All comics by SilverPhoenix

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by SilverPhoenix
11-01-06
You should just call Pat and Nancy and tell them that the announcement came back.
What would be the point of that?
Then they could verify that their address is correct.
But we've both verified it a hundred times, from the return address of letters they sent.
Call them. Just to be sure.
Fall down a well, just to be sure.

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-01-06
The next day...
Did you call them yet?
No! I haven't called them yet! I've been busy.
You'd better call them.
I don't see the point. Besides, Pat will just talk for hours about his tornado-proof house.
Call them! Call them! *sqwak!* Call them!
I wonder if the V-chip works on relatives.

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-01-06
Could you just send me their email address?
...why don't you call them?
Because it's easier to email the registry link than dictating it over the phone.
Let me go find it...
Screw it, I'll just drive to Oklahoma. It will be faster.
No, no. I think I can find it in the next 24 hours.

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-01-06
The next day...
I'll just write down the link on a piece of paper and put it inside the announcement.
Did you call them yet?
[lie]I can't call them because I have laryngitis and can't speak.[/lie]
I'll check in a few days to see if you've called them.
With any luck, I'll be on a five-year space mission by then.
Take your cell phone so you can call them.

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Two months ago...
I want to put an announcement in the local paper when you get married.
I'd rather you didn't.
But I want everyone to know that you're married!
You just want to parade my marital status in front of that backwards redneck town so you won't feel like you raised a failure.
I'm proud of my daughter's accomplishment of finally landing a man...even if there's nothing else to celebrate.
I'LL GRADUATE COLLEGE WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY!!

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Send me your wedding photos so I can pick one to include in the announcement.
First of all, I want to read the rough draft before you send it in...
That's reasonable.
Second, I don't want a picture.
Anything you want dear...
Danger WIll Robinson!

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Today...
As you requested, here's the first draft of the announcement I'm going to send.
Why does it have our high school graduation dates?
That's relevant info.
For what? To prove we aren't underage?
Everyone wants to know who you are.
I don't want them to know who I am!

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Why did you list me as Jim's child?
He's your stepfather.
He's your second husband that you married years after I left home.
Technically he's still your stepfather.
Gee, I don't know. You never told me you were getting married, remember?
Let's come back to that...

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Look, leave in parental info if you want, but you cannot use Jim as my father.
If I do that, you're out of his will.
I was never in it.
Then you're out of mine.
Fine, you can depend on my brother to take care of you when you're old.
Damn, she has me there...

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
So send me a photo that you want me to put in the announcement.
I told you, I don't want a photo.
I'll just use the one I took in Colorado then.
When did you take a picture of us?
My guess is when you were looking really sweaty and gross after the hike.
On the upside, maybe the town will think we're two men getting married and freak out...

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Look, I told you, I refuse to have a picture in the paper.
Fine. I won't put a picture in.
I think I'll have a little talk with the newspaper about you.
I wonder what other papers are in the area...

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Okay, the two of us have discussed it. This is the announcement we want you to put in the paper.
It just says your names and the date of your wedding.
Right. That's all anyone needs to know.
But they have to know where you work, where you're from, where you went to high school, and what your shoe size is!
TBC...
I'm dead serious.
Let me think about this...

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Later that evening...
Well, there's a certain format that the newspaper wants and I guess you two don't want the announcement so I'll forget the whole thing!
Thank god!
You're pissed off now, aren't you?
No, I'm sulking.
How mature of you.

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-05-06
Look, I didn't know there was a format you had to follow. Maybe you should have made things clear instead of throwing a tantrum.
*sulk*
Fine, you can put the damned announcement in. Just keep it to a minimum.
VICTORY!!!

 

by SilverPhoenix
2-19-07
You get an inheritance to use as a down payment on a house.
Right, but before I can buy a house I have debts to pay and no money for it. Can I use part of the inheritance for that?
No, it's only for a downpayment on a house.
So in order to get money I need, I have to already have the money I need?
You get an inheritance to use as a down payment on a house.
Hello eternity of slum housing.

 

by SilverPhoenix
2-25-07
I prefer tarot cards. Astrology is just too scientific!
*blink*
*blink*
*blink*

 

by SilverPhoenix
2-26-07
I really like the local pagan store, but they put up spells to make people impulse buy.
I always wondered why I bought things while I was in there.
Maybe because it's a store, you ninny.

 

by SilverPhoenix
2-26-07
Since that store was filled with spells to make people impulse buy, I had Amy remove all of them.
Then she put binding spells inside so the owners couldn't try to put up more spells to make people buy things against their will anymore.
I hate to tell you this, but you aren't Harry Potter.

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-18-07
Remember, honesty is the best policy. Marriages are sacred and you should never ever EVER cheat on anyone.
Yes, mom.
Mommy, why are you wrestling with that man who isn't daddy?
Uh, this is mommy's special friend. Go away.
18 years later...
Now, I want you to be faithful with your marriage. Don't do anything bad or I will be very disappointed in you.
Did anyone ever tell you that you should never give advice?

