All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
1-26-05
So, um, toilet...
...yes?
Do you have any nuggets of wisdom for me?
Please don't use the word "nuggets."
Oh. Sorry... I guess I'm not used to talking to a poop recepticle...
Yeah, I suppose Miss Manners probably never covered that topic.

 

by Scyess
1-26-05
Could you talk this whole time?
Oh, of course. But we household fixtures tend to be somewhat introverted.
So, um, can I get you anything?
No, thanks. I'm fine.
Nothing? Breath mint?
ENOUGH! JUST SAY IT! I KNOW YOU WANT TO CRAP INTO MY MOUTH!

 

by Scyess
1-26-05
So you really don't mind if I crap into you?
It's a living.
While you do I can tell you about my trip to the Carribean. There was this cute little bidet sharing my room...
Um, do you mind? It's kind of hard to go with you talking...
Oh, sorry. I don't want to be a bother. I can understand why it might be hard. I won't say a word. I know when to keep my mouth shut, so don't worry; I'll...

 

by Scyess
1-26-05
Dammit! all right! You win! I'll just hold my bowels until I explode!!
Hey, no, not on my account, really...
Those ventriloquism lessons were worth every penny.

 

by Scyess
1-26-05
Would you care for more filet minon?
Thank you. I don't mind if I do.
I can't believe I'm having a romantic dinner with a pink cow!
Don't get snooty. You're lucky I agreed to come.

 

by Scyess
1-29-05
I haven't eaten in four days. This could be the end...
Rrrriiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppp!!!
Whew! Thanks, dude!
Hey! My femur!

 

by Scyess
2-01-05
Dammit. I'm missing my favorite radio show.
Why? Where's your radio?
I took it to work so I could listen there, but now I can't listen at home.
Well, shit. That problem's easy enough to fix.
I quit.
About time! By the way, company policy says we get to keep everything still in your cubicle.

 

by Scyess
2-02-05
I'm home!
I'M HOME!!!!
Whadda ya want? A medal?
I wonder if this is what they mean by a "non-supportive" relationship?
Don't you have somewhere to be or something?

 

by Scyess
2-02-05
I'm home!
Ya.
Aren't you glad to see me?
I'm celebrating on the inside.
You're not going to ask me about my day?
I'm afraid you might take that as an invitation to tell me.

 

by Scyess
2-02-05
I'm home!
Yes. I heard the first seven thousand times you caterwalled that fact through the house.
Doesn't anyone want to greet me?
Why would we suddenly start wanting to do that?
Well, for example, I could get pissed and raise your rent.
So, how was your day?

 

by Scyess
2-02-05
I'm home!
HAAAIIIIIYA!
Doc! The Lord! The Lord is calling me home!
Just don't fucking announce it when you get there.

 

by Scyess
2-02-05
I heard the key to making money is to take what you love and make it profitable.
Naw. I'd have to start writing ransom notes to the parents, and things just get messy from there.
Maybe it doesn't apply to people who love what you love.
I like to think of it as more of a "passion."

 

by Scyess
2-02-05
They must've met with a lot of mettle to meddle with a metal like uranium.
It must take a lot of mettle to muddle through the middle of mottled "mettle" matters.
Or maybe we're just dorks.
"We?"

 

by Scyess
2-03-05
Law offices of Whee, Makum, Skwerm, & Howe. May I help you?
Er... um.. yes... uh... well...
Do y'all really have a partner named "Skwerm"?
Actually, he's the janitor. You won't believe what we had to go through to find a guy named "Whee."

 

by Scyess
2-03-05
Hi. I hope you don't mind, but I find you very attractive, and I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner...
I'll say! I'm starved!
um... with... me...

 

by Scyess
2-03-05
Hi. My name's Jon. How about we jump in your car and drive to Nashville for the comic convention?
Forget it.
But... but... I thought women wanted a man who's straight forward and exudes confidence!
Yes, but we also want men who don't want to do lame-ass, borderline-creepy things like that.
So what you're saying is that what women really want is...
... not you.

 

by Scyess
2-04-05
Welcome to my home, Clarice!
Um, you have a pink cow chained to your closet.
Hey. I don't criticize your lifestyle.
*sigh* I guess I'm just doomed with women.
Maybe you should stop referring to me as a "lifestyle."

 

by Scyess
2-05-05
You think your online computer guys can give you something I can't? You think they're so great? You think they'll fulfill you?
Oh, so now you're going! Just like that! To meet "him?" Just try to play the jealousy game! You'll be sorry! You'll live to regret this!!
He just doesn't understand me like you do.
Anal probe?

 

by Scyess
2-05-05
Oh. Hey, Sanna.
Oh, hi. Long time no see.
Still a trecherous, ungrateful, spineless maggot who'd sell her own family for the price of renting a tiny room in a shithole house?
Still a self-absorbed power freak who would argue about things you're too stupid to understand -- which is just about everything?
Anyway, good to see you.
Don't be a stranger.

