All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
10-09-03
Ever wonder what would happen if God was one of us?
An American?
Yeah.
Uh...
JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
Law of Physics #143: Cats abhor a vacuum.
Suuuuuuck!
What up?
Takin' up space.

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
Law of Physics # 291: A cat's interest in you is proportional to the closeness of a deadline.
Purrrrrrrrr
Mommy's busy.
I love you.
Aw crap...

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
Yes, they ARE trying to take over your mind!

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
What the hell do you want, kid?
I can see your winky.

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
...but by then her spleen was too far gone.
In other news, a local man claimed he was touched by God. We go live to action reporter Hung Loosely.
Sir, you said that God touched you. In what way?
Well, first it felt kinda funny, like I sat on a gourd. Then there was a pleasant tingling and I had a whole mess o' sinful thoughts. He touched me five times 'fore the sun was up.
Um...
Praise the Lord!

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
"There is but one happy birthday. So is the will of Darkseid. May your birthday not find reason to contradict my awesome word"
Darkseid schmarkseid...
!
WHO DARES DEFY DARKSEID!!??!!
Wuss.

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
Ever wish you had followed your lifelong dream of becoming a pastry chef instead of a pirate?
Not really. Pastry chefs don't get the chicks.
Riiiiight.
Who would YOU rather date? Pansy in a stupid hat or guy with a really long sword?
Point taken.
Thought so.

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
My downstairs neighbor just told me to turn down "that new age hippie crap."
What were you listening to?
Tchaikovsky.
Who the hell is he? Lestat?

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
My child, have you thought about the damage you are doing to your eternal soul by embracing the wickedness of witchcraft?
I'm the maid.
Wanna go neck on the altar?
Don't make me use my powers for evil.

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
Hey, witch. You're gonna burn in hell ya know.
At least I can move around freely.
Bitch.
Wrong consonant, cupcake.

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-03
Okay guys, you got me! Very funny. Joke's over, you can get me down now!
Guys?
Aw crap...

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-03
If cleanliness is next to godliness does that mean I'm omnipotent now?
I dunno. Maybe you should try and see.
Sha-ZAM!
Very funny.

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-03
If cleanliness is next to godliness, does that mean I'm omnipotent now?
I dunno. Feel different from normal?
As a matter of fact, I have a strange craving for bloodshed.
So where do you want your temple, Oh Mighty One?

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-03
Cool costume, dude. What are ya? A zombie?
No, I'm a product of the poor economy under the Bush administration.
Gonna finish that rotting flesh?
Help yourself.

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-03
This is the planet Earth.
This is the planet Earth under the Bush Administration.
Any questions?

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-03
What the hell is taking so long? I thought you were just going to check email?
I was! But I spent all my time trying to get rid of these porn popups!
You clicked on the penis enlargement ad, didn't you?
This one seemed promising.

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-03
Bast, you be careful outside. There's a lot of crazies out there who might try and hurt you, especially around Halloween.
Don't worry about me. I can spot the bad guys.
Hello little black kitty. Want a treat?
I think I'll stay inside the rest of the month.

 

by ivytheplant
10-12-03
...so that's when he told me that my kitchen tile was laid in the 1920's.
Wow. So is it going to be replaced?
Yeah, but now I'm more worried about the kitchen ceiling collapsing. Apparently the bathroom ceiling collapsed once before.
Have you ever thought of moving to a safer apartment?
What? And give up my huge kitchen and cheap rent?
I see we have our priorites.

 

by ivytheplant
10-12-03
Hubba hubba...
"Tonight on CSI! Grissom and Warrick go undercover in an illegal nude wrestling ring to locate a murder suspect who fled bail!..."..."
"But just as they close in on the perp, their cover is blown and they must wrestle each other--covered in baby oil--in the ring!..."
Damn...they know just what a girl wants...
"Will they get out and make it to Brass in time to nab the perp and help bring him to justice? Stay tuned..."

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-03
Our product is so amazingly wonderful! Not only is it a dessert topping AND a floorwax, it's also a colon cleanser! And it works 50% better than the leading brand!
So why isn't yours the leading brand?
How much will it take to shut you up?
Sixty kilos.

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-03
"Tonight on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation..."
"Damnit, Grissom! Looking for evidence in this mud pit is pissing me off! My clothes are bogging me down!"
"Well, Warrick, we'll just have to take our clothes off so we can move freely through this mucky, yet sensual mud."
Dear Lord, thank you for this bounty I am about to receive. Amen!
"Oh no Gris! I dropped my swabs!" "Here. Warrick. You can use mine..."

