All comics by tsekub

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by tsekub
12-11-06
Wanna go get communion, Friday?
Naw, doll. You go ahead, I'll be here waiting.
Why? Don't you want to receive the flesh of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?
Uh... no... uh... I'm uhhh... allergic to communion bread.
Hahaha. You're such a wimpy little herbivore.
Keep talking babe, and you're gonna have a wimpy little sex life.

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
Hello, name's Abe Lester. Nice to meet you. Are you here for the full-time position or the internship?
Hi, Seth Cohen. Nice to meet you too. I'm here for the internship...
That's nice. That's great. Superb.
I agree.
Excellent. Marvelous. Fabulous. Quite awesome indeed.
... yeah.

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
Well, Louis, this internship is a great opportunity to get acquainted with the company.
Seth.
Sorry? What?
It's Seth, sir. Not Louis?
Oh, right. Seth. So as I was saying, this internship is amazing. Isn't my office sweet?
wtf..

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
The internship is part-time, 20 hours a week. It's unpaid.
All right. Do most interns go on to full-time positions in the company?
Well, I wish I could say that. Unfortunately, most realise they would waste their lives in a cubicle, and become hippies or rock stars. Or both.
Did I just say that out loud? I meant to say most interns love the company but we train them so well they get bidded away by other companies, cause we pay crap. Uh... I mean...
All you had to say was "no".

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
Anyway, tell me about yourself... why do you want to work at Lester Services?
Well, I'm looking for experience in the field of finance and global marke--
Let me stop you right there, cowboy. As an intern, you're going to be filing papers and answering the phone.
Go on.
This interview sucks.

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
I see you're a junior in undergrad. We usually only take Masters students. Not to say that I would exclude you from consideration.
Okay.
Interns usually work in this office. He's an intern over there at the copier. She's an intern, that girl going into the bathroom.
Yeah... she's an intern. Going into the bathroom. In my company's office.
Holy mother of God.

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
Well, Simba, what do you say? Would you be interes--
Seth, sir.
Huh?
Sorry. The name's Seth.
Jesus Christ, kid. Look, the day you start work here your name is Simba. Got that, buddy?
This is the worst interview I've ever been on.

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
So, SETH... do you think you'd be interested in an internship at Lester Services?
Yes, sir. I would be quite interested. I've always dreamt of working in the zipper services industry.
Oh, you're just saying that.
No, really. I would like the opportunity to work here.
Really? You're not kidding?
Okay, I would LOVE the opportunity to work here.

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
All right, Simba, you got it. When can you start?
I'll be available May 15th. However, I'm still interviewing with other firms, so I'll have to get back to you later about this internship.
What? I thought you just said you would like to work here.
I would. But I would like to explore other avenues as well, and choose the best optio--
Liar! You rescinded on a verbal agreement. You aren't fit to work in the zipper services industry. Here we are only as good as our word!
In that case this firm must be suffering...

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
All right, look, maybe I was a bit harsh. You should explore every option first. However, I'm going to need an answer soon, because these internship spots fill up fast.
Good. When do you need my answer by?
Maybe tomorrow. Day after, tops.
Tomorrow? I have interviews all this week, and the next.
Tough luck, cowboy. I guess you don't really want to work here.
That's what I'm starting to believe.

 

by tsekub
2-15-07
Fine! Twist my arm, you have two weeks. But that's my final offer.
Thank you sir. I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
Yeah, go on, check on your other "avenues".... bah!
Um... okay. It was nice to meet you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, scoot, I have other interns to do. I mean... work to screw... ahh... dammit.
Time to freak out in the elevator.

 

by tsekub
2-23-07
Hey, kitty-cat.
Excuse me, but I prefer to be called «pussy».
PUSSY? Are you sure about that?
Absolutely positive. I find it intimidates dogs.
Really? Wow. Why?
Don't you know, Holly? All dogs are gay.

 

by tsekub
2-23-07
What the fuck are you on? All dogs are NOT gay.
Believe you me, Holly--believe you me.
How would you know that, anyway? You're not a dog.
Well, how would you know that I'm not? Are YOU a dog?
This conversation is getting too philosophical.
The word you're looking for is solipsistic.

 

by tsekub
2-23-07
Well, if getting called Pussy works for you, it doesn't really matter why it works, I guess.
Yeah, okay.
So, Pussy, do you wanna see my pussy?
I should have known that was coming.

 

by tsekub
5-06-07
I have been logged onto the internet for over 16 hours now. I think I'm going mad.
What is it that's holding your attention so intently?
I've been researching a paper for a class, and pausing every now and then to do random internet things.
Really? How about porn?
Porn? That's an interesting idea. I hadn't thought of that.
Well, am I your friend... or aren't I...

 

by tsekub
5-06-07
If you're not looking at porn when you take a break... then... what the crap are you doing?
Usually read the news, or my email, or go onto Facebook, or listen to music on Last.fm, or edit Wikipe--
Okay, okay, stop. I have no idea what you just said, but I'm pretty sure you made at least half of that up. Everyone knows there's only one thing to do on the internet, and that's porn.
...
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, son.

 

by tsekub
8-09-07
Look, fish, I don't have time for games. Just tell me where we are and i'll let you go.
Hey dude, I don't know anything. You got a question, why don't you go ask that crab over there?
Hey crab, where the fuck are we?
How should I know, son? I'm just a fucking crab.
Look, crab, the fish over there said you knew.
... and you believed him?

