All comics by Smurph

Profile

 

by Smurph
7-22-05
Wow. Its David Hasselhoff. Welcome to the set of Baywatch: Pet Rescue, Mr. Hasselhoff.
Please, you can call me Hoff
Ah, okay, no hassle.

 

by Smurph
7-26-05
Ahh, Brazil... A country that is better than fair En-ger-land in many ways - Football, for example, and the art of Mambo. But recently we have found something that we excel at.
And that is Counter-Terrorism. We're great, honestly. So to any Brazilians reading, all I can say is...
Shooting people is wrong, kids.
IN YOUR FACE! IN YOUR FACE!

 

by Smurph
7-26-05
Eh. EEH. EEEEEEEESTEBAAAAAN!!!!!!
Yes, Meeeeeeester Fooj?
May your family die in a painful accident involving a tainted hippo with rickets and a rubber gnome called Geoffrey.
Hmm. Ees you unhappy about the delivery of 452 photocopies of my reeeengpiece?

 

by Smurph
7-26-05
In the inner sanctum of Marvel.....
...Okay, well, He's called Mangaroo, and he can, um, box. And jump along a bit, see, and, um...
Yeah, hmmm... Its a bit flat. Sell it!
He's got a pocket that he keeps young sidekicks in.
LEAVE!!!

 

by Smurph
7-27-05
Eugene visits Viz...
Here we go... I've done a couple for your fine literary establishment. Firstly, Bilius Crob - But His Head is a Nob...
*BLLOOOORRP* You're my beesht mate, reet?
Darius Brunt? Jemima Hollocks? Alan Blissflaps?
*BLLOOOORRP* Too original for ush, pal...

 

by Smurph
7-28-05
So you're a retro gamer then?
Well, yeah, but look, we need these files put on the system as soon as you can. I'll just set them here.
All your database are belong to us! Ahahahahaaa!!!

 

by Smurph
9-05-05
Don't forget Mr. President, a massive hurricane is gonna pummel the south in a week...
Heh heh eh heh you look smelly!
Right, Mr. President, Hurricane Watch says this thing is REALLY pissed, two days left. Should we do something?
Pack my nighty bag!
Three days later...
'I see a little silhouetto of a man' la lala lala la... Niggling feeling in... back... of thingy... Head.

 

by Smurph
9-09-05
How come, on Sunday afternoon, the supermarket has more kids in it than Gary Glitter's computer? Its like a frigging creche!
Hmm...
I mean, they squeal fucking murder, and run about like wee gypsies, and if you slam your trolley into them hard, YOU'RE the bad guy!!!
Yeah, ok, BIll, but get that bastard microphone out of my face, we're not even recording this now.

 

by Smurph
9-13-05
Okay, Jenkins, that chinese girl you asked me to get a job for starts today in Supplies. You did tell her, didn't you?
Why yes, of course I did. Only about five times.
Two days later...
Where is she? There's been no sign of her at all. You're in for it if you've made me look stupid...
I can't understand it, I did tell her when to start...
When suddenly...
SUPPLIES!!!

 

by Smurph
10-05-05
Hey, you hear about Ronnie Barker?
No, I did not. Why don't you hit me with your punchline?
He's duh. He's duh-deh-deee... He's d-d-d-duh... He passed away.
Ahhh... There it is.

 

by Smurph
10-05-05
Give us a job.
I'm sorry, we don't employ dogs. Why don't you join the circus?
What the fuck would a circus want with a personal shopper?

 

Hi. I'm Jade Goody, and I'm here to talk to you about the terrible plight of me. I mean, look at me. You should see me without make-up. Like a fucking huge turd, I tell you.
by Smurph, 10-12-05

 

by Smurph
10-12-05
Hey, um, I just found this here and it keeps following me. Any idea what to do with it?
Have you thought about bringing it to the zoo?
Did you not bring that thing to the zoo yesterday?
The next day...
Well, yeah, and he loved it. We're going to the beach today.

 

by Smurph
10-20-05
Tony Blair promises Bird 'Flu jabs for all...
There you go Mrs. marsden, you'll be fine now. Send in the next one, please.
Thank you doctor.
Right, that's you protected, send in the next one.
Cheers, doc, will do.
How many times do I have to tell you, you don't qualify!
I am so fucked.

 

by Smurph
11-22-05
And in other news, paedo fuck Gary Glitter may face death by firing squad in Vietnam after 'allegations' he had sex with a twelve-year-old.
The IRA are said to be re-arming on the off chance they can have a crack at Michael Jackson.

