All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
8-18-11
Okay Ralph, everybody but you is ready to suck some blood! I'm puttin' you on the bench for now. Ralph...! Fall out!!! Next substitute Zombie... Fall In!!!
This isn't fair man! What? I can't suck blood 'cus I'm concerned about STD's? I'm callin' OSHA about this shit! He's violating the M.O.U., and I'll prove it!

 

by bigworm
8-18-11
?!!*#
Reporting for duty, and ready to suck some blood sir!

 

by bigworm
8-20-11
Listen up 'new guy'! We're Zombies preparing to go on a bloodlust march. This isn't... (just a minute, gotta' double check somethin').
Sir, yessir!
...be right back!
"rockink za baby bye-bye, in eine tree top, ven za vind is blowink, der kradle vill rock..."
Ok, I just checked to make sure........................., and according to the calendar, this isn't Oct.31!
Achtung! A vize guy eh?

 

by bigworm
8-20-11
My bad 'Her Zombiemiester', please excuse me vile I take off my costume.
But once in private, the devious purple Zombie begain using the natural telepathic link that twins have with each other...
"Adolf to Shlomo.... Adolf to Shlomo... are you dere? Come in Shlomo!"
... and the 'Purple Chortle Portal' was opened!
Ya... ya. I'm here Adolf, but vere are you? Vere is your vutabouts?

 

by bigworm
8-20-11
Adolf to Shlomo... Adolf to Shlomo... did you mean to say "Vut is your verabouts?"... because vut you said vas "Vere is your vutabouts," over...
Shlomo to Adolf... Shlomo to Adolf... I'm tinking dere must be some shatic in za line... I never said "Vere is your vutabouts,' over...
Adolf to Shlomo... Adolf to Shlomo... whatever! Have you infiltrated the Zombie compound yet? Over... (und you did say "Vere is your vutabouts," over...)

 

by bigworm
8-20-11
Shlomo to Adolf... Listen Adolf, you must stop mokkink me on ze radio, or I will call Daddy... over.
Adolf to Shlomo... don't be callink Daddy, or I will call the other Daddy... over, shhhh... somebody's comink!
Hey dude!!! Did you get that costume off yet?!!
I'll be out in a minute, gotta' finish powdering my conch!

 

by bigworm
8-20-11
Adolf to Shlomo... Adolf to Shlomo... Herr Zombiemeister is at za door, vere are you at, und vat are you doink??
Shlomo to Adolf... I am in za Zombie clubhouse und I am makink a poop... over.
Adolf to Shlomo... I am pleased to hear that your pooper is verking goot! Come quickly to the house I am in und vee vill fulfill Daddy's mission. But first... free Idi!

 

by bigworm
8-20-11
Bye bye Idi, catch you later!
Meanwhile...
I'm getting tired of holding this arm waiting for you. You'll have to powder your conch on your own time.
Sorry sir, but personal hygeine has always been very important to me! Now I'm all refreshed and ready to act in a manner resembling a bloodlusting Zombie!
You were supposed to take that stupid costume off!
Could you undo my zipper for me?

 

by bigworm
8-20-11
How can I undo your zipper? I only have one arm!
I don't know... how do you take a leak?
I pee in my pants, like any self-respecting Zombie! How do you take a leak?
As you can see, I don't wear pants!
So, how do you take a leak?
I just whizz in my conch and it drips out the end.

 

by bigworm
8-20-11
I never saw another Zombie who looks like you. Where are you from anyway?
Vietnam, the jungly part, and there's one more Zombie just like me who's gonna' be here in a minute.
Hmmm... I question that you're really a Zombie at all.
I question that you piss in your pants.
I do so!!! Can't you see the stain?
Have you thought about using that extra arm for fisting?

 

by bigworm
8-21-11
Fisting? What's that?
Eets kinda' like sign language, but a little more assertive.
We all have these extra arms, and we've never known what to do with them. I like it for 'bitch-slapping', but that's about it.
I know vat you mean. If I get a loose appendage zat doesn't come mit eine carrying case, I end up not usink it very much too. Now, back to za fistink... it vud give your arms a whole new life!
Sounds like it's right up my alley!
Vell said!

