All comics by r2_d2

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by r2_d2
4-12-04
Fifty Comics came and went, and nobody even sent me a card. And instead of a cake, all I got is this damned pumpkin.  Well, at least I can blow out the candle. I'll just lean in and ...
What the?
Matt?  You were inside that thing?
You were expecting maybe Rebecca Romijn?

 

by r2_d2
4-13-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/223408:
If you come clean with us, we'll go easy on you.
Hmmm... this sounds like The Prisoner's Dilemma.  If Xenu and I both stay silent, they won't have any evidence on us.
We didn't do anything illegal.  We were just on our way to The Olive Garden for a co-worker's birthday party.
Meanwhile...
It was all R2's idea!  He had a gun to my head!  I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't listen to me!

 

by r2_d2
4-13-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/223577
Die, lacky of Xenu!
Wait! You're not Travolta!
No, I'm Jenna Elfman.
What are you doing here?
They put me on the front lines of the Anti-Xenu Brigade as punishment for Looney Tunes: Back in Action.
Because it only grossed $21-mil, right?

 

by r2_d2
4-13-04
That's why they call me
Bad Company, and I can't deny
It's okay, folks.  Security has been called and Mr. McBride has been forcibly removed from the premises.
We now retun you to your regularly scheduled comic strip.

 

by r2_d2
4-13-04
You know the deal.  Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/223602
Hey! You're not Jenna Elfman!
That's right.  I'm Lucy.
Lucy?
In the Sky with Diamonds.
You ... weren't ... supposed to ... take them ... yourself, R2.
Damn.  You need a new toupee, Mr. Shatner.

 

by r2_d2
4-13-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/ comics/sabuwolf/223627:
Die! Travolta!  This is for Look Who's Talking Now!
Yeargh!
SHIVVED!
That wasn't Travolta.  That was Kirstie Alley.
Your point being?

 

by r2_d2
4-13-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/ comics/sabuwolf/223630:
What? Oh, good, I'm back to normal.
This ends tonight, R2.
Fine.
SHIVVED!
Meanwhile, in The Hall of Mirrors:
Nooooooooooo!
Now they're just taunting me.

 

by r2_d2
4-14-04
R2's Mom Has Computer Trouble:
I need to know how to run my anti-virus programme.
So she asked me.  What should I do?
Don't worry.  I know just the one for this job.
You have thirty seconds to remove Windows from that computer, or I go medieval on your ass.  Emphasis on the "evil".
Did R2 send you?  Does that mean he finally has a girlfriend?

 

by r2_d2
4-14-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/ comics/sabuwolf/223641.  R2 and Xenu finally break out, and we join them somewhere in the Nevada desert.
You do know how to get to Vegas, right?
Why are you asking me?
Well, 'cuz I'm following you.
You're following me?  I thought I was following you.
Here's a tip:  When you're the one in front, you're the one leading the way.
Am I the only one getting thirsty?  For some reason, I'm feeling tempted to bring forth some water from these rocks.

 

by r2_d2
4-14-04
I can climb the highest mountain, Cross the wildest sea,
I can feel St. Elmo's Fire burning in me
I can feel it burning!
Well, what were you expecting?  "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes"?  Not in this strip, damnit!

 

by r2_d2
4-14-04
He can play honky tonk just like anything
Saving it up for Friday night
With the Sultans / With the Sultans of Swing
Stop right there.  Your singing is disrespectful to the Arabic peoples and if it continues, we will have to go Rushdie on your ass, insh'allah.

 

by r2_d2
4-14-04
Now your mortgages and homes/ I got stiffness in the bones / Ain't no beauty queens in this locality
Oh but I still get my pleasure/ Still got my greatest treasure/ Heap big woman you gonna make a big man out of me ... / Fat bottom girls you make the rockin' world go 'round
Singing about the women in Ohio, eh?
Actually, I was thinking Indiana.

 

by r2_d2
4-14-04
Inspired by the above picture
And we danced / Like a wave on the ocean, romanced
Oh, come on.  If anything, you should be singing "Dancing with Myself".
Hey, what I do in my bedroom is none of your business!
It wouldn't be if you'd draw the curtains.

