All comics by SilverPhoenix

Profile

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-30-03
Isn't it a little late to be hexing the town?
If by "hexing" you mean lots of sex...
Uhoh...
And if by "the town" you mean impressionable young college boys...
Then no. No it is not.
You are an evil, evil woman.

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-30-03
Welcome to Fried Meat On A Stick Shack, may I take your order?
I order you to take charge of your life! Let go the ways of sin! Find Jesus in your heart and your life will improve!
Sir, would you kindly fuck off?
The customer is always right.
Yeah, right-wing conservate elitist jackass shoulda taken a left at Alberquerque kind of right. Now fuck off before I turn you into a gay black Jew.

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-30-03
I smell trouble.
You wunna them com-u-nist pagan tree-hugging whores?
No sir. I am not a Communist, I am a socialist.
Huh?
And if I was a whore I'd get paid. Now good day, sir.
??

 

by SilverPhoenix
12-01-03
Hello sister!
I'm not your sister.
You're my sister in Wicca! Let us frolic and dance amongst the flowers!
No, I'd rather sit on a porcupine.
Aw! I think someone is has a case of the Sundays!
Aw christ you twit! You and your fluffy bunny cronies are making a laughingstock of Wicca! Now go put glitter on something before I turn you into a newton!

 

by SilverPhoenix
12-01-03
Welcome to Fried-Meat-On-A-Stick Shack, may I take your order?
So, uh...you have those like...orgies and stuff? Cause my sister's cousin's dentist's roomate says--
Ahh...bliss...
Uhoh...
You know the rules on zapping customers. Two more strikes and I'm going to have to put you on bathroom duty.

 

by SilverPhoenix
12-03-03
I feel like I'm being followed...
Good day to you! Have you heard about--
ARGH!!!
Damn!
MORMONS!!!

 

by SilverPhoenix
12-03-03
Welcome to Fried-Meat-On-A-Stick Shack, may I take your order?
Woooow! Are you REALLY a witch?
Yes. Now what would you like to order?
My mommy said the lady next door is a witch and that she's no good and stuff--
Why did I waste strike 2 on the guy with the big head?
--I think you're a nice witch but you aren't wearing pink so you aren't like the Glinda--

 

by SilverPhoenix
12-05-03
Welcome to Fried-Meat-On-A-Stick Shack, may I take your order?
Yeah, do you, like, have any vegetarian food.
I SAID: "Welcome to Fried-MEAT-On-A-Stick Shack, may I take your order!?"
Well, pfah! You should carry vegetarian food cause a lot of vegetarians might want--
Good thing I started the job hunt last week.

 

by SilverPhoenix
12-05-03
Here it comes. Thank goodness I have a better job lined up.
I thought I told you no more zapping the customers.
She wanted vegetarian food.
Oh...then that's okay. You can keep your job.
WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME YOU BASTARD!!?!

 

by SilverPhoenix
1-18-04
I need you to take the morning shift for the next week.
"Morning"?
You know, the sun comes up, the birds sing, etc etc.
Ah. My sleeping time.
Do it or I'll reduce your pay by 50¢.
Oh dear. Stop the torture. Please. However will I survive without that 50¢?

 

by SilverPhoenix
1-18-04
Look, you have a bad attitude, you insult and hex the customers, and you refuse to follow policy.
Awwww. Thanks boss! I didn't know you cared!
What I'm saying is, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.
Eeeexcellent! Now I just gotta warm up the ol' wand and I can zap that bastard!
What're you staring at?
Nothing! Now hold still a moment...

 

by SilverPhoenix
1-18-04
So you zapped him after he fired you? Wow!
I probably shouldn't have, but the urge was too great.
So now what are you gonna do?
I've got another job lined up. Professional hexer. Should be fun.
Professional hexer?
Yeah. I figure I might as well turn my hobby into a well-paying career.

 

by SilverPhoenix
5-21-04
Isis, I need a job by June. And not just cause I need money either.
There's other reasons to get a job?
Yeah. I need a legitimate excuse as to why I can't go watch one of my best friends get married.
You could just decline.
Our mothers are also best friends and nothing less than income potential or a coma is going to work.
Ouch.

 

by SilverPhoenix
5-21-04
I don't know what to do about this if I can't find a job.
You should just be honest with them.
Tell them that I don't want to have to endure being around people my age or less who are successful while my career consists of puttering around the TV all day?
Yeah, you need a job ASAP.
...and I KNOW no matter what my mom says, she IS thinking the same things my impoverished self-esteem will be telling me!
Not to mention anger management classes...

 

by SilverPhoenix
5-21-04
Sigh, if it was any other friend getting married, I'd endure a social setting.
What makes this one different?
I've been in love with him since I was 10.
Oh, THAT kind of different.
It's gonna suck to see him marry some tiny little thing who probably drives a VW with a ski rack and has hiked around mountains in some exotic country and thinks Walden is good literature!
About those anger management classes...

