All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
10-04-15
That was fun! Can we play again?
Sure. If you have a 5.1/4" floppy drive, and want an arrow up your ear, Steed.
KR-SMRSH
Thou knowest this settlement, Archer?
Yeah, did some temporary work in the pub. Rough place, but it'll get us closer to the Spooky Forest
KA-DOUBLE-SMASH! KA-BOTTLE!
I have a bad feeling about this.
Is that all you can say? A Cleric, gifted with mystical powers, and THERE IS A FIGHT ON IN THIS PUB, and you just say "I have a bad feeling about this" ?

 

by jes_lawson
10-07-15
I just can't seem to stop obsessing over these violent thoughts!
Yes, continue!
I just want to take it out on the next stranger who looks at me sideways!
Of course, yes!
So, do I need help?
What? I haven't been paying attention, I just finished my crossword. I think you talk a lot of stupid crazy shit and should shut up, if that helps

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-15
Excuse me, but would you know that magician who's lying in a bloody heap, and the feathery goon we just evicted for puking in the outhouse?
Zounds! I believe I do!
Good news! You owe 10000 GP for bar bills and damages.
Wouldst thou accept Discover card?

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-15
Alas, Ranger! All is lost! We owe the bar more than this quest is worth! I should fall on my sword now before 'tis repossessed!
Stay calm Knighty, I saw a notice on the board on the way in.
I see you have a darts tournament later, mind if I enter?
You're going to take on Sir Eric of Bristow?! Welp, it's your funeral.
Zounds! Didst thou have to offer my armour as collateral?
I don't like looking at you in the buff either. Go hide in the privvy while I school this schlub.

 

by jes_lawson
10-28-15
I really need to quit my bad habits. I drink too much, then get easily distracted, and never finish what I start.
It's quiz night at Flanagan's. Baby Guinness only €3!
Just two seconds...

 

by jes_lawson
10-28-15
Man, I've got to quit using the same punchline on Stripcreator all the time...
But first I need to quit drinking this psychoactive Peruvian coffee...
Right after I finish this mug...
Groovy!

 

by jes_lawson
11-05-15
Right, lets's get this done. THOCK! THOCK THOCK!
Nice try mate, but you've not a chance in... hold on...?
ONE HUNDRED AND EEEIGHTY!... uhh...EIGHTY-NINE?
Cheating bastard surely!
You never said we couldn't use +3 arrows. Want to see an 8 dart finish or...
I'll forfeit...

 

by jes_lawson
11-08-15
Huzzah Ranger! Ye hast won back my dignity, and some funds for ye quest!
Yeah! 11000 GP, plus a side bet I had. We'll settle the damages, and check with our companions.
Wizard, I hear ye did encounter problems here?
Frank decided to start a fight. Next thing you know, I accidentally cast a Fireball spell at the whisky stand and incinerated my assailants. Plus the whisky.
So what happened?
*urp*... wrong turn at Abluquerque, teleport spell, stuck in a tree, jail, buttrape, bar...drank a lot of Fireballed whisky...

 

by jes_lawson
11-08-15
After the damages bill was paid off, we have just enough for extra suppplies. There's a good market in town I know.
Most fortuitous. But whilst thou were fleecing ye darts player, I hast found us some new allies!
*adopts_deep_voice* Previously... on RPG!
Gad's balls! No armour, hiding in ye privvy, which doth stink of... Heinrich the Unclean?!
Knight! By Odin's Beard! I...
And Valerie ye Valkyrie?! What art thou and Heinrich doing in ye privvy together?
Umm... Definitely not what ya be thinkin', Knighty! Uh... What are YOU doin' wit' no pants on?

 

In Soviet Russia...
Turkey shoots you!
by jes_lawson, 11-28-15

 

by jes_lawson
12-15-15
So Serena Williams beat American Pharaoh to be American Sports Personality , and some folks are upset.
Aye, their loss.
I'd ride them both.

 

by jes_lawson
1-12-16
You uh, fancy a round in Cheers tonight Carla?
Sorry Coach, I'm up on blocks. It'll have to be Gary's Old Time Tavern.
We still get filmed in front of a live studio audience, right?
Yup.
Evening everybody! Make mine a large one.
Norm?!

 

by jes_lawson
2-18-16
Red sky at night...
Shepherd's delight!
Red sky in the morning...
Arr, Sailors take warning!
Red sky all the time...
You're on Mars...

 

by jes_lawson
6-26-16
Sorry Will, we're out. Back to the asbestos-lined safe with you.
But I didn't even get to play!

 

by jes_lawson
7-10-16
I had a bunch of dreams. I can't remember any of them except this one :
The Rockford Files theme's first four notes are the same as the Shaft theme.
He's not wrong! We analysed them and found YouTube footage!
Who's the cracker P.I. lives in a mobile home and never picks up his god damn answer phone?
Rockford!

 

by jes_lawson
7-25-16
I tried to buy this cool long jacket when I was on holiday in Italy.
Oh aye. And...?
Didn't. It was 600 Euro!
600 Euro?! You gotta be joking!
Yeah, it didn't even make me invisible or anything.
Christ, what was it made out of? Mithril?!

 

by jes_lawson
7-25-16
Welcome back to Jeopardy. We start with our returning champion, Haddaway
I'll take Emotional concepts for $1000, Alex.
"Oh lady don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more."
What is love?

