All comics by theburninator

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by theburninator
10-09-03
Dubya gets four more years...
Sir, how do you plan on dealing with the North Korean situation?
Bring it on, you pussies!
Several years, and a few law amendments later...
President Schwarzenegger, how do you feel about your up-coming re-election strategy?
I'll be back.
Oh sweet Christ!
Hi, this is President Falwell...

 

by theburninator
10-10-03
Jim thought the wildlife had seemed a bit more aggressive lately.
Maybe it's just me.

 

by theburninator
10-14-03
I think that Affirmative Action is a disgrace to the very principles America is founded on.
Well, I can see your point, but I must disagree.
You must disagree? Then you must die.
Whoa, is that real?! Put that thing away, man!
Take note of Jerry's example and choose your opponent wisely. Some people take things waaay too seriously.

 

by theburninator
10-14-03
Homosexuality is not a choice. It's something we're born with.
I disagree.
You can disagree all you want, but you can't go on ignoring the facts forever.
"When you have no argument, abuse the plaintiff."
Fag.

 

by theburninator
10-14-03
The Red Herring fallacy:
President Bush should never have invaded Iraq. There was no reason for him to do so.
But what about 9/11?!
The Non Sequitur fallacy:
Women make less money than men, but do the same work and acheive the same results.
Yeah, but Venus is rising in Polaris.
The Tu Qouque (You Also) fallacy:
Marijuana should be legalized, because it would save police funds for real criminals; murderers, etc.
Well of course you would say that...because you're a fucking pothead!

 

by theburninator
10-14-03
Therefore, the right to a safe, legal abortion is a necessity.
But you're killing innocent babies!
Uh...I already adressed that issue. Forty five minutes ago.
But what about the babies?! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!
Whatever. I'm leaving.
Aha! You bow before my superior reasoning capabilities!

 

by theburninator
10-14-03
I'm going to have an omelete.
Wrong. You perceive that you MAY have an egg dish...but you may not, as I may burn it. Ergo, you would have a burnt omelete.
I'll just go somewhere else.
Wrong again! See...

 

by theburninator
10-15-03
Welcome to Hell. What did you do to deserve such eternal torment?
I slaughtered and ate my parents. And I raped my dog.
You're scary.
Your neck looks delicious.

 

by theburninator
10-02-05
It begins!!

 

by theburninator
10-02-05
But first, a little background...
Butch, I don't know about you, but I'm sick of this whole "life" thing.
I know what you mean, Dave.
Wanna bring about Doomsday?
Yeah, that'll work.

 

by theburninator
10-02-05
So, how should we go about this Armageddon business?
Well, we could steal some nukes and bomb every major city in the world. That would do the trick.
Nah... too cliche.
Yeah, you're right.
Where are you going?
The world's going to end, so I'm going to go fuck one last altar boy.

 

by theburninator
10-02-05
Alright, we're good. Let's get this show on the road.
We still haven't decided how we're going to End It All yet, though.
Oh right, yeah. Um... Oh, I know!
Yeah?
Let's go get wasted.
Yeah, let's do this thing the right way.

 

by theburninator
10-02-05
Sho, here's what we do, see - we steal some nukes *hic*, and we bomb *hic* uh... we, we bomb the uh... where was I?
You were shaying shomething about some movie that bombed... that movie Armageddon, I think. Yeah, that movie sucked.
Hey, is that girl checking me out?
Yeah. Go talk to her.
Hey, I'm Butch. I'm going to bring about the Apocolypse. Wanna fuck?
That's a hell of a pickup line if I ever heard one. Yeah, let's go.

 

by theburninator
10-02-05
You awake now?
You don't have to yell at me! Oohhh, my head... Hey, where's that chick I picked up last night?
She's gone. And so's your wallet.
Dammit. Well, this looks like a good day for Armageddon, so let's get to it. Did we figure out how we're going to do it yet?
Well, I was totally trashed last night, and I don't know what happened, but when I woke up, I found thirty seven nuclear warheads in my garage, so...
Sweet.

 

by theburninator
10-02-05
Not to mention, The End of The End

 

by theburninator
10-03-05
Well, doc, some days I just feel like there's no point in going on, you know? Like I should just end it all.
And some days, I feel like I'm king of the world!
So what's wrong with me?
Damned if I know. Here's a prescription for Prozac. Please leave my sight.

 

by theburninator
10-03-05
Gordon doses up.
Six hours later.
These are... some... good pills...

 

by theburninator
10-04-05
I just bought these glasses. They're supposed to be X-Ray capable.
Do they work?
Sweet.
Well?

