All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-08
You really used your Mother's douchebag as a sprinkly bath-toy?
Yes... and...
one time...
I even drank out of it.

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-08
"Attention Shoppers: The store will close in five minutes."
Ready to check out?
Yes, thank you.
Good thing. After we close, any leftover shoppers are taken back to the stockroom for "group inventory."
:O
Ain't my fault bitch can't take a joke!

 

by umfumdisi
10-21-08
Oh, Dolemite, what will I ever do without you?
Same thang y'always done, bitch -- get yo' funky ass on the street, beat concrete, and make a pimp some green!
Uh, okay.
They just keep pimpin'.

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
"I still have Herpes, so I take Herp-X."
"My wife still doesn't have Herpes. Thanks, Herp-X!"
"Of course, we don't really have sex anymore. Thanks, Herpes."

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
What would you say are your most important leadership qualities?
A steady hand, a quick fist, and a lash o' the whip.
Hmmm. And what are the four cornerstones of a strong business?
Rape. Rhyme. Rob. Pillage.
Three out of four -- not bad...

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
Shit, I spilled my Coke!
Just get some napkins out of my glove compartment.
I don't see any napkins!
Right there -- the feminine napkins.
I don't mind a little Coke in my lap.

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
What is the password?
Fuck you, Arthur, I need to use the copier!
That is not correct.
Toner?
That is not correct.
Balls!

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
That is not correct.
No, I meant "Balls!" as an expression of disgust.
That is not correct.
Asshole.
That is not correct.
I have an axe in my cubicle, you know.

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
That is not correct.
Uh...let's see... Swordfish?
That is not correct.
C'mon, the password is always Swordfish.
That is not correct.
Herpes?

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
That is not correct.
Arthur, I have a presentation to give in 20 fucking minutes.
That is not correct.
It is fucking correct! And it will take me 10 fucking minutes to print my fucking handouts!
That is not correct.
BASTARD!

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
That is not correct.
Okay, okay, what does Arthur like? Penis!
That is not correct.
Vagina?
That is not correct.
Asshole.

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
You already said "Asshole."
Oh, gee, I hope I don't use up all my guesses.
That is not correct
Please, Arthur, just turn your head and pretend to take a piss in your little fort or something. Here's 20 bucks.
That is not correct
50?

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
That is not correct.
You won't listen to reason. You won't accept a bribe. What the hell do I have to do?
What is the password?
Please?
That is not correct.
Shitboxes!

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
Almost.
Shitboxes = Almost!?!
Almost.
Turdbags?
That is not correct.
*Sigh* Stay put, Arthur, I'll be right back.

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
Fred, your retarded twin brother won't let me use the copier.
That is correct. You must give the proper password.
What is the fucking password?
Swordfish.
I said "Swordfish."
Uh-oh.

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-08
Hey, Fred.
Hi, Arthur. Did you change the password?
That is correct.
Do me a favor, okay. Go guard the coffee machine.
What about the copier?
I'll guard the copier.

 

by umfumdisi
10-23-08
Don't worry, Ted. It's me, Fred.
Thank God! Can I use the copier now?
What's the password?
SWORDFISH!
Sorry, that's Arthur's password.
AAAAAAAAAAAAA UUUUUUUUUUUUU GGGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

by umfumdisi
10-23-08
AAAAAAAAUUUUUU
GGGGGGHHHHH
HHHHH --

 

by umfumdisi
10-23-08
Ted? I was just kidding, Ted.
I can't believe Ted killed himself.
No loss. I mean, who uses handouts for presentations anymore?
Yeah, really!
Learn some Powerpoint, loser!

 

by umfumdisi
10-23-08
Welcome to Heaven!
Heaven? This looks like a waiting room.
It is. You don't just walk into Heaven.
Oh, yeah, I have to face judgment and all that.
Actually, I just need to know one thing... What is the pass --

 
by umfumdisi, 10-23-08

 

by umfumdisi
10-23-08

 

by umfumdisi
10-23-08

 

by umfumdisi
10-23-08
Sorry, I'll stop now.

 

by umfumdisi
8-03-09
Can I take your order?
I'd like a large Italian on white.

 

by umfumdisi
8-03-09
Check out my "whimsical baseball card" collection. Here's Mickey Hatcher with his giant catcher's mitt...
That's thing's huge, man.
And here's my Billy Ripken "fuck face" card...
n00b.
And here's one of Babe Ruth lynching a nigger...
Wow, he lead the league that season.

