All comics by DaveMonkey

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by DaveMonkey
2-21-06
Good day to you! May I be the first to say welcome to our island!
I hope your stay here is a welcome one-- Saaay, is that a dagger I see before me?
I'm going to hunt down and kill anything so we can eat tonight.
Don't be silly! There's only the three of us on this small-- Oh, I see. When you say 'we' you mean...
I'm hoping that in the meantime we'll be friends...

 

by DaveMonkey
2-21-06
Look! A ship is coming! We're saved!
Hooray!
We gotta get out of here before that sick bastard finds out!
Don't worry, I gave him a little task to do to keep him busy...
*UNG!* The guys'll be so pleased I agreed to be a sun-dial...

 

by DaveMonkey
2-21-06
Well, the boys made it home and went their seperate ways. Clarence got himself a job...
You sure are kind to give me this oppertunity, Mrs. Axewound...
You sure do make a good spitoon. Now hold still, 'coz i got me a big 'un comin' to ya...
...James became a door-to-door salesman. He was fired within the week...
Basically, you give me a shitload of money, and I think about the possiblilty of not taking your stuff and forcibly doinking you...
The man of my dreams!
And Mr. Sticks..? Well, Mr. Sticks is happy enough...
I may be schizophrenic...
...But at least I'm not paranoid!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-22-06
Right! 'Create comic', 'save'. Let's see what the forums have to say about my stuff...
Dick-wipe!!
I beg your pardon?
You heard! Constant need for attention and affirmation have rendered you a vunerable nut-sack, begging to be kicked repeatedly.
Is there any need for that attitude?
Oh, is baby offended? You went on the internet, and people you don't know bitch-slapped you. What part of that is a suprise? You big girl's blouse!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-22-06
Shall I order us another Milk-plus, then have a bit of the ultraviolence, droog of mine?
Right here was where you're supposed to say something about your gulliver, even talk about 'the old in-out'...
Dammit! I KNEW there was a reason I didn't hang out with you!

 

Presenting: The 352nd Brokeback Mountain Joke
I wish I could quit you...
by DaveMonkey, 2-24-06

 

by DaveMonkey
2-24-06
And the chick says "Honey, your penis is in my popcorn!"
Ha ha ha...HA HA HA HA..... AAAAHAHAHAHA... HA HA HA HAAAA!! HOH HOH HOH!!Ooh-hoo! Ooh-Hoooo...
It wasn't THAT funny.
It wasn't funny at all.

 

by DaveMonkey
2-28-06
Man, you should totally see Serenity! It totally blows anything George Lucas did out of the water! It's what the prequels should have been like!
Well, I was kind of in two minds about it, but I don't think you're selling it the right way. The prequels weren't the best movies about, but I thought they were pretty decent enough--
Nah fuck that! Your precious Saga sucks, and the prequels bite ass! See Serenity and you'll see true greatness! Anything you like is crap in comparison!!
MOVIE NEWS: SERENITY A FLOP AT CINEMAS DESPITE GLOWING REVIEWS...
*Sniffle* Why won't anybody pay attention to me?

 

by DaveMonkey
3-03-06
Hello, and welcome to part 1 of 'How to socially interact'. Here we have DavMonkey. He will show us the do's and do-not's. See that Girl over there? Go over there and introduce yourself...
...Remember to do it politely and pay due attention to her reply. You may need it for further conversations...
Me Dave. You fine ass. Me make white stuff and flick it on you.
Now do you see where you went wrong? Can you see why that uniformed gentleman wants to take you with him?
Me sorry...

 

by DaveMonkey
3-03-06
Part 2 Sees our protagonist make a second attempt at conversation. Can you do it, Dave?
You want maybe we go suckee-fuckee and you make me breakfast. That is if I haven't kicked you out first, hoochie!
Okay, so you got lucky THIS time. Bear in mind most women wouldn't react like--
Look, fuck off for a minute or two, will ya?

 

by DaveMonkey
3-06-06
Dude! That stripper's calling you over! She wants you to join in!!
Holy shit! A dream come true! Game on, biatch!
Right then, ladies. What are you going to-- HEY!! Get off of those! Everyone can see my junk!! Why are you--? No, get off me!! Noo!! YEEEAARRRGH!!
Much Later...
I can't believe she stubbed a cigarette out on your ass then rode you around like a horsey...
I can't believe she threatened to kick the shit out of you for falling on her...

 

by DaveMonkey
3-07-06
Suck my dong!
I certainly will!
I was kidding.
I wasn't.

