All comics by balls

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by balls
5-22-10

 

by balls
5-22-10
LET'S TEAR THIS SHIT UP JESUS
okay T-Trex
let there be light
LET THERE BE PUSSY
that only works for me

 

by balls
5-22-10
let there be pussy
yikes... let there be dark
let there be anal
no

 

by balls
5-22-10
an angel walks into a bar. he orders an appletini
he gets brought a Cosmopolitan. he corrects the waitress. asks for his appletini. she apologizes. brings him a harvey wallbanger
the angel sword rapes her. sends her to that special niche of hell. the one dedicated to people with name tags. in 30 seconds. unless there's an appletini in his hand
okay, got it! can or bottle?

 

by balls
5-22-10
excellent, a squirrel! just what i need to finish my mad plan!
could you hand me my pencil? i dropped it just right behind you there
just right behind you

 

by balls
5-22-10
just right behind you
right there
behind you

 

by balls
5-22-10
just right there
behind you

 

by balls
5-22-10
on the ground

 

by balls
5-22-10

 

by balls
5-22-10
pencil

 

by balls
5-22-10
FOILED!
thank you squirrel
you can pick up your meritorious citizen award right there behind you on the ground

 

by balls
5-22-10

 

by balls
6-19-10
i don't care what you say, i think he's up to no good
look at him just standing there with those sharp thingees and those beady little eyes and that evil smirk
scares the shit out of me
it's a squirrel, Rodney. get over it

 

by balls
6-19-10
i would like some more Vienna sweet meat
i have a bow and arrow
and would like some more Vienna sweet meat

 

by balls
6-19-10
so, you gonna put out now?
i just did!
no, it's not putting out if it isn't consensual. it's just me putting in. we're gonna have to go again
AGAIN?? wait... it was kinda consensual since i cried "PLEASE GOD STOP" and like 45 50 minutes later you totally did
shh, my little peach fuzz. drop those manties and let's give our grandkids something to talk about

 

by balls
6-19-10
so, wait, you want to reenact the love scene from Knight and Day
yes, but instead of my cock, i'm going to use this sword, and instead of your vagina, i'm going to use your thorax
i don't have a vagina
but you do have a thorax?
damn

 

by balls
6-19-10
he got to cut me open and do surgery. sure he saved my life, but it felt like he had one up on me.
so this is what i did to him
please stop vomiting principal jones, this is my art

 

by balls
6-19-10
stop blowing cigarette smoke, you're gonna be the death of me
we're extinct, you douche
oh yeah

 

by balls
6-19-10
happy happy
wtf?
what the fuck are you doing here, you don't have a soul
and then he said i don't have a soul
i meant to tell you

 

by balls
6-19-10
so then he said, let's go down to Dirty South. i thought it was a club but he really meant...
anal sex
how'd you know that?
he tricked me too
fucking grandad

 

by balls
6-19-10
why do you wear that laurel crown wherever we go?
because i'm the the motherfucking emperor, baby!
but we're just walking to the supply closet
motherfucking emperor!
we're going for like 2 pens and a
EMPEROR!!!!

 

by balls
6-19-10
WAAAHHHH
stop crying, Suzy. yes, i'm the ghost of future you, but you don't have to turn into a dirty vaginal lice ridden donkey pleasurer. the future is not set
*sniff* what can i do?? *sniff*
you can change your life now, before it's too late
by bringing me your parents' jewelery

 

by balls
6-19-10
yeah, that's it. right there
IN THE SNOW BABY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING SNOW

 

by balls
6-19-10
your hair's the same color as the smiley face on my shirt
yeah
we're the same, you and me
okay
let's go down to Dirty South
cool, there a cover charge?

 

by balls
6-19-10
what's going on here?
it's Ramirez, sir. he's flipped out and locked himself in the bathroom with the Show Me on the Doll
Ramirez, this is the chief! open the door this instant!
don't worry, Jennifer, i won't let the bad men hurt you. i'll protect the SHIT out of you. but first i need to know - have you ever been down to the Dirty South

 

by balls
6-19-10
for our next act, i'm going to deftly juggle 7 of this chicken's fertilized eggs
they're not fertilized
okay, slight change of plans.

