All comics by Straightshooter

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by Straightshooter
6-07-06
Fireman, what happened?
'Nother cur accident, thurd today.
It looks like they hit a telephone pole.
Yep, thur was no way to avoid it.
This road is perfectly straight for five miles and they hit the pole on the OPPOSITE side of the road! What do you mean there was no way to avoid it?
Dem poles jump out atcha sometimes.

 

by Straightshooter
6-19-06
Greetings citizen, where's everyone going?
To the Super 8 to kill us a bodac!
What is a bodac?
Well, I don't rightly know. I heared it was a black, flyin' man.
Why do you want to kill it?
We ain't real keen on negros 'round here.

 

by Straightshooter
6-19-06
MY GOD! One of my own kind is here in Morehead!!
Hello FRIEND! I never thought I'd see someone from back home here in Morehead.
~WHOSSA * PISSA $@CHODAH+) BRUDAH~^
Figures, north shore.
%^MOSSAH "[NEEDAH LOBSTAH+ DUDAH:'

 

by Straightshooter
6-21-06
You can't blame this on Morehead...
Excuse me citizen, but where is everyone headed?
We goin' to de All Americun festivol at de Ramada Inn! Ke-mon let's go!
Is this the All-American festival?
Yezz, velcum.
I don't mean to offend you, but aren't you an Arab? Why would an Arab throw a festival for a country you are at war with?
Do you know of any odder kuntree dat gives low interest loans to us to buy up all de hotelz?

 

by Straightshooter
6-21-06
Uh, can I help you?
Sorry to interrupt your meal, but I was wondering if I could get a part on your sitcom "Morehead- Universally Rude"?
Did somebody put an ad in a newspaper? "Morehead- Universally Rude" is not a sitcom, it's real events from my life in Morehead, KY.
Yeah, I don't know if you recognize me but I'm the killer rabbit from "The Jeffersons" episode where Weezy thought she saw someone being murdered by a guy in a bunny suit on Halloween night.
Dude, only two people are gonna know that and we're the two!
When do I start?

 

by Straightshooter
6-21-06
Boy, do I need to just get away from these people and get some peace and quiet!
Ahhh, this is great! Maybe now I can stretch out and really relax.
Hey man, wunt sum weed?
Maybe I'll just hide in my closet...

 

by Straightshooter
12-06-07
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
Hmmm?
Do you realize we haven't been able to reach you for eighteen months??
Has it really been that long?
Yes! What have you been doing with your time??
Marking it basically.

 

by Straightshooter
12-06-07
I can tell you we are not pleased to hear that all you've been doing is marking time here.
Hey Buddy, what else am I supposed to do in Morehead?
"Hey Buddy"? Oh my, now you are beginning to sound like them.
Yep. Now whur I put dem biscuits and gravy?
This is unacceptable. I'm going to look in to having you recalled.
Uh-HUHH. Take care now ya hear?

 

by Straightshooter
12-06-07
I'm the D.A. I understand you asked to see me?
Yes, I figure I better turn myself in. I missed a court appearance about fifteen months ago.
What was it for?
Harassment, but I didn't do it.
Aw hell, no biggie. We just charge people with that to look like we're doing something.
Good to know.

 

by Straightshooter
12-16-07
Ok buddy, yer truck is good to GO!
Great! What was wrong with it?
Uhhh, not sure, but the total is $198.76.
Not sure? Are you even sure you fixed it?
What's the difference? If it don't work, bring it back.
Are you just looking for an excuse to be with my truck?

 

by Straightshooter
12-16-07
Boy, this has been a bastard of a month here!
No kidding! I wish I knew why it had to be this way.
Jesus, why is it so hard to live in Morehead?
My child, hard times are found everywhere. You simply must endure and you will overcome.
You don't spend alot of time here do you?
Not so much, no.

 

by Straightshooter
12-17-07
Ma I hep you?
Yes, I'd like the Sweet and Sour Pork please.
No pork, order something else!
No pork? Are you kidding?
No Pork! No order Pork! No Pork, no pork, no pork, no pork, NO PORK!
That's what I get for coming to a place called 'Hebrew Panda'.

 

by Straightshooter
2-11-08
Hail Citizen, what is going on here?
It's votin' time!
Ah yes, as I understand it, your nation's leader is chosen every fours years
Yep.
May I ask who you plan to cast your vote for fellow Morehead citizen?
Dubbya.

