All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
4-12-07
i am the liberal fairy. i'm here to grant you a wish of one burrito.
no way. that's not the way it works. you can't read my thoughts then show up with a pre-packaged wish. you have to ask what i want.
the committee of liberal fairies have slightly altered the rules of engagement. but since you claimed your right to a spontaneous wish, i am bound to grant you that.
that's more like it. i want 50 thousand latin american troops to assist in iraq.
sorry, i cannot compel people to do things against their wishes.
fine. then build the wall.

 

by Cobb
4-12-07
you don't seem to understand. the regulations for wish fulfillment are very strict. i cannot do things that affect millions of people. it has to be local to your life.
you change the rules every time.
the committee meets regularly to assess the current state of the world's wishful thinking, and we've had to make adjustments in order to properly fulfill our charter.
fine fine. give me my bird back.
are you sure you don't want a burrito?
i think i'm going to lodge a complaint.

 

by Cobb
4-12-07
you're back! i can't believe it. this is great! welcome home old pal.
what? huh? how did i get here?
the same way you left. the liberal fairy.
but i don't want to be here. she can't compel me against my wishes.
the fairy committee has redefined 'person'. you don't even have standing to lodge a formal complaint.
i was happier in beslan.

 

by Cobb
4-12-07
so you were in beslan, eh? figures. the way you get off on human suffering is truly bizarre.
i am a canary of many coalmines.
you're looking good.
yeah whatever. how's it going here in iraq? i see pelosi has yet to work her magic.
no, we're still here indefinitely, but the congress hasn't paid for our meals or anything. they want to starve us out.
starvation. that's a good start. they may live up to stalin's benchmark yet.

 

by Cobb
4-12-07
i've killed some iranians since you left. some of those quds guys put up a good fight.
did you interrogate them first?
naturally.
so what did you learn?
a lot of them actually watch american idol.
so that explains sanjaya.

 

by Cobb
4-16-07
well i hope you're happy.
what are you grumbling about this time?
your boy obama is as rich as hilary clinton. doesn't that just make you tingly all over?
you need to stop hating, and start celebrating. this black man is moving, and the whole world knows it.
did you ever stop to think about whose 25 million that is? surely you don't think it came from the hood.
i don't even know why i talk to you.

 

by Cobb
4-16-07
nobody is saying that obama is all about black power. he's genuinely america's candidate.
i don't see why he appeals to you.
check out myobama.com. he's the candidate who truly gets sophisticated internet technologies.
oh i get it. any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from..
..don't you say it..
..magic!

 

by Cobb
4-16-07
you're like all the rest of the conservatives. you're trying to bait me with your coded racial language.
i'm just being honest. if you can't talk about a black candidate with other black people about his blackness...
yeah whatever. this election is about more than race. i'm working for the campaign, and we're focused on health care...
ahh. that explains a lot. well. good luck with all that. oh wait. one more question.
what is it?
like.. when you shake his hand.. does he do it like.. you know..

 

by Cobb
4-23-07
i have a question to you about barack obama.
here we go. what is it this time?
but first, i want to know. you can't stand clarence thomas right?
..yeah..
so why haven't you or anybody asked obama about affirmative action? where's the hardball question?
it's the war, stupid.

 

by Cobb
4-29-07
do you remember that show black white that came on fx last year?
not really.
you know, the one produced by ice cube where the black family puts on white makeup and the white family puts on black makeup.
oh yeah. i remember. the black kid was kinda cute as a white kid.
it's been a year. have we learned anything from this?
yeah. 'are we done yet?'. that's the sequel right?

 

by Cobb
4-29-07
what's the hardest thing about being black?
avoiding stupid, insulting questions.
uhmm.
no, that wasn't one of them. that's actually a good question.
whew. so, is there anything i can do to help?
uh.. quit while you're batting 500.

 

by Cobb
4-29-07
well, i'll tell you the hardest thing about being white is being completely blindsided by an accusation of racism.
yeah i guess that must be tough, considering your need to be blameless.
yeah.. well.. i mean. can't i be a victim too?
nope. sorry. intellectual property. booker t. washington got the patent in 1902.
really. so who has been renewing it all these years?
did you ever wonder how al sharpton affords all those tailored suits?

