All comics by seattlesque

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by seattlesque
9-19-04
6" TV rabbit ears slightly bent $40
I thought he would be smaller. Double quotes means inches, not feet. And those ears are more than just slightly bent.
C'mon. A transvestite rabbit under $100 is a deal at any size.

 

by seattlesque
9-20-04
Look fred, my weekend was fine, ok? And for the last freakin' time, my name isn't *bread*, it's brad.
Mornin' boob, how was your weekend?
That does it! You're fired!

 

by seattlesque
9-20-04
There are some sacrifices no secret agent is expected to make...
Muhaha! You're just in time 0004! I can try my baldness formula on you, before I unleash it on the world!
No! Please! I'll tell you everything! Don't touch my hair!
...while others...
If you expect to get the secret plans, we'll be needing to hit the sack!
I'm sorry. Although you are amazingly hot, I'm afraid that premarital sex is against my religion.
That does it! You're fired!

 

by seattlesque
9-20-04
When the bottom fell out of the porn industry, Joey tried screenwriting for Universal Studios. He managed to eke his way through...
...wait a second, it says here "money shot", but they don't rob the bank until scene 20...
...until the stress of a big project...
We couldn't get Steven King's writing, but we managed to license his characters.
That does it! You're fired!

 

by seattlesque
9-20-04
But hot and cold water come out of the tap at our office already.
Hmmm. Good point. I guess you don't really need one.
I heard that filtered water isn't actually any healthier than filtered water.
It probably isn't, I mean I sell these things...but I sure wouldn't want one in my house.
That does it! You're fired!

 

by seattlesque
9-20-04
Hot and cold water come out of the tap at our office.
Hmmm. Good point.
I heard that filtered water isn't actually any healthier.
It probably isn't, I mean I sell these things...but I sure wouldn't want one in *my* house.
That does it! You're fired!

 

by seattlesque
9-20-04
That does it! You're fired!
That does it! You're fired!
That does it! You're fired!

 

by seattlesque
9-20-04
The department is overstaffed, and I'm going to have to either let you or Linda go.
Gene, I will give you 110%, and I can work overtime on the Zimmerman contract.
Linda...
I have Billy Ray Cyrus tickets.
That does it! You're fired!

 

by seattlesque
9-20-04
Nate was always the office clown...
Wearing your underwear as a mask. Very funny. Get back to your desk.
But sometimes, he went too far...
You murdered my family, hilarious. Get back to...wait, is that MY underwear?
That does it! You're fired!

 

by seattlesque
9-24-04
Jesus Christ, I hate my mechanic! I know nothing about cars, and I end up having to take his word for everything!
I feel your pain.
Earlier that day...
How can you possibly justify these astronomical fees?

 

by seattlesque
9-24-04
Which joke are you working on now?
The one about Osama Bin Laden, the goat, and four stolen surface-to-air missiles.
How much longer until you have a punchline?
So long as nothing distracting happens, I'll have it in one more frame. Otherwise it might take two.

 

by seattlesque
9-28-04
That's that.
I find it hard to believe that's your last game of FreeCell. Isn't it pretty much all you do these days?
Yep, now I'm down to just one thing: taking showers and fretting.
That's two things.
Not when done simultaneously.
That reminds me, I need to talk to you about the water bill.

 

by seattlesque
9-28-04
We join the 3-Can gourmet, already in progress...
Remember that patience definitely pays off when you're preparing the vegetables!
When we're finished, we'll be grinding the carrots into a fine puree!
The corn will be turned into a tasteful chowder...
The peas will make an excellent split pea soup!
...or we could scrap the whole plan and just eat the mixed vegetables as they are instead of trying to separate them out.
...or your lazy ass could stop letting peas get into the carrot pile.

 

by seattlesque
10-03-04
ooohhh oooh aaah oooh aaah!
Not sure, but I think Gene Monkey's response indicates he is not serious about restoring Earth's atmosphere.
oooh oooh aah aah TAX aah ahh?
Contrary to what my opponent said, I'm not strictly *against* cutting taxes. But I think it pales in importance to the atmosphere issue.
[grunts, dung flinging from audience]
I recall the famous 21st century tagline: "If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."

 

by seattlesque
10-03-04
Hey! This is funny! What do you get when you cross a blond chick with an octopus?
I'm not doubting your photoshop skills, and I'm sure it was funny. But showing tentacle porn to the department chair...
Ah, doesn't matter. I'll find another job where the management isn't so stiff.