 

by Scyess
2-05-05
You're looking pensive.
I ran into Hal today and invited him over.
Hal?! Hal who wants to kill me Hal? He knows where I live? Dammit, Sanna! Now I have to move!
Um... let's not over-react...
And if I have to move... THAT MEANS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CLEAN THE BATHROOM!!! GAH!!
Maybe -I- should move...

 

by Scyess
2-05-05
Dammit, Jon! Stop packing!
How can you say that?! You've told someone who wants to kill me exactly where I am!!
But he's always known where you are.
Umm... is that supposed to make me feel better?
Er, let me rephrase that...

 

by Scyess
2-05-05
Okay. I want you to be nice to Jon.
Of course. I'll be a perfect gentleman.
You monkey-humping, gelding-raping son of a tapeworm! I'm going to rip off your nipples and wear them as earmuffs!
AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Earmuffs??
Oh... um... I mean... "Hi."

 

by Scyess
2-05-05
Well, Jon, Sanna wants us to be friends, so we might as well be. Honestly, I don't even remember why I was mad at you.
Oh, that's easy. You think I'm taking advantage of your sister and dating the woman you lust after.
YOU SONOFABITCH! I'M GONNA USE YOUR INTESTINES AS TOILET PAPER!
Does this mean we're not playing euchre on Thursday?

 

by Scyess
2-06-05
Dammit! When you check the mailbox, put mail for me where I can find it, okay?
You're one to talk. When's the last time you cleaned the bathroom?
Geez... listen to us. We're bickering like married people.
Yeah, you're right. It's kind of scary.
I guess this means we should have sex.
No, I think it means you should clean the fucking bathroom.

 

by Scyess
2-06-05
What're you up to these days?
I'm inventing a car that's the size of a comapact, but weighs 5 tons, has 450 horse power, and is completely indestructable.
Doesn't that miss the point? Who would buy a compact that guzzles so much gas?
Anyone who wants to see the look on the face of Hum-V owners as they watch their behemoths totaled by a vehicle 1/5 the size of their own.
Do you do advance orders?
Sure. You want that with the ramming attachment?

 

by Scyess
2-06-05
Hey, Jon. What time is it?
Well, according to my satellite watch, it's 1:14.
Okay, tha-
...So if it's 1:14 in space, that means here on Earth, it's... let's see... um... carry the 6...
All right. You've stopped being helpful now.
Dammit! Why are girls only interested in guys with math skills?!

 

by Scyess
2-06-05
Problem, sir?
You call this a caramel mocha? This tastes like a big wad of unwashed hair!
Oh, sorry, sir. Looks like you got a toupeechino by mistake.
A t-... what?
That's disgusting! Who the hell would want...
Excuse me... I think you took my drink.

 

by Scyess
2-07-05
You're coming with us! Resistance is frugal!
Well, I do need to save some money...
Hey, Burt, let me see that Gray-to-English dictionary again.
Dammit, Wally, are you having another one of those "take me to your liederhosen" incidents?

 

by Scyess
2-08-05
Take me to your leader! Resistance is futile!
Uh, what?
I'm an alien. Take me to your leader!
What are the chances an alien would look just like a fat human with glasses and a goatee?
Statistically speaking, the same as the chances of my looking like anything else.
Then can I get you to come back in a few years? Our leader is kind of embarassing right now.

 

by Scyess
2-08-05
Okay, so what's your latest invention?
It's... a bucket!
No, buckets have already been invented.
Sure, but this is the Super High-Tech Bucket 5000 4.0!!
And how is that different from, say, a Wal-Mart bucket, $2.99?
Well, for one, my bucket's name is much cooler.

 

by Scyess
2-08-05
Sir, do you know why I stopped you?
Uh... becausche I'm publicalally intoxicrated?
...yes. And...?
And that chick you schtopped me from picking up doeshn't really look like Milla Jovovich?
Nope. More like Marlon Brando, I'd say.
Maybe it'sh tha boozhe talking, but that might've been intereshting...

 

by Scyess
2-09-05
------------------------------*KNOCK KNOCK*-----
Who is it?
Opportunity!
Just kidding! I'm selling vacuum cleaners.
"Just get 'em to open the door," they said. "They're as good as sold if you just get 'em face to face," they said...
Woah! I didn't know even one vacuum cleaner would fit there!

 

by Scyess
2-10-05
*sigh* I need a girl.
And all I have is this monkey.
It sure knows how to eat that banana, though, don't it...
Help!

