All comics by russman

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by russman
10-19-05
Hey loser. Where are you going?
i've got a date.
Yeah right. Is it with a girl?
Of course, it's with a girl. Did you think I was gay?
You know I can't really talk. This is just you expressing your own inner fears about your masculinity.
I should have stuck with the fish tank.

 

by russman
10-19-05
The art of visual story telling is an aquired skill.
Hey Buddy. Do you know where we are?
It's a skill I don't possess so I use other peoples art to express my wacky sense of humor.
You Ok. You look kind of depressed.
Well, sometimes they're funny.
Wow. That's gotta hurt.

 

by russman
10-19-05
I'd like the McBuger and the McDrink.
This isn't McDonalds you know.
Listen little Miss McAttitude, I'm just having some fun.
That will be $3.50
Aren't you forgetting something? Shouldn't you see if I want some McFries with that.
You better watch your McNuggets.

 

by russman
10-21-05
Man, it's going to be great week-end. No staff, no guests, nothing to do.
Just me, the television and the internet for the whole week-end.
Sure it's all leading up to a direct hit from a hurricane on Monday, but you take the bad with the good.

 

by russman
10-27-05
The hurricane is over.
The guests are calling they want to come back.
Is it really so wrong to have wished for just enough damage to keep us closed. It's not like I wished for anyone to get hurt.

 

by russman
10-27-05
Hey, what are you doing here?
i'm going to stab and have my way with the next person who comes in here.
That's pretty much what I was going to do. Except I was just going to scare them with this gun. I don't like blood.
Now what are we going to do?
I suppose one of us could just go hide in the ladies room.
Go ahead, I was here first.

 

by russman
10-27-05
I'm not going to the stupid convention with you this year.
Please, we had a great time last year.
Having all your little nerd friends stare at me and asking you how you ever got a girl like me is not my idea of fun.
Your feelings are not logical, you should be glad to be considered physically attractive.
How did you get me?
The mind meld is a powerful force.

 

by russman
10-28-05
It's rabbit season
No, it's duck season.
Stupid rabbit. I'm not a duck.
It's Amerca hating, pot smoking, hippie season.
Come on man, don't listen to the rabbit.
Nope, he's right. It's always hippie season around here.

 

by russman
10-28-05
Ok. Here's your chance to meet a good looking normal girl.
You look pretty good tonight. How much for a lap dance?
That went pretty well.

 

by russman
10-29-05
Deep down we are all the same.
May I help you?
We just checked in a few minutes ago. When we went upstairs we noticed it is damp on the carpet by the window.
When disaster strikes we all come together and realize what is most important.
Yes. Remember I told you that we had to clean all the carpets today because of the water that got in during the hurricane.
My husband said you would try to blame it on the hurricane. That happened days ago.
That nothing should ever inconvenience us in the least.
I called the carpet cleaner to come clean the carpets before we had power and water but he insisted that he "needed" electricity to run his machine.
So I guess we just have to live with damp carpet. Someone is getting a letter about this.

 

by russman
10-30-05
I guess it's time to put out the sacrificial pumpkin.
The kids see it, come up to my door for candy. I ignore the knocking. The kids then destroy the pumpkin.
It's cheaper than a bag of candy.

 

by russman
10-30-05
Hey, I'm here to watch the baby.
Did my wife meet you yet?
No, but my mom works with her.
Maybe we should wait until she gets here.
You think I'm too young, don't you?
Yeh, too young that's what it is.

 

by russman
10-30-05
I heard the sitter come in. Why do you still have the baby?
She's a goth freak. We can't leave the kid with her.
Come on it's just a phase , remember how weird you were at that age.
Not that weird, and I never would have let a young me watch the kid either.
Come on two weeks ago you let the dog watch him while you went to the store for cigarettes.
I wish the dog was available tonight.