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-03
Why does everyone think we sacrifice babies?
Beats me.
You're all going to go to hell if you don't accept the Lord Jesus Christ.
I promise we aren't Satan-worshipping demon-conjurers.
Speak for yourself, sweetie.

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-03
Ooooh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Harder! Harder! That's it! AH! AH! AH!
AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
I see there's a new Herbal Essences product out.

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-03
My child, have you considered donating to the orphanage? Those poor, sweet...tight little boys--
Sha-ZAM!
AIEEEEEEE!
Eeeexcellent.
Ah still gots it!

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-03
"Tonight on MacGyver..."
"Okay, so we have some kite string and chewing gum..."
"...Then take a length of rubber hose and ping-pong ball and voila!..."
This is so much better than the homemade grenade launcher.
"Now you can tie me securely to the bed!"

 

by ivytheplant
10-14-03
My crazy downstairs neighbor is wandering around in his underwear again.
Why are all the neighbors crazy?
Probably has something to do with the lead paint slathered all over the building.
.....
Our bathroom doubles as a fallout shelter.
Maybe this explains your strange obsession with alphabetizing shampoo.

 

by ivytheplant
10-14-03
What'cha doin?
Making a comic strip about your crazy ex-neighbor.
Why does she look like Picasso on steroids?
I'm bringing out her inner psychopath.
Still upset she tried to make out with you while she was piss drunk and slicing herself open with a razor blade, eh?
Some things require more than therapy and medication.

 

by ivytheplant
10-14-03
So how was your day?
Not bad. Few Parliment meetings, negotiations with foreign powers were opened. The usual.
Model UN?
Ivytopia. I seceded from the United States years ago.
Is this something I should worry about?
You're on foreign soil now, geekboy. Better have your passport ready.

 

by ivytheplant
10-14-03
Have you ever thought about the damage to yourself and others you might be causing by having all that uranium around?
Not really, why?
Eventually the amount of radiation could prove dangerous.
Nah. It's stored in a lead vault in the basement.
You're stockpiling it aren't you?
It's always us quiet countries that are the most dangerous.

 

by ivytheplant
10-16-03
My spidey sense tells me trouble has arrived.
My Second Minister of Water Quality died. I suspect assassaination.
You have a Minister of Water Quality?
Two, actually. Poor Mini B was found dead by his favorite rock.
Isn't that your fish?
Don't be speciesist.

 

by ivytheplant
10-16-03
So yesterday was Ivytopia's Third Independence Celebration. I can't believe my little nation is three years old already. She's growing up so fast!
So what did you do for your Independence Celebration?
Declared war on the United States.
So that's why your world map was turned into a giant Risk board.
Pledge your allegiance, punk.
That's it. I'm moving to Canada.

 

by ivytheplant
10-16-03
Have you seen my golf club?
Under the bed...waitaminute...what are you planning?
It's late, I'm tired, and all I can hear is the upstairs neighbors yelling obscenities and something about life is unfair because something they want to do is breaking the law.
You probably should wear gloves to keep your prints off the murder weapon.
I have diplomatic immunity.
"Move out of the dorms," my parents said. "It's safer," they said...

 

by ivytheplant
10-16-03
Um...Ivy...
You rang, oh insignificant peon?
Some atheist weirdo just informed me that he's going to eat me..
Why are you logged into my account?
To find out all your deep dark secrets.
Bet now you wish you hadn't. Pleasant dreams.

 

by ivytheplant
10-16-03
I don't think I've ever been more disturbed.
I'm gonna call mom.
Why?
I think she'd love hearing how her baby boy lost his innocence.
I'm going to kill her in her sleep...
Hey mom, guess what? Your little boy just learned about the birds and the bees ....through an online proposition.... I think you two need to have the sex talk RIGHT NOW!

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-03
Well, the war is over. I'm going to surrender to the United States.
And then what?
Demand $1 billion in relief to rebuild our shattered nation after the long seige.
Haven't I heard this somewhere before?
The Conch Republic is my role model.
I wonder if it's too late to move back in with my parents...

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-03
A Frederick's of Hollywood add just popped up with a "special offer."
Buy one get one free?
Free shipping on orders over $75.
From what I know of Frederick's, there isn't enough material in their clothing to warrant shipping charges in the first place.
Still mad you couldn't fit into their dominatrix gear, eh?
I find it highly unlikely that B cups have the endurance that kind of attire requires.

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-03
What the--? JESUS! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!
You rang, pop?
The earth is in chaos! Wars! Famine! Plague! Affleck! I thought you were supposed to keep an eye out for trouble while I was on vacation!
Yeah...about that... I think I'm gonna turn in my resignation.
You can't resign! You're the Son of God!
Hey! I didn't ASK to be born!

