All comics by cpausti

Profile

 

by cpausti
3-29-05
Hey mister, why are you nailing your head?
My life is terrible.
Oh, quit whining. Try being a kid, asshole.
My girlfriend bought us tickets to an Ashlee Simpson concert.
Carry on.

 

by cpausti
3-29-05
Good morning, Sir.
Sonny, I need you to run me an errand.
What is it? Something really important? Involving tons of money?
Do I have to go through a life-risking task to accomplist it? Will there be blood-thirsty tigers?
Purchase a sweater for my daughter, from "Ross Dress For Less!"

 

by cpausti
3-29-05
On the Phone....
Nah man, I don't really wanna go with you and your dad camping.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I think I'll just stay home.
Your Loss!!!
Ready Dad??!?

 

by cpausti
3-29-05
You're going down, evil villian!
What are YOU, gonna do to ME?
I shall de-feet you. HaHaHa.
Shall I slap a block of Velveeta on there, buddy?

 

by cpausti
3-29-05
Hey man, what's up?
Eh, nothin'. You?
Just eating a sandwich.
Lucky. I wish I could eat, but I'm on a diet.
You WERE born with a Y chromosome, weren't you?

 

by cpausti
3-29-05
I think we're lost. Let's ask for directions.
No, no we're almost there.
Almost where?
An Easter after party. Now be patient.
April Fools. You're Terri Schiavo's new feeding machine.
Fuck. That.

 

by cpausti
3-30-05
Basically: rock + animals times evolution
multiply that by 600 million
hey it worked
...and that's the way the world came to be.

 

by cpausti
3-30-05
Hey, what'cha readin' in English?
"Ender's Game."
Ha, I read that in sixth grade.
Isn't that the same year you cried over that Pokemon Energy Card?
What's it to you?
Your dignity.

 

by cpausti
3-30-05
We're probably the last survivors on Earth.
You think so?
I'm almost sure of it.
Too bad there's no way to repopulate, eh?
You've obviously never met me.

 

by cpausti
3-30-05
Oh no! I hope my wife is still alive!
Honey! Thank god! I thought I'd never see you again!
Oh my god, what radiation has done to you!
WHAT HAPPENED!?
You grew a thirteenth pharynx!

 

by cpausti
3-30-05
Hello, Father. I'd like to set the date for my marriage.
Oh my word...
No! No way I would host such a marriage in my church!
Sorry honey.
He must hate gays.

 

by cpausti
3-30-05
Is there a problem, officer?
I'm going to have to confiscate your eye license.
Eye license? What is that?
AHA! I knew you didn't have one. Get in the car.
Sir, what IS an "Eye License"?
I told you I was the best.

 

by cpausti
3-30-05
Yes, drink the beer.
MMMMoh.. who are you?!
No one. Would you like a sandwich?
Hellll yes... *CHOMP*
That'll cost you one soul.
Take my wife, she never complains, 'fyou know what I mean.

 

by cpausti
3-31-05
Woo! I won the lottery!
Why are you staring at MY money?
Look man! I ain't givin' to beggers!
Actually, I was staring at your organs.

 

by cpausti
3-31-05
Woaaah man, that plane TOTALLY slammed into you!
It even exploded! HAHA! You should have seen the look on your face!
Can we go to the hospital?
They aren't open on April Fool's.

 

by cpausti
4-05-05
Crap.

 

by cpausti
4-06-05
"Warning: Caps filled with real black gunpowder."
Woo, we'd better be careful.
Well, it doesn't say, "Warning: Do not fill gun with gasoline."
True.

 

by cpausti
4-06-05
2:00 a.m.
God
Damned
Hiccups

 

by cpausti
4-06-05
C'mon, laddy. I just need a few.
This isn't money, they're preserved, compacted tuna cubes.
Just a few.

 

by cpausti
4-06-05

 

by cpausti
4-06-05
OH! JESUS CHRIST IT STANKS ASS IN HERE!

 

by cpausti
4-07-05
Hmm, what's on TV today...
"NEXT ON MSNBC... Remembering our beloved Pope John Paul II..."
EW! News! Time for some Nickelodeon!
"Next on Nick! Remembering our beloved Pope John Paul II..."
This is all your fault.

 

by cpausti
4-11-05
Haha, dude check this out!
Yeah?
How gay does this guy look?
How can you tell?
Actually, he kind of looks like a mixture of you and this other guy I know.
Ass.

 

by cpausti
4-11-05
Hey Ryan.
Eh, why don't you pull dis 'ere finger?
Uh... allllright...?
Eh heh heh.
We'll call it, "Self Induced Intoxication."