 

by Smurph
11-22-05
Wow, so there's this virus then? Hmm. And it makes you EVIL!!! But only if you carry the EVIL!!! gene. Otherwise you become invincible!
Strange. Ah, well, I hope I'm not EVIL!!! Here come some 'Demons'! Get 'em!
Splat! Bangbangbang! Eeeeek! Etc.
Shit, we've killed all the 'Demons'... How are we gonna finish this?
Umm... I know! Projectionist, reel 6 of Universal Soldier, toot sweet!

 

by Smurph
11-24-05
My country's greatest ever footballer lies dying in hospital this evening. Bestie, we're right behind you, but the news isn't all bad...
For one thing, at least his dribbling has improved.

 

by Smurph
12-22-05
Tum tee tum... Bored...
Screw it, a bit o' the ole Xbox Live for me, and some Halo, I think. Hope there's no fucking Merkins on though...
PWNED!!!1

 

Sorry, sorry, its just that when you said 'empty your sack' I thought you meant... Well, y'know...
by Smurph, 12-23-05

 

Got a one way ticket to Hell and back!!!
Surely that's a return?
by Smurph, 12-27-05

 

Hello, I'm bltsandwich, and this is my home. The irony is, I don't even like blt sandwiches! Haha! That's funny, right...?
by Smurph, 1-03-06

 

by Smurph
1-06-06
Right, we need to go in hard and kill these bandits before they know we're there. Everyone ready? Nicole, Les, Jake? Ok...
LLLEEEEEEEERROOOOY HUJENNNNNNKIIIINNNSAH!!!!!
Fuck.

 

by Smurph
1-10-06
Right, lets go in. I know this is the most dangerous part of the adventure yet, and one of us may get horribly torn limb from limb, but we have to do it. Ready Les?
Ready. Nicole?
I'm good. Ensign Dave?
Fuck.

 

by Smurph
1-10-06
In the Pet Shop...
Can I help you?
Yes, I'd like to buy a wasp.
Umm, we don't sell wasps...
But you've got one in the window!
Ha ha ha, Whee!

 

by Smurph
1-10-06
Ah, I see they have the new book about Diana here... "A Royal Duty."
I'd be laughing if I was American.

 

by Smurph
1-11-06
What's wrong with you?
Well, Becky's not talking to me. I was having a tin of beer in the canteen earlier, but to hide what I was doing, it was in a plastic bag. Now she thinks I sniff glue.
Del?
Yeah?
You were sniffing glue again, weren't you?
... Yes.

 

by Smurph
1-11-06
Round 47: Fight!
Leave my friend, the big feckin ape, alone. Nasty men!
Nnnnnnneeeeooowww daka daka daka, etc...
Oook.

 

by Smurph
1-11-06
So I just split up with Becky, and I've had my eye on you for a while.
So would you go with me to the 'Enchantment Under The Tarp' Dance this Saturday? What d'you say?
Don't swing that way, buddy.

 

by Smurph
1-11-06
Ok, I'm going to watch this Paul Mckenna thing on't telly. He says he can help everyone lose weight.
Automatic Obligatory You're Not Fat Comment. By the way, is he not a hypnotist?
Yeah... I hope I don't end up thinking I'm a gerbil named Horace.
You're a freak of nature.
What free furniture?

 

by Smurph
1-16-06
Eh oop, its lucky we survived t'plane crash. Now for some 'hilarious' japes!
Umm... What now? I have to save this person over here, who has been attacked by the mechanical security system for this island! Apparently!
Thud, crash, impending doom noises, etc...
Tha can never find a trolley car and a big hill with a wall at t'bottom to crash into when tha needs them!
RAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE UNFUNNY YORKSHIRE PENSIONER! AND ENJOY IT!
Fuck.

 

by Smurph
1-21-06
Well done Jenkins, You've got the promotion. But remember, as Abraham Lincoln once said, 'With great power comes great responsibility'.
Umm... That was Spiderman, but okay.
Later...
Miss Crabtree?
Yes, Mr. Jenkins?
Rim job.

 

by Smurph
2-24-06
Jesus, what's this... "Superman down the stairs into babygate... Am I a tree? Stuck in chair... Run it under a cold tap..." Is this a list of my thoughts last night?
Why can I also vaguely remembering how much it would be to hire both Patrick Moore and his xylophone? And what are Dead or Alive Jelly Moulds?
And did I really tell people that Egg Foo Yung is better than rape?

