All comics by Twanzilla

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by Twanzilla
8-28-09
Bro, this isn't going well.
Of course it is, Twan.
Seriously, I just know it. She's in the bathroom with Abbie right now, just laughing at me.
I don't know about that. Now let's have another drink.
...and I mean, he hasn't even tried to feel me up or anything! Are you sure he's even interested?
Think about why he hasn't gotten out of his chair yet...

 

by Twanzilla
8-28-09
Okay, girl, out with it. Do you like me or not?
Well...
I hope so, because I like you and you're so damn beautiful it makes me want to start writing bad poetry.
Here's how I feel...
No, JB! No beating the waiter with the champagne bottle!
Actually, I like you a lot...but you probably just want sex.

 

by Twanzilla
8-28-09
Well, we had a good night.
Yeah, of course.
Turn to the side, please...
By the way, the next time you want to speed, try not being 5 times the legal limit.
We might have gotten out of this if you hadn't offered the trooper the bottle. A half-empty bottle of SoCo, at that!

 

by Twanzilla
8-28-09
Hey, you ever wonder what it would be like to have a threesome?
Yeah.
I wasn't asking, I was bragging that I'm going to one and you're not.
Who do you think set it up for you, moron?

 

by Twanzilla
8-28-09
So, let me hear it again.
Sure.
You go to the door, you knock, you tell Ruben that Connie called you earlier, wanting a threesome.
Cool.
Unfortunately, Ruben's not part of that threesome. But the medical bills I'll have to pay for Josh will be well worth it.

 

by Twanzilla
8-28-09
So, listen, Amy, you have to take the morning-after pill immediately...
Never mind that, Drew, let me explain about traffic tickets in Burbank.
Goddamnit, Adam, don't you care about anyone but yourself?
Is that a trick question, Drew?
Look, Adam, why don't you just not drive through Burbank?
Because listening to you help callers bores me to fucking tears, Drew.

 

by Twanzilla
8-28-09
Adam, listen, something's gotta be done.
About what?
I got a ticket.
You got a ticket? Why does this mean more than when I get a ticket?
Because I have a master's degree in addiction medicine on my wall and you have a picture of Minka on yours.
Drew, do you ever get tired of being wrong? It's not Minka, it's Kayla Kupkakes.

 

by Twanzilla
9-08-09
Hey, Josh, what's up?
Allen. He really screwed up now.
*sigh* Okay, what did Allen do now?
Well, you know how Allen keeps buying stuff for his "girlfriends"?
Yeah...what about it?
Well, the good news is, Allen managed to impress Kristen. The bad news is, he's the guy who bought Michael Jackson's body. The worst news is, it's on your bed.

 

by Twanzilla
9-08-09
Ugh, fucking blind dates.
What?
Well, Kristen was busy, so she gave me permission to see if I could get laid. So I read some personal ads and ran across this one girl who said she looked like a famous video game character.
So, what's wrong with that?
The way she said it, I expected Lara Croft. Instead, I got Nemesis from Resident Evil.
Yet you still tried to hit it, didn't you?

 

by Twanzilla
9-08-09
So, Adam, how're things going with Lynette?
Who cares, Drew? My twins, on the other hand, are fantastic.
I never thought this day would come.
What, that I'd actually like children?
No, that it would be legal for YOU to have any.
Shut up, Drew.

 

by Twanzilla
9-08-09
So, Bruce, what's your advice to our caller.
Bruce?
..I've had anal sex, it hurt really bad, I passed out a couple times...
Bruce, please, not on the air...

 

by Twanzilla
9-08-09
Hey, did you hear what happened?
What?
Some of the guys got filthy rich today.
Really? How'd they do that?
They grabbed him by the drinking fountain.
Calvin and Hobbes, Twan? Really?

 

by Twanzilla
9-08-09
Things went so well there might even be a second date.
Hmmmm...
What?
How do I put this delicately...
I'm wondering how you can have a second date with your right hand.
Okay, that was not neccessary.

 

by Twanzilla
9-08-09
11:15
So I said to Danny...
1:15
I'll have a shot of Southern Comfort, a Blue Motherfucker, a VKM, a Mind Eraser...
Yep, like clockwork.
Shudda fuc up.

