All comics by four_legged_tripod

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What the hell?!
Wilford Brimley?
Yes?
I am the ghost of Diabeetus Future.
What happened to the ghosts of Diabeetus Past and Present?
To be honest, those two ships have sailed. Now grab your swollen feet and get in the ambulance.

 

 

It was the coldest winter I could remember in recent memory. That proves global warming is a myth!
Well it gets so hot each summer that my skin melts off, so that's gotta mean something about climate change.
How are we going to end this debate?
I don't think we can. People have been debating this since at least the early 80s.
So the debate has taken about as long as it has taken this contest to develop.
Yep...

 

 

Tabby Cat! I choose you!
Alley Cat! I choose you!
rawr?
*hack* *hack* *hack*

 

Dinner's almost ready. Call your brother.
Hey shit bag, fuck wad, cunt muffin!
What? You didn't tell me what to call him.

 

Welcome to the Ross Perot memorial celebration.
That's weird. I thought Ross Perot would be here. I guess I'll try next door.
Welcome to the Ross Perot memorial celebration.
He's not here either? What's the deal?
If you want to see Mr. Perot, you'll have to wait for the third party.

 

With Hurricane Barry headin' this way, I'd better board up this here broken door.
I wonder if I got some spare boards in the attic I ain't a usin'.
That should do 'er!

 

So, you might find this request a little odd.
Try me. I'm into a lot.
I like to tell dad jokes while having sex.
Um, okay. That doesn't sound so bad.
Hey, dad, what do you call an old snowman?

 
by four_legged_tripod, 7-24-19

 

Then you say that he is now a new man ... tell me why
Well, for starters, because finally I could leave the straw and the porn
and what else has he left
I wanted to leave my wife but when I left her I started to make eggs
boiled like which
how to buy me an electric bicycle

 

Hey you !!!
What ?
Hey you !!!
What ?
Go to radios
learn the XD spelling best

 

So how was the business trip?
Sucked. I got to Japan with plans to learn some Japanese to slip into conversation to impress this Japanese guy I was meeting.
I was in my hotel room, right by the honeymoon suite. I heard the couple next door. She's screaming, "Machigatta ana". I figure it means Great! Wonderful!
or something like that. The next day we're golfing and he hits a hole in one, so I yell "Machigatta ana" and he looks me straight in the eye, and says...
What do you mean "wrong hole"?

 

It was once a robot
Someone said I was ugly
BUT YOU'RE FULL
He felt alone
I'm so alone, I have no friends
But one day ...
Hey, do you want to be my best friend?
No, who wants to be friends with black ice cream?

 

Your mom and I are tired of you changing your hair color by wiping it on things.
You left your shoe polish out. That's your fault. I can go all day without wiping my head on anything.
Smashed fruit, wet paint, doesn't matter. You'll see!
Well fuck!

 

Remember to thrown your snack trash away, kids. Food attracts bugs.
Hey, baby! Let's get it on!

 

Amazon.com Headquarters
I know Apple has most of the market, but I think we can get back in it.
What are you suggesting?
A re-launch of our tablets. But how?
What about a publicity stunt? I think I got just the thing!
...you can clearly see the smoke for miles. And now for more on the Amazon Fire, we turn to...

 

Welcome to Jimmy Johns. What can I get started for you?
Got anything new?
We can offer you an egg on any sandwich.
Great. How are the eggs done?
Poached.

 

I'm not being critical, I'm just worried about your health.
By pointing out every pound I've put on?
I just think you could cut back a little or maybe read up a little more about health.
Actually, I did do some reading on the subject.
Really?
Yeah, after my fifth trip through the Chinese buffet line, I opened my fortune cookie and it read, "Good health will be yours for a long time."

 

Don't you feel bad playing grab ass all day with Carol?
Why should I?
Well, I know it's consentual, Carol talks about it all time, but you both are married.
Oh, that. My wife is actually very encouraging about it.
Really?
Yeah. Every morning when I leave, she tells me to have a great day at work.

 

Well, well, well. If it isn't Eddie Money.
It is. So are you going to let me in or not?
Not. I've got video footage from several hotels that would not warrant your enterance.
Oh yeah? Well I got...
Don't say it!
Two tickets to Paradise!

 

I'm not sure why you need to practice your ventriloquism in the bedroom, but whatever. Go ahead.
R E S E P C T. Find out what it means to me...
Uh, why do you insist on using your penis as your ventriloquist doll?
I've named the inside of my penis "Urethra Franklin".

 

Thank you for shopping at Walmart. May I take a look at your receipt?
Why?
Store policy. We want to make sure you haven't left anything behind or forgot to pay for something.
But why?
Again, store policy.
But I'm white!

 

What's with the gun, Mike?
I'm going out to get some lunch.
You're going hunting on your lunch break? Please don't tell me you plan to field dress a deer in the break room.
Nothing like like. I'm going to get a chicken sandwich from Popeyes.

 

Ouch! You pinched my chin!
I pinched your chest.
Right. My chest skin, or "ch-in" as I call it.
What do you call your chin?
My bottom fart.

 

Why do you call your chin your "bottom fart"?
It's the bottom most face part.
Bottom f-art.
Soooo, what do you call it when your bottom farts?
Oh, that's a dick.

