All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
10-11-05
My biological clock is ticking.
*choke*
*convulse*
I was kidding.
*relief*

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-05
My mother said my biological clock is ticking.
wtf?
I haven't listened to her since 7th grade, why start now?
lewl

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-05
My girlfriend said her biological clock was ticking.
So I unplugged the damned thing.

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-05
My mother said my biological clock is ticking.
Yikes.
So I threw it out a window.
Then I nuked it from orbit, just to be sure.
Good call.

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-05
Ivy and boorite here, for an important message.
Are you tired of those lamez0rz matchmaking commercials that promise to put you with your "soulmate?"
Why search a group of random strangers in the hopes of finding the one person who isn't a psycho?
Wouldn't you rather look for love among a group of your peers?
If so, Stripcreator is the place for you.
Strippers. Perverts. Your kind of people.

 

by ivytheplant
10-14-05
I just realized I had my two year Stripcreator anniversary on Sunday.
Congratulations, you've come so far.
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of mothers tsked in disappointment and were suddenly criticizing me.
Yes, we're very proud of you.

 

by ivytheplant
10-14-05
Ivytheplant: SC Year One
Must kill everyone...
After you feed me, slave.
Ivytheplant: SC Year Two
Lust...
Confirmed: Not a lesbian.
What will Year Three bring?
Moh.
Lame.

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-05
My tooth is hurting again.
How bad is it?
I'm going to go see what kind of painkillers I can make in the kitchen.
I'm going to move to another zip code.

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-05
I started hallucinating Muppets in the treets. Then they turned into cartoon ghosts. After that, it was a man with a handlebar mustache making faces at me.
Interesting...
Then HR Giger aliens started coming out of the mirror.
I'd say you should cut back on the OTC drugs.
Actually, this was before I took anything for the pain. I'm better now.
You don't say.

 

by ivytheplant
10-18-05
And who shall I say is calling?
Kat.
Pat?
No, Kat. Like the housepet.
Oh, that's soooo cute!
Last name: YouSuck.

 

by ivytheplant
10-18-05
While growing up in the south...
So are you related to Nathan Rogers?
Hell no.
All the time...
Are you related to Heith Rogers?
Thank god, no.
It never ended...
Are you related to any of the thousands of Rogers's in this county?
For the last time, every day I give thanks that I'm not related to anyone south of the Mason-Dixon Line!

 

by ivytheplant
10-19-05
Honey, I'm hoooome!
I'm barefoot in the kitchen!
Are you pregnant?
Not yet. You must not be trying hard enough. And by trying, I mean--
Yeah yeah. On the bed with you!
Scroe!

 

by ivytheplant
10-19-05
I'm going outside for a smoke.
Must remove pants...
Aha! I see that I've taught you well!
I meant yours.
Scroe!

 

We couldn't save them. The pockets were torn and the zipper had fallen off.
Lewl.
by ivytheplant, 10-20-05

 

First Stripper on the moon...
Lewl.
by ivytheplant, 10-20-05

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-05
At the FedEx "office" during business "hours."
What's your address?
467 N 4th.
Oh, then you have that guy. He's always running late.
I couldn't imagine.
What's yer address?
1313 Mockingbird Lane.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-05
So do you guys ever knock?
Of course.
But you didn't and I was home.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
If I got any closer to the door I would have been outside.
I knocked loud.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-05
Look, I don't know what you're so upset.
First of all, your business "hours" are 15 minutes and a time when most people are still at work.
So? That's our perogative to keep business hours the way we want.
Your "office" is an empty warehouse in a junkyard in the middle of nowhere. And you didn't knock.
I swear I knocked.
A few back, yes, I can see that.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-05
Dear Midnight Star Creations: Your funds are now available for withdrawl. But since we're fuckheads, you can't do anything else.
I wonder what my balance is.
$0.47.
I'm going to withdraw just to be a bitch.
Error. The minimum amount you may withdraw is $1.00 USD.
Must nuke from orbit...

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-05
I want my damned $.47. It's become a matter of principle.
Neener neener.
[Add funds, $.53]
Accounts with limited access may not perform this type of electronic transfer.
Hey boorite, do you still have that fertilizer and diesel fuel?
I'll be right over.