 

by Cobb
6-18-07
so, nifong is being disbarred. that's great news.
yeah so what about all the other innocents wrongly convicted? funny how these guys get off but it took more than 20 years for geronimo pratt.
you're not going to start talking about mumia now are you?
no. i'm just saying that since you and i agree about sloppyiness in the justice system, maybe we should work to make it a lot more efficient.
efficient enough to convict mark rich and sandy berger? or efficient enough for those funny plants in your backyard?
uh. maybe efficiency is not the right word.

 

by Cobb
6-18-07
so you don't want more efficiency from the justice system. what do you want?
i want overzealous prosecutors to be reigned in. look at what happened to shaquanda cotton. look at gitmo. you republicans prosecute with a vengeance.
we started this conversation about nifong. he's a democrat. liberals are the ones abusing the scope of the law.
please. there needs to be some real accountability to the people about what prosecuting attorneys get away with.
hmm. so let's say i gave a list of attorneys to the attorney general with recommendations that they be summarily fired.
this is a trick question isn't it?

 

by Cobb
6-20-07
it's baquba with a 'q'.
ok i'll try again. nope. nothing.
there's gotta be something. 10 thousand troops are assaulting al qaeda today in iraq. it's the biggest battle since second fallujah.
nothing from the nyt, washington post.. no coverage.
man this sucks.
maybe if you just sent 300 with no shirts on..

 

by Cobb
7-02-07
i see your head hasn't exploded.
uh about what?
the president commuted the sentence of scooter libby.
get out!
should i stand back?
yeah.. call the bomb squad.

 

by Cobb
7-10-07
what's that?
hey! hey! don't come any closer. stay behind me, it's toxic over there.
wow. i don't think i've seen anything so hideous.
yeah i'm trying to think of a greater disaster.
have you figured out what it is? it looks like an exploded compost heap.
actually it's the remains of john mccain's presidential campaign.

 

by Cobb
7-25-07
you're not married are you?
what are you trying to say?
well, i'm not married either. if you don't have any kids maybe we should hook up.
yeah right. like anything goes with black single women.
oh well. there's always white girls.
your place or mine?

 

by Cobb
8-07-07
what's new this week?
ahh yes the blogosphere yeilds up great riches. this week it's social justice.
oh?
yes. according to statistics the difference in sentencing black vs whites on cocaine is narrowing significantly.
oh. they finally fixed the racist sentencing against crack?
no, blacks are just switching to powder.

 

by Cobb
9-25-07
what are you blogging today?
oh the usual white liberal stuff. you wouldn't be interested.
try me.
ok what do the following tiny towns have in common? paris texas, jena louisiana, jasper texas...
oh let me guess. they are the only places in america where 'real' racism exists.
hey wait, i didn't say compton yet.

 

by Cobb
1-09-08
so, why hillary clinton?
duh. she's a woman. you're going for obama right?
i might look like obama on the outside, but i'm more like mitt romney on the inside.
ha. that's funny.
are you about to make an oreo joke?
why? are mormons are forbidden from eating cookies?

 

by Cobb
1-09-08
what makes you think hillary clinton will protect women as president?
isn't it obvious? because she's a woman. she understands.
oh. so she feels your pain?
typical male answer.
what about gennifer flowers? did she feel her pain? what about..
move on! move on!

 

by Cobb
1-09-08
i cannot believe that you are not supporting obama. what kind of black man are you?
aside from logical, republican.
oh yeah i forgot. you don't associate with us common folk.
oh you mean like everyone in iowa? since when did you start identifying with people from des moines?
it was a historic moment. it's time for a change.
i'm going to pretend like that's the first time i ever heard that.

 

by Cobb
1-09-08
oh please. at least we have a candidate that's all about some change.
yeah, spare change. obama just wants to hustle more tax dollars out of my pocket.
all you republicans can do is try to out-conservative one another.
huckabee's not a conservative.
and i suppose ron paul is not a racist.
i didn't say that.

