All comics by christopher7murphy

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Eenie Meanie, Miney, and Moe pissed off a tiger and off they did go.
?
-herherher snort- Lets throw things at the tiger. Tigers are so gay! -herherher- snort!
Miney and Moe took off thier shoe and heft it at the tiger in the San Francisco Zoo.
GRRRRRRRrrrr!
-TeenerHeener snarf- Yeah! Yeah! Let's throw things at it.
The tiger got pissey and jumped off the wall and swallowed poor Meanie, numbnuts and all!
Burp!
We shoulda just stuck to blowin' up gerbils.

 

A tiger in the San Francisco Zoo, has eaten a teenage boy after he and friends taunted it.
Apparently, the teens have a history of "Beavis and Butthead" behavior.
City leaders across the country have banded together with a single objective for concerned parents!
"We need more tigers!"
Damn Straight!

 

Although you were taunted, a San Francisco Tiger must not eat metally disturbed young people.
"They're GRRRREAT!"
In my defense, I thought they were burritos.
Any last requests?
Yeah...could I get Michael Vick to rub my belly?

 

As a tiger, I realize I have a temper. I never should let a few misguided kids get me so upset.
I'd give anything to do it all over again.
If only to get the taste of idiot out of my mouth.

 

For my New Years Resolution, I plan on being more relaxed, less irritated, and a far friendlier store clerk.
At Walmart, I can get this book for seventy five percent cheaper than you!
Oh....Screw it!

 

Which book is better? "What your Doctor Won't Tell You About Menopause" or "Menopause and Me?"
Mam...do I LOOK like I would have read either of those books?
"Menopause and Me." -sigh-

 

Oh, Doctor! My little baby stuck a KEY up her nose!
Relax! Relax.
But now her nose is RUNNING!

 

Hey...I know!
You could sell your soul to me and I could make you a world famous artist! Come on....
...Grant Would!

 

Hey! There are "Clowns in my coffee."
"Clowns in my coffee."
You're so vain!

 

Master Yoda, must you always serve me these three week old Krispy Kremes in my Happy Meal?
Make my weekly sales goal, I must.
I like Krispy Kremes, but....
Rebuilding stock in Krispy Kreme Inc., I must!
I mean, REALLY.... I would love some french fries to go along with my burger!
“Do or donut... there is no fry.”

 

EEE-Haaa! Happy Cinco de Mayo !
Cinco de Mayo?
Si! Cinco de Mayo.
EEE-Haaa! Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Hey...who dumped all the mayonaise down the drain?

 

Let me tell you! If I were running this business...things would be different!
That's like a fly trying to teach a monkey how to scratch his ass.
Only the monkey knows where it really itches...And the fly just wants to stir up shit.
It's time for my break.

 

So...Mr. Durdyape...um...
Please...call me Dan.
So...Dan, how do you feel that you are qualified to work at the Book Store?
I can alphabetize and ballance spreadsheets. I'm a fast worker, ....and Oh! I'm a "people person."
Very impressive!
I can skin and tan one before you can say, "I'll be a monkey's war bonnet!"

 

Welcome to the First National Bank! Where you can get ZERO interest on all new accounts for the lifetime of your account!
That's incredible. No interest on any account I open...what so ever?
No interest at all!
That's great, I need a loan.
Who cares!

 

Try to stack four of yours across in any direction before your opponent does!
I'm cuttin' you pimps 'fore you can cut me!
You blocked me! Im gonna get you!
I win!
Where?
See...diagonally!
Pretty sneaky, Bitch!

 

Who are you?
I'm the new guy. I started last week.
Well...stay away from my banana!
Sir! Do I look like the kinda guy that would steal a co-workers lunch?
Sorry...for the last few days, someone's been taking the banana that I bring for lunch.
No worries...I found this one in that magic cold box in the break room.

 

How's business?
Fantastic!
We're ahead five hundred already.
Wow...five hundred dollars?
No...Five hundred Bananas.

 

Dan, I'm afraid you need to understand something.
oh?
To stay in business, we need to make money...not bananas.
Is this because of all the fecal material in periodicals?

 

I'd like a Whopper with cheese, please.
I'm sorry sir.
We no longer serve the Whopper at Burger King.
Then can I have a cheeseburger with everything?
Okay.

 

How's your dinner?
Well...I wasn't gonna say anything, but...
These peas are harder than a whore's heart.
...and twice as tastey!

 

I think I felt a rain drop.
by christopher7murphy, 1-17-08

 

-Hic-
-Hic-
-Hic-

 

Do not imagine, comrades, that being an Omega is a pleasure. On the contrary, it is a deep and heavy responsibility.
"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others."
No one believes more firmly than Dean Wormer that the Delta House is a group of perverts and degenerates!
HEY! No one says it's over until WE say it's over!
That's it! You are all on "Double Secret Probation!"
The negroes are stealing our sheep.

 

..and alas...as a man of the jungle, he really should have used his God given name: Sir Richard of Greystoke.
Man...you better be careful. Them things'll kill ya!
I can handle it!
Monkey Dick?

 

Here lies Allan Melvin, the distictive voice of Magilla Gorilla.
...A popular television cartoon about a pet store constantly trying to clearance out a gorilla with a big heart and clumsy footing.
Magilla Gorilla, we will miss you. We hope you rest in peace. As we honor your passing, we are left asking ourselves...
How much for the DEAD gorilla in the window?

