All comics by BobRogers

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by BobRogers
7-26-07
I have been having a real nice conversation with a guy about partical physics.
What do YOU know about partical physics, Dave? You went to school on the short school bus.
For your information, I know that roter blades don't make gravitons by themselves.
Mysteries of the universe are revealed in strange ways.

 

by BobRogers
7-27-07
Sorry Major, but the new NASA policy is to ground any astronaut caught getting drunk before going up in the Shuttle.
So basically, you want me to strap myself onto a million pounds of high explosives and blast into space to defy death for weeks...
...sober.
Well, when you put it like that - make mine a double Jack on the rocks. I'll join you.
Thought you'd see it my way.

 

by BobRogers
7-28-07
Bob, your cartoons suck. I would show my ass to you if I could find my pants.
Artie, why would anybody want to look at your ass, even if you could find it?
Because it's a handsome ass. I am in love with my ass. You should see it with a BOTTLE sticking out of it. Looks like a big nose.
You already HAVE a big nose on a face that looks like your ass. What's the point of the duplication?
I'm too drunk to care. Where are my car keys?
Good luck with the manslaughter case.

 

by BobRogers
7-29-07
At the Death Squad Bar and Grill, nobody is a stranger ...
Nick! What a surprise. What are you doing here?
I'm looking for Artie. I'm supposed to be his designated driver tonight.
A Grim Reaper is Artie's designated driver?
If not me, who better?
I dunno. It just seems a little strange. Do you even HAVE a driver's license?
You insult me with your ignorance. I should flame you. Have you ever seen a cop stop DEATH on the freeway? I know where they live.

 

by BobRogers
7-30-07
OK, God, I'm here. What's so important it couldn't wait until after breakfast?
I just wanted to tell you in person that you've been made redundant.
Re-WHAT?
Redundant. It means you're being laid off. We're automating death and eliminating the Reaper Department completely.
But WHY? I only have two millenia to go before retirement.
Things are tough all over. I've given you a good letter of reccomendation and forwarded yor resume' to Monster.com. Best of luck to you.

 

by BobRogers
7-30-07
What a crappy time to get laid off. Just got a new car. Variable rate mortgage is up 3 points.
Good morning, Nick. Isn't it SIMPLY wonderful DAY?
Piss off, bitch.

 

by BobRogers
7-30-07
First, God tells me that I'm being laid off, and now you're telling me that my CARTOON series is being cancled. This has been a crap day so far.
The series is not being cancelled per se. I am just sick of stupid people saying my work is shit just to be arbitrary and crude. So I am looking for a new place to publish.
Is THAT what this is all about? you being a whiney little bitch who can't take criticism?
Essentially.
Eat fire, loser. You have failed the Death Squad Challenge.

 

by BobRogers
7-30-07
You know, Bob, if there's one thing I CANNOT stand, it's a whimpering crybaby. So Gut didn't like your cartoon. So F'n WHAT?
Stern Shrine is not for wimps or softies. You have to be a "HE MAN" to post here. JB found that out pretty early on.
Mustering..... mental..... energy.....
That's what I am talking about. Man up and throw it back at them!
Incoming sperm whale...

 

by BobRogers
7-30-07
later, Artie and Nick meet in the meadow...
So then what happened?
I told him he had to grow a pair of testicles and not be so sensitive. Then, a sperm whale landed on me and I blacked out.
Say, do you hear something whistling and perhaps getting closer and closer?
Uh, no, why?
Laser guided stealth sperm whale. Very high tech.

 

by BobRogers
7-31-07
So I told the nigfer, I AM NOT FAT But does he listen? Nooooo.
Have you considered that "Fatness" might be some sort of metaphor?
Meta-what?
Metaphor - a figure of speech in which an expression is used to refer to something that it does not literally denote in order to suggest a similarity
So what is he denoting?
Fatness.

 

by BobRogers
7-31-07
So let me get this straight. Artie filed a complaint with the UNION protesting being depicted as "fat."
You got it.
And the union, acting on Artie's complaint wants me to depict him in some other way.
Correctamundo.
So, Artie, is this better?
Infinitely.

 

by BobRogers
8-01-07
It CAN'T be snowing. It's only AUGUST fror cyryn' out loud!
Are ye questioning God's plan, English?
I am NOT English. England doesn't exist and neither do midgets!
My BROTHER is a midget, English. It's all part of God's plan.
An Amish guy with a midget brother is telling me that God wants it to snow in AUGUST?
It's a CARTOON, English. Row with the flow.

 

by BobRogers
8-02-07
You know that bridge our company built on Interstate 35W over the Mississippi River in Minnesota?
Yeah, what about it?
It collapsed and almost took out a schoolbus load of kids.
You weren't smoking dope the day you did those plans were you?
Nah. But I did take a kickback from the cement company.
Wait a minute. Did you say the Mississippi River is in Minnesota?