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-05
http://uwadmnweb.uwyo.edu/BUSHVISIT/
Apparently George Bush Sr. is coming to UW.
Now there's a cultural event.
"...any weapons including pocket knives, signs, banners, posters or similar materials will not be allowed..."
Signs, banners, and posters are weapons?
Obviously you haven't seen the kind of papercuts a sign can make.
And sign handles can be sharpened to fight legions of undead presidents.

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-05
I think we should go. And bring signs.
Let's bring our brains. The most destructive weapon of all!
You forgot Jet Li.
What about Stephen Chow? He was the chosen one.
Okay, but if I see even a glimpse of Keanu Reeves, Bush dies.
Tempt...

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-05
You should have been here when Dick Cheney came to visit.
Ahhh, good ol' DICK.
UW was filled with protesters, but not a single person I talked to ever saw him. This just proves he doesn't exist.
He died four years ago. They hold seances whenever they need a sound byte.
Since he's from Wyoming, maybe we'll see him on the Haunted Laramie tour tonight.
I'll bring my tape recorder and electromagnetic spectrum reader!

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-05
I just bought myself a pneumatic brad nailer!
Awesome!
Somewhere in Canada...
Suddenly I feel so cold...

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-05
According to this receipt I just found, on March 3, 2003 I bought a 7-inch adjustable blow.
I said, "7-inch adjustable blow."
Yeah, you're on your own with that one.

 

"God answers knee mail."
Nothing I say can make it any worse.
by ivytheplant, 11-12-05

 

by ivytheplant
11-13-05
Well kittens, what do you think of the new place?
You're kidding, right?
I'm stuck.
I'm going to express my feelings on the indignities I have suffered by peeing on the bed.
They'll be fine!

 

by ivytheplant
11-17-05
Laramie residents were shocked earlier this month when the number of minorities doubled overnight.
It appears a sudden influx of coloreds have discovered Laramie to be a "cool little town."
News 4 managed to catch up with the perpetrators for an exclusive interview.
Reporting live from the scene is Hung Loosely.
I'm black.

 

by ivytheplant
11-21-05
You know, I really like those Martha Stewart dishes we got.
I'm going to go do something manly with power tools now.
I'm going to go make an unrelated comic.

 

by ivytheplant
11-21-05
7:45 AM - Today
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!*
I'm coming! Keep your pants on!
Have you heard any yelling or screaming?
Does "oh baby, fuck me harder" count?

 

by ivytheplant
11-29-05
At the dentist yesterday...
So until you heal, I recommend staying away from spicy foods or sharp foods like chips.
Right.
And no blowing anything hard, or sucking anything hard for at least a couple days.
Uh, right...
I have some bad news...

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
October
You have 30 days to get out of the building.
Okaaaaay...
November
I need more time. Can we prorate the rent for December until I'm out?
Sure! No problem!
Dec 4
I'm evicting you. You have three days to get out.
*boggle*

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
I'm sick of the guy downstairs complaining about all the noise you make. You have 30 days to get out.
But all but one of those complaints occurred while I was in another state or at work. And one was during the day and below noise ordinance.
I'm just sick of dealing with you two. He gets to stay because he's old and poor and if it wasn't for me, he'd be out on the street.
But he can find another apartment. I have three cats. No place in town will take them under $800.
I can't have his homelessness on my conscious.
I thought you were a cat lover.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Week 1 & 2
I love canoeing. But I feel guilty about not moving my stuff.
Don't worry. We have plenty of time!
Week 3
Too...much...turkey!
Org...
Week 4
I never want to see another dentist again as long as I live...

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Week 2
Moving is taking longer than expected with etc etc. Can I have two weeks of December with prorated rent?
Sure, we'll just calculate the total when you've finished moving.
Week 3
I need to send people in to paint and clean your apartment.
But...I haven't even finished moving yet. Isn't that a bit premature? Besides, that's my job so I get my deposit back.
Week 4
I'm sending in people at 9:30am tomorrow to clean, paint and repair all the things that were preexisting but I'm blaming you for anyway. They'll shove your stuff wherever. This is your 24 hour notice.
It's 11:30pm.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
So what's the deal here? I thought I had two more weeks to pack.
I want the apartment in showable condition.
I'm moving. My place is covered in boxes and crap from moving and won't be clean til I'm gone.
I don't intend to lose any money on this deal.
That explains why you're trying to save the carpet that's older than I am.
By the way, I hope you have nothing breakable because the cleaners will just throw your stuff around to get at where they need.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 2, 12:30am
We need to get the bathroom cleaned out ASAP because someone's coming this morning to replace the 50 year old tile in here.
Right.
Dec 2, 2:00am
Can I spray fake blood all over the bathroom now?
No.
You suck.
That would be childish and silly. We never do things like that.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 2, later that afternoon
The repair guy didn't put the door back on. The sink is covered in glue and the hallway littered with shattered pieces of tile.
I am so not vacuuming now.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 2, afternoon
Christ, what is that smell? It smells like...
Gah! Cigarette smoke!
Need...ventilation! Allergy...raping... lungs!