 

by SilverPhoenix
5-21-04
*stare*
o/^ Filing, filing, over the open sea...o/^
*stare*
Did it just get cold in here?
I still don't see my name on your favorites list.
Yes'm!

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-01-05
Hey, I haven't seen you in ages! How's it going?
Lousy. I got fired last week from my job as a professional hexer.
Sorry to hear that. They say why?
Said my hexes were substandard.
So...the guy that fired you...?
Do you need to ask?

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-05-05
The Law of Three is the Divine Law. The universe follows it and so must you.
You mean people believe in a law created by (fallible) humans and expect the universe to follow.
No no! It is the Divine Truth!
You claim to be knowledgeable about the world of magick and the universe, yet you are so arrogant to assume that the universe actually follows your limited ideas.
You're a mean witch!
I'm realistic. If you ever feel like coming back to this plane of existence, let's do lunch.

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-05-05
So I hear you pissed off quite a few of your bretheren lately.
Oh please. They're as much my "bretheren" as Fred Phelps is my best pal.
So what exactly do you believe in?
Science, knowledge, potential, mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Oh my god! You are a witch!
I think you pronounced it wrong.

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-05-05
Even if you don't worship both the God and the Goddess, you MUST include a representation of each on your altar.
Okay, I'll bite. Why?
Because the duality exists in all of us. We are (at least partially) both male and female and they MUSt be represented or you risk making the gods angry.
What about plants and animals with other sexes? Is it fair to exclude them?
Um...
And don't get me started on aliens. Don't you think they'd be pissed at being excluded?

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-17-05
January
Okay, I took St. Patty's day weekend off for the metaphysical show. That should be plenty of time for both of us to save up some money and work around other plans.
Right!
Tuesday
Look, you didn't bother to save even $5 so I cancelled my days off, but I'll pay for stuff if you still want to go on Friday. Let me know by 3pm on Thursday.
Right!
Thursday night - 20 minutes ago
So how's Saturday for you?
Say it to my face.

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-17-05
So, still wanna go to the metaphysical show? Saturday's still on, right?
I'm no so sure now. There's a cold front moving through the entire state. Weather is going to be bad.
That's Thursday. And it will still be above freezing all week.
What about going on Friday?
You know, that's even closer to your mythical cold front than Saturday.
Weather forecasts are always changing!

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-17-05
So, ready to go to the show tomorrow?
I don't think we should go.
Why not?
There was white-out conditions today.
For 15 minutes. I watched it from the window. Then the sun came out and it melted.
But they closed the interstate for a couple hours.

 

by SilverPhoenix
3-17-05
I'm ready to go, how about you?
I don't think this is safe.
Oh fer cryin' out loud! What now?
I think I saw a cloud.
Look, if you didn't want to go, then you should have just said so the first time. I could be earning double holiday overtime right now.
I'm soooorrryyyyy. I'm such a bad friend! I'm sorry!

 

by SilverPhoenix
8-15-05
So, how did you like Troy?
I want those three hours of my life back.
But it was such a great movie!
It only took them four days to win the Trojan war!
But you got to see Brad Pitt's naked butt!
Four days!

 

by SilverPhoenix
8-15-05
Thursday
Frank cheated on me. I still love him though.
He's an ass.
Sunday
Frank's moving to the other side of the state. I love him. I'll miss him so much.
He's an ass. You're a moron.
Monday
I got a new boyfriend!
You're an ass.

 

by SilverPhoenix
9-12-06
God willing, I will not have to deal with any member of my family today.
You've got mail! From your mother! She's planning your wedding for you!
HAIL SATAN!!

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-13-06
Braaaaiiiinnnnss!!!
Braaaaiiiinnnnss!!!
Braaaaiiiinnnnss!!!
Goddamn public education.

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-13-06
Why do I have a sudden craving for English beef?

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-13-06
Jesus H Christ! These are the worst breadsticks I've ever had!
You got a problem with my cooking?
Well, they were kind of stale and...
YOU WILL EAT MY BODY AND LOVE IT, BITCH!!!

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-13-06
Timmy, do you think we'll go to heaven?
Fuck that. I'm going to be reincarnated as an international space astronaut rock star!!!
80 years later...
Shit...I'm just going to rot here, aren't I?
Heeeeey, macarena!

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-13-06
My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that spinach has endangered the lives of millions.
Therefore, I'm takin' the initiative and gonna protect ya'll in the only way I know how...
We're invading the food pyramid.

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-13-06
Looks like flying saucers are attacking the city.
Yep.
You know what this means, don't you?
Yep.
I'm taking an ass-probing for the team.
Yep.

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
You should send wedding announcements out.
I wasn't thinking about it, but I guess I could send a few to some friends and close relatives.
I compiled a list of distant relatives and people you've never met.
But I--
Also, I there's some college roommates I haven't seen in 30 years who should get an announcement.
It beings...

