All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

I don't mind gay people, I just don't want to see or hear all about their sex lives.
Our sex isn't all gross like yours.
When was the last time you looked in a mirror?

 

Mom...Dad...I have something I have to tell you...
You need to start saving up to pay for my wedding!

 

Do you want to go to a gay bar or a straight bar for your birthday?
Gay bar.
Why?
The drinks are bigger, stronger, and cheaper.
Just like the customers.

 

Oh god...look at that queen walking down the street.
Even I don't think I could swish like that.
Yeah--he's not bipedal, he's gaypedal.

 

I'm starving. When are we going to eat?
I've got something for you to eat in my pants.
I want a meal not a snack!
Hey! I put the hung in hungry.
I thought I was starving but he's reached the point of halleucination.

 

Let's walk to the restaurant--my boyfriend will meet us there.
How come he doesn't just come here first and we can all go together?
He said he had to go home and change out of his work clothes.
That's really just his code for "I don't want you to see me in those pleated pants you hate."

 

Hey, you wanna go out and do something later?
I don't think I should leave the house--my ass is burning.
Oh, yeah...that's because I was just talking about it.

 

My roommate is always bitching about how he can never meet any quality guys online for dating.
What's his screen name?
"BendMeOverThenLeave"

 

How was your new hair stylist?
I don't think I'll go back--she was slow and she made a bunch of mistakes.
Like what?
Well, she didn't close the cape tight enough around my neck, so now I have a bunch of hair on my back.
You mean twice-as-much!

 

I think it's funny how you perfectly imitate people when you tell stories about them.
I've been doing that my whole life.
I moved around a lot as a kid, so I learned how to mimic the accents of the people in my new town, and the talent grew from there.
Is that how you learned to do your straight voice?

 

I saw that computer salesman you know the other day.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, he was acting all gay.
That wasn't an act.
But he's not like that at all when he's at work.
That's the act.

 

Who's your daddy?
You are!
A Father's Day present would have been nice.

 

Which George Bush was president when you bought those acid wash jeans? The only date you're going to get wearing those is a carbon date.
Hmmmmmmm.
You need to stop eating red meat, join a gym, and cut your hair.
I think he might be a...
I like house music.
FAG!

 

He's cute...I hope he's gay.
Can I ask you a question?
Versatile.
Huh?
Nevermind!

 

What's this folder of mp3's called "metro?"
It's all my metrosexual music.
So that's what you listen to when you are gay pretending to be straight pretending to be gay?
Pretty much.

 

You're in pretty good shape--you could probably eat anything.
I'm really careful about what I eat because I used to be overweight.
Well, now that the weight is off, you probably don't have to worry too much.
Actually, I have a condition that causes me to obsess about my weight and view myself as out-of-shape, no matter what condition I'm in.
Anorexia? Body Dysmorphic Disorder?
Homosexuality.

 

You are cold, insensitive, and emotionless.
I liked it better when you would just call me a Virgo.
I know there's no difference, but this feels better.

 

I know you're mad at me because I left you and went camping for a week with my old friends.
But you shouldn't be, because I know how much you hate the idea of camping.
Didn't you stay at a hotel some of the nights?
At a Best Western. The only difference is the campground only cost five bucks a night.

 

You still dating the same guy?
Yeah. How's your love life?
You know I don't have a love life.
Fucking anyone?
Of course.

 

Wanna play circus?
What's that?
You lay down over there and perform tricks under the Big Top.

 

I need to get into better shape.
What do you mean? You look great.
You know how the camera adds 10 pounds to someone's appearance?
Yeah.
Homos add 30.

 

I just feel we're going nowhere.
I wish I knew what's wrong, but in the last month, something is different.
I'm still the same person. I don't think I've changed since I met you.
That's the problem.

 

What are you doing this weekend?
I don't know, pretty much the same stuff I do every weekend.
But it's PRIDE WEEKEND! It's the one weekend where we can be ourselves.
But I'm myself every weekend.
C'mon, get wild for once! Nobody cares who you are when you walk down the street in a t-shirt and shorts instead of bondage gear, thongs, or assless chaps.
That's what we should be proud of.

 

Hey, you have the rhythm of a black woman.
You really think so?
Yeah.
Beyoncé? Janet?
Aunt Jemima.

 

How do you like teaching?
It's okay--but what I really like about it is all the time off for the summer.
My high school English teacher and her travelling companion Barbara used to go all over the world during the summer.
Did they ever go to Thailand?
I don't think either of them were interested in travelling to "Bangkok."

 

Today, I was driving to work and I saw a car with a rainbow sticker on it.
Were you commuting or cruising?
It also had a personalized license plate.
What did it say?
True story...
BALLLVR
I wonder if NUTLVR is taken.