 

by r2_d2
4-15-04
There's a black dog on my shoulder again
Licking my neck and saying she's my friend
R2, get your uzi.  It's time to cleanse the city of the unrighteous.

 

by r2_d2
4-15-04
A real Æsop fable taken from Project Gutenberg
A Bat fell to the ground and was caught by a Weasel, and was just going to be killed and eaten when it begged to be let go.
The Weasel said he couldn't do that because he was an enemy of all birds on principle. "Oh, but," said the Bat, "I'm not a bird at all: I'm a mouse."
If you don't believe me, see for yourself: http://bit.ly/b1CZZq
"So you are," said the Weasel, "now I come to look at you"; and he let it go. Some time after this the Bat was caught in just the same way by another Weasel, and, as before, begged for its life.
"No," said the Weasel, "I never let a mouse go by any chance." "But I'm not a mouse," said the Bat; "I'm a bird." "Why, so you are," said the Weasel; and he too let the Bat go.
And so, my lad, the moral of the story is, Lying will get you out of any trouble, as long as you keep it up.  And there will be no consequences.
Yeah, Martha Steward learnt that one pretty well.

 

by r2_d2
4-15-04
Another real Æsop fable from Project Gutenberg
A Farmer was greatly annoyed by a Fox, which came prowling about his yard at night and carried off his fowls.
So he set a trap for him and caught him; and in order to be revenged upon him, he tied a bunch of tow to his tail and set fire to it and let him go.
If you don't believe me, see for yourself: http://bit.ly/b6llZk
As ill-luck would have it, however, the Fox made straight for the fields where the corn was standing ripe and ready for cutting.
It quickly caught fire and was all burnt up, and the Farmer lost all his harvest.
So you see, the moral is, When you've captured your enemy, finish him off immediately.
I already knew that.  I've seen every Bond movie.

 

by r2_d2
4-15-04
Yet another real Æsop Fable
A Swallow was once boasting to a Crow about her birth. "I was once a princess," said she,
"the daughter of a King of Athens, but my husband used me cruelly, and cut out my tongue for a slight fault. Then, to protect me from further injury, I was turned by Juno into a bird."
"You chatter quite enough as it is," said the Crow.
"What you would have been like if you hadn't lost your tongue, I can't think."
The moral—and one you should learn well, son—is this:  Women never shut up.
Makes me wonder what's under that toga.

 

by r2_d2
4-15-04
So, how's law school been going for you?
It's getting pretty aggravating.  I've been considering dropping out and becoming a public school civics teacher.
But you hate children as much as I do!
I also hate the public school system.
So you just want a job that you only have to work nine months out of the year?
And where I get to yell at others all day.

 

by r2_d2
4-15-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/ comics/ClashTheStampede/224015.  R2 and Xenu have been wandering the Nevada desert for quite some time now.
Sweet! We've found Area 51!  Now we don't need a car—this is where I parked my spaceship.
So you've been working with the United States Air Force?
Oh, hell no.  They'd kill me just like the Scientologists.  That's why I'll have to create a diversion while you sneak in.  One of these stones is fake, the keys are inside it.
I've noticed every one of your plans involves me being placed in peril of life, limb, and/or imprisonment, while all you do is stand there.  Why is that?
I saved the decoy.
That's not answering my question!

 

by r2_d2
4-15-04
Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name
But what puzzling you is just the nature of my game
(sniff) Thank you so much.  All I ever wanted was a little sympathy.  That and your eternal soul.  Would you be willing to make a deal?
Sorry, I've already sold it for a case of Bawls™.

 

by r2_d2
4-16-04
Yet Another Real Æsop, courtesy of Project Gutenberg:
A Dog and a Cock became great friends, and agreed to travel together. At nightfall the Cock flew up into the branches of a tree to roost, while the Dog curled himself up inside the trunk,
which was hollow. At break of day the Cock woke up and crew, as usual. A Fox heard, and, wishing to make a breakfast of him, came and stood under the tree and begged him to come down. "I should like,"
www.gutenberg.net/1/1/3/3/ 11339/11339-h/11339-h.htm #THE_DOG,_THE_COCK,_AND_THE_FOX
said he, "to make the acquaintance of one who has such a beautiful voice." The Cock replied, "Would you just wake my porter who sleeps at the foot of the tree? He'll open the door and let you in."
The Fox accordingly rapped on the trunk, when out rushed the Dog and tore him in pieces.
In bed!
Hey! That's not a moral!  You just wanted to make a dirty joke about "The Cock".

