All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
9-08-03
"Ok, we're officially sponsored. And we have our first request from the company."
*groan* What do they want us to do plug their stuff? I can't wear the T-shirt they gave me for obvious reasons.
T-Shirt?? They sent me 'Official' D&G underwear. Strangely enough they came with Bick's business card attached....
"Well never mind that. For now, anyway. The thing they want us to do is a bit strange."
I knew it! They want us to change the strip!
Damn, I was just getting used to a certain level of insanity around here.
"Well actually they want us to do a reality dating show. Strangely enough only one of our cast has been chosen to be the lead player in this endevour."
Reality dating show?! Now which one of us would even....Oh, I see....
What? You see what!?

 

by Ranger77
9-08-03
D&G Creative Director Trevor Kyle makes a plea....
Look, Helena....buubie, work with me here. This reality thing is in these days and who knows you could become a star.
I WAS a star already. But at least being screwed was part of the job description.
This is different, my dear. You get to showcase your other skills and talents. You'll also get your pick of over 50 attractive, successful guys.
Fifty losers if you ask me.
Now that's hardly fair. Take Joe Millionaire for example.....
....making fried chicken commercials and getting discount nookie from $1000 whores. Next!

 

by Ranger77
9-09-03
"Trevor, I'm going to FREAKIN' KILL YOU!!!"
I hope she likes Mr. Floppy.
Might as well stand here too....and get whatever these guys are gettin'....
"Calm down Helena. It's not THAT bad. We've got some great candidates out there. Professional, well groomed....I'd say a real NICE selection. Remember this is an upscale reality show."
heh-heh, heh-heh heh-heh....
Well if she's not a vegan I'm outta here. Although I heard she might be a lesbian. Do lesbians eat meat? Hey now....that's kinda funny....
"Upscale, huh? You named the show "Mr. Big Stick for the ex-Porn Chick.' With a name like that I'm sure you're bringing in the real class acts...."
If I stare just a little harder at the back of that guy\'s head, he will explode and I can take my rightful place in line....come on....heat vison, heat vision, heat VISION!!
Hey, there she is...wait....why did she run the other way? More importantly, why did she flip me off first before she did?

 

by Ranger77
9-14-03
Ok, I'm a bit concerned. Helena is threatening to kill everyone involved in this reality show thing and we haven't gotten paid yet.
Ummm....there is something else....
Outside the Ranger's World production facility....
....so that is what our group is protesting. The use of blatant religious images in a comic strip. The burning bush, the demon lawyer....this is forced religion at its worst. Questions?
So do you actually have a life or is this some feeble attempt to keep busy?

 

by Ranger77
9-18-03
Bick holds a press conference....and gets real....
We're really confident that "Mr. Big Stick for the Ex Porn Chick" will be a success.
Bick, isn't it true that reality television represents a creative deficit in Hollywood?
Not at all. This show actually explores relationships and ethics in our society in a way that the common man can understand. Its really about being a microcosm of our fears, anxieties and dreams.
Isn't that overstating things a bit.
*sigh* Ok, fuck it. Pepsi just gave us a shitload of advertising money and I just put a down payment on some beachfront property in Florida. Any OTHER questions?
Damn, I hate geeks with money....

 

by Ranger77
9-18-03
You have to do something. Helena is intentionally trying to sabotage the show.
You have to admit, you folks were less than honest with her.
That doesn't matter right now. We had fifty guys lined up and now there are only five left. She's scaring them away or something.
Look, I hired Helena before you guys came around. Yeah, she did a little porn, but she's basically a good person. I'm sure she's wouldn't purposely lie to take down the show....
"....That is, unless she really felt she had too..."
Uh....no....I didn't know that prisons hired professional conjugal visit workers.
Oh yeah....but after 10 years in Turkey I decided to head back to the states. I did spend time in Mexico first....