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-18-07
Maybe your mother is giving you this advice because she feels guilty.
She had an affair for 15 years, the guy she was seeing cheated on her with another woman, dumped her, my dad found out about it but forgave her...
...and after they patched their marriage up, she restarted the affair with the same guy, then divorced dad and married him.
And you're not in a mental institution how?
I wasn't invited to her wedding.

 

by SilverPhoenix
5-17-07
Hey, my satellite is out and a technician won't be available for several days. Can you record a show for me?
Oh, gee, I don't think so. I'd need an RCA cable and I don't have any.
Oh, no problem, you can have one of mine.
Yeah, well, I'd have to, like, hook up the VCR.
You know how you only have satellite because you're mooching off of us?
Plugging cables in is hard work.

 

by SilverPhoenix
5-20-07
Hey, can I borrow that Asian porn magazine of yours?
Uh, you can have it.
No, I just want to borrow it for a few days.
Dude, just take it.

 

by SilverPhoenix
6-13-07
I made cheese today. It was pretty fun so I'm going to try my hand at making butter tomorrow.
Why not just buy butter?
What's it like, living in a cold, dead world of no imagination or joy of discovery?
Tingly.

 

by SilverPhoenix
6-24-07
We're going to have a cookout on Saturday in the mountains. Bring some hot dogs and marshmallows.
Sure, okay. Let us know when and where.
Since you two are always late, I want you to be there at 7pm sharp! If you're not there, you missed out. We're leaving at 7! Don't be late!
Sure, okay.
Saturday...
Hey, sorry we're three hours late. But hey, now we're even!
Kill...

 

by SilverPhoenix
6-24-07
5PM-7PM
That's strange. I'm all ready to go and I can't get ahold of anyone about this cookout.
7PM-8PM
No one is here. They can't have left yet.
8PM-9PM
Oh yeah, we're running late. I've been soooo busy telling everyone about the changed plans, which I knew about at 4PM.
I feel so loved.

 

Come on! We're burning daylight!
It's fucking 9PM you idiot!
by SilverPhoenix, 6-24-07

 

by SilverPhoenix
6-24-07
Don't bring any iron into the circle!
What about that sword?
Oh, that's steel!

 

by SilverPhoenix
7-17-07
*pointless whining about things that don't exist*
Why are you even telling me this crap?
I believe it's a fair question, given our relationship.
What relationship?
I see you've forgotten our friendship.
It ended ten years ago, you dumbass.

 

by SilverPhoenix
7-17-07
Maybe you forgot what our friendship means, but I certainly haven't.
Apparently our friendship means you'll find new ways to annoy me.
Dumbass.

 

by SilverPhoenix
7-17-07
If my friendship was so painful to you, then why were you friends with me in the first place?
Because back then, you were only a slightly annoying, self-absorbed airhead with self-destructive tendencies to date men who were scum.
I see. And what am I now?
An annoying, self-absorbed bitch who uses her supposed miscarriages to keep her unhappy husband from doing the right thing and leaving.
Dumbass.

 

by SilverPhoenix
7-17-07
I don't see why you're so hateful.
I'm not hateful. I just don't want to talk to you.
Well, then. Why don't you stop talking to me?
BECAUSE YOU KEEP CALLING AND EMAILING ME YOU DUMB BITCH!
You have a big chip on your shoulder.
I'm hoping it will fly off and hit you in the head.

 

by SilverPhoenix
7-18-07
I don't think you consider us friends anymore.
That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten years.
Whine cry sob! You keep acting like you're some poor misfit who had no friends, but you had life sooooo easy!
My life was soooo hard and apparently the people I thought were my friends stab me in the back!
Oh jesus...

 

by SilverPhoenix
7-18-07
Here's where I tell a story of some random guy you barely knew in an attempt to make you realize you should consider yourself lucky.
I wonder what's for supper.
I'm going to cry about how horribly abused I was even though there's absolutely no evidence any of it ever happened.
I should go see a movie tonight.
Now I'm going to bring up something that has nothing to do with any part of this and use it to prove why you're a horrible person who abandons your friends.
Why is she still yammering?

 

by SilverPhoenix
7-18-07
More pointless babbling about dumb shit.
You're a narcissistic bitch. The world does not revolve around you. I'm not friends with you anymore. Stop writing me.
Now I'm hurt and going to go obsess over this and whine every chance I get to anyone who will listen about how horrible you are.
That's nice. I'm going to burn you in effigy.
I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS FOR ANOTHER TEN YEARS!

 

by SilverPhoenix
8-22-07
I got no sleep, couldn't eat anything, and the new neighbors managed to block an entire parking lot. Now my boss is loudly horking up phlegm outside my office.
I feel like shit, so I'm praying nothing else happens today.
Your mom just emailed you.
Kill me.
Looks like she wants you to be more like other people again.

 

by SilverPhoenix
8-22-07
How does my mom want to make my life miserable today?
She wants you to read this science blog that the son of her best friend wrote.
Oh good.
Apparently he's a professional science writer with his Master's degree and has been published many times.
She's sent me this damned thing a dozen times already.
She wants to remind you that if you really loved her, you would be more like him and not such a failure.

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