All comics by kola

Profile

 

by kola
7-18-05
Hi! Welcome to Jojo's Sports Restaurant.
Sports Restaurant?
That's right! We play ball while you eat.
How close by the tables do you play?
Close enough for you to taste our sweat in your white wine, baby.
Dear!

 

by kola
7-18-05
Bored, so bored! Why won't you ring?
I can't ring on my own. It's not in my nature.
I'll smash you to pieces if you don't ring soon!
Rrrrrrrrrring!
You're just doing that with your voice.
Look, why don't you call for a wake up call in half an hour instead of taking your lonely troubles out on me?

 

by kola
7-19-05
Welcome, my son! To America!
But I have lived here my whole life. Are you Santa Claus?
Yes, I am! I'm like a GOD in America.
Well... I don't know about that.
Are you sure?
Well nobody worships you, that's for sure. And that's how Gods get their powers, right?

 

by kola
7-23-05
psst. hey. got a cigarette?
I don't know, you look a little young to be smoking.
I'm Kid Loco. You don't give me a cigarette now, I'll mess you up real bad.
I see! well, I don't smoke, Kid Loco. Sorry!
You'll smoke after I set fire to your effing skin.
Kid Loco, can I use the toilet now?

 

by kola
7-24-05
Ahoy! I am here to claim this city for the Confederacy!
Ha! This city burned to the ground moments ago. Everyone's dead.
Well then I claim you! You I claim for the Confederacy!
Me? Are you Goddanged joking?
No jokes! First you'll wash my nipples!
I survived the Nucleon for this?!

 

by kola
7-25-05
You know half this snow is really coke, right? You like coke? Keep you up?
Have a drink, Shanta! Dem kids'm must've taken your last bittle dignity, eh?
My Christmas Tree!
Sorry Pops. Didn't mention I was all flammable-like.

 

by kola
7-25-05
So then my Christmas Tree was burned up! What a rotten day it was.
Dang, Santa you need a day off!
I don't know sometimes it just seems like I give and give...
I know it! And no one gives back. Well go on home, old friend. I've actually bought you something I think you'll really enjoy!
Ooh mama!
C'mere, Santa Baby! Let's make snow angels on your mattress.

 

by kola
7-30-05
Ummmm...heya boss!
Cut the shit. Did you deliver?
Ummmmmmm. Yeah! Sure did. I was like, 'one deadly bullet to the brain comin' up!' Then I did the deed.
Yes, yes. Is there anything else?
I couldn't do the second part.
Jesus, what is SO hard about eating a brain?

 

by kola
7-30-05
Whew! what a day. did you ever have to work hollywood blvd?
evr'y christmas i do.
Ohhhhboy! ONCE a year? How do you ever manage?
You know... I'm over two hundered years old.
................soooo that hollywood crowd. tough crow huh?
bunch of stuck up pricks.

 

by kola
8-03-05
where are we?
we must've taken a wrong turn somewhere.
this place is creeping me out! did you hear that?
you kidding me? how could i NOT hear that?
maybe you could scare the ghosts off with your.....fire. and i can go get help!
yeah why don't you call an ambulance for these guys! seems like a real logical idea to me.

 

by kola
8-07-05
LOOKIT ME! I'm A FANCY CITY BOY! WOOOO EEE!
LOOKIT ME I'm PRAISING GOD! I'm a FANCY CITY BOY!
HEY FIRE! What the HELL HAPPENED HERE?
OH SOME FANCY CITY BOY BLEW UP AN ATOMO. FANCY city boy!

 

by kola
8-07-05
Well hello little missy! Are your mommy and daddy here?
Nope!
Well are there any grownups I could speak with? Someone called 911 emergency from this barn!
Well that was me. I thought I was dialing information.
The only information you need is to know that the cops are on your side.
Wow! Police officers are nice!

 

by kola
8-11-05
Yeeeeahhhh Ah This ain't a disco seeeee!
Yeeeeeahhh I got a problemmmmmm yeah! A problem with authorityyyyy!
Geeeeyet Awaaayeee From ME!

 

by kola
8-11-05
I wonder if e-mail still works from under the sea?
would an e-mail cause an electrical shock? i don't want to hurt the fishies...
or do i?