 

by Straightshooter
2-11-08
Dubbya? You mean George W Bush? I thought he couldn't serve another term?
He kant, but I'm still votin fer him as a thank yeww. He made me a lotta money!
But citizen, isn't the well being of your fellow man more important than money?
Hell no son! I gots me a fishin' boat and one of them big screen tee vees wit that money!
What about health care? Education? Social Security? The fact that there is a war going on? What about all that?
Dern, I'm missin' the Blue Collar Comedy Tour!

 

by Straightshooter
4-24-08
A Public Service Announcement
Haven't seen you in a while.
I've been working day and night gathering food in anticipation of world famine.
It's amazing that in the span of eight years, oil has gone up, food has gone up, while medical care and education has gotten worse.
No kidding. I only wish we knew who was responsible.
Yeah, it boggles the mind.
Yup.

 

by Straightshooter
4-24-08
YEW-S-A! YEW-S-A! YEW-S-A?
Hail citizen, what's going on?
That no good Bill Clinton is in Morehead today thinkin' he's gonna drum up some support fer his ol' lady.
And you are against that because?
Friend, yew otter know by now thuh last thang this kuntry needs is some bush in charge.
I wish you had said that eight years ago....

 

by Straightshooter
1-01-10
This is really awkward. If he catches you here, I'm dead...again.
I'm sorry, but I've been trying to get a hold of you for years now and you never return my messages.
I got them. I just don't know what you expect me to say?
You could tell me what I did for you to ignore me?
I'm really trying to get the negativity out of my life and I'm afraid I just can't listen to your problems anymore.
If you're not gonna do that, you might as well sit in some cubicle somewhere and...OHHHH

 

by Straightshooter
1-01-10
Well, I've taken alot of abuse over the centuries, I guess a little more can't kill kill me. What's your problem?
I've been in Morehead, KY for several years now and it seems my life is going nowhere. What would you suggest?
Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait.
I don't have your kind of time to wait. Morehead is a pit of despair and agony and that's its good points.
I've seen this alot from people there. I'm supposed to tell you to be patient, good things happen, blah, blah. But my advice is to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE STUPID!
Aren't you supposed to show me a path or something?

 

by Straightshooter
1-02-10
I've been thinking about what you said. You're right, I should show you a path to help you leave Morehead.
Ok, what is it?
No, you don't understand. I just came to tell you that I SHOULD show you a path, not that I would.
Anybody ever tell you you're a game player?
Sixty thousand times today already!

 

by Straightshooter
1-04-10
What have you been doing with your time?
Morehead has beaten me down. I've been despondent and have tried to turn to religious icon, Jesus Christ for help.
How's that workin' out for ya?
Not as well as I'd hoped. He's been elusive, not really giving much direction.
Well, you know, these things happen. I hope something will work out for you, you never can tell.
Yeah, just like that...

 

by Straightshooter
1-04-10
Look, why don't we cut the crap. No one is willing to help you but me.
And how would you do that?
The same way I've helped everyone in Morehead. I've given them incredible wealth, mind blowing sex and all the power they ever dreamed of.
Everyone here is poor and desperate. There's nothing here to have any power over!
Ohhh, this is Morehead, KY! I thought it was Morehead, MN. Sorry kid, you're on your own.
As always...

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
HEY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
?
I haven't heard from you in over a year!
I've been busy.
Doing what? Wallowing in your own self pity? Blaming the world for all your problems and becoming a total hermit in seclusion?
Think you're smart huh? You forgot WATCHING NETFLIX!

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
You know, we've gone through this a million times. We get it. Even the homeless guy that drools on his shoe outside the supermarket gets it! You're depressed.
Even him? Wow, I must be obvious.
The question is, what are you going to do about it?
What do people usually do when they are depressed?
To Be Continued
They sit around, eat too much and sleep all day.
Oh, so I'm doing everything right then.

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
Very funny. Seriously, if you don't change your ways, you'll be cancelled.
Cancelled?
Yeah, no more you, no more this, no more anything.
Ok, I'm not seeing the problem.
Is This The End?
You used to be fun. Look back at earlier seasons where you dealt with the local riffraff, the uber-Christians and Abe Vigoda!
But the riffraff is too riffraffy, the uber-Christians are too Christiany and Abe Vigoda is senile now.

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
Look, I know Morehead sucks, but you've got to believe things will get better. Let's start fresh. Say hi to this nice, old lady ahead.
Okay, I'll try again.
Hail citizen! Beautiful day isn't it?
RAPE! RAPE!! RAAAAAAPE!!!
Well, I didn't say things would get better right away.
Little asshole.