 

by seattlesque
10-05-04
...no, it was EDEN. I'll also add that "Adam Ant" was not "kicked out of Soundgarden", because he was never even IN Soundgarden.
Okay, so I'm a little rusty on Bible stuff, but give me one more chance to get into Heaven? One more question, PLEASE?
(sigh) Fine. Who was the pagan harlot known for idolatry and fornication, also called the "painted seductress of the Old Testament"?
think, Pete, THINK!
Your mom.

 

by seattlesque
10-09-04
Let me introduce myself! I'm your evil twin, the one who drugged your husband. He made love to me thinking he was you!
Actually that WAS me!
What?!?
I drugged you as well. You see, I've looked into the hospital records, and it turns out we were switched at birth.
That means...
Yes! I was the evil twin all along!

 

by seattlesque
10-09-04
...so the good news is that even though you've been in a coma for an entire season, the baby will be fine...
Was I in some kind of accident?
...and you definitely have amnesia, although we haven't yet ruled out the possibility that you may also be possessed by demons.
Boy, I sure do hate phlegm.
That's just a side-effect of the reconstructive surgery. In fact, your appearance and voice are almost that of an entirely different actress!

 

by seattlesque
10-09-04
MURDER? But my wealthy uncle's death leaving me in charge of the family fortune was a suicide!
I'm afraid new evidence has come to light, Mr. Peterson. We believe your split personality killed him and forged the suicide note.
But I thought my split personality was locked up in the insane asylum!
Well, somehow he escaped...and he's still at large. Be sure to call me if he contacts you in any way.
After several commercial breaks...
You mean YOU could have killed my wealthy uncle (leading to his death, and me being in charge of the family fortune)?
Maybe. The doctor says my blood tests came back positive for demonic possession. Who are you, anyway?

 

by seattlesque
10-10-04
He gets down on his knees and hugs me...like he loves me...
Excuse me...
I'm working on a song, can this wait?
I couldn't help but overhear, and I'm sorry to report that John is consumed with jealousy of your post-Beatles career.
Dammit, Chapman. Now I'm stuck. Who else on earth could possibly love me like a rock?
Your mom.

 

by seattlesque
10-11-04
...Gaaaah!!! The plague was LOCUSTS, and "Paul Simon" wasn't an apostle. Moreover he was NEVER IN THE BEATLES!
C'mon, best two out of three? You gave Indy Pete another chance!
All right. Bible history is the kind of thing you should learn from sitting in church and paying attention to...
Your preacher.
Very good. And music history is the kind of thing you should learn from riding in the station wagon listening to the radio with...
Your mom.

 

by seattlesque
10-16-04
Parents say the ad campaign you conceived encourages children to imitate the stunt, causing severe bodily injury.
If they'd been drinking their Kool Aid, they'd know that brick walls are all in your mind. *Anyone* can fly through them!!!
Perhaps you'd like to demonstrate this for the folks at home?
Oh yeah, that's gotta hurt

 

by seattlesque
10-16-04
Sure you're booked? I'm going to be having dinner out on Bobby's yacht, he's a good friend of mine...and you're welcome to come.
That sounds awesome, but Jake has something mysterious planned for our anniversary. I've been preparing all week!
Later...
...a *Yello* concert? Do they even have more than one song? I can't believe your "surprise" is tickets for THIS.
Actually, tickets were a little on the pricey side. I figured if we dressed up, we could pretend to be ushers and sneak in.
Later still...
The moon! Beautiful! So! (huh huh huh) You more beauti... OH MY GOD, what happened to that usher?!?!
Oh yeah, that's gotta hurt.

 

by seattlesque
10-18-04
This machine I use was patented in '94, and other models existed before that. But back in the 50's, they actually did it by hand!
How fascinating.
Most asphalt jockeys think I have an easy job. But striping takes special knowledge of paints and reflectivity!
This certainly has been educational. I'm glad you could make it tonight.
Thanks a million for screwing up my bachelor party, Al.

 

by seattlesque
10-18-04
I get a lot of satisfaction out of putting Braille on elevator buttons. It lets me feel like I'm helping people!
Right on!
And as an added perk, on the job I meet a lot of sensitive guys who aren't just about how someone looks!
Ummm...
Hold it. So how bad are we talking here?
When it looked like you were bringing her home after dinner, why do you think I kept trying to drag you into traffic?

 

by seattlesque
10-19-04
...after the photolithography, the digital kerning in the font rendering engine was probably the hardest part.
I'd have just pulled the "m" hammer off a typewriter, and have it whack the candy as it goes by.
But what about Skittles?

 

by seattlesque
10-19-04
What I MEAN to say is, I take them out of the box...put batteries in them...and see that they run. That's all.
Ohhhh.
Funny, I guess I didn't think there would be such a job as a "vibrator tester".
Let's put it this way: it's not the sort of thing you can return to the store.
Good point.

