All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
10-28-05
My beer fought Communism!
My beer saved Baby Jessica!
C'mon man, that's bullshit.
It is not!
Dude, everyone knows Lassie and Superman pulled Baby Jessica out of that well.
Oh. Sorry, I'm a little drunk.

 

by niteowl
10-28-05
My beer cured cancer!
My beer is a moral beer. It teaches family values, and encourages raising your children the right way.
It supports prayer in school and the troops. It doesn't believe in evolution, and it goes to church every Sunday.
What?

 

by niteowl
10-28-05
My beer listens to Nickelback.
My beer listens to Coldplay, because it's oh so cold.
My beer also listens to alternative pop country music.
MY beer listens to psychobilly heavy metal jazz fusion.
My beer can scratch like a mofo.
Word to yo mutha.

 

by niteowl
10-28-05
My one single beer can pick up a hot nurse.
Yeah right.
Nice beer. Wanna fuck?
See?
Barkeep, a six pack of Coors Light to go please. Daddy needs a harem.

 

Scooter Libby was indicted today. GW said, "In our system, each individual is presumed innocent and entitled to due process and a fair trial." Excluding Gitmo prisoners, of course.
by niteowl, 10-28-05

 

The remains of a 9/11 victim were found on the rooftop of a building near the WTC site. Bush pissed himself in glee because he knows that his approval rating will go up one percent because of it.
by niteowl, 10-28-05

 

by niteowl
10-29-05
My beer practices safe sex!
So in other words, your beer is sexually promiscuous. Your beer is a slut!
My beer is NOT a slut. Sluts give it away for free. My beer believes in monogamy and stable, loving realtionships.
Beer apologist.
Fuck you. Whose beer has been seen being inserted into a woman's vagina in a zillion pics on the internet?
Hey, I never said my beer wasn't a slut.

 

by niteowl
10-30-05
My beer is able to ward off evil spirits!
My beer can raise the dead! Look behind me, it's Abe Vigoda!
Say hi Abe, just to prove to this punk that you're actually alive.
Hi.
Um, Abe Vigoda wasn't dead in the first place.
Wait, did I say Abe Vigoda? I meant Alan Alda. Yes, that's Alan Alda behind me. He's alive!

 

by niteowl
11-03-05
I read an article that said ExxonMobil posted a profit of almost 10 billion dollars last quarter.
Oh.
That's all you have to say, just "Oh"?
I have other things on my mind.
Don't you care that while we're paying 3 bucks a gallon for gas, oil companies are racking up profits so massive that they could buy a third world country all by themselves?
Look honey, Gap closes in an hour and I need a new babydoll tee. You need to stop flapping your gums about stupid shit and start walking.

 

by niteowl
11-05-05
Support the war! Support our troops! They are fighting for our freedom!
If you've got such a hardon for the war, why don't you go sign up to be sent over there?
I can't. You see, I'm in college.
...And?
I have frat parties to attend.

 

I just visited gwrepublicans.org, and there's a big PHP error on the page. Don't fret, oh Defenders of the Faith, they're blaming it on Clinton.
by niteowl, 11-05-05

 

I just read Coulter's latest Op/Ed piece, and she didn't mention abortion once. Congrats Ann! You may actually be on your way to becoming a writer!
by niteowl, 11-11-05

 

by niteowl
11-11-05
We meet again, baconman.
I SHALL DEFEAT YOU, EVIL COOK! YOU HAVE FRIED MANY OF MY BACON BRETHREN TO A CRISP AND I WILL AVENGE THEIR DEATHS!
You know, maybe I shouldn't cook bacon anymore.
YOU--what?
I just won't buy it ever again, leaving a extra package on the shelf at the store every week to go bad and be thrown out, where it spends its last days rotting away in a trashcan.
CURSES! YOU ARE MORE EVIL THAN I COULD'VE EVER IMAGINED!

 

by niteowl
11-12-05
Your mom said you've been up here playing your game all weekend. The game must be pretty good, eh?
Yeah, the graphics are good, gameplay is awesome, it's just a really fun game.
So what's your record?
1 and 0.
You've only played one game? What the hell have you been doing for the last 3 days?
Adjusting the rosters. The '75 Capitals are gonna kick some ass now!

 

by niteowl
11-12-05
Did you catch the last episode of Trading Spouses on Fox on Wednesday?
Hell yes! That was great!
You know, I can't stand reality TV for the most part, but that was pretty damn good.
It's great seeing a Bible banger snap in front of the camera.
Ahh yes, America. The only place where you can act like a complete psycho on TV and get away with it. A star is born!
I wonder if she realizes that she's set Christianity back by about a thousand years.

 

"Walmart isn't the only saving place."
Funny sign out there. Walmart employees get fucked, just like your altarboys.
by niteowl, 11-12-05

 

by niteowl
11-14-05
So I says, "If the arm is coming forward and the ball comes out, it is an incomplete pass."
Ha, Ha!
What the tuck are you talking about?