 

by DaveMonkey
3-07-06
Spin my Dreidel!
By 'spin' I mean 'suck', and by 'dreidel' I mean 'cock'.
You're so cool.

 

by DaveMonkey
3-07-06
So what were you up to last night? Did you drug a hooker, slash open her sternum, then eat the entrails whilst violating yourself?
Were you following me?
I'd ask for a high-five, but I don't want to touch you.

 

by DaveMonkey
3-08-06
♫ Why does it always rain on me... ♫
♫ Was it because I lied when I was seventeen...♫
BICKLE!! I asked for BICKLE!! Have you seen Taxi Driver?
I'm not familiar with the concept of 'flicker shows', now be off with you...

 

by DaveMonkey
3-17-06
Pamela Anderson sure is hot.
Hold on a second...
AAAAAAAARRRGH!!IT BURNS!! OH GOD IT BURNS!!!
She sure is.

 

by DaveMonkey
4-07-06
You know, I find that a finger up the ass is quite pleasurable...
Are we talking 'yours', or 'someone else'?
Take your pick.
I see. You do realise you have a digit up you right now?
...And I'm loving every minute of it!

 

by DaveMonkey
4-07-06
Trish... Do you love me anymore? You've gone awful quiet... You didn't look at me when we were making love...
*Sigh*
You're still not getting a Mars bar!

 

by DaveMonkey
4-10-06
Are you... a Libra?
No.
Okay, he's not a Libra, he isn't a Capricorn, and definitely NOT a Virgo...
Look, there's got to be a better way to do this. You wanna fuck or not?
You're bringing this on yourself, dude. I charge by the hour.

 

by DaveMonkey
4-10-06
Okay, you got me here. You wanna party or what?
Ssh! I think my mother's calling to me...
You live with your mother!?!
Technically, she lives with me. Dad threw her out and we have sex if there's nothing better to do.
Well, this evening's taken a turn for the weird...
You think that's weird? She's been dead for two years!

 

by DaveMonkey
4-10-06
What's going on?
Mother suspects something, so we're hiding out in here. If she comes in, take this hammer and pretend you're doing DIY.
I don't think so! SHAZAM!!!
The Fuck!?!
HAHAHAHAHAAAA- Oh shit, I should have run...
I was thinking of letting you live before, but now...?

 

by DaveMonkey
4-11-06
Hey! I went to the fridge to get my last doughnut, and it's not there! You wouldn't happen to know where it's gone, would you?
April Fools?
Fuck you.

 

by DaveMonkey
4-12-06
Shout hooray for rape!
Rape?
Don't mind if I do!

 

by DaveMonkey
4-13-06
Sick-O-Boy, come quick! There's a monster on the loose, and it's destroying everything in sight!! DO SOMETHING!!
♫ I was made for lovin you, bay-beh/ You were made for lovin' meee... ♫
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE MONSTER!!!
Right, right.

 

by DaveMonkey
4-18-06
When I was younger, I thought my parents and teachers had high hopes for me. They said I was 'Artistic'...
...Turns out later that they said 'Autistic'.

 

by DaveMonkey
4-18-06
I don't know what's gone wrong with my life, man...
Ah , don't worry about it. Something will come along soon. You'll be fine!
Thanks...
... Just out of curiousity, who the fuck just said that?
I was going to go for 'God', but you look like you'd be more convinced with 'Invisible Ninja'.

 

by DaveMonkey
4-18-06
Do you know who I hate? StickyMess. What a twat! Motherfucker makes my blood boil!!
Yeah! Upstart little shit! I wish he was dead! Then I'd shit on his twitching corpse. The self-fellating sphincter-Monkey!
Not that I'm protesting too much or anything...
Is that why you cried out his name when you were whacking off yesterday?

 

by DaveMonkey
4-19-06
*DING-DONG DIDDLEY-ONG!!*
Someone at the door...
Y'hello?
YOU FUCKIN' SUCK!! STOP FUCKIN' SUCKIN'!!
That was not worth the distance travelled, dude.
Says you. Sponsorship from other strippers MORE than paid for this...

 

by DaveMonkey
4-24-06
Look at what we have here...
Yes indeed...
This is quite clearly a crime and a half...
...And yet we haven't got the faintest idea where to begin...
Want to pin it on a black guy?
Case closed!

 

by DaveMonkey
4-24-06
Well this is so horrific, I don't even know where to begin...
Absolutely!
I mean, look at the quality of the chalk outline...
Fucking disgraceful!