 

by Twanzilla
9-12-09
So it turns out that Allen got into trouble.
How so?
Well, he was talking one of his girls and she invited him to her place. Unfortunately, her new ex-boyfriend put in an appearance.
Oooh.
Gave new meaning to the term "Hands to the face."
So, would that mean the guy was guilty of "pass interference"?

 

by Twanzilla
9-12-09
Hey, Allen, how are you feeling?
How am I feeling?
I'm getting as bad as Twan. All I do is either not get laid or get beaten up. Where's the fun I was promised, man?
You were promised fun?
This place is usually about as fun as a gumjob from that old guy over there in the corner.
Hey, you got it from him too?

 

by Twanzilla
9-12-09
Hey, Twan, where ya goin?
Out with Lexi.
Spit it out, fucker.
I'm just surprised you found the one person in the world who can look past the fact that that's the only shirt you ever wear.

 

by Twanzilla
9-12-09
Alright, Josh, I'm going out the door. What are the rules?
Allen is in charge. No phone calls outside of the state.
And?
No inviting anyone over before 11PM.
And?
No cum shots on your pillow. Jesus, Antwan, it only happened four times.

 

by Twanzilla
9-12-09
I consider Josh my Ralph Ciferetto.
Why, because he's annoying?
That, and he keeps trying to fuck my brother, and one day I'm going to beat him to death and make him disappear...That was a joke, dear.
With you, I'm never sure.

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
Well, I'm back...What happened?
Josh?
I never realized what a funny-shaped head you really had.
Stay in school and off drugs, kids. Otherwise, you can end up like Josh is about to...in pain.

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
So you know what happened, right?
Yeah, I heard you had an attack of the limp dick.
No, shithead, that's not what I meant.
Hey, they have pills for that now.
How many kittens did I eat in a past life to deserve this?
I mean, plenty of guys can't get it up. Of course, they're known as bottoms...

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
So I'm going out with Nathan tonight.
Nathan? Isn't he the jewish guy who pretends he's straight?
Yeah, I know, but every once in awhile I get him to admit he likes guys.
Really? When's this?
About the same time he has his ass in my face.
Josh, you've invaded more closets than Carson Kressley.

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
Look, Josh, it's like this, man.
I'm listening.
You have to stop trying to convert straight men.
Why?
Because WE can't reproduce. Girls are yucky.
Unless they have penises, right?

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
Look, Josh, it's like this, man.
I'm listening
You have to stop trying to convert straight men.
Why?
Hold on, didn't we do this in the last strip?
Don't ask me, Twan writes this bullshit.

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
There's more to life than fucking straight men, Josh. And the majority of them aren't even straight.
Oh, Allen, stop it.
What about that last guy that I brought home?
You mean the one with the eye shadow and the extremely thick lisp who eyed Twan up and down and asked to see his dick?
He was straight, Allen, he told me so. Told me he was in love with this girl named "Liza"

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
So, tell me, what's the obsession, man?
Come on, you know what it is.
I want a real man, you know? One that doesn't care about people, one that doesn't give me a lot of bullshit about sex on the first date, one that eats what he wants and doesn't worry about calories.
Are we talking about Twan when he's drunk?
No, Twan just turns into a bigger dipshit when he's drunk.

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
Babe, as much as I enjoy making out with you, I'm worried about Josh and Allen.
Ugh...Don't stop.
I know, I'll call Markovitch. Maybe he'll know what's going on.
Shit...you know how helpful he is.
NO, GODDAMNIT, THEY AIN'T HERE! NOW GET THE FUCK OFF THE PHONE SO I CAN HELP TAXPAYERS OR I'LL COME DOWN THERE AND SHOVE THIS NIGHTSTICK IN YOUR DICKHOLE!

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
Welcome to...Oh, christ, woman, what do you want now?
You've been a thorn in my ass for years, JB.
But I could have sworn it was bigger than a thorn.
Don't flatter yourself.

 

by Twanzilla
9-14-09
What about Bruce? Bruce is straight!
Josh, there has never been a straight guy named Bruce in existence.
Sorry about that, Mr.Smith.
Owwwwww.

 

by Twanzilla
9-15-09
You know what the greatest thing in the history of the world is?
A Gia Darling cumshot.
Remember that obsession thing I was talking about?

 

by Twanzilla
9-21-09
Twan, we're going to cure you of this obsession.
I don't want to be cured.
Well, you're going to be.
Give me one good reason why.
Because if you don't, I'll call Geovana and tell her you're wearing her panties.
That was Josh!