 

by Cobb
1-09-08
but i'm not supporting ron paul.
so what? every year, you republicans try to dodge the issue. you know your party caters to all the racists.
every american racist is republican. is that what you're saying?
look what they did to colin powell. they made him lie about wmds and destroyed his career.
i've never heard that conspiracy theory before.
yeah well you missed the meeting on wednesday night.

 

by Cobb
1-09-08
you are such a hypocrite. democrats pretend to not be racist..
our party looks more like america.
bill richardson dropped out today. where's your multiculturalism now?
uh..gender is more important than race.
what is this rock, paper, scissors?
invented by lula rochambeaux, a woman of color, born in 1893..

 

by Cobb
1-09-08
so dude, i am so voting for obama. he's totally righteous.
i'm not so sure about him.
no way dude. he's willing to talk to all people. hindus, hamas, kurds, pashto.
you have no idea what you're talking about. that's mixing apples and oranges.
it doesn't matter what fruit you are. give peach a chance.
and i thought the madrassas were bad.

 

by Cobb
1-09-08
so did you get a look at the iranian speedboats in the straights of hormuz?
everybody has. it's all over youtube.
ahh but you've had a special intel briefing?
yeah. codename tehrani vice.
you guys are not taking the iranian navy seriously at all are you?
hey, i'm cia. i can't even swim.

 

by Cobb
1-11-08
hey, i'm going out to the club. wanna come dancing?
no.
hey, i'm going out to the club. wanna come dancing?
no.
hey, i'm going out to the club. wanna come dancing?
need a wingman, eh?

 

by Cobb
1-11-08
truthfully my friend, i don't know how these dance clubs work.
simple. you get your ass out of here, you get your ass in there.
i get my ass in there and i shake it all about?
you buy a girl a vodka and you try to get her home.
that's what it's all about?
hokey pokey.

 

by Cobb
1-21-08
hey isn't that a clip from that new movie cloverfield?
well sorta. it's something i got from a friend of a friend on facebook.
yeah?
she took a picture with her cell phone of somebody's video ipod. they got rushes from an associate producer.
that's kinda like the premise of the film. an amatuer film of a disaster.
take a picture of me and the mpaa will think you're part of a disaster too.

 

by Cobb
1-22-08
dude i am like so bummed right now.
why is that?
well, you know. like fred thopmson is quitting, and i so dug his attitude and all.
i never thoguht you might be a republican.
but he talked slow, and i could totally relate.
another american, poorly served by our democracy.

 

by Cobb
1-24-08
still hate humans?
i haven't really bothered lately. i'm bemused by how much you hate each other. i'm afraid that i cannot improve on that level of contempt.
something i've done for the cia?
no actually the presidential race.
you must mean..
..hillary, of course.

 

by Cobb
1-24-08
the campaigns are all very interesting but you know there is a war going on.
oh yeah that.
i mean we're winning, finally and all..
..shutup. i'm not interested in hearing you crow about iraq. in fact i'm not going to listen to you until you are back on the streets, a homeless, shell shocked insane veteran.
i can't believe you're still thinking vietnam!
it still delivers pain and misery after all these years. what's not to love?

 

by Cobb
1-31-08
now that giuliani is out of the race, romney and mccain are the clear front runners.
on the democratic side, john edwards is also dropping out of the race for president.
he says he wants to spend more time perfecting his haircut for 2012.

 

by Cobb
2-07-08
it's done.
are you sure? will it have the proper effect?
word has already leaked. he's going to make the announcement today. romney is finished.
but will he mention the dog? we can't let him mention the dog.
our guy is reprogramming the telepromter as we speak.
oh good. romney's a master of keeping a straight face. he'll sound entirely credible.

 

by Cobb
2-07-08
did you hear the news about mitt romney?
yeah, romney 'suspended' his campaign.
yeah. suspended. what's that all about?
romney is such a wuss, he can't even quit without flipflopping.