 

by bigworm
8-21-11
It's about time you got here! Herr Zombiemeister here vants us to teach him and za rest of der Zombies how to 'fist'.
Is zeez za 'sign language' type you're talkink about?
Yes... exactly! Are you 'up' for zat?
Ya, I tink so... und after I teach him how to fist, I can show him how to 'foot'.
Zat's right! Vee can show him our latest form...
Ach ya! 'Fist-Foot:Fist-Foot:Fist-Foot-BOOT'

 

by bigworm
8-22-11
Pull my articulating digit.
Okay... *pull*...
*plink*...
?!!?!
aahhh...
Oh, I get it! Hahahahaha hahahahaha!

 

You know... the problem of world hunger is not one of too little food, but rather the transportation and distribution of the food supply.
We could be truck drivers in the effort to transport and distribute, but NO, we get slaughtered instead.
by bigworm, 8-22-11

 

Pull my pork.
No can do... have a hard enough time pullin' my own!
by bigworm, 8-22-11

 

Would you say that the 'swinekeeper' is one of the animals in the barnyard?
I certainly would.
by bigworm, 8-22-11

 

How would this place even get along without us here?
As long as there was a sheep around, it could operate as a whorehouse.
by bigworm, 8-22-11

 

by bigworm
8-23-11
I've come a long ways...
Yes my son from the west... your journey has been a long one, and you are tired.
I don't kno...
No no no! Don't ever begin a quest for the truth with the words "I don't know..." I am here to help you 'know'.
But I just...
Make still your busy mind, think of nothing... but... uhh... uhhh, are you wearing a rubber vagina?

 

by bigworm
8-23-11
Welcome to the 'East Meets West Learning Center', where we have translated Eastern concepts into Western terms.
You mean like Alan Watts did?
Yes, very similar to what he did. However we use terms that are more tangible than his.
Could you give me an example?
Yes... he gave a clear but lengthy explanation regarding the concept of 'oneness'. We call 'oneness' the 'bon bon'.
Not truffle?

 

by bigworm
8-23-11
That's right... WHIP your pelvis to and fro, front and back! SNAP it to the front, then SNAP it to the back!
Like this?
You are thrusting like a statue! Are you even moving?!! Do you even remember our credo?
Yes, I'm moving, and I sort of remember the credo. It's just that it's all so... so... homosexual to say the least.
Homosexual or not... "YOU RAPE THE GRAVY, YOU GET THE CHOCOLATE ." You want some chocolate? Come get yer gravy!

 

by bigworm
8-23-11
It's evening, and the monks prepare to retire.
It's at this time (in the belly of the temple), that one can hear the monks start their mystical koanic engines...
*vroom slap slap*
*vroom vroom*
... and then as they roar into the night with the sounds of one hand!
*fap fap fap fap fap fap fap*
*fa-fappa fa-fappa fa-fappa fapp fapp*

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
I hope you can help me... my dick is real small.
I can help you in either of two ways.
I can refer you to a colleague of mine who runs a penis enlargement clinic...
... or you can show it to me, and I can laugh at it, in the hope that it will resent the laughter and grow bigger in response.

 

There is a third, but very dangerous way in which I can offer you help regarding the diminutive (*ha ha ha*, excuse me) size of your (*yick yick yick*, so sorry)... uhhh...
by bigworm, 8-24-11

 

So... what's the 3rd. way?
I got some 'whore boots' and a wig in the back room.
by bigworm, 8-24-11

 

It's hard to decide... all three sound like really good options.
by bigworm, 8-24-11

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
You know that song 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'? It just pisses me off! It's like telling a poor Brazilian orphan, "Don't eat out of the landfill, eat at a fancy restaurant."
Calm down! It's just a 'jingle', and a cute one at that! I don't think it's intended to be a working philosophy. So, as a 'jingle'... it works great!
I get where you're comin' from, but people have 'real' problems, so why not sing a 'real' song that offers something 'real'?
I'll tell you what a 'REAL' problem is bucko! A 'REAL' problem is my fucking 1/2" dick! Talk about 'REAL' problems... try having a 1/2" fucking dick!!!
Wow! That is a 'real' problem. I'm sorry. I... I don't know what to say... uhhh... "DON'T WORRY, BECOME A WOMAN"?
Yeh, okay.

