All comics by Screwball

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by Screwball
11-07-04
Something strange happens whenever I attend Nichol's chat parties...
Hey. Sorry I didn't dress up.
That's fine. Have a seat next to...
Jlo.
Chinese Water Torture would be preferable to this.
Hey, at least I didn't seat you next to Neal.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Nice going, telling Snake
What do you expect me to do, lie
No, but....
And by the way...
Then came the bad news...
Please, let it be rain.
Luke's here.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Give me a dollar, Twan.
Sure, as soon as I can find it
That's bad
Why??
No, I mean, that's bad for you, and good for me, because I get to impale you on the bayonet
These things always happen when I come to these parties.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Well, I've never seen you before! Who're you?
I'm Nalani.
This is going to hurt you very badly
Good lord, I'm in love.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Mike, if you mention Macy I'm going to yell
Relax, Twan, I will not mention Macy
So, how's acy-May?
FUCK.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
This is Neal
Neal's one of the best guys I know
But Neal...welll...
You're cute
Flash Some Pecs!

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
So, Neal, it took you awhile to get up here
Are you talkin to me?
Hey, now, let's not get pissy
Backin' off, punk?
No, it's just that I don't want to be jailed for child abuse
I wonder if I can hit his balls from here.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Matt, I thought you said Sarah had a girlfriend.
She does.
Then why'd she call my house looking for you?
I'm actually not sure, something about my stealing one of her bras.
Man, can't you go on a date without fucking up?
The size of that thing, man...it was like Nirvana...

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
That S.O.B! He stole one of my bras!
Yeah, well.
You tell him if I ever see him again...
I'll show him a new meaning to "Heavy Hangers" and I got the rope to prove it
I think I'll be leaving now.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
This is Craig.
There's just one thing I don't like about Craig...
That's Craig
Must....have....anal...sex...with...pitchfork.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Neal...you're really cute
Thanks, Babe
But can I suggest something?
Sure.
Quit talking to Craig. He's looking at you very strangely, like he wants to do something and blah, blah, blah, blah...
This is like listening to Twan talk...

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
You know, Twan, I wonder sometimes about you...
Goddamn, he's going to ask about Macy...
What's up with that shirt??
Fuck you.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Hello there, good citizen.
And who might you be?
Why, you don't know who I am??
Some fruitcake who thinks it's Halloween?
Why, I'm faster than a speedy trial! More powerful than Kenneth Starr's body odor. Able to leap public housing bills in a single bound...I AM REPUBLICAN MAN!!
I don't think I'll ever leave the house again.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
So, tell me, Republican Man, what have you been doing lately??
Well, you know how Kerry lost the election??
YOU were behind that??
No, but you know how we won??
I was onstage with Howard Dean when he did that yell...sound mixers are a godsend...he actually sounded like Arnold Schwartzenegger
I always figured Bush was a cheater.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
And what happened down in Florida in 2000??
Well, we always say we count all the votes
But if I can be honest...
Do you really think we trust people who think P.Diddy is talented to choose who runs this country??
Somehow, I see what you mean.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
So you threw out all the votes??
Well...
That's amazing! You stole an election and got away with it!!
Well, I wouldn't say we threw them out...
Well, what would you say you did?
Ran them through the shredder.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Good god, I thought you were just a figment of Bush's imagination!
Most people do
Most??
Tom Daschle did
I took great pleasure in that one
I didn't even know there were 50, 000 people in South Dakoa, let alone 500,000

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Explain something to me, Republican Man
You write the speeches, film the commercials, give pep talks, and count the ballots...what do Bush and Cheney do??
Sometimes it's like Lord of The Flies
If you've ever read Lord of the Flies, you understand this one
How?
Cheney's always Jacking Bush.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Answer me one more question: What's going to happen in 2008??
You know, good Republican, I wish I could answer that...
I'm a Democrat
Fuck off.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
So are you ever going to give Sarah her bra back?
No.
You do realize she's going to hang you from a tree by your nuts
Yeah, but man...
It's Heaven!
You're a fucking dumbass

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
So this is the plan...
I want you to kill him and get my bra back
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...let's talk about my payment...
Do I get a bra too?
Eat shit and die.

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
I noticed Sarah isn't around anymore
Yeah.
What'd you do?
Something I should have done a long time ago...
And then I walked up to the guy and said "Listen, you shitty-ass motherfucker.."
His eyes are so dreamy...

