvilZak
10-04-03
The heart of a dead man, which eternally rests in darkness...
...and returns to existance when summoned...
...and haunts the children of the overworld...
...but only for a brief moment, after which it returns to darkness.
Fuck!
Okay, my turn. I spy with my little eye something green.

 

by EvilZak
10-04-03
War is not the answer!
War is not the answer!
War is not the answer!
War is not the answer!
War is not the answer!
Hey, can any of you tell me a three letter word that occured in 1812?

 

by EvilZak
10-05-03
Here's the plan. You juggle chainsaws on a unicycle to distract the enemy, and I pull out my gun and shoot them to hell.
Oh wait, I got the roles reversed.
I was gonna say...

 

by EvilZak
10-05-03
I don't understand the big controversy over abortion.
If a woman wants to have an abortion, I think that should be her choice.
Besides, dead fetuses and children are equally good for ass-fucking.

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
You're a mermaid? I've heard a lot about how mermaids have fought simultaneously against sexism, stereotypes, and aquatic_disadvantages.
Wanna fuck?

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
I'm Jeff Cobart, and this is Entertainment Today. There's been big controversy over Albert Einstein's time travel. Have any secrets you'd like to share with us?
Well, after extensive research I have found that at any given time, the mass of the Universe multiplied by the speed of any given particle is equal to that particle's gravitational force.
That's quite boring. Do you have any interesting secrets?
More interesting, huh? The force of an object multipled by its degree of rotation and divided by its primary vector is equal to its damage force.
Are you gay?

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
Trick or treat!
Here's your candy.
See that house across the street? You don't want to give me Skittles.

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
And that is how you construct an origami crane.
Groovy.
Oh sure, they stand in the same spot while I'm in jail.
There's more to life than rape, you know.

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
We are here tonight to remember Peggy Skaggs. She was a friend, neighbor, and family member to us all.
With that being said, all necrophiliacs in attendance please form a line.

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
Mom, why did you name me Rose?
When I was pregnant with you, I dropped a rose petal on my stomach.
Mom, why did you name me Daisy?
When I was pregnant with you, I dropped a daisy petal on my stomach.
I'm a lean, purple, gravy machine! Whatever happened to the plastic shoebox?
Shut up, Anvil.

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
Hi, my name is Death and I'm here to instruct you in basic evil.
Fair enough, but before we do, let's play a game. Guess what's in my hat!
I give up. What's in your hat?
A smoked salmon.
Now, about that instruction in evil...

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
I just had some of the best sex ever, Doug!
That's amazing! Why don't you call back and see if I can get some too?
Anything for you, mate.
Thanks!
I have this friend named Doug and...
Sure, I'll be right over.

 

by EvilZak
10-06-03
What the hell? I was going to capture the princess, but you can't be the princess!
I'm the next closest thing. If you weren't aware, the prince and I have had a homosexual marriage.
Aw hell, I'm desperate enough.

 

by EvilZak
10-07-03
Mom, why won't you let my boyfriend into the house?
I don't care if he's black. I don't care if he's Jewish. I don't care if he's bisexual. I don't care if he's a Democrat. I don't care if he curses like a sailor.
Hell, I don't even care if he has a history of drug abuse and date rape.
But damn it, no Virgo sets foot in this house!

 

by EvilZak
10-07-03
Sir, we've got our mages ready to turn phantoms, zombies, and other various forms of undead against the living. What shall this new army do, commander?
Let me think for a minute...
Have them dress up as Pokemon and Power Rangers and ask people for candy!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
Why have you come to me, sheep?
I'm here to tell you that the Sacred Cow is going to fall on you.
smash
Any other religions wanna not incorporate the sacredness of cows?

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
Erm, no. I said to get a fresh bone. That is fucking old!
Hey, you're the dog that was with Grandpa before he mysteriously died!
Good boy.

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
Here's a nifty spell you can use for your war. Obscuridax caidas ahor
Look, woman, we already can't find Osama as it is.

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
Are you sure you're ready for this?
Avast! I be the one true sailor o' the seven seas! Surely a lake be not a problem for the great Cap'n Crunk!
sploosh
Face it, Jon. You're just not cut out to be a swimming tutor.