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
[Request for addresses of three people. Indicate loss of own address book.]
[Proceed to explain this process takes much effort and will return with info in a week.]
Next day...
[Explain addresses found on whitepages.com and announcements have been mailed. No further assistance needed.]
[Pretend incomprehension and continue tales of treks through the wilderness for addresses.]
One week later...
[Ask unrelated question and/or send picture of cats doing something cute.]
[Respond with alphebetized list of distant relatives and people you've never met.]

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
I appreciate the list, but I sent off the announcements last week. Plus, I don't know who these people are.
How dare you not know! These people drove all the way from Denver to be at your grandfather's funeral!
You do remember I took two weeks off of school during mid-terms to drive 1,000 miles in a death trap car so I could help coordinate the funeral...
..and that I had to sleep on a couch on the porch in winter so those relatives could have the beds because they were too cheap to get a hotel, right?
You are so ungrateful of all the work I do for you.

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
Who's David and Donna?
He's the son of your second cousin (who I can't bother naming) and that's his wife.
Oh.
Do I know him?
You played Monopoly together when you were 8.

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
Why should I send an announcement to your second husband's sister and brother-in-law?
They like you.
That makes one of us.
Just because you've only seen them for a total of four hours in your entire life....

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
Isn't Jeannie the kid of another one of your cousins?
[Insert lecture on responsibility of remembering every detail.]
When did she get married?
I don't remember.

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
So who's this Margaret person?
[Insert lecture on remembering who someone is that you've never met before.]
Oh.
I don't remember her husband's name.

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
Look, I only sent announcements to the people I care about. If you want these people to know, you send them yourself.
How dare you be so ungrateful blah blah wedding blah blah responsibility blah blah my ego...
You never sent me an announcement when you got married.
Uh...
In fact, you weren't even going to tell me.
Well, that was different...

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
As I recall, you promised to transport me to my new job, then decided to get married on the same day I had to start work...
Erg..
...and didn't even have the balls to tell me you couldn't keep your promise, much less why.
Um...
I found out a week before I had to leave. From someone else. I had to borrow $750 from a friend to buy a shit car. Which imploded and left me stranded.
[Insert lecture on fiscal responsibility.]

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-26-06
Look, if you want to boost your ego through my marriage, I can't stop you.
[Masturbates to opulent wedding fantasy.]
But this marriage is about me and I'm not going to let you drive me insane with your ridiculous...
[Drools over lavish catering plans.]
WOULD YOU STOP THAT!?
[Ponders renting a surrogate daughter for the wedding.]

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-27-06
10 years ago...
Here's 200 graduation announcements and a list of relatives and people you don't know. Take care of them.
I only know a dozen people on this list.
I think you met some of them when you were an infant.
Who are the people in Section B, subsection 12?
Those are my college roommates from 30 years ago.
Aaaand this pertains to my academic status how?

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-27-06
2 weeks later...
Have you sent out the thank you cards?
Yeah, I made sure to send thank you cards to everyone who sent me money or a gift.
No, no, no. You have to send a thank you card to everyone who sent you anything, even just a card.
What happens if they send a thank you card for my thank you card?
Call them. Postage is expensive.
Oh I'll call them. Then I'll beg them to adopt me.

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-27-06
You didn't finish sending thank you cards.
I ran out of steam after the first hundred.
Oh come on, it's not that hard.
I'm running out of things to say that don't make me sound like a card-writing robot.
Just say how much you enjoyed what they sent you and you hope to see them soon.
"Dear whoever you are. Thanks for the card. It will be a lovely addition to the garbage can."

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-27-06
You're one card short.
I've hit my limit. I can't do any more.
If you don't send [name I forgot] a card, you're demonstrating poor etiquette. That will reflect badly on me.
Who is this woman again?
I think I knew her in college, but I'm not sure.
Do these people even know who you are?

 

by SilverPhoenix
10-27-06
10 years later...
Remember that woman you never sent a thank you card to?
Of course. You never let me forget.
I bet she still remembers what an ungrateful person you are.
I bet it was more like this...
Who the hell is SilverPhoenix and why did she send me a graduation announcement?
Maybe it's a rich relative. Better send a card.

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-01-06
Monday
Did you send thank-you cards yet?
I just sent the announcements. I'll send the thank-you cards in a week.
Tuesday
Did you send thank-you cards yet?
Even if I did, you won't get them for another three or four days.
Wednesday
Don't forget to send thank-you cards, haha!
Don't forget to fall down a well, haha!

 

by SilverPhoenix
11-01-06
Nancy's announcement came back. Are you sure the address is correct?
Let me double-check it for you.
Four days later...
Yes, it's correct.
I'll send it again then.
Maybe you should just call them.
It begins...

Showing page 1.

Next »