 

by niteowl
11-18-05
Welcome gang. I've lost the funny again, so this time around, I'm going to interview you separately so you can give me your comic ideas in private.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Just don't try to rape me this time. Homey Da Clown dun play dat.

 

by niteowl
11-18-05
Sooo...whatcha got for me?
You should stop with the strips about religion and politics. No one really cares about that crap.
People want to laugh and be entertained, not get an opinion on how fucked up you think the world is. More humor, less thinking!
Ok. So any ideas?
More cornhole.

 

by niteowl
11-18-05
Any comic ideas, Abe?
Hell no. I'm an actor. I get paid to do what others tell me to do.
Maybe I should have you write the comics then.
I don't think that's such a great idea.
Why?
Do you really want 435 comics about my Oscar-worthy performance in Joe Versus The Volcano?

 

by niteowl
11-18-05
Gene, you're a man of the world...surely you have some decent ideas for me.
No. Now bugger off, ya twit!
I hate you, Gene.
The feeling is mutual, you cockknocker.

 

by niteowl
11-18-05
Mr. Clown, you're my last hope. Those other fools didn't help, so it's up to you. I have confidence in you though. You've always been the voice of reason.
Alright, you need to get your finger on the pulses of your fellow strippers. Write what they would like to see.
Take Family Guy, for instance. EVERYONE loves Family Guy. Make a couple homages to that show, and everyone will love you for it.
I've never watched Family Guy.
Holy fuck, you're doomed.

 

by niteowl
11-19-05
The world has gone straight to hell. You've got all these gang bangers walkin' 'round with 9 millimeters in their pocket, ready to shoot any decent citizen.
I know. It's sickening.
...and even though I love ol' GW with all my heart, he really didn't do us good christians any favors by letting that ban on assault rifles expire.
No shit. We should all be in fear for our lives.
What a sad, sad world. Anyways, I'm off to go kill Bambi. Later.
Ahh yes. Hunting. A REAL sport.

 

by niteowl
11-25-05
So I heard you've been hitting on the guy I like.
Lies.
Yeah, whatever. I know how much of a whore you are.
I never hit on him. I just took him to my secret hideout and sucked him off.
That's it. I'm firebombing that treehouse of yours. It's crawling with sin and needs to be eradicated.
The treehouse isn't my secret hideout, your bedroom closet is.

 

by niteowl
11-25-05
You know, this isn't the first time you've stolen a guy away from me.
Who else have I supposedly stolen from you?
Remember Tommy?
Yeah, what about him?
Alicia said that you had sex with him in the janitor's closet at school.
Hey, he bet me fifty bucks that I couldn't get him off, and I had to defend my reputation and honor. You would've did the same thing if you weren't such a prude.

 

by niteowl
11-25-05
So how was your Thanksgiving, wench? I bet you got lots of stuffing.
Oh, har har. Sexual innuendo cleverly disguised as holiday humor. So what's next, you gonna tell me that Santa will be filling my stocking soon?
Oh wait, I forgot. It was your stocking that got stuffed last Christmas.
I'm Jewish.
Hanukkah candle, Santa's dick...same diff.

 

by niteowl
11-28-05
OOH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT! A FOREARM SMASH RIGHT TO THE FACE! OH NO, HERE COMES THE PILEDRIVER! EWW! HE'S BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE AND SCREAMING IN AGONY AND...
What the hell is this you're watching?
Bootlegged surveillance footage of Best Buy the day after Thanksgiving, complete with color commentary by the security staff.
...AND WHAT'S THIS? NOW SOMEONE HAS GRABBED A LEATHER COMPUTER CHAIR AND LAUNCHED IT INTO THE CROWD! KICK ASS!

 

Rep. Duke Cunningham, in a tearful confession, admitted taking bribes from defense contractors today. DAMN YOU, LIBERAL MEDIA, DAMN YOU TO HELL!
by niteowl, 11-28-05

 

Another day, another scandal involving dirty money and a Republican. Sigh. I miss the good ol' days when politicians only got in trouble for getting a hummer.
by niteowl, 11-28-05

 

by niteowl
11-29-05
Have you ever read the bible?
Nope.
I read it last week. It was totally boring, but the ending kicked ass.
I got a huge boner while reading Armageddon.
Cock rock.

 

by niteowl
11-29-05
Check this out. My wife took a hammer and threw it through the TV last night. Exploded and everything. It was fucking awesome.
Why did she do that?
That really annoying Nokia commercial where the guy sings the Dukes of Hazzard theme song came on and she lost it.
Man, I'd be so pissed if my old lady did that.
Nah, it's cool. I've wanted to get a nice flat screen for a while now.
Violence is always the answer if it means getting an upgrade.

 

by niteowl
11-29-05
Check it out. My character is making a post on the forums.
My character is flaming you in response. Man, I love 2 player co-op split screen mode!
My character just made a smarmy and tactless post about the character of your character.
My character just posted nudes of your mom.
Fuck, you got me.
I told you I rule at this game!

 

by niteowl
11-29-05
Oh my God.
OH MY GOD!
What are you "Oh my God"ing about in here?
Geek things that you wouldn't understand, honey.