 

by DaveMonkey
4-24-06
Well, after months of investigating it looks like we're getting closer to finding out who did it.
Outstanding!
Turns out we did it.
Score!

 

by DaveMonkey
5-08-06

 

by DaveMonkey
5-08-06
I wish I could quit y-
Hold it!
This is going too far with the brokeback mountain jokes. It's been done to death, and quite frankly I'm sick of it! Let it go and get a new script!
We're still gonna butt-fuck, right?
Of course!

 

by DaveMonkey
5-17-06
This is a test, you see? What you need to do is fall backwards and then I will catch you...
Right. You're a bit quick on the buzzer there. Next time, wait for me to get behind you first.

 

by DaveMonkey
6-12-06
So 'Megatron', how do you feel about your new movie coming out next year? What was it like filming it?
Painful.
Painful?
Yeah! The guys were sweet and all, but once that camera started rolling, they got very rough! They didn't even use lubricat-- We're not talking about the same movie are we?
Oh, my therapist is gonna be happy to see me...

 

by DaveMonkey
10-26-06
Have you seen the state of the music charts these days? Fuckin' disgrace!
I agree. A shambolic mess!
What we need is a visionary. A leader and genius of music to lead us back into the realms of goodness... But who?
Kenny Loggins?
That's your answer to everything.

 

by DaveMonkey
10-26-06
Anus! So glad you've decided to come out and joined the world of cottaging! Care for a hummer?
Actually, I was on the way to the shops and decided to take a short cut through the park.
So was I...
You told me that boy-love is a sin.

 

by DaveMonkey
10-27-06
So you're an invisible ninja, are you?
I'm actually your subconcious, but insofar as that is what your weird imagination would accept, then yes.
How do you manage the secret of invisibility?
...erm... Well, it's a belief thing, isn't it? Many people believe that when you actually do see a ninja, by then it's too late.
So what you're saying is the reason I can't see you is...
...Because I haven't killed you.

 

by DaveMonkey
10-27-06
Hey you! Name a famous actor who hasn't got a moustache!
Er...Michael Clark Duncan?
You lose. Bend over.
It would help if you could actually explain the rules of this game...
There are no rules to rape.

 

by DaveMonkey
10-27-06
...Your mother never forgave you for what you did to the cat.
And yet I wonder why I have no friends...

 

by DaveMonkey
11-03-06
Fuck all y'all!
SIMON SAYS 'Fuck all Y'all!'
CHAAAAAAARGE!!!

 

by DaveMonkey
11-08-06
Fuck all y'all!
Now I'm behind my invisible shield! You can't see me! YOU CAN'T SEE--
...So he fell on YOUR knife that YOU'RE still holding...
...Thirty times up his anus, yes.

 

by DaveMonkey
11-27-06
You're an untidy, slobby, slothful piece of shit!! You shot semen all over the bathroom floor! It took me ages to lick it all up.
You're disgusting.
You're delicious!

 

by DaveMonkey
12-05-06
How's the not-smoking thing going, Dave?
PISS OFF, PISS-FLAPS!!
Ah. this would be the nicotine withdrawal sympton, which commonly manifest itself as anger. Furthermore--
♫SUCK ON MEEEEE/ SUUUUCK ME!♫
I love you, but you want to hurt me...

 

by DaveMonkey
12-06-06
Well, here we are in heaven...
Indeed. There IS an afterlife after all.
Am I missing something? Did we die?
Who cares? We've escaped justice!

 

by DaveMonkey
12-07-06
Hello, chum! I was wondering if I could have a word with God.
I am the Ele-Mental. Meeting the almighty is a difficult task.
Oh?
Yes. First, you must accept that there are certain notions that people have of Heaven that are blatantly false.
Whatever. Can I see God?
He prefers 'Allah'.

 

by DaveMonkey
12-07-06
That sonovabitch Ele-Mental won't let me see God.
I can help you see God.
You can?
Yeah. Turn around and bend over.
Meeting God feels exactly like being in prison.

 

by DaveMonkey
12-08-06
Listen I'm in desperate need to talk to God. There's been a huge mist--
OOOOOWAAAHH! HOLY GHOST! HOLY GHOoOST!!
Fuck off.
Fair enough.

 

by DaveMonkey
12-08-06
You have been granted access to God. State your business, and don't steal the silver.
Yes?
Bend over.

 

by DaveMonkey
12-08-06
Hello? God? are you in there?
Come on in!
I can sense your disappointment.

Showing page 3.

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