 

by kola
8-11-05
Whoa, what happened? All I remember is sticking my breakfast fork inside the toaster...
And that doesn't tip you off?
Listen, pal no need to get dirty.
What?
So is this hell? Because I touched myself quite a lot.
Yes... yes, we know.

 

by kola
8-17-05
You have no passion! Touch meeee!
t-t-t-too c-c-c-c-c-cold...
HELLFIRE BE CAST!!!
What the?!
I'm f-f-f-rozen inside.

 

by kola
8-19-05
This one's got a big POP with earth's name on it!
GODDAMNED HYPOCRITES!
Excuse me? Could you please not swear?

 

by kola
8-26-05
Stan! Stan, did you pack a sandwich?
Yes, dear.
Is Santa a careful driver?
Of COURSE! Quit nagging!
hey Santa! Ready to go?
Yeah let's get f*@#ed up!

 

by kola
8-26-05
Hey! How'd you get here, little friend?
I came from the zoo. Do you have any peanuts?
Yeah, but I also got a pet mouse!
Oh MY!
Heheh. Just kidding, dude.

 

by kola
8-26-05
Ohhhhhhhhh
Yeeee-heeee-heee-heeeyah!
Helllllll yeeeeeahhhhhh, no!

 

by kola
8-26-05
That settles it! I just asked mom and she said I WAS born three minutes bef- HEY! You took my turn!
That's right, I did. What are you gonna do, kid brother?
I'll tell mom.
Ha! She's powerless to stop me. I could pixelate her with one icey glare.
Then I'll tell Dad.
Hey, did you know I'm actually half an inch taller than you? Go ask mom, you'll see.

 

by kola
8-26-05
Which species wolfen were we supposed to be hunting?
Sssh! I'll handle the wolfen. You're not appropriately dressed for hunting.
Idiot. Wolfen are colorblind.
Hey, bozo! I'm the one with the gun. Lay off the names!
You wouldn't shoot me. You love me!
Shut up!

 

by kola
8-27-05
WHY HAVE YOU CALLED UPON SEREPENT OF THE DEEP?
Yo dude you owe my beeyatch some dough.
THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. I AM THE MIGHTY SEREPENT OF THE DEEP-
Look fool, I will slap you silly!
DO YOU ACCEPT DISCOVER?

 

by kola
8-27-05
Damn! That pilot didn't know what he was doing.
Or what he was in for!
How will we get off this island?
I say we eat the pilot. Then we'll absorb his knowledge of planes.
But the plane is wrecked! He's a pilot, not a plane builder!
Well... I did already eat part of him.

 

by kola
8-29-05
Oh, my! Excuse me, I didn't realize this was the dressing room!
It's not! How can I help you?
Well, I'm looking for something for my niece's 7th birthday. Something that says "young and hip".
Well we have a giant selection of Pokemon dresses!
I don't think she likes Pokemon.
What is she, some kind of idiot?

 

by kola
8-29-05
Hey little girl! What are you looking at over there?
I see a tar trash!
Don't look at that sweety.
That man's head was filled with cranberry jelly! That's funny!
Sweety, that's-
I'm going to see what it tastes like!

 

by kola
8-29-05
Hey! You're...You're...
That's right. I'm you. Visiting from the future to show you what it'd be like if you were never born!
Wait. Hasn't this been done before?
Don't you want to see?
I guess so.
Come with me, then.

 

by kola
8-29-05
Pardon me, sir. Is this Northtown?
No, this is Northeastland. You want to travel further north a few miles.
Thank you.
You're welcome!

 

by kola
8-31-05
eeeyat is my destinayyyyy to playyyy
all NIEEEEEEEGHT!
Hellllllls yeeea-hahaaaaaa, wot a nieeeeeeght!

 

by kola
9-07-05
Well hi!
Hello, George.
I bought you a cat to keep you company. His name's Chip. Get it?
No.
Like computer chip!
I'm a computer?! I...I thought I was alive!

 

by kola
9-08-05
Oh! Excuse me, is this the Estate of Sir Bounous?
I-AM-SIR-BOUNOUS-THE-SECOND-STATE-YOUR-PURPOSE.
Well, I brought him some homeade cheesecake! Just the kind he likes!
PLEASE-LEAVE-THE-CAKE-HERE-I-WILL-DELIVER-IT-TO-HIM.
DELICIOUS-CAKE-JUST-FOR-ME

 

by kola
9-09-05
Hi, you!
Oh hello Billy. I see you visited space again!
Are you kiddin'? I visited underwater. Space is soooo 1998.
What year are we in now? 1999?
I think so.
Good! Odd numbered years are the bomb.