 

by russman
10-30-05
Well, you must be Connie's daughter.
Hi. Your husband thinks I'm too young to watch the baby.
He doesn't think your too young. He's a afraid of you because your goth.
That's not right. It's just how I express myself.
Ok. Just promise him you are not going to sacrifice the baby.
You guys are weird.

 

by russman
10-30-05
Ok, my wife and I have decided that you are not too young to watch the baby.
Your wife said you thought I was going to kill the baby.
No. I never said that.
Sure, anyway she said I need to promise you I wouldn't kill the baby.
I'm sure everything will be fine. I really am sorry about the misunderstanding.
Ok. By the way where is the dog.

 

by russman
11-05-05
May I help You?
Yes, this place doesn't seem as nice as the place we usually stay.
I'm sorry to hear that. How come you didn't stay there this year?
We wanted to try something different.
Mission accomplished.
I'm going to write a letter about this.

 

by russman
11-06-05
My sister got me a toilet brush for my birthday. The next week she came by to see how I liked it.
I told her I liked the handle but it was kind of rough and hard to clean up.
I felt bad. But I told her I went back to using paper.

 

by russman
11-09-05
Sometimes I come to work early. I turn on all the lights but keep the doors locked.
I then walk around and carry on a heated imaginary conversation with no one.
The guests who can see me clearly through the picture window think I am crazy...Stupid guests.

 

by russman
11-10-05
Sometimes I dream of chicks
Hey man. What's your talent.
I assume I'm dreaming. So I guess I'll be a rock star.
Sometimes I dream of animals
This isn't a dream, this is my big chance.
Ok. What is your talent.
Sometimes I dream of boys.
I can put a whole carrot in my mouth.
Still not sure if it was a dream. But That rabbit was good.

 

by russman
11-13-05
And that's why you shouldn't smoke.
This concludes the official presentatation.
Pick up your buy one get one coupon on the way out. And remember if your not 18 you can take a second coupon for your legal age friend.

 

by russman
11-13-05
What a great day. I slept in. And nothing to do but watch football and eat pizza all day.
You guys might as well go read something else. Nothing to see here today.
All right, I know it won't last but couldn't you at least have let me live the fantasy for a few minutes.
Honey, your work is on the phone.

 

by russman
11-14-05
I'm here for the physical.
Of course, well, off with the clothes.
The nurse said I could keep my underwear on.
Very well. Let's begin, shall we?
After last weeks embarrassment. Dr. Joy made sure to put things back the way he found them.
Thank you.
White on top, red on bottom. White on top. Red on bottom.

 

by russman
11-14-05
I climbed into the dumpster and pulled out the culprit. I then carried it home and stuck it in my dumpster at home.
May I help You?
Yes. Something stinks in the dumpster.
The old lady's only comment was that I needed to clean the dumpster when it was emptied.
I'm sorry to hear that. It is scheduled to be emptied tomorrow.
Can't you take whatever stinks out of it and put it somewhere else until the garbage man comes.
My car now smells bad. My wife is mad. And noone else at work either knows or cares what I did. I still hate my job.
Where else besides the dumpster should I put the garbage until the garbage man comes.
I don't know but I didn't come on vacation to smell garbage.

 

by russman
11-14-05
Who are these guys?
Man, would you quit messing with that thing.
I'm trying to get it working and bust us out of here.
Why are they being held?
It's a toy. That's why they let you keep it.
I suppose you have a better plan.
I don't now they're just random charactors placed in a random situation to make a pretty lame joke.
No, I got nothing. Which makes it only 100 times better than yours.
Maybe it's a communicator. Beam me up Scotty.

 

by russman
11-17-05
I'd like the bacon ranch salad with the grilled chicken.
What are you saying ? Do you think I work here?
Well you are behind the counter.
I am a trained chef, why would I work here?
Sorry.
That's OK. Now what would you like to drink.

 

by russman
11-17-05
Tomorrow is the annual meeting for my resort.
My job is to make sure the board members get credit for all the good things that happened in the past year and to make sure I take all the blame for any mistakes or bad decisions.
Basically it's public butt kissing and my reward for doing it right is the opportunity to do it again next year.