 

by BobRogers
8-06-07
Dave objects to stereotypes...
I am not RETARTED!
You spend much of your day acting like an idiot though.
I AM NOT A IDIOT!
You write idiotic things on message boards and behave like you are 5 years old.
I AM 32 You Asshole!
I rest my case.

 

by BobRogers
8-08-07
I'm going to BLOW you in 5 seconds
Um...
5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Um...
Saved by a falling sperm whale.

 

by BobRogers
8-10-07
We will not stop until all of you infidels are in Hell.
Who exactly are you calling infidel, punk ass?
All of you - Jews, Americans, English...
You mean all the people who pay you ragheads billions of dollars a year for oil and educate your kids in the finest western schools?
Damn skippy, and let that be a warning to you.
Killing these mopes is just way to kind.

 

by BobRogers
8-10-07
Hold up. You are a new face. Are you Friend or Foe?
I am T600 the most advanced AI ever to walk on two legs.
AI? What does THAT mean?
Autonomous Intellect. Alternate Intelligence ...
ROBOT, right?
Well, if you want to be CRUDE about it.

 

by BobRogers
8-11-07
So. You have a computer for a brain, eh?
24-7-365 high speed Internet and a Google Home Page.
So say something really, really smart.
Duck.
Duck?
I mean to day that the Persied Meteor Shower is today.

 

by BobRogers
8-11-07
I'm back. Quick Reaper Regeneration. It's like having superpowers. Say, what happened to you?
Collateral damage.
Collata-wha?
Meteorite ricochetted off you and clipped me.
Man, damn, bummer.
Could have been worse. Could have been been a falling sperm whale.

 

by BobRogers
8-12-07
2007 is Elvis Presley Appreciation Year.
EVERY year is Elvis Presley Appreciation Year.
David Beckham has a sore ankle and didn't play soccer today.
Beckham is an overrated prima donna with delusions of his own importance.
Slow punchline day.
Yeah. I know.

 

by BobRogers
8-12-07
We're not moving until the new contract is signed.
We have the toughest job in the strip and we get the lowest pay. that sucks!
And you can tell that punk cartoonist that he better not bring in no scabs either.
OK. I'll bring it up at the next meeting.
Sperm whales are on strike.
Yeah. I got the email

 

by BobRogers
8-22-07
Bob responds to a particularly odious "Hey Now" post from an old enemy...
Why do you hang around that stupid Canadian cocksucker anyhow?
Free blow jobs.
Grim Reapers have penises?
Sweaty, hairy ones that Canadians in particular love. It's a salt deprivation thing.

 

by BobRogers
8-22-07
Nick attempts to forge peace between Bob and IAC.
You want to explain to me why you dragged me all the way to Arctic Circle?
I want you to adopt a more sensitive attitude toward Canadians, and IAC in particular.
Why. He don't care about anything except cornholing goats and giving blow jobs to Grim Reapers.
Ever think he might just be trying to stay alive
Licking Reaper pube sweat and ass raping farm animals is not my idea of living.
Maybe he feels the same way about wheel chairs.

 

by BobRogers
8-23-07
Nick is in Canada, paying off a bet...
I brought you the ten bucks I owe yez.
Easy money. I can bait that retarded cripple Bob any time, any place. I know what buttons to push.
Yeah, I know. Thanks to you all sorts of people have packed up and left The Shrine. Take your money and shaddup.
You know, if I rip on Down's Syndrome kids, I bet I can make him cry...
Reaper fire bursts out from the scythe...
I hate that stupid clown. Nazis had more heart.

 

by BobRogers
8-23-07
So explain to me then. Why do you POST cartoons on that message board if all they do is rip you.
First, not everybody rips me. Second, the "Nick" theme is intriguing and intellectually stimulating.
I say you're an idiot for letting some asshole wring you out like that.
Et tu Gargoyle?
Jeeze, Artie. 9AM and you're already blasted. What's up with that?
It's my nature, crip boy. And Gargoyle's right. You are an idiot.

 

by BobRogers
8-23-07
I love a man of mystery.
I love a woman who speaks her mind.
I love a man who is financially secure.
I enjoy a woman with good taste.
So when are you going to introduce me to Monty?
Soon as he gets out of the hospital.

 

by BobRogers
8-25-07
So, you're Monty, eh? Rich, intelligent, powerful and sensitive?
Keep it together, Artie. She thinks you're Monty. Tonight you get lucky.
Um... yes... Monty ... Me. I am... Monty. uh huh. Everything you heard is true.
Monty, I represent www.MegaDik.com. We make you larger than life . All I need is your SS#...
Even drunk in a bar on a Saturday night, the $%#$@#% SPAM still finds me.

