All comics by coinilius

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by coinilius
1-30-03
...And so that's how I saved Christmas from the disembodied head of Ellen Degeneres!
Wow, what a great story...
Oh yeah...
...But what I asked you was what'd you do with the car keys!?

 

by coinilius
1-30-03
Hey, I just had a great idea... let's film ourselves doing stupid things and send it in to that TV show! What do you think?
Jackass!
Fine, if you don't like the idea, you didn't have to insult me!
No, the TV show is CALLED Jackass!
Oh, well that's alright then!
Jack ass.

 

by coinilius
1-30-03
What are you doing?
We're filming ourselves doing stupid things so that we can send it in to Jackass so that we can be on TV!
But... you already HAVE a TV show where you film youselves doing stupid things!
Who died and made YOU the continuity police?

 

by coinilius
2-02-03
The girls right... it IS pretty stupid if we send in tapes of us doing dangerous things to Jackass...
Yeah...
I mean, if you think about it, that is a pretty dumb way to make money!
Yeah...
So... Insurance scams?
Yeah!

 

by coinilius
3-02-03
La la la... making snow men is so much fun!
And so easy to, when you have the right equipment...
I can't feel my fingers anymore...
Pipe down or you'll be joing the other clowns in the backyard.

 

by coinilius
8-28-03
Yes? Can I help you?
Er, yeah... I don't have a reservation, but I was hoping you could still find me something.
Ahh yes, that should be no problem. Follow me please and I'll get you seated right away...
Wow, thanks! And everyone said this place had a reputation for being mean to people who didn't call ahead...
A waiter will be along momentarily to PECK YOUR FACE OF YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SCUM!
I still get a customary after-diner mint though, right?

 

by coinilius
8-28-03
I trust everything was to sir's satisfaction?
Oh yes... I've had my face pecked of by the best of them, but you fine establishment definately takes the number one spot!
Excellent. Then that just leaves us with the small matter of the bill...
KAHNNN!!!!!
Don't make me peck out your intestines as well, sir...

 

by coinilius
11-13-05
Hey, remember when we were living under the ocean!
yeah, those sure were great times!
True...
Except, y'know, for the whole drowining part.

 

by coinilius
11-13-05
How're things going with the new girlfriend?
Alright... except she can be really demanding sometimes, and I don't know what to do about it...
Don't sweet it man... chicks are always getting like that. Just giver her what she wants, it'll be turn out fine...
You think so?
Are the orphans supposed to scream so much when you eat them?
Just shut up and FEED ME! FEED ME!

 

by coinilius
11-13-05
Stand back! Your girlfriend is a monster that must be destroyed! WITH FIRE! And beatings. But mostly FIRE!
So, you've worked out she's really a mutant plant from outer space that's been ordering me to kill orphans to saite her unnatural hunger for human flesh?
Hey, so long as I get to burn things, she can be whatever you want her to be!

 

by coinilius
11-13-05
Well, it's over... my girlfriend was a man-eating plant that needed to be destroyed through purifying fire...
Yeah...
Just like all the others...
Yeah...

 

by coinilius
11-13-05
You know what you need to do, bro? You need to forget about Audrey and get back out on the dating scene!
You're got a point...
You know what they say, there's plenty more fish in the sea! You just have to get back up on that horse and go for it!
But isn't beastiality, y'know, illegal?
I didn't mean that literally... but hey, if that's what floats your boat...

 

by coinilius
11-13-05
So, you want to come back to my place?
Oh, I'd love to, but... ah... I have Lupus.
I must return home before the Wolfsbane blooms.
That's lychanthropy.
Whatever. I'm still leaving.

 

by coinilius
11-15-05
So then she pretended to be a werwolf and left.
You're better off without her... it sounds to me like she was a dog anyway!
Ha ha ha ha... yeah...
She mauled a waiter on the way out. It took three state troopers and a silver bullet blessed by a hungarian priest by the light of a full moon to take her down.
Exactly, pathetic.

 

by coinilius
11-15-05
I'm coming, I'm coming...
Knock Knock
Boy, Christmas isn't just coming earlier every year, it's also getting more proactive.

 

by coinilius
11-15-05
So it was just sitting there on the doorstep all by it's self?
Yep.
I don't know about this... it seems pretty strange...
Oh come on, it's just a tree! How could bringing it inside possibly cause any trouble?
Just shut up and FEED ME! FEED ME!
Is Santa supposed to scream so much when you eat him?

 

by coinilius
11-15-05
My Mumma always said 'Life is like a box of chocolates...'
She died of a heart attack, a morbidly obese shut-in at the age of 35.
The fat bitch really liked her chocolates.

 

by coinilius
11-15-05
Hey man, how'd that blind date go last night?
Not very good...
We just didn't hit it off, y'know? She just wasn't feeling the chemistry...
So... looking for someone with no sense of sight OR smell next time?
Bingo.

 

by coinilius
11-15-05
Still no luck?
No! Now sight, smell and hearing are ruled out!
At this rate, I'll be looking for a woman whose nothing more than a comatose torso!
Man... I hope he doesn't look in my closet...

 

by coinilius
11-15-05
Tell me... why'd you ask me in here to watch this again?

 

by coinilius
11-16-05
Shh, be vewwy, vewwy quiet...
I'm hunting Wabbits!
And the 'wabbits' are hunting you...

 

by coinilius
11-16-05
And then the rabid kitten went on to eat busload of special school children.
And in other news... Jesus Christ has attacked the city, leaving downtown a smoking crater.
'Jesus Christ - Super Villain!'
Arghh!
Ha ha ha ha!