 

by kola
9-09-05
Hey little guy! What are you doin' out here at night?
What can you not talk?

 

by kola
9-09-05
Frick, your robot factory is productive but crippling to the environment.
Well we ALL gots ta suffer.
What does that mean?!
It means jo mamma likes it like that, tizzy.
Dr. Frick!
Excuse me!

 

by kola
9-13-05
...I never learn anything new on this job.
Did you know my Dad only has one of his original hip bones?
That's nice kid. But that ain't the kind of knowledge I seek.
My mom lives over there, about a block down the road. She's filled with secrets.
Your mother, huh? Sigh... I've been so despondent. I guess I'm game for anything. Let me go speak to this enlightened mother of yours.
By the way you'll need a Ouiji board.

 

by kola
9-16-05
I conjure thee... bringer of electric truth... come to me now!
ARE YOU A READDDDAY TO PLAYEEEE WITH FIRE?!

 

you cheated!
by kola, 9-17-05

 

by kola
9-17-05
Well thanks for taking me to the temple!
Oh no problem, sweetness. Those men with crossbows didn't look too kind.
Well, all the same I will pray for you inside.
Would you rather have dinner?
Can it be vegetarian?
Oh, yes of course!

 

by kola
9-23-05
I hope you're happy with your choice.
I am happy.
So this is it, then?
This is it.
He'll be back.

 

by kola
10-21-05
you're back! where have you been?
I, my dear, have just gotten a job. As an internet secret shopper!
I'll be right back!
where are you going?

 

by kola
10-21-05
are you jackie espinoza?
maybe. who wants to know?
somebody important. why do you want to know?
are you somebody important? like, do you consider yourself an important human being?
i consider myself...fairly important, yes.
well, i'm not jackie espinoza.

 

by kola
10-21-05
MistressLola: I loved chatting with you yesterday
Yes! finally an internet girl for me!
MistressLola: what do you look like?
Errr... I'll be right back. Let me get my webcam.
hopefully she'll fall for this disguise!

 

by kola
10-21-05
can you access the code to the canyon?
i'm trying, but there are several small peninsular decoders throwing me off the trail.
is your system DOS?
what, are you from 1988 or something?
I was born in 1969.

 

by kola
10-21-05
you look very familiar to me. have we met?
i don't think so. do you know Andrew?
yeah! how do you know Andrew? i know him from way back.
me too!
well, i have to urinate.

 

by kola
12-22-05
thanks for takin me to my favorite bar, skip!
anytime, toby. listen, we need to talk.
yo! tonay! bring me and my boy a jager and red bull!
sigh...
now what did you want to talk about dude?
it's about your video game system. i pawned it. i'm so sorry!

 

by kola
2-05-06
I heard you slept with the Sun Woman! She's MINE!
you don't own her, Captain.
I AM YOUR SUPERIOR! ON THE SHIP, AND IN LOVE!
that's not what she said last night...
WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?!
more like your erectile dysfunction, dude.

 

by kola
8-01-06
Wow, what a ride! Where am I?
You died, Jeffrey. You're in HELL.
Hell? What do you mean? I paid my taxes and all that!
Yes, but there's the matter of the cow... the one you molested in high school!
You got me all wrong, friend! That cow came onto ME!
Get over here.

 

by kola
8-01-06
HELLOOO? Is you home, Rog?
I told you before, Graden. I never want to see you again!
But... I'm hurt! I've been stung by killer bees!
SLAM!
WAIITT!!

 

by kola
1-24-07
Mister, are you ok? I think the paramedics are here.
they... they is all just driving by! why don't they stop?
listen mister, you're hurt bad. let me piggyback you to the hospital.
just call my cell phone, martha. no, brick didn't hit me with a kid!
ah, shoot! i got to go to work. sorry, old timer!
jesus? is that you?

 

by kola
1-24-07
WHAT IN TARNATION ARE WE DOING IN YOUR STEPMOM'S HOUSE?
didn't i mention we were coming here?
THERE'S NO FOOD! YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO THE BLACK EYED PEAS!
there's a jacuzzi. and plenty of beer!
i could give you a backrub later.

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