 

by russman
11-17-05
You may already be a winner.
Oh no. I'm not falling for that again. Last year I spent my life savings on party supplies after I got this letter.
Yeh but what are the odds I won't win two years in a row. Let's get this party started.

 

by russman
11-20-05
Hey Man, What's up.
Come on. It's your birthday. Punch out early and lets start drinking.
I'm the manager. I don't have to punch out. I can leave whenever I want.
Cool. Let's get going.
Actually, I'm here by myself today so I can't leave until 5:00.
Isn't the whole point of being manager about having other people to manage.

 

by russman
8-11-09
This doesn't look good.
Is the lady of the house at home?
Sure, just her and a couple of chubby little tender babies.
Great.
Serves them right. Now they know how we feel at Thanksgiving.

 

by russman
8-11-09
Mr. Collins. I was just on my way to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription.
I'm just happy to see you up and about. You sounded half dead when you called in sick this morning.
I'm feeling much better now, I'll be in first thing in the morning.
Make it about 11. That will give payroll time to cut you your final check.
I guess maybe I stilll feel a little sick after all.
You might want to pick up that prescription now. I'll be canceling your insurance as soon as I get back.

 

by russman
8-12-09
Both Ted and Death were drawn to scenes of potential tragedy.
Death knows that everything happens in its own time.
Ted often chooses to take a somewhat more active role in the outcome.

 

by russman
8-13-09
Hey Toby. You ready to get this over with.
It should be OK. She sounded good on the phone.
Man, you know how she is. She'll just be complaining because we don't visit her enough.
Once she sees this. I don't think she'll be complaining about anything.
Why would Mom be impressed because you brought condoms.
I meant this. Wow, that would have been awkward.

 

by russman
8-14-09
Hello, again.
Oh, hi.
That was just a misunderstanding in the playground.
I really wasn't paying any attention.
Sometimes I forget that I'm wearing a kilt.
Maybe, you should wear underwear with that.

 

by russman
8-15-09
Andy loves his job.
I wish I could sleep with my eyes open.
Andy's wife made tuna fish for his lunch.
2 more hours until lunch.
Andy's thoughts are his own.
My left ear tickles. I'll scratch it after I count to one hundred and thirty.

 

by russman
8-16-09
Kirk normally didn't allow the crew shore leave on Whore Planet.
Hello Miss. Have you scene several other men dressed like me around here .
Yeah. They owe me $10000 they said you would pay it when you got here.
Bones had a lot of spunk for an old guy.
I didn't bring my wallet. I'll have the money beamed down to you.
You might want to send down a little extra. The one called Bones wanted to go around the world
Sulu was a constant test for the don't ask don't tell policy.
Beam me up Scotty.
And you can take that Chinese guy with you. I don't think he even likes girls.

 

by russman
8-17-09
I see they finally locked you up.
Just get me out of here.
What are you in here for anyway? Killing babies and young mothers?
Something like that.
It said lewd and lascivious with a minor on the internet.
I was going to drink his blood next.

 

by russman
8-18-09
Well Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
So don't do that.
Get ready, you are about to feel a little prick.
Said the Doctor to every girlfriend he ever had.
I guess it wasn't so little after all.
That's what she said.

 

by russman
8-19-09
I'm sure this guy won't even appreciate the effort.
Did you save my wife and kids.
I'm sorry Sir. I just couldn't carry them
Those little kids kept grabbing at me and scaring Flufffy.
Where did you find that, we don't have a cat.
This is mine.
He probably won't even be thankful that I kept his dog from getting outside without its leash.
You brought your cat to the fire and left my family to die while you held on to it.
She gets cranky if I leave her home alone.