 

by umfumdisi
8-03-09
Excuse me, does this shirt feature a picture of a moose or an elk?
I believe it's a deer, ma'am.
Oh, thank you. And does this one show a football or soccer ball?
It's a basketball.
Oh, thanks again.
No problem. Did you come from Mars or Jupiter?

 

by umfumdisi
8-03-09
EXTENZE makes that certain part of a male's anatomy larger!
We're so confident EXTENZE will work for you, we'll send you a week's supply...FREE!
One week later...
EXTENZE...
Bunch of liars.

 

by umfumdisi
8-04-09
Can I take your order?
I'd like a rye cracker.

 
by umfumdisi, 8-04-09

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-09
What's this?
Fried apples.
You actually fried apples?
Well, more like sauteed in a little butter then simmered in sugar-water with cinnamon, nutmeg and some 'lasses.
Mo' lasses?
You can't add less!

 
by umfumdisi, 8-28-09

 

by umfumdisi
9-08-09
Congratulations! After 300 Computer-Based Training hours, you are now a graduate of Retail University!
You are now ready to assist and serve our Customers in every manner possible.
Excuse me, do you have this dress in a size 1X?
Uh...I don't know. But it is time for my mandated lunch break!

 

by umfumdisi
9-16-09
Offpanel: Hey, did you guys hear that Patrick Swayze died?
Wow...Patrick Swayze.
Patrick who?
Patrick Swayze. Movie Star. You know... Red Dawn, The Outsiders, Point Break, Roadhouse, Ghost, Dirty Dancing?
I have never heard of any of those movies.
Hell. Wait, he was in that SNL "Chippendales" skit with Chris Farley.
Chris who?

 

by umfumdisi
9-16-09
Okay, Guy, just put your briefcase over there in the corner, and we'll start the meeting.
NO!
No?
No. This briefcase contains Patrick Swayze's soul...
...and nobody puts Swayze in the corner!

 

Hey, looks like somebody put Swayze in the coroner's.
by umfumdisi, 9-16-09

 

by umfumdisi
9-30-09
Another one of those minivans with little stick families on the rear glass.
Sigh
Wonder if those things are handy for kidnappers?

 

by umfumdisi
10-14-09
I lost my "S" car.
"S" car?
Yes. It's actually called a Snail car, but that's pretty obvious, so I just call it my "S" car.
Well, where did your "S" car go?
FRANCE! Haw, haw!
Sgt. Herb Utter is not amused.

 

by umfumdisi
10-14-09
I'm giving my presentation here? In this alien environment?
I need to go somewhere familiar so I can chill out. But where?
Ahhhhhhhhhh, perfect!

 

by umfumdisi
10-14-09
I am NOT playing frisbee with you anymore.
Why NOT?
BURP!
Oh yeah.

 

by umfumdisi
10-14-09
I say, do you have any bigger hats?
Do you have any smaller heads?

 

You got one for lamb?
by umfumdisi, 10-14-09

 

by umfumdisi
10-20-09
You know the store pretty well ... can you help me find the double support bras?
?
I thought ALL bras were "double" support.

 

by umfumdisi
10-20-09
POWERS:
Healing the lame. Raising the dead. Super catering!
QUIRKS:
Apparently unable to breathe in space.
WEAKNESSES:
Crucifiction.

 

by umfumdisi
10-20-09
POWERS:
Creation!
QUIRKS:
Love/Hate relationship with humanity.
WEAKNESSES:
A nice Chianti with some Veal Parmigiana.

 

by umfumdisi
10-21-09
How the hell am I going to get off this island?
Trick or Treat!
Trick or Treat? Uh, here, have a coconut.
I should have asked her for a ride.

 

by umfumdisi
10-21-09
I think I'll take a break. I have to tinkle...
WAIT SARAH DON'T!!!
What the?? You look just like me! Who are you?
I'm you from the future. I went back in time to warn you about something very important.
You went back in time to warn me about splashback?
Yeah, the future is boring as hell.

 

by umfumdisi
10-21-09
Things are a little slow here at CDW. Remember all the fun we had with Ed, Farrah and Michael? That was great!
Wait ... I understand we have an update from the ever-expanding workload of Ryan Seacrest.
Thanks, Cheri, I'm here today with Abe Vigoda. Turns out he's still alive. Seacrest, out!
Bummer.
Upsetting news, indeed.

 

by umfumdisi
10-21-09
Seacrest, out!

 

by umfumdisi
10-21-09
Where should we go on our road trip, son?
Let's go see Grandma!
Uh oh.
Cookies and hugs!
Son, remember when we told you Grandma was sick?
Why? Are we near the hospital?

Showing page 29.

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