 

by tsekub
8-09-07
Look, crab, I'm not playing around. Now you either tell me where we are or take me to someone who does.
Well, I don't know... but maybe the wizard knows.
The wizard? You think I'm a fucking idiot?
Relax, the wizard is the one you want. He knows everything.
What the fuck is this, Oz?
Hey, I guess you figured it out yourself pretty good there, you bunny-suited bitch.

 

by tsekub
8-09-07
Okay, crab, you win. Take me to your stupid wizard.
Right this way, bunny-man.
My name is Benedict, crab.
*cough* You are a fucking pussy. *cough*
I heard that, you little piece of slut clit.
Just shut the fuck up and walk.

 

by tsekub
8-09-07
Hey Jesus! What's crackin', my nigga?
Hey, fish homie. Gime some high five action. Peachy fresh.
Christ, you suck at that. Just quit while you're ahead.
Awe shucks. I tried.
Anyway, there's this guy in a bunny suit that doesn't know where he is... maybe you should help him out.
A guy in a bunny suit? This is gonna be a good one.

 

by tsekub
8-09-07
Hi there, wizard. Look, that crab over yonder told me you'd know where it is that we is at.
Why yes, you must be Benedict... that's a nice... bunny suit.
Right. Listen, wizard, hurry up and tell me where the fuck we are before I rip you in half. Please.
Hold on, Benedict. My name is Jesus, and this is Heaven.
That's quite enough out of you. You better start acting like you know what the fuck you're saying.
Okay, just kidding. We're in a Hollywood set. We found you passed out on the director's chair this morning.

 

by tsekub
8-09-07
What are Jesus and that dude in the bunny suit talking about?
Fuckt if I know. I think the bunny-man is lost or something--
HOLY SHIT CRAB, WHY THE FUCK IS THE BUNNY MAN TRYING TO KILL JESUS??
Hmmm... good question...
Should we go help?
Nah, this is fun.

 

by tsekub
1-04-12
*GASP!* *GASP!* STOP MOVING SO THAT I CAN KILL YOU PROPERLY!
Benedict, you can't kill me. I am your Lord and Savior. And besides, we're all dead up here in heaven.
What? I'm dead??
That's what I've been trying to tell you. Verily I say unto you, blessed are the meek, for they shall inh--
I knew it. You're one of those door-to-door Bible salesmen. Your white suit threw me off for a while.
Oh, boy.

 

by tsekub
1-04-12
Okay look, wizard, it's been real funny for you I'm sure, but I have a lot of shit to do, people to kill, you know. So if you don't tell me what I want to know right now I'm going to--
Hang on, Benedict. Gabe, can you come here for a sec?
Gabe, show Benedict around for a while, will you? Also, text Satan and make sure he's not missing a guy called Benedict. Oh, and I forgot my dry cleaning, do you mind getting that? Oh and aaalsooo...
Jesus! No wonder Lucifer got the fuck out!
So how's it going, bunny-boy?
Shut up, crab.

 

by tsekub
1-04-12
Hey precious, what did the wizard tell you? Did you find out where we are?
No, he's ignoring me--why the fuck am I talking to you? I NEED ANSWERS YOU FUCKWADS!
Listen, faggotron, while you're waiting for Gabe to bleach the wizard's asshole, you could talk to Charlie.
Fuck you, crab. Who the fuck is Charlie?
Charlie is a unicorn.
Oh, right. Of course.

 

by tsekub
1-04-12
Charlie is a magical unicorn. He's very smart. Maybe he knows where we are.
You must think I'm an idiot. Why are you helping me, crab? Do you want to drag me off somewhere and chop me to bits? Fuck you!
You guessed it, sweetcheeks. Fuck you, clitsucker. I don't need to help you. I'm going to talk to Charlie myself.
You piece of shit. Get the fuck out of here.
That cock-weasel.

 

by tsekub
1-04-12
Fine, you win, crab! Take me to your fucking unicorn.
Just follow me, assface. He's nearby.
Look, I told you my name is Benedict, crab.
*COUGH* YOU ARE A FUCKING PUSSY. *COUGH*
I'm seriously going to fucking kill you.

 

by tsekub
1-04-12
Hey, there's Charlie. Charlie!
WTF
Howdy, Sarah! Who's this freak?
Hi Charlie! This uhh... guy... he's lost. Do you know where we are?
You're a guy, right?
You're a girl-crab?

 

by tsekub
1-04-12
So Charlie, where the fuck are we? Is this really heaven, like Jesus says?
And how the fuck should I know, negro? I'm just a fucking unicorn!
Ha! Psych! I really had you going, didn't I?
Crab, you are so fucked.
Aw, people usually like that joke.

 

by tsekub
1-04-12
Okay, wise guy, tell me what you know, or heads start rolling.
Chillax, bunny dude! I know the answer. I'm a unicorn!
Yeah, I don't know about that. You don't look like a fucking unicorn.
Sure I am! I just put my horn in storage during the day. It's just practical! Good horns are hard to find nowadays, and I was all day at Wal-Mart to get this one on layawa--
Yeah, yeah, whatever. So is this heaven?
Wal-Mart is so expensive up here, you wouldn't believe it. I need to go get a new liver too, but Wal-Mart doesn't carry unicorn liver, blah blah blah blah blahbety blah...

 

by tsekub
10-27-12
Listen, unicorn, I'm about to lose my shit. Can you confirm our location? CAN YOU?!?
That's rude, amigo! I was telling you a little story! Patience!
That's it. I'VE LOST MY SHIT!!! FUCK YOU ALL, ASSHOLES!!!
Hey now, hang on--
!
To make a long story short, unicorns suck.

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