 

by russman
8-20-09
Where are you going Mr. Turkey?
I'm leaving little girl. You should come with me.
Why are you leaving?
Because Your father is a sick cruel man.
Sara wouldn't tell Mr. Turkey but she rather enjoyed what her father had done to Mr. Cow. And she was very excited about what her father had told her he intended to do with Mr. Turkey.
He's just a cook.
Did you see what that "cook" did to Mr. Cow.

 

by russman
8-22-09
What a beautiful day for a walk.
Oh, the glory and wonder of this God created planet.
Shut up and help me find a soul to steal.
Who would trade this wonderful existence to make a deal with you and end up in the firey pits of Hell.
I seem to remember a certain little gray robot taking me up on my offer many years ago.
It was raining and I thought I might rust.

 

by russman
8-22-09
Jerry had been saving his money for months for this night.
She's been gone a long time.
After two hours Jerry began to feel uneasy.
How long does it take to pick up your friend and come back for a threesome,
In two more hours Jerry will figure out where he went wrong.
I mean I paid her up front and let her use my car.

 

by russman
8-23-09
Open your eyes my son. All shall observe as their lifes deeds both evil and good are judged.
Oh, my son you have surely disappointed and fell far short of the glory of God.
I will now remove the organ that so often caused you to make the wrong choices.

 

by russman
8-24-09
Ross didn't think his hosting job should be limited to the front of the house.
Seating for one, no waiting.
It was a very specialized Karoake club
My eyes adored you
Raol considers the bathroom attendents job the first rung on his road to stardom.
I just flew in from Chicago, boy are my arms tired. Come back soon I'll be here all week.

 

by russman
8-25-09
Do you have to be here while I do this.
I'm required to observe and make sure the fluids are your own.
You realize I'm here to give a sperm sample.
You realize I'm not a doctor.
I Think I'll come back another tme.
Will you really?

 

by russman
8-26-09
My Mom gave me a dark plastic bag full of water for my birthday.
It was warm and salty but it was a gift so I drank it anyway.
I found this at the bottom of the bag I think it might have been the gift. We played flop on the floor for a few minutes and then it quit working. I'm looking to see if it needs batteries or something

 

by russman
8-27-09
Hey Dude, what are you in for?
I stole a car and took the cops on a high speed chase. What about you?
Got caught knocking over a Brinks truck.
Perfect. Remember to stick to that story.
I can't believe I let you talk me into to doing it at a rest stop.
What part of sticking to the story do you not understand?

 

by russman
8-28-09
Visiting your mom on her birthday. Zero Dollars.
Happy Birthday Mom.
Oh Russ, you shouldn't have.
Telling her you couldn't afford a gift this year. Zero Dollars.
I didn't. I just couldn't afford anything this year.
That's OK. Seeing you is better than getting a gift certificate in the mail again this year.
Sharing a meal at Outback and trying to borrow $20 for gas to get home. Priceless.
That's sort of why I'm here. Do you happen to have any those you haven't used? I thought maybe we could go to dinner.
Let me check my purse.

 

by russman
8-30-09
Our you here about the job too?
Yeah, I'm here about the job. C'mon I'm a turkey why do I need a job?
I was just asking. You don't need to get all smart about it.
Sorry man. So what kind of job are you here for anyway? Ninja assassin?
Accounts payable and part time reception.
Well good luck. I'm off to the swimming pool.

 

by russman
8-30-09
Being ignored didn't bother Sam.
Spare change for food .
What is this city becoming?
Being verbally abused hurt but he was used to it.
I need money for a bus ticket home.
Get a job.
He felt very vulnerable and though he knew it probably wouldn't matter he wished he had wore his pants.
Nice cat Mister.
Oh kitty, it looks like Daddy is gonna have some fun tonight.

 

by russman
8-31-09
Hello there, Young Man is your Mom home.
Hi Mr. Klitz. What do you want my mom for?
We have some unfinished busines from last years class.
Why, I got a solid "D" in your class last year.
Did you ever see Forest Gump. Your mother loves you very much young man.
Eww. And only for a "D". Mom must think I'm really dumb.

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