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
Diagnosis- Ignorant
So, like I said, I haven't been feeling very energetic lately.
Lose weight, feel great.
Yeahhh, weight isn't really the problem doctor. I think I'm depressed.
Eat less, cost less.
Doctor, I'm telling you it's my thoughts that are the problem, not my weight!
An empty stomach is its own reward.

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
You seem obsessed with weight being the key to happiness. You're a thin guy, are you happy?
Oh Jesus Christ no. I'll never get these loans paid off. My first and third wives are trying to get more money and I'm being sued for malpractice. I'm really feeling down.
Lose weight, feel great!
That's all you have to say? "Lose weight, feel great", really? That's what you say to someone complaining about depression???
Seems to be a disconnect here.
I'm so tired of these ignorant patients!

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
Hail citizen! Why is everyone so happy?
Didn't you hear? Morehead State beat Louisville in the NCAA Basketball Tournament!
That's right, it was a big upset. I bet you've waited a long time for Morehead State to do that, huh?
You bet buddy! YEE-HAW!
How long have you been a fan of the team?
Ever since they beat Louisville!

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
A Noose For Business...
Hi. Isn't this Rax Roast Beef?
Nerp. Nut anymore. We shut 'er down!
This is the second time Rax has failed in Morehead.
Don't fergit, we were unly open five munths.
If there were more businesses like yours, there'd be less businesses like yours.
That's nuthin'. I'm bringin' in a Jap Seafood place next!

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
Backwoods Engineerin'....
Well, I'll pass you, but it's not really clean enough to pass inspection.
What? I own nothing! I don't even use this room. How can it not pass inspection?
It's ok, but compared to some of the superior apartments in the complex, you just don't measure up.
'Superior'? This complex is full of addicts, whores and hillbillies!
You're looking at it the wrong way. It isn't that they are addicts, whores and hillbillies. It's that you're not. Understand?
No?

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
What you don't understand is that the best cleaners in Kentucky, are the worst people.
Explain this.
If someone is always coming around to bother them about their messy home, it interferes with addicts, whores and hillbillie's lives. So they work hard to clean up and be left alone.
So, as long as they keep a clean place, they can continue to bother everyone around them?
Right! Understand now?
Less every day.

 

by Straightshooter
4-02-11
The Walmart Odyssey...
God, I hate Walmart. does anyone really need a plastic, neon green, soup bowl?
I kind of like the hot pink omelette maker.
What's worse is these fucking people strolling around like it's Valentine's Day in Venice.
Will They Survive?
It's like a live action version of Resident Evil in here.

 

by Straightshooter
4-03-11
STILL in Walmart...
What took you so long at the Pharmacy?
The usual. Someone trying to get Oxycontin with a prescription written in crayon.
How did they expect to get away with that?
They told the pharmacist it was from a children's doctor.
That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Actually, it might have worked if they hadn't written, "Needs it real, real, baaad" in the prescription.

 

by Straightshooter
4-03-11
Finally, we're getting out of here! Seven hours of trailing behind turtle people in Walmart !
Next time we should use the motor scooters and run them over.
'Scuse me feller. I needs to see whut you git in yer bag.
What, do you think I stole something?
Nerp, they wouldn't gimmie me a raise, so I demanded I git to see whut pepul boughted hare.
Shrewd negotiator.

 

by Straightshooter
4-13-11
Hey feller! Help make Morehead a smoker's town again!
Aren't you smoking right now?
Yeahh, but outside. That's no fun. Can't have no gude time lessen I can smoke indoors.
But other people that don't smoke would be bothered by your smoking, wouldn't they?
Other people?
I should have known.

 

by Straightshooter
4-15-11
Hi there! We just wanted to see if you got our new neighborhood newsletter?
Yes, I read it.
We think our neighborhood is the best around!
The police have been called to this neighborhood ten times in the past three months!
That's why we're the best! The next closest only has seven!
It's good to be number one.

 

by Straightshooter
4-15-11
Let's see if anyone called....
BEEEP "Hey Randy, it's Jaime. I got sum pills sold if'n you'd call me back."
BEEEP "Hey Jaime, it's Randy. Lemme know which uns yew sold, awwright?"
How is this possible?
BEEEP "Hey Randy, it's Jaime. I sold three yellers, two blues and a red."