 

by Twanzilla
9-21-09
Look, you can't do this. You're getting out of control.
I'm never out of control.
Is that right? So all these things about you wanting to suck girl cock, none of it ever happened?
That isn't being out of control, that's realizing special girls are better than ordinary ones.
In a minute, I'm going to hit you in the head with the sign as a message from The Man.
That's going to change what, killjoy?

 

by Twanzilla
9-21-09
Snake, man, you just don't get it.
What's there to get?
Man, have you ever dated any of these girls? They're beautiful, man, it's like eating the most wonderful grapes ever planted.
You're out of your mind. I wonder sometimes if you aren't on drugs.
How come you're always such a damn downer, man?
Because I'M normal.

 

by Twanzilla
9-21-09
Pussy. Women have pussies.
They also have that time of the month.
You're such a fucking loser.
Women are awesome, as long as they have cocks. That's all I'm sayin'

 

by Twanzilla
9-21-09
Take Alannah Starr, Gia Darling, etc...bodies built for sin, absolutely wonderful boobies, pillowy asses...
And big dicks, which makes them dudes.
Hell, what about Cherokee?
Hey, she's a man too.
No, Snake, she isn't.
Oh, you dickhead, you tricked me!

 

by Twanzilla
9-21-09
My name is Twan, and I'm a pornaholic.
HI, TWAN.
Fuck ya'll, I'm bragging.

 

by Twanzilla
10-01-09
Man, I'm tired.
Of what?
Nothing, fucker, I'm just tired.
But you're not saying of what.
You know, I hate you with a passion.
By now, you should know better than to make open-ended statements.

 

by Twanzilla
10-01-09
You know, I hate you with a passion.
By now, you should know better than to make open-ended statements.
By now, you should know better than to be open-ended.

 

by Twanzilla
10-01-09
Hey, JB.
Hey.
What's up?
Nothin.
Look, why won't you talk?
Because I'm thinking about beating off, and you're in here with me. GTFO.

 

by Twanzilla
10-01-09
Drew and I have a great relationship.
He cares about the callers, he's a board-certified physician and an addiction-medicine specialist. What do I do?
Mostly I work hard at ruining his career.

 

by Twanzilla
5-24-12
Character introduction.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Twan. I'm the main character, and I live with three buffoons
I'm Josh, I'm Twan's roommate and running buddy, and I'm sexually confused
I'm Allen, and I'm an odd duck.
I'm JB, I'm a southern boy, and I'm real good with the ladies.
I'm Tasha, the cute blonde girl.
I'm Snake. I hate all these stupid lifeless motherfuckers.

 

by Twanzilla
5-24-12
A couple days ago I was in the supermarket and saw this really cute guy. I asked him was he free to go on a date.
This is when he lifted his leg and showed me his ankle monitor.

 

by Twanzilla
5-24-12
I warned you what was going to happen.
Yeah.
I said "Don't say anything you're not supposed to."
Yeah.
Which of course, is immediately when you start telling him about the wonderful laxative you've been using lately.
Yeah.

 

by Twanzilla
5-24-12
It's funny, you know.
What?
We've grown up in the past three or so years.
Maturity has it's uses when we don't think only about our cocks.
Take a look at the background...
Heh...you said "cock"
Stop it.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
You're what??
I'm moving.
Why?
I got a job offer.
Well, that's good. What's the job?
Grand Wizard of the KKK.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
I sure am gonna miss you, man.
Well, it's not like I'm moving to Canada or something. We're still friends and all that.
Cool.
So when can I visit?
Never.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
Heard you need a roommate.
Yeah, John moved out.
Any reason why?
Eh, he said he was getting bored with living with us.
And the fact that you're all nerds.
You see me denying it?

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
No, Tim, you can't move in with us.
Why not?
Because I like not living in a maximum-security prison.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
We have to think about what we're doing here. We can't make the rent without JB.
We've got plenty of money.
Not really, JB was making more than the rest of us were.
Why does that matter?
Because he was also the only one of us who could cook.
Speed-dial, Learn it, love it.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
We've still got to figure out how we're going to make more money.
And we're not hiring Josh out as a male prostitute. You make that suggestion every time.
But it could work!
For who? Your pimp hand is weaker than the Tea Party's reason for existing.
So are your writing skills.

Showing page 2.

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