 

by seattlesque
10-19-04
I can't believe how far that horse threw you! What happened!
Spurs are getting dull. Guess I've got to call Frank and see if he can cut me a deal.
Whoa, talk about specialization! I can't believe you know a guy who sharpens spurs!
No, Frank works at the factory inflating tires on wheelcha...wait. Didn't Christopher Reeves, like, DIE recently?
Now that you mention it, I do think I remember reading that.
Oooh. Darn. Hmmm. Then yeah, Frank's a spur sharpener, I guess.

 

by seattlesque
10-31-04
For "Best following contest directions in a series comic," the award goes to:
quodlibet (or is that French, quodlib-ay?) for "On a Roll"
The "Most promising comedic premise" award goes to:
80_Million_Fleas, for an irate robot consumer reaction to Nintendo's admission that R.O.B. was just a glorified action figure.
In the "It's funny because it's true" category, the winner is:
EvilZak, for observing that Beggin' Strips are already sold on no more of a premise than "dogs eat anything".

 

by seattlesque
10-31-04
In the always-competitive category of "Best Catch Phrase", we have:
"Buy a Pinto - Piss of a terrorist!", courtesy of biped.
The "Not entering to win" category was swept by dcomposed.
Fucking Hammer.
Kaufman couldn't be here tonight, so accepting the first place CC263 award in his place is Honorable Ninja.
Would not be honorable ninja if I not say your contest was overconstrained.

 

by seattlesque
11-01-04
It's Halloween. Why aren't you wearing a costume.
I don't celebrate holidays anymore.
Their cyclical nature only drives home the diminishing quality of my redundant life.
All righty then.
Although if I live through Arbor Day, I plan chop down a tree.

 

by seattlesque
11-05-04
Which is funnier, the left character or the right character?
Mr. Clean had a full schedule today. I'm Mr. Dirty, and I'll be filling in for him.
Ima FAg then I'll stickit tittyfucker haha fuck you
Which is funnier, the left character or the right character?
lookat my hary PUSSY I'm gonna rape ya with a STICK dildo!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Dirty had a full schedule today. I'm Mrs. Clean, and I'll be filling in for her.
The same characters are used on the left and right for each frame: spankling1 and then witch-r.
Weren't you booked up today? Just leave me alone, I'm trying to figure out if F is funnier than M.

 

by seattlesque
11-05-04
Pssst...I can't figure out #256321! "asiangirl1-2 is to bird-l as news-2 is to _______."
Why don't you try visualizing it?
Ah screw it. I'm just going to leave it blank.

 

by seattlesque
11-05-04
No, not according to the book. "Obscurity makes them funny. By contrast, better-known particles (such as those carrying electric charge) lack intrinsic humor."
Who cares, I hate the verbal section anyway. How about we move on to math questions?
Well, all right. "Stripcreator comics contain 3 panels. You've used 1 panel for an introduction, and 1 panel for a set-up..."
All right, I'm with you so far.
"...using photos of tribal women from National Geographic and an upside-down calculator, compute the punch line to the nearest whole number."
5318008. Geesh, even third graders could do that one.

 

by seattlesque
11-05-04
Humor is a completely subjective thing. How can it be *quantified*?
As if comedians can sit up there atop their Ivory soap piles, handing out numbers saying what we should laugh at. That's preposterous!
If you're worried about your scores, relax. It isn't even a real test, it's just a joke.
Well it certainly isn't funny.

 

by seattlesque
11-05-04
ANSWER KEY: Both goats and devils have horns, literally, on the top of their heads. Sacrificing goats is also an aspect of Satanism, making Hell an appropriate context.
All right! Score one for team goat!
D'oh! If I'd only looked in a mirror, I'd have had this one.
ANSWER KEY: Widely-publicized molestation cases suggest priests are made sexually "horny" by young boys. Police would presumably intervene at some point.
What?!? Couldn't the cars just honk, or something?!?
I owned *this* one all the way.
ANSWER KEY: In the now-extinct Massalat language, "fee-lung horr-nay" is equivalent to what would mean--in English--"Monkey General on Your Anus".
But bananas ARE phallic! How many ethnographic linguists read stripcreator, anyway?
You're just sore. Phallic bananas... what a Neanderthal!

 

by seattlesque
11-08-04
I M GOIN 2 RAPP U!!!111
Oh no!
Gosh. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to rub it in. I should be more sensitive.
No, no, I'm happy for you. 111 is *amazing*, I'm sure you'll get accepted. But I just feel like everyone did better on the SAT than I did.
Tune in next week when...
Whoops...sorry to get your hopes up, but your score was actually 11! Guess I missed that shift key. It happens, even to the best of us.
Damn it. Well, guess I'm going to FTC State after all. I hear their whole program is a complete joke.