 

by cpausti
4-13-05
Hey Jason, whatcha readin'?
Just finishing up "To The Lighthouse" by Virginia Woolf.
Get the hell away from me.

 

by cpausti
4-13-05
Jesus Christ that's a huge roach.
Yoman.
Actually, it's "Snowman," but eh, Rome wasn't built in a day.
I can see how that expression would work here, but to an illogical individual, it's a tad out of place.

 

by cpausti
4-14-05
I told you that was gonna be fuckin' awesome.

 

by cpausti
4-14-05
Good evening, America! I am here representing the Halloween Monsters of America.
Halloween is on a Thursday this year. We want to move it to a permanent Saturday, so children will not be shut out on a school night ever again.
Not to mention, we do NOT want to miss the O.C. for some god forsaken "holiday."

 

by cpausti
4-17-05
Hey, my graduation invitations came in the mail!
Really? How do they look?
Pretty good. They gave me way too much tissue, though.
For all of the "cum."

 

by cpausti
4-19-05
Okay, I'm just going to turn it on to see the problem for myself.
Hmm... oh. Here it goes.
Welcome!

 

by cpausti
4-19-05
I got baptized for THIS?!

 

by cpausti
4-20-05
Why the fuck does everyone think you are a mime?
Oh.

 

by cpausti
4-20-05
Ahhh. Don't you love taking walks?
All of the things to do, places, and people to see.
MMMaaaahh. And the fresh air. Ahh. Just take a deep breath of it.
I would, but all this carbon monoxide is in the way.

 

by cpausti
4-20-05
Someone needs to end underwater nuke testing.

 

by cpausti
4-20-05
Stupid baby. I can't believe I have to babysit you.
Is that so? Why don't you go fuck yourself.
WOAH! You can talk!
No shit, dumbass.
What else can you do?!
Go get Dad's shotgun, I'll show you.

 

by cpausti
4-20-05
That's it, I'm writing you up! You are oh too insubordinate!
Wait! You didn't ask me to do anything.
You crazy liberals always have some new excuse!
I knew it.

 

by cpausti
4-21-05
I had shrimp last night. At Red Lobster.
I'm going to Red Lobster with my girlfriend tonight, but carry on...
Yeah. It was underdone, so it was like eating some nasty kind of bug and then puking it back up.
Oh. She loves shrimp.
What address were you at?

 

by cpausti
4-22-05
Sir, would you like to buy this knife?
There is blood on it.
So? It's extra sharp!
Demonstrate.
He asked for it.

 

by cpausti
4-22-05
Thanks.
May I have a bite?
Sure.
Oops. I forgot. I have herpes.

 

by cpausti
4-24-05
Are you ready? Supposedly tonight on NBC they're showing the guy who used too much Enzyte's weiner.
Y'know, the FCC use some weird effects these days.

 

by cpausti
4-24-05
Hmm... immortality?
Nope.
... the power of Jesus?
Nope.
Crack?
Bingo.

 

I heard that people who make one panel comics are retarded cripples.
Is that why we're staring at him?
by cpausti, 4-25-05

 

Why the long face, sir?
Ugh. I can't get this cock off my ass.
by cpausti, 4-25-05

 

by cpausti
4-25-05
Are you ready to watch "Ryan Seacrest Sings it His Way?"
Uh--n-no.. we lost the r-remote. Y-you go upstairs and watch and I-I'll look for it.
huuuuuhhh.... ahh.
A remote up the ass is better than that shit.

 

by cpausti
4-25-05
Have YOU ever been to Cuba?
Believe me. It's not worth it.

 

by cpausti
4-26-05
The next calla gets to talk t' me, Snoop D-o-double-g!
*RING RING RING*
Alright! The next caller gets to talk to me, Tom Cruise!
*RING RING RING*
Hey Hey! The next caller gets to talk to me, Ryan Seacrest!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by cpausti
4-26-05
Come, sir, just one after dinner mint. It's wafer thin!
I couldn't possibly eat another bite ... but OK. *munch* *munch* *munch*
Let's go give one of those to Star Jones.

 

by cpausti
4-27-05
Ugh.
C'mon... do it...
I guess I'll do what I was put here to do.
Yes yes! He's gonna do it...!
This bench really needs fixing!
Damn.

 

by cpausti
4-28-05
Where's Mr. President, General?
Hmm, It seems he isn't here!
This reminds me of 'nam.

 

by cpausti
4-28-05
Your other half! there it is!!!!!
Hmmwhat?
Your other half!!! there it is!!!! I can save you!!!
Phew.. now if you can just nail it back onto the wall before Hunter John gets home, that'd be great.
What a miserable life you lead.

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