 

by theburninator
10-04-05
Let's beat each other up for fun.
Alright.
Crap, we're the same dude.
I'm everything you wish you were.
You met me at a very strange time in my life.

 

by theburninator
10-04-05
Here, you left your pills at my house the other day. Can I have a few of them?
Oh, thanks. Yeah, go ahead and have some.
Man... these are pretty nice with a few beers...
Aren't they, though? What month is this?

 

by theburninator
10-04-05
Do you know anything about telepathy?... Darn.
Do you know anything about telepathy?... Darn.
Whoa.
Do you know anything about telepathy?

 

by theburninator
10-04-05
Nice tits! What's your number, babe?
Fuck.

 

by theburninator
10-04-05
You know, if I wasn't so sure that you're a lesbian, I'd totally hit on you right now.
Dude, I'm a guy.

 

by theburninator
10-05-05
Psst... One of us has got to make a joke.
I like... this... wallpaper...

 

by theburninator
10-05-05
Shit, where the hell am I?
What the fuck?...
Ah, there we go.
That's more like it.

 

by theburninator
10-06-05
I'm standing at the site of a tragic accident which left one man horrifically disfigured. I'm told that he has been rushed to the hospital to undergo experimental reconstructive surgery.
Gentlemen... We have the technology. We can rebuild him.
Doctor, I'm from your financial backing company. I wanted to inform you that your allocated budget is... somewhat less than what you may have expected. But good luck!
Goddammit.

 

by theburninator
10-06-05

 

by theburninator
11-22-05
Sucky, sucky, fi... Oh. Nevermind.
Shit.

 

by theburninator
11-19-07
At a party; Anytown, USA.
Hey dudes, I'm back.
...When did you leave?
Who are you?

 

by theburninator
11-20-07
Steve, do you have your half of this month's rent?
Yeah... Well, I'll have it friday when I get paid. The rent's not due till Monday.
Goddammit, Steve! I don't want to wait till the last minute and risk being late again! You got paid last friday, why didn't you just save the money then, you asshole?!
Because Mike had some amazing weed. Wanna get high?
Ok, fair enough. Yeah, light it up.

 

by theburninator
11-20-07
How was the first day at your new job, dude?
Oh man, I was slammed all day.
That's harsh. You said you're a cook, right?
Yeah, that's one of the words we use when the restaurant's really busy.
Gotcha.
I'm joking. Actually, I'm a prostitute.

 

by theburninator
11-21-07
Goddammit, I swear I had one left... Hey, Steve, do you have any cigarettes?
Steve's not here, man.
Who the hell are you?
Your nicotine-deprivation-induced hallucination. Name's Fred.
Nice to meet you, Fred. Listen, don't take this wrong, but can I smoke you?
Yeah, baby, you know you want to.

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
8:05 a.m., 5/31/2060. Monday. Kurt and John, cooks, teak a break at work.
Hey, Kurt, how's it going?
Not bad, except the fact that it's hotter than hell in that kitchen.
Yeah, well it usually is.
But it's even worse today. And the A/C isn't even broken!
Damn. Well, so, uh... did you happen to notice all the people that vanished into thin air around 7:45?
No, I've been here since 6:30. Catch the game last night?

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
Dude, um, I think you should come out to the bar and check out the news... Something kinda crazy happened, and I'm not just saying that because I'm stoned.
Dude, what if we get tickets? One of us has to stay on the line.
Dude, look out there! Do you see any freakin' customers?! That's what I've been trying to tell you - half the world's population fucking vanished!! Just like that!
...So... the dude that signs our checks is still here, right? Cause when we get paid, I want some of that shit you're smokin.

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
Nobody quite knows what has happened today, but many believe it to be the Biblical prophecy of Revelations come true; the Rapture has occurred...
Do you know what this means?...
No more Mormons!!
That's what I thought, too. But my neighbor and his wives say it turns out it was a cult all along.

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
So, are we the only ones here right now?
Well, that cute waitress, Kelly, is too, but she's huddled in a corner weeping and reciting the Lord's Prayer.
Dibs.
Fuck you, I saw her first! We're gonna repopulate the planet together!

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
Well, seeing as the doors here are made of cast iron, and the windows are made of bulletproof glass, we should be pretty safe from the rioters and looters.
Who knew that working in a place that used to be a coke dealer's legitimate front would pay off?
I guess there's only one thing to do now.
What's that?
Get stoned and eat all the steak we want for free.
You are some kinda goddamn genius, I swear.