 

by Ranger77
9-21-03
USA Today - Sept 22, 2003 : "Mr. Big Stick for the Ex-Porn Chick" is a surprise hit. Media congolmerate Diss and Genuous has created a curious twist on the dating reality show....
So I told her "the day your ass gets big I'm outta here." Her divorce lawyer was a little bitch too...
....3....4....5....6....keep counting....the camera is still on....
Helena Buckett's over the top performance as a cynical independant woman steals the show. It's very hard to believe that this acid tongued lass could really be that mean.
I don't believe in this dating foo-foo stuff. So we gonna fuck or what??
16....17....18....19...Nope. I'm losing it.
But the show is not without controversy. One contestant is suing D&G after an interesting exchange in which Helena tried to shove a butter knife up his nose....
It could have been worse you know.
I don't know....when she started dancing and eating that Twinkie while the guy was on the stretcher.....that was a bit extreme.

 

by Ranger77
9-23-03
Meanwhile....
You know I've never been a fan of your career choices. Especially this comic strip thing.
I know, Mom.
Now this show....humiliating guys, being foul-mouthed, abusive and even violent. And all this on TV, in the public eye.
Yes, I know Mom.
I am so DAMN proud of you!
Yeah, somehow I knew you were going to say that.

 

by Ranger77
9-24-03
And then there was one....
Ms. Bucket. Helena. I've got a few things to say to you since I'm the last one here. You see I'm just a normal guy....
Here we go....
I'm not sure why I'm here actually. Maybe just to meet someone like you, I don't know. Anyway obviously you don't like this show thing and that's cool. So I'll just leave now. Thanks.

 

by Ranger77
9-24-03
And so....
That was AMAZING! At first I thought you were trying to tank the show, but now with that last sequence we have ourselves a sequel, baby!
Man that was primo television. The look on that idiot's face when he walked away from you all dejected....priceless. Slammed by the BITCH QUEEN! This is Reality TV! This is how you get ratings!
This is getting repetitive.
Yep. Trevor kept yelling "Did you get it on film?" as they took him away. And you DON'T want to what she used and where she shoved it this time....

 

by Ranger77
9-25-03
....So I told Bick that sponsorship or no, we're not going to go through that mess again.
That's good because I caught our lawyer pricing condos in Key West. No sequel then?
Well not exactly. They will do the show, just with a bit of a twist....
Now about these guys....I think they should show up all oiled. Not naked mind you, that would be tasteless. Just and olied and shirtless will be fine....for now....
I really should stayed in the hospital....especially since I won't be able to sit down for a week....

 

by Ranger77
9-26-03
I really think you've been working too hard. Between D&G and keeping Helena out of jail I think you need a vacation.
Yeah, maybe you're right. My wife has been bugging me about it lately.
Wife? I didn't even know you were married.
Yeah....she's a bit younger than me. I met her when I took her medical malpractice case. She was a model....now she's a social activist....
"....whatever that means."
So it is my goal...no, my obligation, to further the rights and fair treatment of all Pixelated Americans, by any means necessary. Any questions?
Uh....you really have a big head.

 

by Ranger77
9-27-03
At home with the Bubbs (Biel Z. and Britney) ....
I really wanted to spend my days off around the house.
That's no fun. Besides it's good for you to meet normal people for a change that don't need legal help.
But....I don't know. This party you want me to go to....I'm not going to know a single person there.
I want you to meet more of my friends. They're good, open minded, clear thinking people.
And the horns and wings....
As long as you keep the eye glowing and snorting to a minimum it will be fine. You might even be a hit with the pagans.

 

by Ranger77
9-28-03
And so....later....
Nice VW Beetle in the driveway. Almost as impressive as the Mini Cooper next to it.
Behave. These are nice people you'll see.
Yeah....I'm sure they'll just love me.
Come on Biel, you're a lawyer. It's not like you're some soul sucking creature or something.
Actually....
Don't start....ok? Just Don't.

 

by Ranger77
9-29-03
Now you promised....
Yes dear. I won't run off and leave you to make small talk by your.....hey there's Kitten! I haven't seen her in ages. I'll be right back!
I knew that would happen. *sigh* I'll just stand here and look at the bookcase. Ayn Rand....Jung....Hume. Yep, these are party people alright.
Welcome back.
Come on...I wasn't gone that long. Besides I....Hey! There's Marci. I have just GOT to talk to her. Be right back!