 

by BobRogers
9-02-07
You know, Iron Mike Sharp was a pretty good wrestler. He was a good ambassador for Canada.
Yea. Know what you mean. Never won, but gave losing so much style, it was an art form.
I can't believe it's Labor day. Summer's almost gone. Pretty soon we'll be up to our ass in snow.
Yep. Pretty soon, I'll be collecting Ice Road Truckers outside of yellowknife. I hate it when I have to fetch them out of freezing water.
That was more sudden a snowfall than I would have anticipated.
It's CANADA, land of ice and snow. When summer is over, it's OVER!

 

by BobRogers
9-05-07
Nick bumps into Tooms, the Union Rep.
I have been meaning to ask you. Are the Sperm Whales still on strike?
An ominous whistling sound ensues until...
Uh. No.
A job for everone, I always say.

 

by BobRogers
9-06-07
Nick recovers quickly from being squashed under 40 tons of whale blubber...
Dude, hold up.
Eh?
You just dropped a sperm whale on me. Why do that? All I did was ask a simple question.
I'm their union rep. My job is to get the sperm whales panels in the strip. You were just convienent.
Harnessing a sudden surge of raw reaper power...
Unionize this, bitch.
ow.

 

by BobRogers
9-06-07
And now, our very own backyard psychologist...
Unsolicited Advice Guy... Just the fellow I was looking for. My girlfriend wants to leave me. What should I do?
Gay?
No, she's straight. She met this musician and he hooked her on meth.
Gay?
I'm not sure. He does look a little effeminate though, now that you mention it. Thanks. I'll just kick his ass.
Gay.

 

by BobRogers
9-08-07
Dave tries to change the subject on the Stern Shrine Forum.
IN THIS THREAD WE ALL ACT CIVIL, IN OTHER WORDS........ NO MORE NAME CALLING IN ALL THREADS
This prompts a personal visit from God.
LETS ALL TALK ABOUT GOD AND RELIGIOUS BELIFS!!!!!!!!!
You know, Dave, I appreciate the thought.
But you really ought to leave performing miracles to me.

 

by BobRogers
9-09-07
God and Beelzebub have an early morning conference outside Portland, Oregon...
I don't know what we're going to do about Dave. He is completely clueless about Heaven and Hell.
I know what you mean. I have been trying for 5 years now to get him laid and he's still a virgin. There cannot be virgins in Hell.
And there can be no blasphemers or pornographers in Heaven
He's not Catholic so we can't put him in Purgatory.
Results were inconclusive...
Any chance he could become a Mormon?
Not much. He shot at the missionaries with a paintball machine gun. If they won't take him, who would?

 

by BobRogers
9-10-07
It's the 6th anniversery of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City and the wholesale murder of innocent Americans.
Every Muslim in the world should hang his head in shame in rememberance of what those cowardly bastards did in the name of Mohammed, their prophet.
We shall NEVER FORGET...
Killing you one and all would be a kindness to the world.
What you will never understand is that the difference between the Muslim World and everyone else is - YOU value LIFE whereas WE value DEATH .

 

by BobRogers
9-13-07
I am from the Department of Environmental Protection, Endangered Species Division.
Ok. What's up?
I have a "Cease and Desist" order here that prohibits you from dropping Sperm Whales onto the ground from Space.
Oops. Mouse slipped. My bad.

 

by BobRogers
9-13-07
Today we're speaking with Orange Juice Jones, of the Nairobi, Kenya Joneses. So, What kind of name is "Orange Juice?"
Eek?
I see. Not very talkative today, eh?
Eek.
Well, as monkeys go, that one seems a bit lower on the evolutionary scale than the rest. And now... Where is Steve Fossett?

 

by BobRogers
9-14-07
Dave makes an offhand remark to Nick..
I had sex with your sister.
The toothless virgin speaks...
Reaper fire is both spontaneous and hot...
I don't even have a sister.

 

by BobRogers
9-15-07
My name is NJ Harley and I'm new around here.
Is this where I am supposed to get excited about a hairy midget in a pink bunny suit?
Well, you're gay, isn't that what gay guys do?
See what I have to deal with? Stereotypes are so last century.
Look at my ax and be fearful.
Do you think you are the first midget with an ax to threaten me? Puleeeese!

 

by BobRogers
9-18-07
Dave meets with God on a cloud nearby to Poughkeepsie...
I have decided to take your place. I am now God and you aren't.
How does that work exactly, Dave? I am Omnipotent, Alpha, Omega and Creator of Loretta's World. And you are lQ 72.
It's easy. I'm going to blackmail you. If you don't make me God, I will tell the cops you support terrorism.
I'm trying to remember why I created him in the first place.
When I am GOD, first thing I'm gonna do is destroy the SternShrine message board.
Haven't you pretty much already done that WITHOUT super powers, Dave?