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
Could you explain the concept of 'oneness' to me so that I could understand it as well as relate to it?
Imagine you're an astronaut looking back at earth from space. You see only one large living organism. You might see the 'one' in that way. So all life is 'one'.
Thanks, that does clear it up. What about the dead things though... what part do they play in the concept?
Well... none I suppose. I mean they're dead...
... right?

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
So, we don't have to think about the dead stuff, 'cus it's dead... right?
Right.
Right?

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
But isn't the dead stuff full of micro-organisms and such... so that really it's alive too?
Right.
So then we do have to consider the dead to be part of the living. Am I wrong?
That's right... you're not wrong.
Then if I'm right, you must've been wrong, right?
You know, two 'wrongs' don't make a 'right', unless you say one right after the other.

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
Huh?!!
The two wrongs cancel each other out, producing a 'right'. Therefore, you are the one who was wrong.
Waaahhh waahhh, I'm so unworthy.
There there now...
*sniff sniff*
...you've come to the right place.

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
You know... in a way, this might just be the best possible desert island scenario. I'm stranded on a desert island with a wise-man, and coconut hair.
It's good to have a positive attitude, but how is this the best??
Well, we got an unworth son-of-a-bitch (with an open mind), a lying sack of shit (who happens to be bald), and coconut hair to make a wig... bitch!
Well, you can go ahead and put the wig on... skank...!
... but I prefer you without it!

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
You got it all wrong Mr. Monkbitch. You're gonna' wear the wig, and I'm gonna' fuck the shit outta' you.
Don't mess with me motherfucker, unless you want brown teeth! I know kung-fu!
Ooofff, *blub blub*!
Take that imperial motherfucker dog!
That didn't make my teeth brown, did it... you yellow-crack dumbass!
I like to start in the front.

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
Put up yer dukes, turd-face!
One order of 'brown teeth' comin' right up!
aahhh so, *chop chop*!
Squeal like a pig, and I'll be right with you!

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
Honest Doc, I want cock really bad, but I just can't seem to bring myself to go for it. What the hell's that about?
Right off the top of my head, I would say you were a latent homosexual, unable to express your homosexuality in a physical way.
But why?
Strong attachment to pussy.

 

by bigworm
8-24-11
This is my cat for Christ sakes, I hold it and pet it! I don't fuck it!
Maybe you've been thinking about it?

 

by bigworm
8-29-11
*whew* You are so realistic! How ya feelin' today?
What kinda' question is that? I feel like shit!
Hey! You aren't bein' rude to customers, are ya?
Oh fuck no! I'm make sure I'm on my best behavior when customers walk by.
Judy!!! Would you please bring me the 'Talking Jesus' sculpture accessory pack with the whip and spear in it?
Shit!

 

by bigworm
8-30-11
You'd better believe it's big... asshole! Just wait a minute, I'll show ya'!
I'll whup it out and club ya' wid it!
"Hold yer horses! It takes a while to unfurl!"

 

by bigworm
8-30-11
Prace quarter in srot, then ask question...
Is life a...
Insert coin prease.
I just did!
No.
Yes I did!
Fine! Stop bitching... ask question.

 

by bigworm
8-30-11
Prace quarter in srot , then ask question...
Ok, so my question is, is life a bowl of cherries?
*... proclamation pending* Prease step forward and put cherry on Zenni's tongue.
What? Do you mean MY cherry?
Must hurry, gateway to wisdom crowsing fast!!!
XXX CENSORED XXX
Ok, I'm doing it, I'm doing it! I think my cherry's on your tongue.
One moment prease while I process your request. *SRURP srurp, SRURP srurp, SRURPING ching, aahhh...so, la, ti, da!!!* That's it baby! Lide 'em cowboy!!!