 

by r2_d2
4-16-04
In the Justices' Chambers:
Damn, those arguments were boring.  Did you pay any attention?
I thought you would, so I slept through the Petitioner's entire argument.
Well, there's only one way out of this pickle.
I know.  Give the clerk the standard opinion.
(sigh)
And so, we hold that in matters such as these, that Congress's legislative judgment should be afforded due deferrence.

 

by r2_d2
4-17-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/ comics/sabuwolf/224162.  Having snuck in the back door to Area 51, R2 searches for Xenu's ship.
Arf! Arf!
Shit! The guarddogs have found me!  I'll just turn around slowly, and ...
That's strange.  I'd have expected a German shepherd or a rottweiler, not a beagle.
Yeah, well, the Air Force's entire budget's been blown on Iraq.  I'm all they could afford.
But you can talk.  That's gotta make you worth something.
The German shepherds and the rots have a union.

 

by r2_d2
4-17-04
So if you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion
I second that emotion
This song is highly illogical, captain.
Damn, I wish I could have sex with her once every seven years.  It'd still be a hell of a lot more than I'm getting now.

 

by r2_d2
4-17-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/ comics/ClashTheStampede/224219
So anyway, do you know where Xenu's ship is kept?
Oh, sure.  It is what I'm guarding, after all.
Well, would you be willing to show me where it is?
I suppose, but there is one small problem.
The tail lights are burnt out?
Yeah.  And have you ever tried finding a filling station that sells leaded petrol?

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
1.  The Bride Sings.
I - I - I - I'm Buried Alive! Buried Alive!
2.  Cameo by Steve Irwin.
The black mamba's the most venomous snake in the world.  You'll be dead in ... now, actually.
Crikey!  She's right, you know, those sheilers hurt like a bugger!
3.  The Showdown.
Hattori Hanzo never told you who your father was, Uma.  I am your father.
No! That's impossible!

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
4.  A better Samuel L. Jackson cameo.
My piano says "Bad Motherfucker" on it.
5.  Elle Driver telling the truth.
So why did Pai Mei take your eye?
He wanted to get in the Guinness Book for the World's Largest Eyeball Collection.
6.  The Bride actually killing someone with the Hattori Hanzo sword.

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/224358.  Xenu meets his old nemesis, Stan the Kangaroo.
Stan, my old rival!  What've you been up to?
I've just been waiting here for the past seventy-five million years for you to return.  They made me the night watchman since I spent so much time here anyway.
And now, at long last, I have the upper hand.  What do you have to say about that?
Think fast.  How can I get out of this one?
I came to make amends.  Call off our feud, and you can have a job on my crew.  My license expired 74,999,996 years ago, so I need someone to drive my ship.  We're going to Vegas.
Well, I've always wanted to be a Captain, for reasons that escape me at the moment.  I'm sure I'll remember sooner or later, though.  So, yes, I'll accept your offer.

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
Love is here, come on and try it
I got love for sale! Got love for sale
Yeah, I'd like a refund.
Caveat Emptor.

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
You consider me a young apprentice
Caught between the Scylla and Charybdis
(sigh) There was a time when I was the one to be feared at sea.
Yeah, all us mythological beings eventually get forgotten.  That's what I learned from Star Trek, anyway.

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
Yet Another Æsop Fable Courtesy of Project Gutenberg
A Man and his Wife had the good fortune to possess a Goose which laid a Golden Egg every day. Lucky though they were, they soon began to think they were not getting rich fast enough, and, imagining
the bird must be made of gold inside, they decided to kill it in order to secure the whole store the bird must be made of gold inside,
This one's at www.gutenberg.net/1/1/3/3/ 11339/11339-h/11339-h.htm #THE_GOOSE_THAT_LAID_ THE_GOLDEN_EGGS
they decided to kill it in order to secure the whole store of precious metal at once. But when they cut it open they found it was just like any other goose.
Thus, they neither got rich all at once, as they had hoped, nor enjoyed any longer the daily addition to their wealth.
And do you know what the moral is?
Yeah.  It's that Bush must have really fucked up the economy if a solid gold egg every day isn't enough to get by on.

