All comics by coathangerabortion

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o/ another niight in bed with my boner ooh ooh yeah talkin bout them bed boner blues o/
what song is that
vicarious by tool
is that on toxicity or follow the leader
dude leave im recording

 

o/ yeaaah nooo reeeehaaab don't wanna go back there and be rehabitated o/
wake up wake up wake up wake up
im wide awake man i was just singing the hits like five seconds ago
oh my bad i thought you were touching yourself
i was
dont be stupid its one or the other

 

o/ man on the mooon dontcha get tired up thar in spaaaace oooo ooo floatin around like gravity pulling a superserious oooo o/
hey get out these are my private quarters
holy cow michael stipe i've never seen you without your sunglasses whered they go
im glad you asked old boy you see my sunglasses are much like an old mans dentures i must put them in a glass of warm water at my bedside every night or they grow coarse and brittle
fantastic

 

i can see the top of your tie and the bottom but not the middle
yeah what about it
what are you trying to hide man whats there to be ashamed of
shut up its embarrassing
youre embarrassing you facial
dont call me a facial you're the only facial here

 

that one looks like a racecar
youre absolutely correct and that one looks like a pig on a leash
i concur i concur
which cloud should we look at next theres so many im having a hard time deciding
your hobby should never feel like a job maybe we should do something else for a while
great idea

 

well doc what's the prognosis
i'm hard
um what
what can i say, dead people make me hard, its a talent i have
guess i was just born with this kind of skill

 

sup dawg can you spare a dime
no
can you get my mom pregnant then cuz i want a little brother maybe
ill think about it
aw maaaaaan
i didnt say no i said i'd think about it

 

WARK WARK I'M GONNA HAVE SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER
WARK WARK AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTORS AWAY
WARK WARK VANISHING ACT

 

okay kids now what have we learned in class today
nothing
wrong we learned our multiplication tables
psh speak for yourself faggot

 

sup bitch where the fuck are my presents
uh what are you talking about santa
presents man presents its christmas isnt it? give em to me
uh but santa i thought these presents were supposed to go to children
fuck that i want them all

 

GEARS 2 GEARS 2
dude get a hold of yourself this planes goin down
ITS OUT MAN ITS OUT GEARS 2 IS OUT FUCKS YEAAHAHAHHH
come on man youre the only one here who knows how to fly a plane
BRO IM GONNA BE PLAYING GEARS ALLLLLLLLLL FUCKING WEEKEND
at least tell me where you hid the parachutes

 

no sign of the perp
thanks i'll take it from here
oh yeah? and just who might you be
alan perry, private investigator. as of today this case is mine. now sergeant, if you'd kindly get your men out of my crime scene?
let me guess youve never sank it

 

before i let you leave im going to have to ask you some questions about the discovery of the body
okay
do girls pee out of the same hole you stick your dick in, or do they have a separate one for that?
take your time, i'm sure this has been a traumatic experience for you

 

okay ma'am tell me about your roommate. is there anything you can think of that would make someone want to kill her? any suspicious people?
come to think of it, she had a big fight with her boyfriend last week. she told him she was pregnant and he wasn't too pleased.
i see... and about your vagina. is it true that the clitoris is located on the outside of the body? my brother said it is but i think he's full of shit
ma'am, witholding evidence from a federal investigation is a serious offense

 

given the condition of the corpse, the cause of death is impossible to determine
what about suspects? have you found anything that could give us a lead?
the fire seems to have destroyed all the evidence. this guy knew what he was doing
hmm interesting. and in your professional opinion does hot apple pie feel like pussy? i jerked off with a slice the other day and i thought i'd ask a medical expert
um... probably not
i don't take no for an answer, dammit! get someone on this, i want this sicko behind bars!

 

nice tie jackass whered you get it a hobos ass
not telling
like fucking hell youre not telling im not afraid to waterboard you if you get out of line
like i care waterboardings not even real torture ripping out a mans eyeballs now thats torture
that kind of elitist attitude will only get you into trouble

 

*click* hey man its craig hows london
not half bad hows grandfather clock land
pretty gay
yeah londons kind of gay too i was lying before
so you wanna get something to eat
i couldnt possibly im quite stuffed

 

well chef im done butchering the cow
put up a fight did he?
yeah it was wack i had to pinch myself to make sure it wasnt a dream
wow thats really chilling
thats what your mom said when she was sucking my ice boner last night
damn dude i walked right into that one

 

well we finally tracked down the perp, we had so much evidence on him there was no way he was getting out with less than 30 years. i was called forth to testify
mr. perry, are you of the opinion that the defendant commited this crime
unquestionably
i see, that's very interesting. and mr. perry, please describe to me what pussy feels like
well uh er it its kinda like... it's like a vacuum cleaner but sorta softer? and there's a ridge
and so the perp walked. to this day i regret it
your honor, i rest my case.

 

greetings friend
wow its john popper of blues traveler what brings you out here
funny you should ask i have a great poppertunity for you
very well lets hear it
i want to be a prince and you want to be in blues traveler, i know from reading your diary. what say we switch places
gasp! i give that idea an a+

 

hey douche
hey birds what do you think of my invisible car
pretty gay if you ask me
aw man which one of you said that
the one on the right but its an opinion we all share
honk honk that was the horn

 

god fucking leave already
by the way i just got back from wife beaters anonymous, they say im making real progress
wow fascinating not
isnt it though? its been a whole week since my last wife beat, i'm so proud of myself
wow a whole week! treat yourself, one more time couldn't hurt
you know, you're right! i deserve a reward!

 

the next day
oh god not this fag again
honk honk! hey guys whats going on
not much jackass did you beat your wife like we told you to?
sure did! boy did it feel great! thanks to you guys i'm officially off the wagon!
thats good to hear
when i broke her jaw my dick got hard

 

hey dude are you only friends with me because im old enough to buy beer
hmm that is a most interesting question i will need to retreat to my laboratory for this one
hmm all tests prove inconclusive science has failed me perhaps religion has the answers i seek
no enlightenment here either! when science and religion fail then what is left? fascinating truly fascinating

 

hey bud how ya feeling
not bad and you
i feel damn good any questions
yeah whore i have one, what are you going to do about this huge boner you caused
absolutely nothing
thats cool i can manage

 

if april from tmnt came up to you and wanted to do it would you do it
no i mean yes
the fuck
i i didn't mean
no dude fuck you theres no taking it back now

 

man im sick and tired of punchin the clock every day
why dont you start your own business then you can be your own boss make your own hours etc
i dont want to deal with all the red tape
so then kill yourself what the fuck man do i have to spell it out for you
no no that wont be necessary hahaha oh boy
im fucking bald

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