 

by jes_lawson
8-02-16
At the market stall in town
Zounds! This stall is bereft of a merchant! Archer, art thou sure we can procure supplies here?
Methinks I shall take my leave and... Wait...What a fine set of red platemail!
And, as if by magic... PING!
The shopkeeper appears!
Aah, Gadzooks! I hath besmirched my breeches!

 

by jes_lawson
8-13-16
Mr. Archer sir! Welcome back! What can I get you, and your incontinent armoured friend?
Heya Mister Singh! Three fletches of +3 arrows, a couple of cram rations, and... a compass.
350GP. And...
Yeah, the Knight will need a chicken leg, a 1UP, a thing that says "POW" and some helmet polish.
That'll be 200 zennies. I'll have to check under the counter for the...
It wasn't a metaphor.

 

by jes_lawson
8-15-16
And what can I get for you, sir?
I'll have this potion of Mana, this FOOBIE BLETCH scroll, and I'd like to browse your mystical periodicals.
Certainly sir, I have a very discreet dungeon downstairs which...
It wasn't a metaphor!

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-16
Why doesn't Kanye West visit the capital of the Philippines any more?
"Cos he was Ill in' Manilla!"
Also their president would probably throw him out of a helicopter.

 

by jes_lawson
2-20-17
Right Harry, take this polyjuice potion and transform into Steve Bannon. We're going to spy on Tr*mp
But Professor McGonagle! You can transform into a cat, why don't you just do that and sneak around the Oval Office?
Harry, everyone knows cats are devious shits who would slit your throat for their own temporary gain. I'd get asked to make policy.
But nobody ever notices...
The elephant in the room!

 

by jes_lawson
3-15-17
I'm just leaving this as a placeholder
Go on now, I'll be writing the dialog soon...
Go on now, git outta here, seriously, nothing funny to see yet!

 

by jes_lawson
3-31-17
Thursday afternoon, 3:59 p.m.
See you next Tuesday, Tommy.
Uhh... See YOU next Tuesday, Paul!
See you next Tuesday, Ian!
Yeah, same to you, Paul...
For the record, Paul isn't subtly insulting us, it's just he doesn't work on Mondays and Fridays
Bollocks he isn't! He says the same thing every week at this time!

 

by jes_lawson
7-19-17
Doctor! The Xenobytes will be here any minute and the only exit is deadlock sealed!
Not to worry! I'll just use my penis!
What?! That's the most ridiculous idea you've ever...AAAGH!
Grnngh... Ow... There! I think that's it... stuck. Shit... Ow.
Prepare to meet your doom, Doctor!
Fuck. I hope I don't regenerate into Colin Baker again. Ow.

 

by jes_lawson
12-01-17
Pete G and special guest: Hubble
Ho feckin' ho! Good news from the Christmas huddle!
Did I hear my name called?
Tom B and Tommy McC
I'll walk you later, just let me finish this coffee and peanut butter cake *munch* *gulp* *snack*
Did someone say LaserTech? No way am I looking at that over Christmas! I'm away for a few smokes!
Peter C and Peter L
Did someone say yokes? Forget those, yo, it's 3:59 I'm outta here folks!
Did someone say keystrokes? I've no time for that, I've language files to update

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-17
Special guest stars - the students: James
I'm just glad you didn't depict me as the Godfather of Soul. Never heard that one before...
Neysha
You cant tell, but I'm wearing purple sneakers. Plus this app is pretty killer...
Joel
I think I got off lightly!

 

by jes_lawson
12-07-17
The algorithm team - Paul and Ian
See you next Tuesday Ian
Same to you Paul.
John, and Tom again (he wasn't happy with my art)
AAAGH! I didn't think you'd take this literally. Plus, this is the wrong season for this
Shut up and write some code!

 

by jes_lawson
12-23-17
Cutter! We're all set for the job - 3am at Walthamstow Self-Store, Unit 6C
Unit 60, got it!
3:45am
Sorry I'm late, lost the house keys. You bring the bolt cutters, Toolzy?
Me? Cutter, I thought that was your job! Fuck! And where's our getaway? Where's Smokin' Wheels?
5am
Ran three red lights, stoned off your face, in an Industrial estate, at 5am...
Uhh... heh... I was uh... late for work?

 

by jes_lawson
3-14-18
SO. SHALL WE PLAY SOME DICE, SO I CAN THROW THEM WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE THEM?
Hey! That's MY thing!
RIP Professor Stephen Hawking.

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-21
Can you believe it's been 4 years?
Grimace is shaped like Ronald McDonald's butt plug

 

by jes_lawson
1-19-22
I'm not saying my girlfriend is a super freaky uber nerd...
But in bed the other night, she told me
To aim for the " small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port"

 

by jes_lawson
4-25-22
I just deleted my Twitter account
Did you have any followers?
Not really, but I left somthing for the new owner.
Should I ask?
The digital equivalent of a a fish behind a radiator. With a turd in it.
Ah! An NFT!

 

by jes_lawson
8-30-22
Psst! Your odds of rolling a seven are only 16.667%!
Who exactly are you?
Shh! Discreet Mathematics!

 

by jes_lawson
9-25-22
All right, read the line.
Hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker! Boy howdy!
All right, number 2...
Gimmedamuddafugginkeysyacocksuckaaa!
And...last but not least....
Hand ME your keys, you fucking cock sucker!

Showing page 20.

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