All comics by cpausti

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What is your porpoise here?
by cpausti, 4-28-05

 

by cpausti
4-28-05
Why don't you come with me little girl...
On a magic carpet ride.
Put your hands behind your back.

 

Great view from here.
by cpausti, 5-01-05

 

by cpausti
5-02-05
Wow! Turns out Jennifer Wilbanks was lying!
Who?
You know, that woman who was "kidnapped." Turns out she just ran away and hid for four days.
Wow, four days?!?
Yeah, so?
It's been that long since I started not giving a shit?!

 

by cpausti
5-03-05
Daddy, Tommy wont share his oil with me.
Hold on.

 

by cpausti
5-04-05
We can fight off these radiation zombies together, man!
TEAMWORK!!!
Just one thing!
What!?
I'm not gay, but I can't live without sex. So, if you wouldn't mind, maybe later we could....
Sir, I was in the army. Wait 'til you see this reach around move my buddy taught me!

 

by cpausti
5-04-05
Woah! Santa Claus!!!
Ho No! Look kid, I don't do any special wishes in person.
I have a message for Mrs. Claus.
Alllright... let me hear it.
Did I say "message?" I meant boner.

 

by cpausti
5-04-05
I really hate Christmas nowadays. It's all about materialism and seeing who can buy the better gift for who.
Personally, I think we should eliminate gift giving.
That, or Wal-Mart needs to start making Prada purses.

 

by cpausti
5-06-05
Hey donkey.
Hey, what's for breakfast?
Antitermite fluids.
I'm sick of those. Have some sympathy?
Have legs?
No-... shit.

 

by cpausti
5-09-05
We so horny.

 
by cpausti, 5-11-05

 

by cpausti
5-11-05
Here, now, we have a rabbit eating a carrot.
Back to you, Bill.

 

by cpausti
5-11-05
Oh, Chris, that coffee was great!
I think it was the new machine! I'll make some more!
Hey, Jenny. Heard you got hit with another drug test. Did you save that old urine sample?
I was bringing it in, but it spilled in the new coffee pot... hehe. So I had to borrow a new one.
What?

 

by cpausti
5-11-05
I told you to go before we left.

 

by cpausti
5-16-05
You know what really chafes my balls?
Hmm?
My legs.

 

by cpausti
5-16-05
You know what REALLY rapes my ass?
Hmm?
Your husband.

 

by cpausti
5-16-05
You know what really melts my circuits?
Hmm?
Microsoft.

 

by cpausti
5-17-05
Oh man, that sucked SO MUCH ASS!
What did?
My broken toilet.

 

by cpausti
5-17-05
Hey Doc, what's up?
I have created a device which enables invisibility! I will use it only to get a firm grasp on the greater good. Observe!
See?
I think you've mistaken the greater good for my boobies.

 

by cpausti
5-22-05
Wow, that's the whole nine yards!
What is?
My weiner.

 

by cpausti
5-27-05
Hmmm....
What is it, Doc?
It seems we have found some odd formations in your sperm.
Really? Like what?
Your semen can function as a stain remover.
That explains why my sheets are so clean.

 

Who needs a burping? You do cutie!
Look, bitch. Smack me again and I'll show you who learned how to bite next breast feed.
by cpausti, 6-05-05

 

by cpausti
6-05-05
Mom, the internet keeps going out.
Maybe you should get his cell number next time.

 

Pff. The doctor told me to worry about CRABS.
by cpausti, 6-05-05

 

Well, I feel great about myself .
by cpausti, 6-05-05

 

by cpausti
6-07-05
Do you remember ol' One Armed Joe? That hippie from down the street?
Yeah, what about him?
Well, he was stuck in this tree the other day, near the park.
How did he get down?
I passed him a joint.

 

by cpausti
6-07-05
Dude, check this out. I'm planting these donut seeds.
....those are cheerios.
Sweet!

 

by cpausti
6-07-05
Will you draw a picture of me?
Sure!
But, this time, don't make my boobs look like blimps with "Sex Ain't No Stranger" tatooed on the sides.
Got an eraser?

 

by cpausti
6-08-05
If there really is a God, I hope it is accepting of all kinds of people.
I hope it will be all knowing, and open to any questions I have. I hope it will know that love is what everyone needs, and supply just that.
And I hope it will have huge, huge tits.
Definitely.

 

by cpausti
6-08-05
WOO THIS IS AWESOME!!!
YEAH! BUNGEE JUMPING RULES!
Wait, bungee jumping?

 
by cpausti, 6-08-05

 

by cpausti
6-08-05
Um...
This isn't exactly the "head" I was praying for, my Lord.

 

by cpausti
6-09-05
Nicole Kidman is pretty hot for her age.
Yeah.
And the accent helps a lot.
So does the plastic surgery.

 

So dude, what did your girlfriend end up getting you for your birthday?
Well, I'm not one to get an amazingly good, thorough, and extensive blowjob and tell.
by cpausti, 6-10-05

 

by cpausti
6-10-05
So why the hell do you like wiggers and thugs?
Well...um..
Don't get me wrong I still love us Arabs!
But that's just a brotherly love, not a "get in the back of my fucking car, bitch." love.

 

I don't think Michael Jackson will ever make music again.
What acquitter.
by cpausti, 6-14-05

 

by cpausti
6-15-05
Hey Hey! I loves me some twin peaks! If you know what I mean!
Hell yeah!
Kyle MacLachlan is a FABULOUS actor!

 

Note to self: You get what you pay for on Carney Cruises.
by cpausti, 6-16-05

 

My mother always told me to make muse of my wife.
by cpausti, 6-16-05

 

by cpausti
6-17-05
Oh Bessie. I love you so.
You fill my heart with joy.
And soon, you'll fill my stomach with steak.

 

The Bible says that any woman who works in a higher position than a man need be stoned.
And I agree.
by cpausti, 6-19-05

 

by cpausti
6-20-05
Hey mister! Why are you wearing an airsuit?
The same reason you are behind bars, young one.
Because you like to fuck dogs?

 

by cpausti
6-21-05
I'm Sean Hannity, wel-
And I'm Alan Colmes.
Who the fuck unchained you?

 

by cpausti
6-21-05
Check out the tail on that broad!
Woah!

 

by cpausti
6-21-05
Hi, welcome to KFC. May I take your order?
Screw the middle-man, I s'pose.

 

by cpausti
6-22-05
Hmm.. it's a good resume, but...
But what?
You should have used regular white paper.
Not this weird off-white colored stuff.
It's pink, Floyd.

 

by cpausti
6-23-05
Having a good time?
Well, a police station isn't exactly the ideal place for a date.
Sorry, but when my mom heard I was going out with a white girl, this is the only place she'd let me go.
Why's that?
If I do anything bad to you, she'll see it all over the news.

 

by cpausti
6-23-05
Ooh yeah. Look at that fine body. I'd like to rub baby oil up and down her and teach her who's boss.
Mmm, fuck I am so horny for that fine ass! Oh man, I need to get a better look!
Excuse me ma'am, if you wouldn't mind moving your head? I can't see the horses.

 

by cpausti
7-02-05
Cheers, Watson!
Good day!
Ready for some prime investigation tonight?
Sorry, I've got a date with Todd. We'll have to reschedule.
Hmm... you're gay!
No shit, Sherlock.

 

by cpausti
7-02-05
Yes?
Hi, I'm here selling the new Supreme Vacuum Cleaner. It cleans anything, anywhere. Guaranteed.
It comes with a free, self-destructing Carson Daly doll. It self destructs when an audience member laughs.
Lifetime guarantee.

Showing page 2.

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