 

by Ranger77
9-30-03
Biel endures more torment at "The Wife's friend's party....!"
....and on top of that lawyers help the rich and not the poor. You guys are just in it for the money.
Really.
This whole thing about law school and ethics....let's face it lawyers are here for one thing and that's to get 'the privileged' off the hook. Guilt and innocence doesn't matter to you guys at all.
I see.
Uhh...while you're here. I have this....friend....who just happened to be wrongly accused of indecent exposure. I don't suppose you could....
No.

 

by Ranger77
9-30-03
Biel goes on the offensive....
So you see Scientology isn't really a cult. It's as valid a religion as Christianity or any of those older faiths. I've tried them all and I find Dianetics to be the only true way of life.
I'm sorry....but do you smell that? Kind of a burning smell....
Sort of smells like Brimstone? Yep. I just farted.
That was way too easy.

 

by Ranger77
10-03-03
Eventually....
....I'm just fascinated by legal shows and I'm a Court TV junkie so I thought I'd go into Environmental Law.
That's a pretty smart choice. I'd say go for it. Keep up the academics and don't let anyone discourage you.
Well thanks. I\'m glad I talked to you. Especially since you looked lonely over here by yourself. I do have to ask you about the glowing eyes and angry snorting, though.
Who me? I'm not....
No, that woman with the large head and orange hair coming this way.
Ah yes....you might want to leave now. And fast.

 

by Ranger77
10-03-03
An unexpected development....
So I'm only gone a minute and then I find you talking to some slutty teenager.
First, you were gone for 68 minutes. Second, you missed the fact that I talked to an assortment of cerebral waste before you saw me. Third, slutty is an unfair assessment.
I saw the way she was looking at you....twirling her hair....Are you trying to tell me you didn't find her attractive?
All I saw was a very young girl looking for career advice which I gave.
Right. Sure. I'll be waiting in the car. We need to talk.
Note to self: Insult a few people, stare at a few titties and you get an early release. Now for the hard part....

 

by Ranger77
10-05-03
And now, a few moments with our creative team....
Well Bernie it looks like we're in trouble again.
Yes we are. Folks, in an attempt to comply with the wishes of D&G, our sponsor, we've made some changes to the strip.
That's right. To appeal to a broad base of demograhics we've gone to an ensemble format which means, like in that last sequence, other characters take the spotlight.
We also took a shot at a "religion" and somehow included a fart joke and the word "titties". That was a bit crude and I suppose an apology is in order.
So if you find anyone who wants to apologize FOR us, let us know.
Otherwise...we thought it was pretty damn funny.

 

by Ranger77
10-07-03
Meanwhile....in a secret facility just outside of Detroit....
The latest results are in sir. The strip has gained another reader.
Felkins, I'm very disappointed. Corporate sponsorship was suppose to make these guys suffer, not succeed.
I can't understand it either, sir.
Well luckily for you, we've heard something just recently from our surveillence team that is shocking and will cause fear and confusion to all. Yes, this will rip the foundations of the strip....
So it is with great expectations that I am announcing my entry into the California election. And oh yes, Charlene is pregnant.
Damn straight.

 

by Ranger77
10-08-03
"Ummm....sorry to burst your bubble Iva, but you don't live in the state of California and the recall election is over. Arnie is in."
Oh?
"I mean I'm sure the audience appreciates topical humor, but in this case it's a bit too late."
Oh.
I'm still pregnant.
"I doubt that as well, since I saw you eating a red onion sandwich with a side of chili just before this annoncement. I think you just need some Phazyme."
Oh?

 

by Ranger77
10-09-03
Post traumatic stress disorder often involves violent flashbacks....
1434...135...idaNNN...you bought a Romanian AV company, Bill, Romanian....they sold to two guys and a reindeer in 2002.....
Remote Assistance....NONONO....MSDE is in Age of Mythology, you bastards....DCOM Buffer overrum DCOM DCOM AAAAAAH!
Meet Liz, ex Microsoft Programmer, now Ranger's World Director of Security.
No matter how far I run....they will always have a hold on me. *sigh* Oh well, where did I leave the bourbon.