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
8:05 a.m., Tuesday, 6/1/60.
Did you ever read that crappy book Left Behind? It was like a fictional account of the End Times of Christian mythology.
Dude, why would I have read a book you yourself just described as crappy?
Nevermind, it was rhetorical. My point is, I read it once, so I think I know basically what's going to happen in the next few days.
What kind of fag reads Christian fiction?

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
Goddammit, Steve, did you eat all the Ritz crackers again?!
I forget. But was it not I that supplied the beer for the household tonight?
Well, tuh, yeah, but!... Oh fuck you. You win.
It's ok, Barry.
You know, you're a great roommate, Steve.
Yeah, cool, well listen; as long as you're going to the store for Ritz, could you pick up some beer? I just drank the last four.

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
So, even though this seems like totally the wrong time... I really wish Kelly would quit doing Hail Marys so I could flirt with her.
Dude, I'm thinking that would be kind of like it was for my granddad, when he hit on this girl on September 12, 2001.
Hmm.. I see your point.
Still, she looks so hot crying and telling Jesus how sorry she is for giving Kenny a handjob.
I hate Kenny. What a fucking douche.

 

by theburninator
11-22-07
Hey, buddy, what're you listening to?
Radiohead's Amnesiac.
Oh, cool.
So, like, the same album you've been listening to for like, four days now?
I... just got my... prescription... filled... Amazing... album...

 

by theburninator
11-23-07
What in the world was that?!
Oh, Kelly! You've stopped repenting! Well, I believe that that was an earthquake just now. Kurt went to the kitchen to make sure the pizza oven still works.
Um, so... you and Kurt are the only other people that made it to work today?
Yup.
Oh. Wonderful.
So, uh, Kelly... What are you doing tonight?

 

by theburninator
11-23-07
Hey Kelly! How's it goin'?
How's it going?! Most of my friends and family just disappeared from the face of the Earth!! How do you think it's going?!
Oh... not so good, I guess, huh?
So what are you doing tonight?
Hey, back off, asshole! Kelly and I were talking!

 

by theburninator
11-25-07
Well, Kelly's back in the corner for another round of "Forgive-Me-Lord"s.
Yeah. Fuck. Now I don't have anyone... er, anything to do tonight. This sucks.
Need I remind you there's enough alcohol in this place to euthanize a herd of rhinos?
Barkeep! Shots for everyone! On me!

 

by theburninator
11-27-07
8:05 a.m., Sunday, 6/6/60.
Dude, what friggin time is it? We've been drinking for a while.
I dunno, man. Turn on the t.v., maybe someone on there knows.
...The Anti-Christ has crowned himself Supreme Ruler of Earth and declared that all news broadcasts will be stopped immediat-
Nah, they were no help. Wanna do a beer bong?
Sweet.

 

by theburninator
11-27-07
You guys are still drunk?! You do know that we're living in the End Times, don't you?!
What's your point, Kelly?
What's my point?! What's my - well... I mean... You know... God... um...
Fuck, I don't know. Give me a margarita.
Now you're talking. So what are you doing tonight?

 

by theburninator
11-28-07
So, I've never really gotten to know you, Kelly. I mean, we've always had the classic cook/server antagonism, and never had time to really talk.
Yeah, well, you were always too busy screaming at me and my friends to pick up the food before it got cold... I guess we never had time to "chat."
Well, now that the world is ending, I guess we have plenty of time to talk, huh?
Yeah, well, you and Kurt are the only people in the world that I have any contact with, so I guess so.
So, uh... You wanna have sex?
Wow. How romantic. But, you know, what?... I'm drunk and the Anti-Christ has risen to power, so... Yeah, whip it out, big boy.

 

by theburninator
11-28-07
Ooh, Kelly... that feels amazing...
Mmmmf
Oh my god, John, don't stop! That feels so good!
Mmmmf
We hope you have enjoyed this preview. To order Strip-e-Max, contact your cable provider. This strip has been scrambled to protect underage viewers.

 

by theburninator
11-28-07
John?
Oh Kelly!... Ohhh....
John! Wake up, asshole!
Ooohhh, Kelly!
Guh! What? Where am I?
You're at work, you fag! And we're in the middle of a rush, what the fuck are you doing sleeping in the bar?! Get back on the line! I'm up to my ass in orders, motherfucker!

 

by theburninator
11-28-07
9:05 a.m., Monday, 5/31/60.
So... it was all a dream? The world isn't really ending? The Rapture didn't really occur? Kelly and I didn't really have sex?
Dude, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but if anyone's banging Kelly, it's gonna be me.

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