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
Yet Another Æsop Fable Courtesy of Project Gutenberg
There was once a Dog who used to snap at people and bite them without any provocation, and who was a great nuisance to every one who came to his master's house.
So his master fastened a bell round his neck to warn people of his presence. The Dog was very proud of the bell, and strutted about tinkling it with immense satisfaction.
www.gutenberg.net/1/1/3/3/ 11339/11339-h/11339-h.htm #THE_MISCHIEVOUS_DOG
But an old dog came up to him and said, "The fewer airs you give yourself the better, my friend.
"You don't think, do you, that your bell was given you as a reward of merit? On the contrary, it is a badge of disgrace."
The moral, my boy, is that Notoriety is often mistaken for fame.
Like when people say that Microsoft is actually concerned with security?

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
Yet Another Æsop Fable Courtesy of Project Gutenberg
There was once a Groom who used to spend long hours clipping and combing the Horse of which he had charge,
but who daily stole a portion of his allowance of oats, and sold it for his own profit.
www.gutenberg.net/1/1/3/3/11339/ 11339-h/11339-h.htm #THE_HORSE_AND_THE_GROOM
The Horse gradually got into worse and worse condition, and at last cried to the Groom,
"If you really want me to look sleek and well, you must comb me less and feed me more."
The moral, of course, is After you marry a woman, she stops caring about her looks and just wants more to eat.
This Groom must've got married in Indiana, if he couldn't tell his wife from a horse.

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
Sunspot baby
Sure have a real good time!
I just don't get it?  How am I supposed to have a real good time if my reception's bad?

 

by r2_d2
4-18-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/224421.
That settles it, then.  I'm off to Nevada to ask the Great Xenu for a favour.
Of course, I'm in New Jersey, and my car's in Ohio.  I'll have to find another means of transportation to get there.  Maybe Priceline has cheap tickets.
Unfortunately, when you've been dead for a fortnight, the mind gets a little lazy.
So, does that earring mean you're a pirate?
Kinda.  Wanna see my "Ready Room"?

 

by r2_d2
4-19-04
Another real Æsop fable from Project Gutenberg
The Dolphins quarrelled with the Whales, and before very long they began fighting with one another.
The battle was very fierce, and had lasted some time without any sign of coming to an end, when a Sprat thought that perhaps he could stop it;
www.gutenberg.net/1/1/3/3/11339/ 11339-h/11339-h.htm#THE_DOLPHINS, _THE_WHALES,_AND_THE_SPRAT
so he stepped in and tried to persuade them to give up fighting and make friends.
But one of the Dolphins said to him contemptuously, "We would rather go on fighting till we're all killed than be reconciled by a Sprat like you!"
And what's the moral of this one?
I'll tell you just as soon as I figure out what the hell a "Sprat" is.

 

by r2_d2
4-19-04
[I don't have a new comic today, so I just ran an old one through Babelfish to Japanese, then back to English.  Enjoy!] With the beach, R2-D2 is beautiful, (the nature) meets to redhead.
As for this there is no beautiful sunset?
If that to load is supposed because it is the line, if you exclude that.  We me you and before sleeping, must be the last 2 people of the earth which repopulating is satisfied R2 race.
Diplomatic policy and one nuclear warfare... without the stand it did plural afterwards
It is good, now we are the last 2 people of the earth.
So that seems the way.  But I misjudge stillI why worries with all suitable methods concerning that.
And R2 is the nuclear holocaust oven and the fact that it is not everything which cracks is learned.
To be good, as for the aforementioned "us [ ] [ as for me of sleep ]. "They must be... the last 2 people of the earth before, it is good, us enters here.
And me serious?  You thought of that Gawd, it is sad and is.