 

Wait. You call your farts a dick?
Yep. They are disgusting ick. You've smelled them. "D-ick"!
I'm afraid to ask but what do you call your dick?
"Mr. Willis".
Why Mr. Willis?
It's the name your mama calls it.

 

I'm back from the gym. I'm going to take a shower and change.
Oh thank God!
What?
You've been an asshole for 20 years, I didn't think you'd ever change!

 

Where did you get that marijuana leaf stuck on your backpack?
Some guy was handing them out.
Where?
The grand opening of the new Chinese restaurant.
Chinese restaurant?
Yeah. He was handing out samples of pot stickers.

 

Oh my God! I love this song! Somebody turn it up!
C'mon ladies. Less twerking, more working.
Oh my God! This bar stool is loose! Somebody get a wrench!
C'mon ladies. Less working, more twerking.

 

Sir! All the employees down stairs are sick and acting weird. It could be an epidemic or zombie outbreak!
Your point is?
We need to get out before we all get infected!
Oh, management knows all about it. We've even been exposed and there has been no effect on us.
So it's not a zombie outbreak?
Nope. Just a simple staff infection.

 

Welcome to the Exploratorium here in San Francisco.
Vat a nice place.
There have been some security issues so a moratorium has been placed on all picture taking.
Okay.
And later, we will see the dairy farm where we gather the milk in the cream-atorium.
Oka---. Vait a minute!

 

I'm looking for some new bedding. What would you recommend?
Well, if you were Amish, I'd recommend a quilt because all Amish people use quilts.
If you were Middle Eastern, I'd recommend an afghan because all Middle Easterners use afghans. If you were---
Stop. Would you please quit using blanket statements?

 

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Wrong stairway?
Wrong stairway.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
And this is why you're here, sheep fucker!

 

Monkey! You're back! Where have you been?
Had to lay low. Tweets about pussy grabbing, taint licking, and slut shaming are not as in fashion as they used to be.
So what brings you back?
You know how unattractive women hang out with uglier women to make themselves look better?
Yeah?
Harvey Weinstein wants me to sit next to him at his trial.

 

Harvey!
Monkey! Thanks for doing this.
No problem. You holding up okay?
All in all, I'm hanging in there.
Where's your walker?
Shit! Who the fuck's in charge of props?!

 

Do you feel good about the closing arguments, Harvey?
I do. My lawyer pointed out that these women have found me in a very vulnerable position and are using their place of power to get what they want from me.
Uh...
Yeah?
What?

 

This is it Harvey. The jury has started deliberations. Nervous?
Not really. After the open letter my lawyer wrote the jury about doing the right thing, I think we got this.
Some people might find the letter to be a form of jury tampering. An attempt to manipulate the system in order to get your way.
#MeToo
You're still not using that hashtag right, Harvey.

 

Where are you going?
Walmart.
Not like that you're not.
What's wrong with a dress shirt, jama pants and flip flops?
You're overdressed.

 

Third day of deliberations.
Yep.
Are you worried about all the notes the jury is sending to the judge?
Nope. It gave me a chance to slip my own note in there.
What did it say?
"Will you go out with me? Check yes or no."

 

Thanks for visiting me Monkey.
Sorry I couldn't have been more help.
You could come back and visit over the next 25 years.
Wow. You'll be, what? 102 when you get out?
I'm only 67.
Really? The years have not been good to you Harvey.

 

25 years.
Yep.
How am I going to last 25 years?
You could learn a new language, get a degree, write a screenplay.
No. I mean how am I going to last 25 years as a sex addict with no sex?
I'm guessing that won't be an issue in here, Harv.

 

So James, we are going to turn the tables and ask you your own questions. What is your favorite sound?
Ack wha uhhnn.
That's weird. What's your least favorite sound?
Fuuuuuuuck! Son of a biiiiiiiitch!
That should be your answer for your favorite cuss word shouldn't it James? James? Mr. Lipton?

 

 

Where are you going? It's almost dinner time.
To wash my hands. You've been harping on me to wash my hands before I touch my face.
You listened to me? After all those talks about the flu and the coronavirus, you actually listened to me?
Yep. I just wish you would have given me this advice before I started masturbating.

 

So you're going to be the captain on the Titanic 2, huh?
Sure am.
And you'll be sailing the same course as the first Titanic. Isn't that tempting fate?
Not at all.
Why not?
Global warming. No icebergs.

 

Hey Harvey. I came over as soon as I heard. Are you okay?
Yeah. Just fell and hit my head.
It wasn't a soap in the shower thing was it? Cuz I told you not to drop it.
Nope. Just couldn't find my wheelchair.
Well shit. We need to find it fast. The more sitting you do around here, the better for your asshole.

 

Hey Harvey. I brought you a visitor.
Mr. President!
mummble mummble mummble
Pardon me?
Whoa! Hey! Easy there Harv. I don't think that even I could stoop that low!

 

Harvey! What the hell?
What?
Your emails have just been released and you said Jennifer Aniston should be killed!
I was pissed. They accused me of groping her which didn't happen. They just look at me and accuse me of anything they want just because of my past!
Sounds like a case of Rachel profiling.

Showing page 24.

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