 

-ring ring- Hello? This is Bob Newhart.
You say my wife just died? Impossible...she's here with me.
Ohhhh...my "TELEVISION wife."
Listen pal, I enjoy my appliances as much as the next guy... but I NEVER had marital relations with my television set!
The blender would get jealous.

 

Black B takes White P.
And..CHECKMATE!

 

-knock-knock- Hello, Mr. Ledger? House keeping. Hello?
Are you in there? Your "Masseuse" is here. He says you are expecting him.
...And he also says this time, "no more happy endings!"

 

Jackie! I haven't seen you since you were a kid. What ya been up to?
Well, I'm a baker now. I've been to all the best baking schools.
Indiana School of Cakes and Biscuits,The Institute of Confectionary Treats, Cresent University, and four others.
You're so much taller than I remember.
I'm on a roll.

 

Here we have Fireman, Flash Byrnes and a marvelous example of Contemporary Classic.
Thanks Bob. I found this in my attic while looking for a rather nasty smell. It use to belong to my parents.
It truely is beautiful. Too bad it seems to be missing some of it's original pieces.
I believe the missing pieces are hanging on my father's rear view mirror.
This item could very well be valued at the upper end...if only it came in it's original box.
Nope. That's why Dad cut the damn things off. It use to hump the furniture.

 

Stand-Up Gynecology
Ladies? Was that a Pap Smear or are you just glad to be here?
Amature Night
The Doctor is in!

 

tweet
Now children.
Take SMALLER bites!

 

For Chuck, it was a ventriliquist's worst nightmare come true!
He forgot to get dressed. He forgot his partner. He forgot his lines.
And he broke wind in front of a room full of his peers!
And we STILL saw your lips move!

 

-
.
-

 

99 bottles of beer on the wall! 99 bottles of beer!
Oh God, I can't feel my legs!
Give it up, Chester.

 

Hey. There are no more Comic Price Guides in your Antiques & Collecting section.
I'll order a copy for you right away.
Don't you have any in ANOTHER section?
Um..no. This is the section they would be kept in.
What if one was put in the wrong section? Let's look.
Okay...but watch out for the flying monkeys.

 

The book I need has a blue cover and the author is bald.
There's a letter 'S' in the title, and it was on some talk show I saw last year.
HEY! Get back here! Don't you have a Bald Section?

 

Lucy! You got some 'splaining to do!
But Ricky. I just wanted to be in the porno.
I told you that I don't want you in the porno.
But Ricky! Wahhhh!
Fred? Do you and Ethel still have that video camera and dead midget?
♫ Come to me my Bukkake-choly baby ♫

 

Lucy! You purposely defied me and went and made your own porno with Fred and Ethel.
But we stand to make a lot of money entering it in the State Fair Amature Film Contest.
But what do you know about amature porn?
Fred and Ethal use to preform as part of their vaudiville act...and I can play Glow Worm.
Fred told me he even won some sorta award.
I gotta Woody!

 

Ay Carumba! Lucy, you actually got something at the State Fair with your homemade porno?
Yes Ricky. But please don't get mad, Honey.
I'm not mad. How much did you win?
Welllllll...We didn't actually get money.
What did you get?
Arrested.

 

Lucy! Look what happened. Now we are all sentenced to life in prison.
Wahhhhhhh!
How did I know that dead midget was just Ethel cut up with a chainsaw?
Will you two keep the racket down! I've gotta gig with my new prison bitch!

 

..........................................................................................................................................................
Hello, Penile Support System?? The tip broke off again.
by christopher7murphy, 2-11-08

 

.............................................................
Good lord! Look at the window. He's streaking!
.............................................................
Wheet-Wooo!
.........................................................
Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

 
LAND HO!
Fifty dolla?

 

Ha Ha!
Soon I will be prepared over an open flame. Sautéed in a delicate wine sauce, and served with steamed aspargus. Ha!
Curses... boiled again.

 

I came for my book. My name is Jefferies Q. Houseal, DDS.
Right away Doctor.
Wuh? Why did you call me "Doctor?"
Because you said you were a DDS.
A Dead Duck Sucker?

 

We are gathered here today to lay to rest the ashes and soul of Moviedom's Roy Scheider.
I notice many of Roy's movies are represented here today.
Jaws, All That Jazz, The French Connection, Klute, and Marathon Man..just to name a few.
...But did you all have to come in Blue Thunder?
"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

 

Abducted from his adopted world, Howard the Duck is once again thown into a weird demension.
WAKK!
He finds himself in the world of Stripcreator! At first, Howard's abrasive behavior lets him fit right in.
Heya toots! How bout a little 'Peeking Duck?'
Soon however, Howard meets his demise with one sarcastic remark too many.
Where's a 'Giant Sized Man-Thing' reference when you really need one?
-giggle-

 

We are gathered here to honor Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.
Smarter than the average ranger!
Founder of Transcendental Meditation. The Maharishi taught his ways to thousands.
Including such celebrities as the Beatles, Andy Kaufman, the Beach Boys, and Doug Henning.
It is a common misconception that he could float. Actually, it was just a meditative bouncing upon a floor mat.
I wanna come back as a SUPER-BALL!

 

Ha Ha!
Soon I will be prepared over an open flame. Sautéed in a delicate wine sauce, and served with steamed aspargus. Ha!
Well...that was foolhardy.

Showing page 23.

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