 

by Ranger77
10-09-03
Another Mother-Daughter Moment....
I'm glad you've come to your senses about this reality show business.
I figured it wouldn't be appropriate with me having a new boyfriend and all...
New WHAT?
Honey, I still have needs you know. And this time I've done a Demi....
"....I'm sure you'll like him"
Yeah, my old lady is that porn chick's mother. Treat me nice and I might be able to get you a job in the strip.
I do have a 'job in the strip.' Security. Now go away or I'll make a Remote Procedure Call on your head with this stick I have here.

 

by Ranger77
10-12-03
So you're mom's new squeeze, huh? Hey wait a minute, I know you. You're that freak that thought he had super powers.
No, babe, not me. That was my twin brother Abel. He has thing about heat vision or some shit.
Well, whatever. I don't like you and I certainly don't like this situation. I WILL be watching you. Remember that.
And I'll be watching that sweet ass of yours with my super powerful X-RAY VISION! *heh-heh*

 

by Ranger77
10-12-03
The new boyfriend takes a stand....sort of.
Hey mama, I just want to make sure YOU know who in charge in this relationship we got here.
Yes, I agree. Now shut up and listen. I read tabloids and watch E! and Entertainment Tonight. and all that. Getting a "boy toy" is the in thing so I did it.
But I....
YOU are a tool for my pleasure. I'm going to ride you like a pony and put you out to pasture when I get bored. If you step out of line, or get fat, you're out even sooner, Understand?
Uh....yes...
Now go put on that outfit I bought you and remember the straps go in the front....

 

by Ranger77
10-13-03
Listen...you gotta help me get out of this. Your mother is crazy. I admit I was using her for her money but I just CANNOT wear that stableboy costume again.
Sorry, my friend you got yourself into this. Now get yourself out.
Aw man....wait a minute. Think...think. I got it.....Inviso-power! Inviso-power! Inviso-POWER!
It WORKED!! Now let me slide out of here and....
The only place you're sliding my dear piece of meat is back in the bed. I did porn in the 70's and 80's remember? The fact that I'm still alive should tell you I have some super powers of my own.

 

by Ranger77
10-14-03
Hello, dear.
Mom? Is that you?
Yep. Turns out my boy toy did have a super power....invisibility. So I had to use my "inviso-power" as well. Neat, eh?
This place gets more and more strange by the day. *sigh* So where is the little bastard?
He's actually right here, but he can't talk right now. You see I'm naked and sitting on his face.
I can't possibly express to you how I really, REALLY wish you hadn't told me that.

 

by Ranger77
10-15-03
I kind of like not being to focus of the strip. I've been able to relax and catch up on a few things.
I wouldn't get too comfortable. Its only a matter of time before...
Uh-oh.
Note to self....if you state the obvious in panel one, panel three will be a bitch.

 

by Ranger77
10-17-03
My guess is that some of that transdimensional rift effect lingered on you and is now having some sort of strange like after effect.
The rift?...That was at least two months ago.
Hey man, when you're dealing with quantum mechanics these things tend to happen. The best thing to do is like ride it out and try not to blow anything up.
Uhhh...right. Chuck how the hell do you know so much about this stuff anyway?
I don't. I usually just mash together a bunch of pseudo scientific buzzwords and lace them into a bit of half understood scientific fact. Diet doctors and Star Trek writers do it all the time.
Yeah....that explains alot.

 

by Ranger77
10-17-03
On October 15, Microsoft released FOUR critical vulnerability warnings affecting Windows NT, 2000, XP and it's new ("more secure") offering, 2003 Server.
We decided as a service to our readers to get some feedback from Liz, who used to be a software engineer at Microsoft. The only problem is she's been like this since the 15th....
We really can't tell if she's screaming or laughing.
*eep*

 

by Ranger77
10-19-03
Hello I'm Bernie and the guy that used to be a squirrel on my left is 'B'. Welcome to "Behind the Scenes at Ranger's World."
That's right, we felt it was about time we got away from the weirdness a bit and showed you what happens to produce the least read comic on StripCreator.
Like that for example. Panel two was a reaction shot. Usually this is a build up for the punchline here in panel three. We use this alot.
For example I could say here "Since I'm not a squirrel anymore I guess I can get rid of my nuts." HAHAHA....erm...yeah. Well, you get the idea....