 

by Smurph
3-10-06
11.00 AM
Christ, I can't believe I slept in on my first day as a Soldier/Guard/Whatever, I hope I don't get drawn in to some mysterious plot today...
Sire, I'm sorry I'm late, I...
Woe! WOE!! My daughter has been kidnapped, and only the Legendary Hero can help! Wait, what's that on your tunic?
Goddamn it.

 

by Smurph
3-10-06
Okay, mental list: 1. Gather together outcast band of wierdos to help me. 2. Get increasingly stronger, until I can one-twack dragons and shit. 3. Find that stupid artefa...
Pshshshsshswshwshwsh!!!!
Uhhhh?
Attack? Wait? Use Item?
Seven hit ponts off him? SEVEN? Its a snail!!

 

by Smurph
3-13-06
Umm, I was told you have the key to that house there, there's an important item I need for my quest in it. Can I have the key?
Oh, I'm far too busy looking for SOAP to get you the key. If you help me find SOAP I will let you borrow the key.
Give me the key or I stick you. And what's with the capitals?

 

by Smurph
3-14-06
Oh, hello there. Why are you sitting just outside the town then?
I was run out of town for being, and I quote, 'a bit mystical'.
Ooo, mystical, cool. I'm looking for companions to join me on a perilous quest: what are your powers?
Umm... I'm a goat.

 

by Smurph
3-14-06
Nooooo...
Go away.
You again?!
Never met you before in me life, guvnah, there's millions of us, all identical. D'you want to hear me song or not?

 

by Smurph
3-14-06
Hey, your door was open, alright if I look round?
Outside of town is a dangerous place, traveller, I hope you have FIRE based weapons and armour.
O-kaay. Hey, did you know this chest is unlocked? Wow, 2000 rupees!
Outside of town is a dangerous place, traveller, I hope you have FIRE based weapons and armour.

 

by Smurph
3-15-06
Ah, thank fuck someone's about... I'm busting to 'birth some Cosbys', mind if I use your stink lodge?
My what?
Ok, plain language, can I have a shit in your bathroom?
Um. House only has one room, six of us live in it, but spend all day walking up and down out here for no reason. Works for us.
I know a guy who has soap, if that's any use.

 

Trust me, I know about this stuff. Claw hammer and a saw, and get me the fuck down, Peter.
by Smurph, 3-18-06

 

by Smurph
3-24-06
Haha! Prepare to die, thing that weighs much less than me!
Nice and easy. I love this bit: experience points and items, please!
You obtained: 17 EXP. And a tractor.
Wha?!

 

by Smurph
3-27-06
One day at the Kasbah...
So I says, "Those turbans ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Smurph
5-09-06
Sony Press Conference
Haha! And yea, apocalypse draws ever nearer, puny people!
Yes, you already told us the PS3 would be $600. Is there any good games on it though?
Haha! Ha. Haaa... No.

 

by Smurph
5-09-06
Microsoft Press Conference...
And I proudly announce... Halo 3! The earth has been invaded! You will shoot things! And now: Triple wielding!
May I be the first to shout 'w00t' and punch the air?
No you may not. You know it'll be generic shite anyway, we could sell a circular flattened poo if it had Halo printed on it.
Aww...

 

by Smurph
5-09-06
Wii? WII? Are you fucking kidding? A million gamers, going into a shop and asking for a wii? It writes itself!
Mmm-hmm.
Oops.

 

by Smurph
5-10-06
Hey darlin, I brought you a present. Its a pet cat.
Oh, that's so sweet!
Yeah... Yeah... Listen, don't open the box, else it was your fault.

 

by Smurph
5-10-06
Hey buddy, I got that guitar tab you wanted. How come you started up again?
Well, I've been playing Guitar Hero recently, and I think I've trained my fingers better.
Now hold it up and run at me.

 

by Smurph
5-14-06
What the fuck are you doing?
Hmmmm...?
Umm, helllooo? Missing daughter? Ancient artifact? Legendary Hero? Time's a factor? Ring any bells?
Hmm? Oh, yeah, but its my day off. Armour's in the closet. I'll need triple time if you want me in today.

 

by Smurph
5-14-06
What the fuck are you doing?
Hmmmm...?
Umm, helllooo? Missing daughter? Ancient artifact? Legendary Hero? Time's a factor? Ring any bells?
Oh, yeah, but that was til this Kaenash thing broke on Stripcreator...

 

by Smurph
5-23-06
Yeah, so, Keidis? Flea? Fruciante? T'other one? We get that you like California.
Now fuck off.

Showing page 2.

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