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 2, evening
Look, I told you and Mr. Christy before that I'm allergic to smoke and don't allow it in my apartment, but he still smoked.
I'm going to pretend I didn't know that, despite discussions we've had before with the upstairs neighbors smoking outside your window.
Look, it reeks in there. I can't even go in to move things til it airs out. And he even closed the window I had open for ventilation.
I'm still going to pretend I didn't know and say I'm also allergic even though I was there when he was smoking.
All my clean laundry smells like smoke.
La la la I'm a stupid bitch who can't keep her story straight la la la.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 2, evening
Cindy will be over tomorrow to paint the bedroom.
Even though I've pointed out how dumb that is, and probably illegal, I have no energy left to stop you.
Dec 2, late night
Don't forget, Cindy will be over tomorrow to repair the kitchen ceiling.
I thought she was repainting the bedroom.
Right. The kitchen.
I give up.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 3, afternoon
Hey, I was up all night moving stuff and I really need some help. Could you guys help me? I can't finish this by myself. (/plea to friends)
Sure! No problem!
I gotta warn you, it might be even more a mess now because the cleaning lady came to paint this morning and she probably tossed stuff everywhere.
No problem, we'll do what we can to sort it out.
She...never came.
Sadder words have never been spoken.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 3, Ungodly hour of night
We can fit another load in!
Right!
Dec 3, Ungodly hour of night
I found more boxes!
Yay!
Dec 4, Ungodly hour of morning
Too...tired..for...sex!
Damn.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 4, morning
You haven't paid the rent. I'm evicting you. You have three days to get out.
But, we had an agreement about how payment would be made.
La la la I can't keep promises because I'm a sociopath la la la.
Doesn't the lease state that I have until day 5 to pay rent and then I'm charged a late fee rather than eviction?
La la la I can't hear you la la la.
That reminds me, I never got a copy of the new lease. I also don't think I even signed one.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 4, morning
I'm also citing you for lease violations. Your place is messy.
How is a mess due to moving a lease violation?
You broke windows.
Those were broken when I moved in. I have photographic evidence.
You painted the walls and removed the carpet.
With your blessing.

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 4, morning
Even though the crazy guy downstairs is in violation of his lease and city and state safety and health ordinances, I'd rather evict you.
*pink!*
Dec 4, afternoon
And that's when I had the epiphany that I lost all the guilt I had over the whole moving thing.
I am proud of you, grasshopper.
In fact, I plan on leaving the place trashed. Screw the deposit. She never planned to give it back anyway.
Let's not get carried away...

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
Dec 4, 6:45pm
Here's your eviction notice.
According to this I either have three days from now (as stated in the lease), until midnight Dec 7, or until the morning of Dec 8 to vacate the premises.
Right.
So which is it? The legal 6:45pm on Wednesday, the one where you seize my belongings, or the one I can use against you in small claims court.
The most illegal one there.
*gets photographic evidence and witnesses for the time the notice was delivered*

 

by ivytheplant
12-04-05
So, according to this, I violated three sections of the lease.
Yes.
One is that I've left my place a mess after I left the premises. I haven't left the premises.
Yes.
I'm also a public nuisance and I denied you access to the premises?
You never did that, of course, but I'm crazy, remember?

 

by ivytheplant
12-05-05
*vibrate*
I wonder what would happen if I switched boorite's coffee to decaf?
2 hours later...
Ack! Kryptonite! Kryptonite!
Uhoh.

 

by ivytheplant
12-06-05
Mmhmm.
What?
Didn't you just ask me if steel pennies were in production in 1943?
Um...no.
I must have been dreaming.
Only in dreams, in beautiful dreams.

Showing page 24.

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