All comics by newportlocal

Profile

 

by newportlocal
6-25-04
...and then, when I was five, my mom molested me....
.....she told me that if I ever told, I would die.....
...so I have been silent all these years...
...and have finally figured out why I look for a mothering type in all my intimate relationships.....
...any older women want to be my sponsor?
Thanks for letting me share.

 

by newportlocal
6-25-04
I'm imitating a viking rowing team!

 

by newportlocal
7-01-04
I'm calling the fired department before you get out of hand
go ahead! blame the homeless man who needed to get warm a few hours ago, but never put me out....
...."I've got an out of control fire here on 33rd and Main that was lit by some homeless man....." "I'm sorry, all circuits are busy now, please try again later...."
...see.....I am going to turn into a monster......burn, burn, burn....with the anger of the homeless........
...the Moster wins....
I can't believe it, and I'm a hot line.......
see, FUCKER!

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
Hi, I'm a desperate clown wanting to get on TV.......I'm actually a publicity whore!
Why are you telling me? Like I'm an agent or something....
You know me......I'll suck anything.....
Why, you big fat asshole?
....to get on TV, of course......!
Go ahead, shoot the dog.......

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
I got the part on Brad's new show "Revenge of the Clowns!"
Wow! I just have one question, though.....
....and that is?
Why you? Big fat asshole!
....because......you know me, I'll suck anything.....
Fucking whore.....

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
...I have risen to tell you that your gift is acting, McCulley, and you should be on TV, not home alone.......
why do you say that? I am not even a Christian, so why should I listen to you?
Because, you know me, I'll suck anything!
........and your point is.............?
Why, you big fat asshole! I will see you get to hell for this.....
I'm not big, I'm not fat, but I may be an asshole.......

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
I'VE GOT A BONER, MAN!
ME TOO, AND MINE'S MADE OF WOOD!
Wanna play, tiki-fag?
Yeah, sure, eye-lined face queer.....:-)
I can't wait to eye-fuck you!
I just gotta ask one thing.....have you got termites?

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
I'VE GOT A BONER, MAN!
ME TOO, AND MINE'S MADE OF WOOD!
Wanna play, tiki-fag?
Yeah, sure, eye-lined face queer.....:-)
I'm almost weightless...we could bounce off the surface and I could eye fuck you!
I just gotta ask one thing.....have you got termites?

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
Hey, Bret, I'll show up at noon for that oral service I promised you....
Cool. Do you have that report?
REPORT?!!! I'M YOUR SEX SLAVE, NOT YOUR SECRETARY!
YOU'LL HAVE THAT REPORT OR YOU'RE FIRED, BITCH, AND YOU'LL BE THERE FOR THE HEAD, TOO!
ASSHOLE......BUTHEAD....CHICKENBUTT.....MOTHERFUCKINPIGSONOFABITCH.....ASSLICKINGSLAVEDRIVER....JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTOFABITCH!
Nice fucking long dialog box, bitch....and what's with the four watercoolers?

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
No, I won't go to mexico and be in your show.....
...that's so immature!
Fuck you!
...that's so immature!
I'm too young to have pubic hair!
...that's so immature!

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
HEY...CANYAHEARME?.....I'MWAYOVERHERE,COWBOY!.....HEY,CANYOUHEARME,PARDNER?????
WHYARYOUYELLING?...ICANHEARYOUJUSTFINE..........STOPYELLINGSOLOUDANDSHORTENYOURDIALOGBOXES!!!!

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
I'm a beer drinking fag!
.....asshole.......
I'm a beer drinking fag!
....fucker......
I'm a cum slurping whore!
.....mommy......

 

by newportlocal
7-12-04
Can you guess what's in my purse?
Cocaine? A tampon? A gun?
Shit! You must have x-ray eyes!
No, not really.
How did you guess?
Those were the top three answers on Family Feud last night!

 

by newportlocal
7-13-04
I think that I shall never see a poem as lovey as a tree.....
I want to get that fuckin' star and shove it in my pussy.......

 

by newportlocal
7-13-04
I am Bango, the clown, and I will make you smile!
I'm Victor, the balancing on the ball dog, and I will make you laugh til you cry!
Now, boys and girls, what would happen if I pushed Victor off his ball????
Duh, Bango!!! I would fall off? Duh!
But the children would laugh.....
Not as hard as they would after I shove that fucking hat up your ass along with this ball!

 

by newportlocal
7-13-04
So........why is the audience so small today?
It's senior citizen day. That's fucked!
So can we go home early?
No, shithead! We still have to perform for the few who came.
They probably have alzheimer's so they won't remember anyway.
I think you're right. Besides, most of them eat dog food, too. That is sooooooo cool. Maybe we could have lunch together!

 

by newportlocal
7-13-04
Sucky, sucky fie dollah!
ya, sucky, sucky and jerky, jerky...
No full service, just sucky, sucky or jerky, jerky!
And why, you ask?
....IN UNISON.....
we both have hymens!
we both have hymens!

 

by newportlocal
7-13-04
HEY, MAN, GOT ANY GONJA?
Soliciting a police officer, are you, Father?
Yes, my son. Jesus will forgive me, you know, so why don't you be a good Christian and....
Hold it right there! I'm taking you in!
Hey, wait! you are the one that should be in this cell!!!
I don't think so, Jesus is my attorney.

 

by newportlocal
7-13-04
I am the mind of the masses.....I am GOD......
...recording.......
I may be flat chested, but more men look at me than any supermodel!
....recording.....
I am so fucking hot, it makes me cum all over myself!
.....sensoring.....

 

by newportlocal
7-14-04
I used to be a cowboy, then I quit and became a clown
Why? Didn't you like being a cowboy? I sure do!
I got too fat to ride my horse, so I just retired and sold him....
Well, let me tell you a secret....I used to be a clown, but I lost weight and bought a horse online and became a strappin' cowboy!
Hey, I sold my horse online to some fat pervert from Oklahoma
I'm horsefucker562......

 

by newportlocal
7-15-04
I'm so small I can't see the customers, especially the short ones....
No call me short, bitch!
Is someone there?
Me here! I want greasy American burger and flies!
Bugie, bugie, fie dollah! You no want egg loll?
Me sue short bitch! Me like NAACP! Me have it American way!

 

by newportlocal
7-15-04
You see biped? Me want to talk biped make smartass comics. Make me laugh.
Biped like white stuck up bitch, no like Chinee girl.
Me wan sucky, sucky biped behind Chinee food joint.
You wish biped unzip woodie, woodie. biped no ha fie dollah...
Me sucky sucky biped for good comic star Chinee ho.
Biped no Chinee sucky sucky. Biped no want drippy, drippy....

 

by newportlocal
7-22-04
Hey, man, got any weed?
.....what? Jesus Christ, this is a church, man!
Do you always say your own name in vain when you are angry?
No, I'm just high.....could you go get me a couple of burgers and a large order of fries?
Sure....what are you high on?
Frankensense and myhr......

 

by newportlocal
8-09-04
punch....
...OUCH!
OUCH!
PUNCH BACK!
NO FITE CHINEE
NO FITE CHINEE.....

 

by newportlocal
7-19-08
4 years later....newportlocal is back!
Hey, I want you to look at my nipples!
I can't, I can't, it's not right for a machine to want flesh....
I gots some fine little perky titties. Red pubes, too, but not many, I'm nubile.
You know how I love red.....I'm getting a twisted nut.
Let's get that nut greased up and slam my tight little digital pussy. I need my pixels pumped, red!
Shit....now that I think about it, my bone only lasts about 10 seconds.

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