 

by Cobb
2-09-08
you know that old story about bill clinton being the first 'black president'?
yeah. everybody's heard that.
do you think that hillary thinks that of him?
is this going to be a sex joke? because i really don't want to hear it.
no seriously. considering her disrespect of obama, do you think she thinks of bill as black when he cheats on her?
what kind of question is...hey wait a minute.

 

by Cobb
2-09-08
do you think that hillary thinks of bill as black when he's doing wrong?
they went to jessie jackson for healing. remember that?
that's deep.
well i've got something even deeper than that.
oh?
since obama's mother is white, doesn't that make him more likely to accept vice president under hillary?

 

by Cobb
2-20-08
you heard the michelle obama thing?
about this being the first time she was proud to be an american? yep.
what was she thinking?
i dunno, her real honest feelings for once?
damn.
well, it's the first time i'm proud of the obamas.

 

by Cobb
2-22-08
so how do you like obama now? not just some flash in the pan, eh?
yeah. he does about as well as can be expected.
that's backhanded.
hey, look. of course he's doing well, he's a non-threatening black man.
that's the stupidest think i ever heard. black men are supposed to be threatening?
what did i say bitch?

 

by Cobb
2-27-08
i don't see how you could possibly support mccain.
i'm a single issue voter. he's my man for the war. it's an obvious choice.
but surely you must realize that black people need affordable health care. how could you not be for that empowerment?
my people survived slavery. even the slave masters didn't have a health plan sponsored by the government.
well i don't see why you have to bring up slavery.
oh, something about your presumption that i don't know what's good for me.

 

by Cobb
3-04-08
..and hillary clinton finally thanked all the republicans that voted for her
'i love you all', she said 'the very same way that i love bill'
'sure you are lowdown cheating bastards, but the ends justify the means. i am your queen, and i cannot be denied'

 

by Cobb
3-28-08
so have you seen this vogue cover with lebron james?
no. lemme see. ok, so what?
uh, don't you see how racist that is?
uh. yeah, i guess so, but tell me exactly how so i know.
i don't know. i was hoping you would tell me.
shit. google it quick, i'm hanging out with black friends tonight...

 

by Cobb
5-14-08
is it just me or do you feel wierd when people ask if you want to eat lunch at souplantation?
oh wow, i just had to deal with that the other day.
damn, you to huh?
yep.
well at least they don't have sambos any more.
i'm just now strong enough to have breakfast at denny's.

 

by Cobb
5-20-08
hey you're green right?
i try to be green. you know. save the planet.
i'm trying to resolve a bet between a friend and i.
oh oh.
no really. have you ever considered the fact that the average motorcycle gets about 50 mpg and costs only $7000?
yes but they're loud.

 

by Cobb
7-08-08
so what's new with you?
i can't wait until bush is out of office. he has ruined the economy, ruined our reputation abroad.
our reputation abroad? what does that mean? you can't get good dinner reservations in paris?
right here at home, i can't afford gas, the housing crisis..
so are you shopping at walmart yet?
aha! it's a conspiracy!

 

by Cobb
7-22-08
so you realize that an obama presidency changes everything for us.
us meaning republicans, consigned to eternal shame and humiliation?
i mean for us black folks. it's going to be a whole new day. besides, nobody believes that you are more republican than black.
so what if i do?
it doesn't matter what you believe about yourself. it matters what others believe about you. that's why obama is good for you whether you like it or not.
i don't believe it.

 

by Cobb
7-22-08
are you aware that there are 1.5 million americans who suffer from autism?
this is how it all starts folks.
it's a horrible, awful condition and you conservatives ought to be ashamed of michael savage.
i think i'm just going to shutup.
why can't you answer me? don't you have a cogent response? what the hell is wrong with you people?
should i say it?

 

by Cobb
7-23-08
i've had it up to here with bitches. you know, they just whine and complain. they can't make up their minds about anything.
goodness. such language. you realize that you sound very misogynistic.
so what? i'm not trying to be correct. and i'm sick of people trying to make me feel bad about it.
you really should try deep down in your heart to be fair to women.
i'd rather lick tommy lasorda's hairy droopy balls.
..oooh

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