 

by seattlesque
11-08-04
I M GOIN 2 RAPP U!!!111
Oh no!
Tune in next week when...
Holy crap. So what was your message *supposed* to say?
"I'VE GOT THE SALES REPORT". T9 Input ruined my career.

 

by seattlesque
11-08-04
I M GOIN 2 RAPP U!!!111
Oh no!
Tune in next week when...
A rematch, eh Mr. Ishwar Mohammed Goin? Well this time I'll beat ya *112* to 2! Rapp Underwood is in the house!
I can't let Nalinka be embarrassed in front of her friends at school. But DAMN, do I suck at bowling.

 

by seattlesque
11-09-04
I M GOIN 2 RAPP U!!!111
Oh no!
Tune in next week when...
ummm.. "Don't worry Little Green Riding Dress! It is I--the Alien Huntsman--come to save you!"
Alien *Bounty* Huntsman! I can't believe you missed rehearsal Saturday. We waited for HOURS.

 

by seattlesque
11-09-04
I M GOIN 2 RAPP U!!!11!
Oh no!
What do you mean "oh no"? Eleven factorial is a tremendous number...
...yes, but I know the programmers who wrote Rapp University's admission software.
Tune in next week when...
A zero?!? How can that be?!?
We figured Stripcreator Aptitude Test scores are actually just IQ scores, so a byte was considered sufficient. Sorry.

 

by seattlesque
11-09-04
Is that so? Well, I'd like to see you try!
I stand corrected.
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

 

by seattlesque
11-09-04
You were doin' crack with Santa, and he lost it?!?! Oh, come on...like you couldn't handle him...
I don't think you understand. The guy's an animal. He ripped off my antlers, kicked me in the nuts fifteen times, threw me in the ice fields and left me there to die.
I could send that tub of lard to the I.C.U. in a heartbeat, and I can't even move.
Is that so? Well, I'd like to see you try!
I stand corrected.
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

 

by seattlesque
11-10-04
I am completely serious.
Come on, man! A snowman EMT drug dealer?!?! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.
Laugh all you want, pinko. But I can give you the hookup.
Is that so? Well, I'd like to see you try!
I stand corrected.
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

 

by seattlesque
11-10-04
Unisom is practically baby aspirin, and Carbon Monoxide emissions have been reduced in modern cars. You'll never kill yourself that way.
Yes I can.
Is that so? Well, I'd like to see you try!
I stand corrected.
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

 

by seattlesque
11-10-04
Accusations of bias on the Stripcreator Aptitude Test run rampant.
He eats the lasagna, or there's no lasagna and he doesn't. Everyone knows how to make fun of that. Easy target.
Question not fair! No syndicated Garfield on Planet XJ6-GR! Only get Cathy and Dilbert, and Dilbert not even FUNNY!
The controversy rages on, bringing racial hostilities to the surface.
I don't see how you can say THAT one is racially biased. On the contrary, isn't it a question about *your* people?
Whoa whoa there..."*MY* people"? What's THAT supposed to mean? Like if one of us crosses a road, all of us do?
Still, like every other standardized test, small Asian girls score best.
We study hardest every night, show up earliest...and always get in before other characters do.
They so lazy!

 

by seattlesque
11-10-04
ass
That's "Mister" Two-Headed-PINK-ass to you!
[sniffle] Why doesn't he like us?
Maybe it wasn't meant as an insult. He could have been describing the way tobacco smells, and wants Stripcreator to be a designated non-smoking website.
I stand corrected.
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

 

by seattlesque
11-12-04
At first it was amazing! There were decadent cups filled with birdseed...loads of scantily dressed women...
Then just as things were heating up...it got painful, and I felt greasy. The whole scene had turned from a chicken brothel into...
...chicken BROTH? Oh come on, you made that dream up.
It's uncanny, isn't it?

 

by seattlesque
11-12-04
I had this terrible nightmare!
Really? Tell me.
I'd mysteriously metamorphosized into a salesman! My whole family turned their backs on me.
Holy crap!
As if I weren't low enough on the karmic totem pole already.
Why don't you eat a few balls of dung and try to forget about the whole nasty affair?

 

by seattlesque
11-12-04
Who are you supposed to be?
Your... worst... nightmare!!!
My worst nightmare involves Snuffy Snuffleupagus, the "Saturday Night Fever" sound track, and four jars of mayonnaise.
Then think of me as a "gritty hero who foils your evil plan" or "armed man who makes you perform unspeakable sex acts" kind of nightmare guy.
What is this all about? I don't even *have* an evil plan!
Now that we have that settled...

Showing page 2.

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