 

by Ranger77
10-19-03
If there's one thing that Ranger's World is known for (besides the "nut" jokes) is something called Character Transformation.
This is when a character changes from one form to another. We've used this a few times to bail out a few story lines. When we do "transforms" you know we're desperate for plot.
So now, B will give you an example of how we use this relatively cheap gimmick.
*ahem*
Ooops....my bad.

 

by Ranger77
10-20-03
A question we get asked alot is how come all the female characters in your comic are always trailer park refugees, ex-porn stars, etc.
This tends to imply we have something against women and that's not the case.
Especially when you consider "Helena" is one of the strongest characters in the strip.
This also assumes that you can actually identify a character as female as well. You only know that B is male because that's how he looks now.
That's correct....wait a minute. Now that I think of it, what are you anyway?
Hot. That's all you need to know.

 

by Ranger77
10-21-03
Another thing we get criticized for is going for the cheap laugh. You know when the punchline is simply swearing or making some vulgar references.
I suppose we should talk about that since it is a serious accusation.
On second thought, fuck it.

 

by Ranger77
10-23-03
Ok, enough of the academics. At the sponsors request we're 'proud' to present a pilot comic which D&G hopes will be a sucessful spin off of Ranger's World.
And considering Ranger's World has something like three regular readers, that's quite a bit of hope.
Actually we haven't seen what the creative team at D&G have put together.
All we really can tell you is that its a completely different storyline with what the creative team calls "new and dynamic" characters.
Crazy thing....why did I think of Star Wars Episode 1 and Jaws 4: The Revenge just now?
And I just got a cold chill up my spine and the mental image of a steaming pile of crap. Funny, eh?

 

by Ranger77
10-26-03
Learn to earn money using Ebay?
Stacey that's illegal aspw.
Frree aduult viide0 ubbqae?
Brandie likes watching this kri.
#RECIPIENT#, Viagra 60%...no script.
Fifty two grands minimum bucks just for you C.

 

by Ranger77
10-30-03
Hello everyone...uh....if you haven't noticed Bernie and Mr. B haven't been around here for a few days. Truth is they are...ummm...taking a sabbatical.
That's right. Any talk of the Ranger's World crew going on strike is purely....not exactly accurate.
We also want to reaffirm our committment to you the reader (all three of you) that in their absence we will continue to provide quality comics like Spam W0rld.
Exactly....and any rumors that the regulars left because we were producing a strip made completely of Spam subject lines is....uh...not exactly accurate.
I mean come on...at least we didn't outsource the whole strip to India.
Actually...that's not a bad idea....

 

by Ranger77
10-30-03
Herbal Viagra!
Lookin for some fun?
What?
Herbål Viagrå Alternåtive ! athletes, and he ...
What?
dyw Buy direct and save hundreds xctnr
What?

 

by Ranger77
10-31-03
In space....no one can hear you spam....
What's your pleasure today?
Chubby girls are eaisier to please.
This is not sunday school uojwqidl ldxpgbc.
Trailer park booty!
Blind Date Invitation ! regio...
Date Beautiful Women! me, and ...

 

by Ranger77
10-31-03
The regulars are still gone. Here's Trevor and Bick....
You know Bick, we're getting mixed reviews on Spam W0rld.
I know, but in general the response has been good.
You see folks, Ranger's World tended to be really....well....wordy.
And the humor was a bit too subtle for the demographic we're targeting with 'Spam W0rld.".
15 year old Adult Swim viewers! Pure genius on your part Bick.
"Oh PLEEEAZE don't take off Trigun and Inuyasha until I lose my virginity"....heh heh...Man, I LOVE my job!

 

by Ranger77
11-01-03
First date 'small' talk...Spam style!
ROSARIO , Gët ä largër Penís!
No skinny blondes with bad attitudes here.
wiin.the.seexxgame.com dgcsgsr
Over 100,000 Singles To Choose From! EUEL...
Try This Out! ...
Download full movies.