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-03
Tonight on MacGyver...
(censored censored censored). (censored). (censored censored censored censored). (censored).
...homina...
(censored censored censored). (censored). (censored censored).
*mooooaaaaan*
(CENSORED!!)

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-03
Any messages for the Ivytopian government?
A couple...first, an invitation to join the League of Seccessionist States.
Accept it. What was the second?
Well...it was kinda odd...
Some guy called "hot4urass" requested a government appointment. He insisted the position be directly under you.
Ah-ha...I see Atheist is up to his old tricks again.

 

by ivytheplant
10-19-03
I was going to do a comic about my mother...
...But then I realized she might wander over to Strip Creator...
...And she'd kill me if she saw a comic about her.
Though it pains me greatly, I will not do a strip about mom's plastic clogs.
It's all about survival....
...And staying off the naughty list for Christmas.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-03
What was all that racket last night?
Drunken fratboys drove up and down the street screaming "woo."
It sounded more like drunken fratboys begging for mercy.
The golf club was within reach. I couldn't help it.
This explains why you were in the crawlspace earlier.
If authority comes to the door, you've never heard of me or golf.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-03
Ivy comes back from her day in court...
Heh...so how was the big house?
Very funny. I never even saw the jail.
So what happened?
Well, first I ended up in a security maze at the federal court before I found out I was in the wrong building...
They "wanded" you, eh?
Don't be silly, they were too distracted by the uranium I was carrying.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-03
Ivy describes the real government...
...So after i figured out I was in the wrong building, a nice federal security man gave me directions to the state building.
Ooo! More fun with magnetic wands!
Actually he gave me the wrong directions. I ended up at the Criminal Investigation building.
Where I'm sure you were immediately taken into custody.
No, I was just given completely different directions by a mysterious shadowy figure who talked only through a speakerphone.
I didn't know you were one of Charlie's Angels.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-03
Ivy laments her choice in footwear...
...So I finally find the damn building and go through another security maze--don't say it!
Wasn't gonna!
End up in the clerk's office, arguing with a bitter old lady who couldn't tell I was confused about everything and actually needed help.
Did you stomp all over the punk-ass bitch?
No, I wore a bad choice in footwear and after all that walking I couldn't wait to sit.
I told you the dominatrix gear wasn't appropriate courtroom attire.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-03
Ivy comes to a hard decision...
...So finally I make my way to the courtroom. It's filled with all sorts of creepy people--none as creepy as you though...
Thanks.
I waited for a while, then the judge said those of us contesting our tickets could either plead guilty for the fine to be cut in half, or wait several hours for our turn.
What? No option for sleeping with the judge?
*sigh* No. Frankly I was a little annoyed about having to wait so long. Especially since I was in a two hour space and didn't want to get another ticket for dealing with a ticket.
Then you gonna go to the slammer!

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-03
Ivy wins the day...
So? What did you do?
I used my Jedi Mind Powers on the judge. Not only am I now immune to all future speeding tickets, they have to pay me their traffic citation proceeds.
Umm...
You are my slave. You will do everything I say.
I am your slave. I will do everything you say.
Eeeexcellent. Now be a dear and walk over to that truck stop shower and drop soap. Bwah ha ha ha ha haaaa!

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-03
*sniff!*
"Seeeeventh Heaven!..."
What are you watching?
Eep! *click* Nothing...nothing at all...
A HA! I knew it!
You tell a single soul and I will kill you, slowly and painfully!

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-03
"daringly original"..............."sexy!"
It's been done. Over and over and over and over and over. They just added an exotic location to make it seem new.
Angsty snobs who complain they haven't found the right mate, but instead of doing something about it they whine until their friends find them a perfect mate just to shut them up.
"groundbreaking"............"a comic delight"
Due to lack of interest, this particular plotline hasn't been used in the past twenty years.
Kids will laugh, but not understand it, teens will giggle at the sex jokes, and with the exception of Californians, adults will avoid it.
"feel good"....................."best movie of the ..................................................year"
You wonder why you spent $6 on a crappy remake of every other movie to be labelled "feel good."
IT'S JANUARY YOU IDIOTS!!!

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-03
Ivy bought a Toyota Corolla and spent $9000 more than Jill, who bought a Kia Sephia. Jill's Kia comes with a 900,000 mile warranty and standard racing stripes...
...Ivy's Corolla has only a 10,000 mile warranty and no racing stripes. Poor Ivy, if only she knew about the Kia before she spent allll that money on a Toyota that has no features!
Fuck you, Jill. Unlike your piece of shit Sephia, my Corolla will last at least 20 years with with only routine maintenence. Don't come whining to me when your Sephia falls apart next year.

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