 

by r2_d2
4-19-04
[Same deal as before, but this time it's the language of love, Italian] To the beach, R2-D2 comes to contact of a redhead beautiful (and natural).
Is not this a beautiful sunset?
If that one is supposed for being one line of the collection, saves it.  We would have to be last two people on earth, loaded with repopulating the human race, before that you slept with you, R2.
Vary have more subsequently cracked the foreign political and one war nuclear...
Well, hour we are last two people on earth.
Therefore it seems.  But still I do not succeed to see why it is interested to such purpose in all the appreciable sense.
and R2 learns that holocaust the nuclear is not all that is broken until is.
Well, said you, "we would have before to be last two people on earth... that [ ] sleep with [ me ]."  Well, we are here.
And you have thought that pits serious?  Gawd, you are pathetic.

 

by r2_d2
4-20-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/224785
Well, I'm going aft to the stern.  Maybe I'll see you there, big boy?
Yeah.  Um, I have to go back to my cabin now.
Now if I can just avoid him for the rest of the trip ...
Twenty minutes later:
Matt! Fancy seeing you on the poop deck!

 

by r2_d2
4-20-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/224813.  Matt quickly retreats from the poop deck ...
to the ship's bar, where he has a few too many Bahama Mamas ...
and his problem starts all over again in his cabin.
Just call me "Sailor Uranus"!

 

by r2_d2
4-20-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/224834.  Steve makes his way aboard the HMS Bountiful Butt.
I'm looking for Matt.
Get in line, brother.  We're all looking for Matt.
And when Michael Jackson appears, the hunter becomes the hunted.
Hah! Little do they know, this is just another of his punishments!
Hello, cutie.  Wanna come back to my cabin?

 

by r2_d2
4-22-04
Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
���ιε �λέη�ον

 

by r2_d2
4-22-04
Pass the Dutchie 'pon the left-hand side
Hey, you know that song's about drugs, right?
No, they were singing about a cooking pot!
Right.  "How does it feel when you got no food?"  Pretty clear case of the munchies.

 

by r2_d2
4-22-04
'Cuz I've got faith of the heart / I'm goin' where my heart will take me / I've got faith to believe / I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul / And no one's gonna bend or break me / I can reach any star / I've got faith, I've got faith / Faith of the heart
What ever happened to "To boldly go where no man has gone before"?
Worst theme song ever!

 

by r2_d2
4-24-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/225591:  Bono walks past Matt's cabin:
I'd also consider Hugh Jackman, Colin Farrell, Jeremy Davies, Keanu Reeves, or - after a few beers - Russel Crowe.
'Ere! What's all this then?
Wow! Bono!  Or should I say, Mr. Hewson?  I'm your biggest fan!
I heard you from the hallway.  I must say, I'm really insulted that I wasn't included in your list.
Matthew?  Where'd you go?
Yoo-hoo!  Down here!

 

by r2_d2
4-24-04
Sometimes I think this entire state was named after the dog.

 

by r2_d2
4-25-04
This time, Matt sings:
I don't want your / Photograph! / I don't need your / Photograph!
All I've got is a / Photograph! / I wanna touch you!
And thanks to Photoshop™, you can look just like Heidi Klum!  Now I really wanna touch you!
It's a good thing I don't have a mouse—his right hand is gonna be pretty busy.

 

by r2_d2
4-25-04
Lawrence v. Texas recently overruled Bowers v. Hardwick, and held that homosexual relations are protected by Due Process.
As a result, states can no longer criminalize sodomy.  Any questions?
Just one:  Who had the bright idea to put people in prison for committing sodomy in the first place?  What's next, making suicide a capital offence?

 

by r2_d2
4-25-04
Well, it's getting late.  I'm about ready to hit the sack.
Um, okay, if that's what you really want to do.  Good night.
Hmmm... I hope he knew I just meant I was going to bed.

 

by r2_d2
4-25-04
Now to celebrate 100 comics.  Matt's in Ohio, so I know I'm safe this time.
As R2 leans in to blow out the candle, another surprise pops out:
Hello, R2.
Good morning!
Look, I know you two are engaged now, but, I was going to eat that pumpkin, until you defiled it.
Well, I'm sorry, but we were in there for almost ten minutes waiting until you got home.  What did you expect us to do in the meantime, play a game of Yahtzee™?

Showing page 2.

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