 

by Ranger77
11-05-03
"I'm sorry guys. Bernie, Helena and I think that its pretty stupid to do a comic based on Spam subject lines."
B....bubbie....you have to be flexible. There is some work involved in matching the text with the characters.
Besides, your crew wasn't exactly a 'clean' operation. You pushed the limit a few times.
"That may be true but not like that crap you've been putting out there."
Actually I think you guys are much more 'blue' content wise.
For example we've never used the term "pussy" in Spam W0rld. It has appeared in Ranger's W0rld at least three times. In fact I'll bet you a year's wages versus your return that it has.
"What!? We used the word 'pussy'?! You're crazy, Bick. We've never said pussy....awww shit!"
Brilliance. Sheer brilliance.
No hurry. We'll see you on Monday.

 

by Ranger77
11-06-03
Spam induces Short Attention Span Syndrome. It's true!
Wouldnt You Like A Larger Pënis? k s oi i
Explicit hot milfs.
Dont Be Alone Any Longer Its Unhealthy ! c o ...
Hello!
Explore Some of Your Options as a Single! gh ...
No more Cäblê Bìlls? b c ghj w .... Explicit hot milfs!

 

by Ranger77
11-06-03
Until the regular strip gets back on line we present this series of public service announcements....
As a lawyer I think that many of you out there misunderstand the "Class Action" lawsuit and how it can be an effective tool for social reform. For example....
What?! Backbreaker Video charged me a $2 late fee. For what?! I was on time!! Bastards....
So if enough of you feel that way you come to me and I'll find other like minded people who also want to be a conduit for change.
They're suing Backbreaker! Cool! Time to get PAID!! I'm in!
Invariably the company settles. I, of course, get a nominal fee for my hard work. Usually in the 6-7 digit range. You on the other hand get the satisfaction of fighting injustice and....
A $5 off coupon on my NEXT RENTAL? WTF?!!

 

by Ranger77
11-07-03
Until the regular strip gets back on line we continue our series of public service announcements....
There have been alot of concern lately about "frivoulous lawsuits." Let me assure you no lawsuit is without merit.
Yes, I did own a '74 Pinto, why do you ask?
The question of negligence is not something to be trifled with.
So if McDonalds actually told me that Big Macs were fattening I wouldn't have eaten five a day for 15 years. If that's not worth 20 million I don't know what is.
And let us not forget, the effects of lawsuits serve to enhance our standard of living.
This says "Open soup can. Do not eat lid. Soup can be very hot. Do not pour in lap." Gee, I'm really glad they had that warning label there....

 

by Ranger77
11-07-03
Spam has a language all its own....
Your .EU Domain is for sale vexgffate ob...
Is MS returning to fat-client lock-in?; ...
Finally, Completely Free Health Insurance!
tap into our lending networklow rates
*sigh*
*sigh*

 

by Ranger77
11-08-03
The Art of Extraterrestrial Negotiation (with special thanks to ivytheplant)
*Sincere Proposition*
COMPLIMENTS OF THE DAY
*PARTNERSHIP REQUEST*
We Have Your Family's Health in Mind.
You're today's winner ecmhyy tfitbbdebutdu
GET YOUR VIAGRA*GET YOUR VIAGRA*ALL NEW PATCH - NO MORE PILLS*!

 

by Ranger77
11-08-03
When Extraterrestrial Negotiation fails (or when the Language Translator is set on 'Spam').
Hungry for Savings?
new Artificial Intellect software to solve globval spam problem party
We Can Help Your Debt Problems! kslhptcoliqb
Amazing_Miniature Keychain Breathalyzer!!
(Again, with thanks to ivytheplant!)

 

by Ranger77
11-09-03
We conclude our series of public service announcements with our resident ambulance chaser and bon vivant, Iva Biggun.
Negligence is not a funny matter. Many have poked fun at personal injury commercials, and I can assure you-HOO it is not humorous.
I slipped and fell in a EB store while looking for Everquest 2. I got 20 million dollars plus 5 million for pain, suffering and anxiety.
These victims will never be the same again.
I slipped and fell in a swamp maintained by Gregorf the Terrible and lost my short sword. I got 10 million gp and an extra 1 million for pain, suffering and loss of experience points.
Surely you must see that litigation is a serious undertaking that must be appreciated and respected.
I got drunk and made it with this guy I met at 'The Rusty Nail' named Earl. Later I ended up face down in the parking lot of a Stuckey's lying in my own vomit. My case comes up on Friday.

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