 

by coinilius
11-16-05
Oh no, Jesus is here to kill us all!
No, don't be afraid - that's not me out there causing destruction, it's an imposter!
Really, then who is it?
My evil twin... Larry Christ!
'Larry Christ - Super Villain'
Why... Why won't the burning stop?
Ha ha ha ha!

 

by coinilius
11-16-05
Jesus has gone to take down his evil brother, Larry!
But if Jesus Christ and Anti-Christ should come into contact, the energy released could destroy the entire universe!
Really?
How the fuck should I know? I just thought it sounded cool!

 

by coinilius
11-18-05
Burp!

 

by coinilius
11-21-05
Ahh, there's nothing better than kicking back and having a few beers after working hard all week.
Yeah...
Even if it is only Monday afternoon.
Come to think of it, we haven't even left this bar to go to work yet...

 

by coinilius
11-21-05
Is it true that we fish only have a 15 second memory?
No! That's just human propaganda, spread to justify there cruelity in keeping us imprisoned in tiny, joyless bowls!
What where we talking about again?
I like buttons!

 

by coinilius
11-21-05
Man, being in this fish bowl is so boring... all you ever do and see are the same things, day in and day out.
If I didn't have you to talk to, I think I'd go insane!
You're talking to your reflection again.
What's that? You say I should kill the Queen?

 

by coinilius
11-23-05
For the last time, I don't want to go out with you!
I burn, I pine, I perish if I achieve not this young, modest girl!
I think they have a cream for that sort of thing.

 

by coinilius
11-23-05
Whoever loses has to be the woman when we have but sex tonight!
You're on!
Hey, you're losing on purpose!

 

by coinilius
11-24-05
Alright class, I want you to write a report on what you want to be when you grow up.
But isn't that forcing unreal expectations on us, making us chose career paths at a time when we're to young to fully comprehend what direction we want to take in life?
Look kid, just say Astronaut like everyone else.
Philistine.

 

by coinilius
11-24-05
Alright now, tell the class what you want to be when you grow up.
Well, I know that I DON'T want to be an under paid, glorified baby sitter who spends her days trying in vain to educate the dull witted youth of an increasingly dull witted society.
That's the smartest thing I've heard all day.

 

by coinilius
1-21-06
Mummy, I just saw Godzilla destroying the city!
That's nice honey... what TV channel was it on?
TV channel?
Aghh! Again with the burning, what's that about? Yargh!

 

by coinilius
1-22-06
Hello, I'm your Fairy Companion! I'll help you fight enemies, solve puzzles...
Anywhere you go, I'll be there, watching you and making comments!
Oh yeah, you dirty fairy boy you! Show me the good stuff!
Ok, now you're just freaking me out...

 

by coinilius
1-23-06
Do you think it's true that Australia is becoming to Americanised, like people say?
Nonsense, I don'tbelieve that for a secon!
But then again..
Give me your wallet or I'll pop a cap in yo' ass, mo fo!

 

by coinilius
2-05-06
I've found a great new act for our show... a talking dog!
This seemed like a much better idea when I was stoned this morning...
I was going to say the same thing.

 

by coinilius
2-05-06
And now for our next act... Scruffy, the Amazing Talking Dog!
Woof!
That's the best you can do? Woof?
Hey, you think I'm gonna waste my A-material for what you're paying me?

 

by coinilius
2-05-06
The talking dog just isn't bringing in the ratings..
Sorry Scruffy, but the people want to see more from your act.
More? I'm a TALKING DOG! What more do they expect?
I'm gonna maul my fucking agent!

 

by coinilius
2-05-06
And if you think this is good, you should see the Seal balancing this ball on his nose down below!
Arf! Arf!

 

by coinilius
2-05-06
It's still not enough... no one is interested in the talking dog. Or the Seal.
I guess people just don't appreciate dog tricks anymore.
Unless...
Do I even want to know the particulars of how this happened?
Not particularly.

 

by coinilius
2-05-06
I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna jump!
Hurry up already - some of us don't have all day, y'know!
Arghhh!
Eugh, sprayback! Now I'm going to have to wash these robes again!
Somepeople can be so inconsiderate...

 

by coinilius
2-12-06
Life is full of ups and downs.
I HAVE UPS!

 

by coinilius
2-12-06
I wonder if I'm just to sophisticated for my own good.

 

by coinilius
2-12-06
Let's think happy thoughts today!
I'm floating on a cloud!

 

by coinilius
2-12-06
By the way, I was being sarcastic!

 

by coinilius
2-12-06
Sigh
My life isn't turning out like I planned...
I wanted to accomplish something.

 

by coinilius
2-12-06
What are you doing with that icepick?
STAB STAB STAB
Oh.

 

by coinilius
2-12-06
And now Billy will present his speech on the mating habits of the African Swallow. In his underpants.
What? Arghh!
Oh man, it was just a dream...
That would have been pretty embarrising otherwise!
Nice boxers, pervert.

 

by coinilius
2-22-06
*Sniffle* Doctor, I think I'm coming down with a cold *snifle*
Well then, just open up and say 'ahh' for me, mr Vlad.
Ahhh.. Ahhh...
Ahh Choo!
Gesundheit

 

by coinilius
2-22-06
So Jeff, I hear you're on a pretty strict diet! How are you holding up?
What are you waiting for, tubby? Eat me! Eat me!!!
That well, huh?
What's that giant talking bacon man? You want me to eat you? And then kill the Queen?

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