All comics by EvilZak

Profile

 

by EvilZak
10-19-03
I am a sex god!
Well then, does a sex god prefer doing girls in the vagina or the ass?
What's a vagina?

 

by EvilZak
10-19-03
Everyone is sad to see that Dave Marble has died.
Except the mafia.

 

by EvilZak
10-20-03
I told him that in many cultures, a boy is considered an adult when he is thirteen years old.
He still arrested me though.

 

by EvilZak
10-20-03
I got so pissed about the man discriminating on us that I ran over a dozen of the honkeys!
Isn't that reverse discrimination?
Of course not!
I was driving forward!

 

by EvilZak
10-20-03
Attention everyone! I lost my wallet! It has five hundred dollars in it!
If you find it for me, there is a reward. I'll give you fifty dollars!
I'll give a hundred!

 

by EvilZak
10-21-03
Lifting weights?
Bingo.

 

by EvilZak
10-21-03
Can I go out with John this weekend, dad?
Hell fucking no! You know damn well he'll rape you if you look the wrong way for one second, and I refuse to let you get raped!
If it means that much to you, I'll consent!

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
Several decades ago, it took several adults to carry ten dollars worth of groceries.
Today, most first-graders can do that.
We sure are getting stronger!

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
My grandma died without passing on her recipes.
Now I'll never know how to make ice cubes.

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
This coffee you made is hot and I spilled it on my crotch. I am suing you.
Victory will belong to the citizens of Heaven!
And where are you going to get a lawyer?

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
Peek-a-boo! I see you!
Cootchie cootchie coo! Cootchie cootchie coo!
Hannibal, stop playing with your food this instant!

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
Everyone loved Mickey Lauper.
But not enough to come to his funeral.

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
Mrs. Brown, I've got good news for you.
I'm glad to hear that, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs. Brown.
Miss Brown, I've got bad news for you.

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
Why are those two fire hydrants fighting?
They're fighting over that dog.

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
HELP! Aliens are abducting me!
He's taking my clothes! What do I do?
Tell him you have a headache.

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
I told my plastic surgeon that my nose was too big.
She gave me a nose job.
Then I told her my hand was too big.

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
I got ten half-pound burgers. Yummy!
You're not going to eat those alone, are you?
Heck no.
I'm going to eat them with fries and coke.

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
John, you're not popular at all.
Is that so?
Look here!
The phone book lists you as "What's his name"!

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
Johnathon Blake was a man who...
I will thank you all to use headphones!

 

by EvilZak
10-23-03
Hillbilly Elementary's fifth grade teacher lucks out
Hooray, no students are present today! No papers, no stress, and no brats!
For the very first time in my life...
I LOVE JURY DUTY!

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
So, now that act one is over, what do you think of this play?
I love it!
So you'll stay to see the rest of it?
No. I can't waste such a long time at an intermission.
Huh?
It says right here, "Act two, five years later."

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
See? Bobbing for french fries is bad.

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
Well, mom, millions of people adore me. How about that?
Well, I must admit you're pretty successful.
But your father and I are still pretty pissed that you're not a doctor.

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
I'm scared as hell! This is my first heart operation!
I know how you feel. This is my first day as a doctor.

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
Son, we have to have a talk. A talk about the birds and the bees...
Okay.
What would you like to know?

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
Is it true that you're Jewish?
Yeah.
Then why is your name Hispanic?

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
Let's see... does this piece go here? No. Here? I give up.
I'm so pissed at this puzzle I'm going to destroy it.
And that's what happened to that two-piece you had.

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
I must be the best jigsaw puzzler ever!
It only took me one year to do this really hard puzzle!
The box said "two to four years"!

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
"The Assassin of Death" John Deathkiller was known for his strength, both inside the ring and out.
That's why it's rather weird that he died of diarrhea.

 

by EvilZak
10-24-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
...but I'll ask anyways.

 

by EvilZak
10-27-03
I considered being a mime.
I talked myself out of it.

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
The next event is rhythmic gymnastics. The third place winner gets a Bronze Baboon, second place recieves a Silver Simian, and first place wins a Gold Gorilla.
Everyone else can go fuck a monkey.

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
BURRITO ATTACK!
...but I'll never sleep with Diarrhea Man's wife again.

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
Your time is up. Jump off the edge.
HA! I didn't say Simon Says!

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
Let there be humans to dominate the world.
Let there be animals for the humans to travel on.
And let them make more life by reproducing.
I think he meant within your own species.
Too late now!

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
Hi.
And that's how I realized just how special life is.
So are we still gonna run over hobos with a pickup truck?
Hell yeah!

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
By R'leyh a jumbo jet attacks 23 crayons with ImageElvis, a pony sniffer, and 17 things.
Don't call us, we'll call you.

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
This crash makes me realize just how wonderful life is. I'll become a devout Christian and make other lives better if you'll save me God!
Okay, I'll see how this goes...
So, what do you think of me now?
That flight was to Baltimore, dumbass!

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
The rhythmic gymnast baboon died in the middle of the act.
Yeah, the whole audience was crying, and some of the children looked emotionally scarred.
I know. I couldn't stand it one bit.
Me neither.
Next time, let's hire a hitman.

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
Hey mom, can a six-year-old like me be married to a porn star?
Absolutely not!
Then will you pay for the divorce?

 

by EvilZak
10-28-03
Dorothy Rogers made a great sacrifice when she killed herself for the sake of the community.
It was very noble of her to show our police force which end of a gun fire bullets.

 

by EvilZak
11-02-03
Hiya, Joe.
Howdy do, Ern.
Seen Ed around?
Not since sensitivity training.
I'll pick cotton for you, but don't call me a cracker. It hurts my feelings, massah.

 

by EvilZak
11-06-03
knock knock
What is it?
I'm here to talk to you about Jesus.
¿Él cruzó la frontera?
No. ¡Maldiga la policía de la frontera!

 

by EvilZak
11-07-03
At the Scrabble Championship
I'm going to put an "S" on the end of "AS" changing it to "ASS" and after the "S" I put "HORTEGOINALAMAJARA" forming "SHORTEGOINALAMAJARA" on a triple score.
Hey, wait just a darn tootin' minute! I challenge!
There's no such word as ass!

 

by EvilZak
11-09-03
I save money on floss by simply using one of my hairs!
But Dave, you're

 

by EvilZak
11-10-03
My motto is "Let the punishment fit the crime".
I'm a rapist.

 

by EvilZak
11-10-03
OK, I understand why I'm not allowed to be near Stacy, but a hundred yards at all times? That's ridiculous.
It's not like I have a ninety-nine yard peter or anything.

 

by EvilZak
11-10-03
There's only one logical explanation...
The judge thinks I ejaculate for distance!

 

by EvilZak
11-10-03
Madam Christina, I advise you to beware of Leif The Lucky. He's known to spread poison on his dagger.
Don't worry, I'll be okay.
We're doing anal, not oral.

 

by EvilZak
11-10-03
Terry Jasonda was a great man, and his presence will be remembered even in death.
You in the back, could you at least show some respect and hide your shovel?

Showing page 3.

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