 

by Scyess
2-10-05
*sigh* I need a girl.
And all I have is this sheep.
Baa!
*sigh* Too bad I'm not Scottish.
*Whew!*

 

by Scyess
2-10-05
*sigh* I need a girl.
And all I have is this giant, anthropomorphic insect.
Call me Gregor.
I'll call you whatever you want if you can satisfy my cravings.
I'll just go fetch my best mumu.

 

by Scyess
2-10-05
*sigh* I need a girl.
And all I have is this...
Why hellooooooo there!
Back off, mister. I saw what you did to that monkey.

 

by Scyess
2-11-05
Hey, did you know that Prince Charles is marrying Camilla Parker Bowles?
Did you know that the oppressive government of Robert Mugabe slew 10,000 members of the Ndebele tribe when he took power in 1980, and today you can still be beaten to death in Zimbabwe for reading?
What! Does Camilla know about this?!
Not if she has the same news sources as you.

 

by Scyess
2-12-05
Woah... I'm sooooooo wasted right now.
What? You don't really drink... or do drugs, or even snort N2O out of whipped cream canisters.
Oh. I guess I was referring to my life.
I guess you're going back to your 168 hour Bubble Bobble marathon after this conversation, then?

 

by Scyess
2-18-05
Relax, Jon. It's just the mall!
Just the mall? I'd rather be hijacked and anally raped by Basque terrorists than at the mall!
FREEZE, INFIDELS! WE ARE HIJACKING THIS INFEDL CAPITALIST HELLPIT!
PRAISE ALLAH!
Hey. Those aren't Basques. So much for irony.
Not to mention the fact that I'm still at the fucking mall.

 

by Scyess
2-18-05
Cower, infidel! We are taking this mall hostage in the name of Allah!
Uh, dude. What's with the suit?
We are fighting the stereotype of Muslims being swarthy, dirty, uneducated terrorists.
I think you may've missed the point...
Hey! When you take hostages, then you can give me pointers.

 

by Scyess
2-18-05
I was in my corner office earning six figures when it hit me that it was high time someone went out and prooved that Muslim terrorists aren't all fundamentalist MidEasterners. Which reminds me...
Ow.
I SMITE YOU WITH MY ARMANI BRIEFCASE IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!

 

by Scyess
2-18-05
You don't look like a terrorist.
That's kind of the point.
In fact, you're kind of cute.
You're not so bad yourself.
Wanna go out sometime?
Sure... if I manage to escape the conflagration after I get done hijacking this mall, we'll head to the Maccaroni Grill.

 

by Scyess
2-18-05
We need to escape these terrorists.
I think I have a plan... let me borrow your cellphone...
I didn' t really expect you to bash the terrorists in the head with it.
Good thing you can't afford one of those wimpy flip phones.

 

by Scyess
2-20-05
Mr. Drothe, I'm going to ask you outright... is your son Rupert might be having trouble at home?
Why do you ask?
When asked to define the law of conservation of energy, he replied "Keep that thermostat at 62 or I'll burn your scrawny ass for fuel, you little shit."
Gas is expensive.
Perhaps you should switch to electric.

 

by Scyess
2-20-05
Today at the mall I single-handedly subdued a gang of terrorists that were threatening to take the entire mall hostage.
Really? Today I finally beat level 27 in Bubble Bobble.
OH MY GOSH! WHAT'S IT LIKE? DID THE LITTLE DINOSAURS DANCE AROUND?!
Oh, yeah! All over the screen. It was so cool.

 

by Scyess
2-20-05
I just saw a bagpipe competition on TV.
Why do people have to turn every pleasure in life, such as music, into some sort of opportunity to one-up each other?
"Jon! Hurry up! You're missing the men's armrest-cover darning quarter finals on ESPN 8!"
I think Bill Rasmussen might have had something to do with it.
Yep.

 

by Scyess
2-20-05
What the hell?!
!
I swear... don't make me come over there!
!!!
I think bathroom stalls should have cell-phone-blocking forcefields around them.
How about just making phones so they explode if they're ever used within 10 feet of shit that isn't yours?

 

by Scyess
2-22-05
Excuse me. How long have you been depressed?
I'm not depressed.
Really? You look like a pretty big loser to me, with no social or romantic life to speak of... probably foot odor, too. You're even depressing me.
Okay, now I'm getting depressed.
Really? Larouche Gabbins, depression councilor. Give me a call and we'll talk rates.

 

by Scyess
2-23-05
You know, Jon, I've known you for so long, I kind of think of you as a long-term boyfriend.
Gosh, really?
Yeah. Except without the emotional attachment or sexual attraction.
So basically, that just leaves...
...my wicked desire to force you to clean the fucking bathroom already, you lazy slob.

 

by Scyess
2-23-05
Do you ever get the desire to denounce it all, rip off all your clothes and worldly posessions, and frolic naked and free through the park?
No.
Uh, me either.
Promise me this park is out of town, okay?

Showing page 21.

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