 

by bigworm
8-30-11
Prace quarter in srot, then ask question...
uhhh... Zenni?
*slurp slurp slurp, yum yum... slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp, yum yum... yum yum yum, slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp...* you cumming...?
WHAT?!! Did you ask me if I was cumming?!!
hmmm... *slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp* Someone say sumping? *slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp*
I SAID, did you ask me if I was cumming?!!
*slurp slurp slurp* ... back to China in future? *slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp!*

 

by bigworm
8-31-11
So, what about life being a bowl of cherries?
What? Life is a bowl of cherries?
That's my question!
Okay! Prease insert quarter in srot! Then ask question.
I already put my quarter in, and Zenni didn't answer my question!
But Zenni rick cunt... no?

 

by bigworm
8-31-11
Yes Allah... I hear you! Groovy must die!
Allah, I need a weapon! Use what?!!! Kill him with what?!! Whatever you say Allah! Okay... bye!
Motherfucker wants me to use my beak!

 

by bigworm
8-31-11
I'll slip out of the cage just before dark...
He'll probably be saying "Groovy" as he walks past the corn chips, that lay in the bag, that's been left partly open, on the shelf by the fridge and the back door. That's why they're stale!
Groovy!
Then the carnage will begin! With nothing more than my my anterior pecker, I will (in understandably small increments), peck him to death!
Take that!!! *peck peck peck*! ...and that!!! *peck peck peck*! Live by the pecker... Die by the pecker! *PECK PECK PECK*!!! Have anything to say before I administer the final PECKING?
It only hurts when dirt gets in the peck-holes!

 

by bigworm
9-01-11
Don't ever force me to do that again! That's not what my mouth is for!
I'm so sorry honey! You know how much I hate using force during sex.
It's just that when you say "No"... well...
... I guess I must hate that just a tad more or something like that.

 

by bigworm
9-01-11
But if you loved me, you wouldn't do that to me.
Now you're equating sex with love, and that's just not right, and it hurts me that you would do that.
I'm sorry... I didn't mean to h...
Love is beyond sex.
Yes it is! I don't know what I was thinking... forgive me?
I'm trying. Please don't go there anymore!

 

by bigworm
9-01-11
Actually, blowjobs aren't even considered 'sex' by many people. Even Bill Clinton didn't think they were.
You're right! I had forgotten that. Even I consider oral gratification to be an abomination of the pleasure ritual between man and woman.
Kinda' like the 'Abominable Snowman', huh? *tee-hee tee-hee*
*ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!* Exactly like that! *hee hee hee*
So you're gonna' stop, right?
I will fight the 'snowman' 'till my dying day!

 

by bigworm
9-01-11
Oh honey, I just love the way you use your logic to solve our personal problems.
You know, with my logic, and your superior analogies, it's highly probable that personal gratification will at least be achieved by the one holding a preponderance of influence.
OMG!!! You're intelligence makes me all giddy and wet, except now I have cottonmouth from talking too much! *tee-hee tee-hee*
Cottonmouth?

 

by bigworm
9-01-11
Yeh... you know, 'cottonmouth', from talking too much.
Of course! You know what? Your words just make me so horny! Let's celebrate our newfound understanding with some newfound zeal!
Where should we start?
I don't know, uhhh... but I don't want to abandon every trace of familiarity... any suggestions?
Hmmm...
You mean "Hmmm...", as in 'hummer'?

 

Does a blowjob work for you?
I'm not sure, but I'm willing to give it a shot!
by bigworm, 9-01-11

 

by bigworm
9-01-11
*shplut shplut shplut, ack ack ack, ook ook ook*
OOOHHHH BABY! Oh dear God... oh yeh, yeh... that's it, just like that! Suck it baby, suck it... *clutch clutch*
*shlurp shlurp drool, shlurp shlurp drool* Please honey, don't clutch my head!
Oh, sorry baby! *clutch clutch clutch, ram ram ram, clutch clutch clutch, ram ram ram*
Please *shlurp shlurp* STOP!!! You're still *shlurp shlurp* clutching me! Please let loose! Let loose! *shlurp shlurp!*
Did you say "Let loose"? Okay baby... ok, but only 'cus you said so! *clutch clutch, humpa humpa, clutch clutch, humpa humpa*

Showing page 23.

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