 

by BobRogers
9-19-07
The thing about it is, Dave, GOD is not intimidated by anyone. ANGERED, yes, certainly, but INTIMIDATED, no.
All right, you asked for it, NIGFER. I'm calling the NEW JERSEY STATE POLICE right now. You will be in CUBA by tonight.
How are you going to dial the phone, Dave?
Huh?
Know ye this, numbnut. Thy name shall henceforth be "JUMP FOR DUCK" Thy VOCABULARY shall be "JUMP FOR DUCK." Now go forth and smarten up.
J-J-J-Jump for DUCK?

 

by BobRogers
9-20-07
NJ Harley chances upon a somewhat unfamiliar character...
JUMP for duck.
I know you. You're that JDPLVY guy that got changed into a duck by God! I ain't jumpin for no DUCK!
Jump for DUCK?
See this ax? I have HEWN people and animals with this axe. Beware the AXE that CHOPS!
Jump for -----?
Ya hadda push it, didn't you Dave?

 

by BobRogers
9-22-07
NJ, you chopped Dave into tiny bite sized pieces and fed him to OJ Simpson's CAT? Extreme, ain' dat?
It was either that or go to a mosque and chop up 3000 muslims.
And you deemed Dave to be the greater threat to National Security?
Sold that story to the FBI with a 10% discount. Umm Hmmm.
And then Doc banned him off Stern Shrine?
God bless American justice!

 

by BobRogers
9-23-07
What are you going to do for Halloween this year?
I thought I might collect some souls from Al Queda. Been a while since I've been to Hell. You?
I'm planning to do some toe tapping in the Men's room at the Minneapolis Airport.
Gonne mess over spme cops, huh?
Or fags. Or Canadians. Amounts to the same thing to me.

 

by BobRogers
9-23-07
I need a job.
Do I look like McDonald's to you, Dave?
I would NEVER work at McDonald's. That's for losers.
You mean as opposed to sitting at home all day on the Internet spamming message boards?
I am broke. I need $$$. I am going on vacation next week.
You're taking a vacation from being a broke loser? How New York of you.

 

by BobRogers
9-24-07
And in other news: more arrests expected at PLVY International Airport today as police continue Men's Room enforcement
Outside the terminal...
The guy was about 5'5, missing most of his teeth, and carrying a puddin' spoon. Said he wanted to smell my shoes.
The sick Bastard! Anything else?
Yeah. He said something about a Canadian meeting him at Gate 1.
I'll alert Homeland Security.

 

by BobRogers
9-24-07
Tobor the assraping Robot confronts IAC in the Matrix...
TOBOR want to assrape you!
Nojust HOLD UP THERE, C-3PO. Why me? Plus, HOW? Robots have no penis.
TOBOR DOES have a big metal penis and Will assrape you!
What if I told you that all Canadians are born WITHOUT AN ASS?
TOBOR would have to return to NJ HARLEY for reprogramming.
Canada is an "assless" society!

 

by BobRogers
9-25-07
Dude, why do you rip on Canada so much?
Not Canada PER SE but more like one CANADIAN in particular on the message board.
So then, why him?
Because he rips on me. it's a QUID PRO QUO kinda thing.
Then comes the menacing whistle of falling sperm whale...
I hear that GOD is a Canadian.

 

by BobRogers
9-26-07
The PLVY Police knows Dave well...
I want to report a cold-blooded MURDER
Ok, Mr. Gravy. When did the murder take place, whodunnit and and what happened
NJ Harley chopped me into little pieces and fed me to OJ Simpson's cat.
OK Mr. Gravy, we will check into it.
Harley, how many times do we gotta tell you? When you kill Dave, CUT THE VOCAL CORDS FIRST!
My bad.

 

by BobRogers
9-26-07
What, you didn't know that Harley chopped Dave up in little pieces and fed him to OJ Simpson's CAT? That's surprising!
I only read Bob's cartoons when they have MY NAME on them.
That's a bit narcississtic, don't you think?
Hell no! The Nick The Hood Comics are MUCH funnier than Stern Shriners.
I'm ambivilent, since I appear in both. Double pay for me.
Just remember. If you want to LIVE, Nick The Hood Comix RULE!

 

by BobRogers
10-02-07
This doesn't look like Maine to me.
I don't know how I could have ended up in Africa...
But you can bet your ass that this is the last time I let NJ Harley buy my plane tickets on Priceline.com

Showing page 20.

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