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
A good score you made there, Lenny, one more and you'll have a hat trick.
Yes indeed. Hey, who are you?
Hi, my name is Jesus Christ, and I died for your sins.

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
Yarr, I be sailin in the Shark Sea. Nothin bad can happen to me here if I keep me eye on the ocean.
Thanks for breaking my fall!

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
I hear that black guys tend to have bigger wangs. Do black women have them too?
Bigger privates, I mean.

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
You want me to go through combat training? Fuck that! I have a gun.
Let's see how fast you are on the draw, then. Shoot the puppet as it appears.
Shitsticks.

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
Attention, puny human! I am your master! Bow down and do as I say!
You heard me right, do as I

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
You blinked. Next patient gets heart surgery.

 

by EvilZak
10-08-03
Student, please pull out your assigned textbook.
I don't have my Bible. I had to throw it out after I peed on it.
I'm sorry! I didn't mean to pee on the Bible!
I thought I was having an erection.

 

by EvilZak
10-09-03
Hey, asshole elephant! Fuck you!
I'm sorry. I didn't know my feces were radioactive.
If I had known, I wouldn't have knocked people down and shat on them.

 

by EvilZak
10-09-03
I want to be an elder god.

 

by EvilZak
10-09-03
I'm sorry, we don't serve negroes.
You racist son of a bitch! I hope you die and burn in hell, you fucking piece of shit! Go suck a fucking cock and don't stop until you're not a racist cunt anymore!
Besides, jackass, that goes against equal opportunity laws. You'll serve me or you'll get your ass hauled off to jail, which is where racists belong anyways.
All right, all right. What do you want?
I'd like the Fried Chicken and Watermelon combo.

 

by EvilZak
10-09-03
So yeah, I've been living here for two and a half years, I'm glad to see you again. Have you gotten used to things around here, or should I show you around again?
I'm fine, the heat's annoying but I've found a way to cool off. Who's that on the sidewalk?
This is the house where they live.
Ass.
OK, I admit that putting a big sign in the front yard that says "Illegal aliens from Siberia are in this house, and damn do they need some ice" wasn't the best method of cooling down. Sue me.

 

by EvilZak
10-09-03
Matador Hernandez's plan to paint the first "Human Bullfight-Cape" goes slightly wrong.
Something's not right here, but I can't put my finger on it...

 

by EvilZak
10-10-03
OK Buzz, we've reached the meteor. How are we going to divert its course?
Buzz, are you paying attention? We only have five minutes! We need to work together to divert the meteor! God damn it, why aren't you helping me?
Look behind you.
Wrestling's on? Why didn't you say so?

 

by EvilZak
10-10-03
I'm live with Lisa Pass, leader of the protest against Kobe Bryant. Why are you so adamant in your opposition, Miss Pass?
Well, duh. Kobe raped women for the oil.

 

by EvilZak
10-10-03
Dear mom, training in the army has been hard but it is worth it. I've learned a dozen ways to kill a man.
Of these methods, my favorite is by far eating him alive. It's so fun to hear the screams when you sink your teeth into_a_fellow_human.
Thanks for sending me cookies. Sincerely, Will.

 

by EvilZak
10-10-03
A whole penny? That's amazing!
Click OK to install WINDOWS XP.
Why would anyone believe that I don't love everyone equally?

 

by EvilZak
10-11-03
There's too many god damn crackers living on the planet. I hate them as much as they hate me. I wish they all would die.
Yeah, they're fucking wrong. They're sub-human, they're sub-insect, and they're sub-bacteria.
Damn straight! Crackers might appear to be human, but they're not even scum much less people. What a bunch of oxygen wasters.
You know what would make the black baby Jesus happy? If we went around and killed every cracker on earth, that's what.
I've got a better idea! Let's not kill them - let's make them our slaves! That kind of revenge is what they deserve.
I like that idea! It would show those fucking assholes that cracking computers is wrong.

 

by EvilZak
10-11-03
I sure wish this man would get off of me.

 

by EvilZak
10-11-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later..
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you have rubbed me, I shall give you one wish!
I wish you would stop interrupting my cat sex!

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