 

by niteowl
11-30-05
And that's why I can't continue with this relationship.
Fine.
I want my Barry Manilow albums and the K-Y back though.

 

by niteowl
12-02-05
Well, Captain Stubing is toast. Who's next on the death list?
The blonde.
Aww shit, I don't want to kill her. She's kinda cute.
Ok, how about the bartender?
No way. The drinks he served us fueled and will continue to fuel our murderous rampage. You are having fun, aren't you?
Yeah, I guess. Sure could go for some pretzels though.

 

by niteowl
12-02-05
Excuse me, miss? Excuse me?
Jesus Christ, these saleswomen aren't very helpful. Hello? Can someone help me over here?
Bitches.

 

by niteowl
12-02-05
Hello, Tobor here. I'm here to talk to you today about a very important issue. Oil. Oil is a hot topic, what with all the wars started over it, and its high price.
Experts the world over have been saying that at some point the oil will run out...what then? We must work together to make sure this doesn't happen.
So please, save a poor robot from rusting out and becoming a dilapidated hunk of scrap metal by cutting back on your oil usage. Thank you.

 

by niteowl
12-02-05
Hi there, neighbor! I heard you're a mass murderer!
Whatever gave you that impression?
Oh, you silly man! Say, I wanna be famous so would you mind killing me and chopping my body into a million indistinguishable little pieces?
Sure. Come on inside.
Awesome! Oh by the way, do you have one of those guillotine thingies? Those are like, so totally cool.
Of course I got one. What kind of a serial killer do you think I am?

 

by niteowl
12-07-05
Hey man, glad you could come over. I want to discuss the Christmas present you gave me.
Aw shucks, you don't have to thank me.
Dude, you gave me a picture of my ex...
...blowing a goat.
I told you she was a slut. Now do you believe it?

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
The FDA is coming in next week to audit us. With all the new pharmacutical accounts that are coming our way, it is important that we do well.
Make sure you have the Quality Policy memorized, and that you give short, to-the-point answers when they talk to you. Anyone have any questions?
Yeah, I got a question. What's the point in all this? It seems like a big waste of time.
You don't seem to understand, peon...if we don't get approved by the FDA, we cannot make pharma-
You're not listening, as usual. Why have an audit when you could just pay those bastards under the table, like any NORMAL company would do?

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
I met the most wonderful man over the weekend!
Really? Where at?
On a Christian singles website. Wanna hear the best part? He lives here in town too!
That's great! So tell me about him!
He's white and he reads the Bible a lot!
He sounds perfect!

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
Oh Praise Jesus, I've got great news!
What?
I'm meeting Dale from the Christian singles site this weekend!
That's awesome, Liz! So where are you two going on your date?
The monster truck rally!
Oh Lord, it's like a dream come true!

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
Hey man, I got a date for Saturday night.
Yeah right. You? On a date? Don't make me laugh.
I'm serious. I met her on some Christian website and she lives here in town.
Religious, huh?
Good luck on getting your dick sucked.

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
Hi Dale! It's so nice to meet you! I'm Liz, but you already know my name. HAHAHAHAHA!
Uh yeah, hi. Holy shit, you have nice tits.
Uh, thanks. So, should we go in? The rally's about to start.
Ok, but I gotta puke first.
Hmm. He's a drunk, he swears, and he's a pervert. But he DOES read the Bible. Not bad.
BLECH!

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
Well, the monster truck rally was fun. So what do you wanna do now?
Lets go back to your place and fuck.
WHAT?
I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, lets go back to your place and read some Bible passages.
That's better.
But we are still gonna fuck after that whole "Bible" thing, right?

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
Quite a nice place you have here.
Thanks.
I don't think I've ever seen so many crucifixes on one wall before.
Religion is my life.
So...have you ever rammed one of those up your ass?
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
I think we should just skip the Bible stuff and get down to the fucking. The Bible is boring.
Ok, I've had it. You've not been a gentleman at all tonight. What gives? Where is that sweet Christian guy that I chatted with at the dating site?
Ok, I admit it, I'm not a religious person. I went to that site because all guys know that religious chicks don't get it much, so they'd be easier to sway into bed.
That is disgusting. You are a sad excuse for a human being.
Plus, their pussies are tighter cause they never get any action.
Well, that is true.

 

by niteowl
12-09-05
I suppose I should go. It was obviously a mistake doing this, and I'm sorry.
No wait, you don't have to go. Maybe we can talk about-
He that hath understanding, let him count the number of the beast...
Oh My! Take me now, you religious brute!
Excellent. Head to the bedroom and get naked. I'll grab a crucifix off the wall.
Grab two, stud.

 

by niteowl
12-12-05
I put in my two week notice today.
Really?
Yep.
Ok, I know you haven't been doing very good in the football pool lately, but isn't this a little drastic?

 

I predict sweeping victories for Democrats in the 2006 midterm elections. Why? Because all the Republican candidates will probably be in jail by then.
by niteowl, 12-16-05

Showing page 27.

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