 

by balls
6-26-10
i've seen things on this Love Boat that no one should ever have to see. emergency c-sections
gopher in a speedo
and now this
you rape that bitch, Isaac. you rape that bitch

 

by balls
6-26-10
you know how jesus died on the cross for our sins?
so they say
i'm balancing this lamp on my head for your parking tickets
awesome, let's Waffle House

 

by balls
6-26-10
they ask me why i watch tv outside
because out here i get more snow!
and then he shot himself in the face
I HATE YOUR BEDTIME STORIES

 

by balls
6-26-10
this donkey vacuum never works right
maybe because it's not a real vacuum, just a donkey i butchered in half for a 4 day satanic rite
either that or the cord

 

by balls
6-26-10
i always feel like that chair's judging me. i can barely make myself face it
so not worth it

 

by balls
6-26-10
if i turn around, will there be some sadistic bunny killer behind me?
oh, it's just you, Joe.
RAPE

 

by balls
6-26-10
this girl is mma'ing with that toilet
i don't even care who wins
FOR I AM ROCKING THE BONER

 

by balls
6-26-10
great wallpaper, gramma
RAPE

 

by balls
6-26-10
what's a little squirrel like you doing in a big city like this?
are you coming onto me?
no, you just really are a little squirrel and this really is a big city
want to convulse and die up my taint?
EVERY TIME!

 

by balls
6-26-10
fuck, who peeled the elephant??

 

by balls
6-26-10
get in there
get in there, crapfuck
why?
because you peeled the elephant
RAPE

 

by balls
6-26-10
so then he made him get in the box because he peeled the elephant
i see...
let's go down to Dirty South
there a cover charge?
RAPE

 

by balls
6-26-10
!!!RAPE!!!
!!!PEEL THE ELEPHANT!!!
!!!DIRTY SOUTH!!!
???COVER CHARGE???
I HATE YOUR BEDTIME STORIES

 

by balls
7-01-10
Kirk to Spock. i've beamed down to an unknown location. there doesn't seem to be any intelligent life down here. just somebody pretending to be a ghost
and a douche

 

by balls
7-01-10
i think people should start referring to the New Jersey Nets as the New Jersey Nyets. you know... because that Russian guy bought them
i want my mommy!
SHUT UP BITCH!!

 

by balls
7-03-10
standing here in this library brings back a lot of memories
like of standing in your hallway stabbing you, then standing over your corpse laughing, then standing on your grave pissing asparagus
i'm not dead yet
i'm from the future. a better place where women love aparagus and urinate standing up
sounds like Newark

 

by balls
7-03-10
what are you doing?
showing you what you did to those poor altar boys. this finger here represents your penis and this hole i'm making in my other hand represents their tiny rabbit nostril anus
and what you did was...
yes, yes, i get it.
bear with me, preacher. 4 or 500 more and we'll be through June '92

 

by balls
7-03-10
what can i get you?
uh... it's kind of embarrassing
just say it
chicken
DICK!

 

by balls
7-03-10
what are you doing?
getting ready for the 4th
of July?
haha! no! not the 4th of July! for the 4th of...
July

 

by balls
7-03-10
let's role play that you're the perfect man and have a 14 inch marble headed cock
i can't really "role play" a longer penis
then let's role play that you go get the guy with the biggest cock you've ever seen at the gym, and bring him back here
and then what?
and then you leave and come back in 6 hours and i'll let you drink what's left inside me
DEAL!

 

by balls
7-10-10
is you a white squeeearl ors a black squeeearl
*chitter*
MEXARCAN!

 

by balls
7-10-10
sooo weak. sooo dehydrated. can't go on
i know, Kathy. i know. but you're almost there. don't give up
just eat a couple more gallons of sand and the cactus god will save you from the sun demon
you're a hallucination, aren't you?
this isn't about me, Kathy. this is about the sand. and the eating.

 

by balls
7-10-10
what should i wear to Shelly's party, fuman chu Roach?
this isn't a fuman chu, they're my palpus
your what?
my palpus. i use them to feed
you're dead to me
LOOK ME IN THE PALPUS AND SAY THAT

 

by balls
7-10-10
what should i wear to Shelly's party, fuman jew?
this isn't a fuman chu, it's a van dyke
a what?
a van dyke
what should i wear to Shelly's party, van kike?
i'm presbyterian

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