 

by Straightshooter
4-15-11
So, what's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing at all? Not one thing?
No.
Everytime I check in on you here in Morehead, you say there's nothing going on.
Getting the idea yet?

 

by Straightshooter
4-15-11
...so like, when I took B-12, it made me pee all the time and it was really yellow lookin' too.
I see
Ya and soo I had to stop because I thought everywhere I went, I'd end up peeing my pants and everyone would see how yellow it was..... So, is there anything else I can get you?
The check.
Already? You haven't eaten anything yet!
Lost my appetite somehow....

 

by Straightshooter
4-15-11
Jesus Christ!!!
Think higher.
This is unexpected.
You've been calling me for years.
To be continued...
You're a little slow in getting back to me.
It's been hell lately.

 

by Straightshooter
4-15-11
Cont....
Well, I had given up hope and your son was NO help at all!
He's a little particular about who he helps nowadays. You know, he's been burned before.
And what's with the clothes? You look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy's grandfather!
I don't concern myself with material possesions, only being here for my flock.
Now that you are here, maybe you can finally help me.
Ok, make it fast though. I have to be 75 million places in the next hour.

 

by Straightshooter
4-15-11
Why are we out here now? I don't need to be shown around, I MADE this place!
I want you to see what it has become.
I know, I know, Man's inhumanity to man, senseless behavior and violence, I heard the messages.
You heard, but do you care? If you did, you'd do something to help. Instead, you let people think they're being tested and the real reward lies in some imaginary utopia. You seem to be a fraud.
To be continued....
And you wonder why I don't return calls?

 

by Straightshooter
4-15-11
You realize that for talking to me in such a manner, I could make your life hell.
Yes, you could validate every person that warps your words and paints you as a vengeful, hateful, tyrannical being.
Well, I don't want that. You're ALL my children and I love you.
That message is getting lost on some because of places like this.
What do I do?
You're God. Don't you know?

 

by Straightshooter
4-20-11
Oh no! NOOO!! Do NOT tell me I DREAMED of meeting God! This CANNOT be!! I CANNOT accept this!!!!
I'VE SPENT YEARS IN MOREHEAD, WAITING FOR HIM TO APPEAR AND WHEN HE DOES, IT'S A FUCKIN' DREAM??!!!!!! I'M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!
*BURP* Sorry pal, had to hit the head. Boy, don't have the Double Quarter Pounder around here after10:00, huh?
I don't know if I should jump for joy or kick you in the nuts....

 

by Straightshooter
4-21-11
So, how did things go with God?
Not sure. I showed him around town and I made a plea for change.
How did it end?
He turned my bathroom into a toxic waste dump.
Maybe it's a message?
Yeah, shit happens.

 

by Straightshooter
4-21-11
Hey! Tell your friend I don't appreciate him bringing you know who to Morehead!!
What did you say???
You heard me. I'm in control here and I WILL NOT stand for anyone trying to change how people act in Morehead!!!!
GET OUT OF HERE!!!! GET OUT OR I WILL TEAR YOUR GOD DAMN HEAD OFF, UNDERSTAND!!! GET OUT NOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God Damn, these people are so touchy....
NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by Straightshooter
4-25-11
There you are. Heard about your little conversation with HIM! Expect punishment!
And I suppose that gang of militant weirdos out there that have been knocking and trying to get in all day are part of your punishment, right?
Them?? Nooooo. Those are Mormons and Jehovah's out there. I'm not crazy enough to associate with those people!
What?
Are you SURE they aren't with you????

 

by Straightshooter
4-26-11
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Ugh, that lard ass neighbor has got his base cranked up again. I can't take this, I have to get out of here!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
How can I be five miles away and it now be LOUDER????

 

by Straightshooter
4-26-11
MOREHEAD logic...
Is there something that can be done about the neighbor in the complex that blares his radio after 5 every day?
Well, if it's after 5, no I can't.
Why not? Doesn't the lease say something about not disturbing other neighbors?
Sure, but I leave at 4:30. Is he doing it before then?
No, but what's the difference? Just tell him to quiet down while you're here.
But he isn't making noise then.

 

by Straightshooter
5-01-11
Hi, how are you?
Who's there?
I'm your new neighbor. I was just sitting in my bathroom and heard you come in, so I thought I'd say hello.
I know the bathrooms at this complex are built next to each other and we can hear everything, but the previous neighbor and I had an agreement not to recognize one another when we were in here.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll just talk to the guy on the other side from now on.
And I'll pretend I can't hear you....

Showing page 2.

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