 

I don't know why you don't ever dance. Just put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.
UNH. UNH. UUUUUNNNH.
Well, at least I tried.

 

Hey, you want to meet us for dinner in Hillcrest in a half-hour?
Can we make it an hour?
We're kind of hungry. What do you have to do?
Well, if you want me to join you in the gay part of town...
You can't expect me to just walk out the door without thinking about what I'm wearing or worrying about how my hair looks.

 

My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend used to jerk off when he thought she was sleeping.
And then he'd cum in his hand and eat it.
Good god, why are you telling me this.
I thought you might want to give him a call.

 

Isn't it great out here?
I suppose.
I don't understand why you don't like camping.
Bears.
They won't bother you out here.
They do in gay bars, why wouldn't they here?

 

So you're gay, huh?
Yup.
That's cool...I used to be bi-curious.
For the record, I have no interest in hearing how you got over your curiousity.

 

Would you like to eat my creamy fudge cup?
You know I don't do that.
I didn't mean THAT!
Oh, so what do you have to eat?
I told you--a creamy fudge cup.
Sorry, I thought you came up with some sort of new nickname for me.

 

How's your boyfriend?
We haven't spoken in three weeks.
Wow. What happened?
We had our first fight.
Over what?
Which one of us wanted to break up with the other one more.

 
Here's your package--are you a friend of Barbie's?
No--Dorothy's.

 

So what are you going to do now that you're single again?
I was thinking of a beard.
You mean you're going to grow facial hair, or you are going to date a woman to give the outward appearance of heterosexuality?
I haven't thought that far ahead yet.

 

I'm really in no hurry to start dating again.
Well when the time comes, think of your last boyfriend and remember this...
If you want him to be jealous of whomever you're dating, date someone ugly.
If you want him to be mad at you, date someone hot.

 

I remember the first time I came. I had no idea what had just happened and it freaked me out.
Yeah, I also discovered masturbation before my school's sex ed curriculum.
Yeah, I looked down and wondered what that stuff was all over my bathroom sink and counter.
Bathroom sink and counter?
All I knew is it tasted good.

 

I can't believe you're working as a security guard now.
Why not?
What happens if you have to chase somebody down?
Honey, I just swish and sashay as fast as I can after them.
Won't that just make most guys run faster?

 

Wow--he's cute. Looks gay too.
Hi, I'm your new neighbor.
Oh...uh...hi.
My name's Lisa.
Damn lesbians.

 

My brother offered up his vacation home in Mexico for my bachelor party, so we'll have a nice relaxing weekend.
Even by Mexican standards, his bachelor party was an epic weekend of debauchery. Aren't you afraid he's going to subject you to a bunch of skanky whores?
In case things get out of hand, your job is to make sure he doesnt. You'll be my watch-fag.
Okay, I got your back.
Just don't get any ideas.

 

Are you hungry?
Yeah--let's drive a little further and find a restaurant.
Why not here?
You know what this place reminds me of?
Bartertown?
You know me too well.

 

My brother wants to go into that strip club over there.
Hmmm.
It's okay if you don't want to go in--we'll do something else.
No, I knew I was coming down here for a bachelor party. I'm more than willing to participate in all the fun.
Would it help if I bought you a lap dance?
It might help me act more gay.

 

Come een, buddy! We got the girls for joo.
Joo got any weapons, señor?
Sólo en mis pantalones, Paco, y que lo no es para las señoritas.

 

We're the only guys in here, and those two are gay.
Don't worry, bro, as soon as the strippers come out, they'll start doing all sorts of nasty shit.
How long do you think we'll have to wait for them to come out?
Who cares...how long do you think it's been since they cleaned that pole?

 

ALL RIGHT GUYS, WELCOME TO THE STAGE: MERCEDES!!!!!
Finally.
WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!
On a dark desert highway...
Cool wind in my hair...
Can you believe straight people strip to this song?
As if this song didn't already seem to go on forever.

 

I can't believe you bought a table dance for the gay guys.
Maybe I'll change them.
I can't believe you stuck a dollar there.
I'd go wash my hands if I thought the water was any cleaner down here.

 

I can't believe you dragged me into a gay bar.
After enduring that skanky strip club, you sort of deserve it.
What if some guy hits on me.
Don't worry--that's not going to happen.
But some guy hit on you two seconds after we walked in.
Yeah, but look at me!

 

Where's my brother?
Around the corner.
What's he doing?
Making Mexico beautiful.
How?
By puking in the alley.

 

Oh god...what happened to your hair?
The guy who cuts my hair came back into town.
For revenge?
I told him to start cutting and not to stop until he wanted to fuck me.
Looks like he did.

 

Where is that killer Mediteranean restaurant you were telling me about?
It's in the gay part of town, next door to the sports bar.
Fags don't like sports.
Some of us do.
Water sports don't count.

Showing page 3.

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