 

by Screwball
11-07-04
Matt and I continue to have strange discussions
Read this book, Matt
What's it about?
Matt and I continue to have strange discussions
It's a book about a klepto, it's called "Sticky Fingers"
Is it any good?
Matt and I continue to have strange discussions...and make bad jokes.
Couldn't put it down.
You might want to close your eyes, this will sting a bit.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
So, my son...why have you come to confession
Well, father, I would like to confess one thing
And what is it, my son?
Frankly, Father
Welcome to cynicism
You don't look anything like my father.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Introducing Josh
Dear Josh. This is Twan, I'm sorry you weren't in any of the second comics...
Introducing Josh
But there's a reason why...
Introducing Josh...maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
You suck.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Erika came to my house yesterday.
Uh-oh.
She's not leaving.
I know what's about to happen.
I'm going to soccer-kick her ass out of San Francisco
I'll get the rat poison.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Hey, did you hear about the Dukes of Hazzard movie?
Please, let it be canceled
Guess who's playing Daisy Duke??
Jenna Jameson?
Close. Jessica Simpson
This world's officially in the handbasket.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Want to hear something funny?
Sure.
R.Kelly filed a $90 million lawsuit against Jay-Z
Yeah
What I want to know is...When's that girl gonna file that lawsuit against HIM?
Probably after she finishes counting the money he paid her.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
I keep wondering if I should go to Chicago.
If you do, you'll be dead.
And just who the fuck are you?
My real name is Tommy. but you can call me..
8-X
The Grim Sleeper

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
What the fuck brings you here?
you've complained too much about Jlo
Oh, yeah, what the hell do you expect??
That's not it....there's something else...
Watching those John Holmes movies and wishing you were him.
I always knew someone was watching me.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Well, it's time to die for you
Bad news on that...
Oh?
Nostradamus says I'm not supposed to die till 2075.
You're Jeff Hayes, right??
Actually, no, I'm John McCain.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Enough of this shit. Now it's time to fucking die.
Look behind you.
Right, like I'm going to fall for that shit
No, really
Tommy, where have you been?? It's time for my foot massage!
OHHHHHHHHHHH, FUCCCCCCCCCCKK!

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Sometimes you have to make war upon unsuspecting people
Like whoever opens this door!
War is for suckers
Hi, I'm Jazi

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
So what do you look like without that outfit?
Turn out the light for a minute
I should have guessed.
Hey, you asked.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Hello...??
Hello...??
The best advice....is that which is never taken
Josh, you really should stop being such an attention whore.
Damn people, always ignoring me...

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
What kind of music should I listen to?
I'd suggest the Flaming Lips
You're a fucking queer.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
You shouldn't be worried...
I'm not mad about you hooking me up with Matt
That's a relief.
That'll be $99.99.
But I just ordered a cheeseburger and fries!

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
So I went back to Chicago and stayed with my family. I thought about staying for good...
But then it occured to me...
I can not get laid better in Minnesota than I can in Chicago.
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't talk

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
This is Mike, not Tasha's boyfriend
Mike has a small problem. He's a Yankee fan. In Tulsa, OK
Times are hard for Mike
Hey, he's one of them there yankee fans! Let's tar and feather him!

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
You know, it's not so bad living in Oklahoma
At least the weather's always constant
Goddamnit.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
In the old days, cowboys used to be everywhere. Cowboys used to be signs of manliness
Now the only time you see a cowboy...
Is when he's being fucked by an Indian.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Hello there, young man, have you ever seen a real cowboy before?
Uh...yeah
Really? Where?
If you're a guy, you get this
Dallas

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
There's one other bad thing about oklahoma...no sex.
What's up with that??
Hey, how would you like to ride me, Cowboy?
Drop fucking dead.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Mike thinks hard about his opportunity to get laid...
It's been so long since I had a roll in the hay...
Mike thinks hard about his opportunity to get laid...
I think I'm starting to see things
Mike thinks hard about his opportunity to get laid...
I'll get you for this, Twan

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
This is Dawny...
This is Dawny...
I'm sorry, was I supposed to say something here? I was out having a sandwich.
Twan.....

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
The other day I was out walking and some guy asked me if I masturbated.
I asked him, is it any of his business? I mean, am I going to hell for masturbating?
Yes.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
So, wait, I'm here because I masturbated??
Yes
That doesn't make any sense!
Nothing here ever does.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck
If you had done more of that, you wouldn't be here.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
So I'm stuck here for all eternity????
Not exactly...
You can stay here or be sent to a worse place.
What on fucking earth could be worse than this???
Figures

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Wait a minute, Satan, I thought this was supposed to be torture.
You don't think it is??
Oh, that's right, I forgot...
Meet your vice-president...
Hah, Ah'm Newt Gingrich...

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
You know, babe, sometimes when I'm alone...
I wonder if you'll leave me for a bigger man.
Are you serious??
Fuck no, I'm the Total Package!

Showing page 2.

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