All comics by Intoxicatious

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by Intoxicatious
10-11-07
Can I see my Gwandmother's stone?
No. I'm sorry, but the word God was etched on it. The American government has banned the use of that word.
First of all, I'd like to thank *beep*. Wait, I can't say *beep* on TV? *beep* dammit.
Hey, *beep*. Hey, we can't say your name here either?
I'm sorry, Micheal. Not only does America police the world, but they also have a stranggle hold on us, too.

 

Hey, did you hear that Madonna is going to switch her record label?
Who?
by Intoxicatious, 10-11-07

 

by Intoxicatious
10-11-07
Many leading drug makers have recently withdrawn their infant cough medication.
They were quoted to say, "some infants have been overdosing."
This brings us to our next top story: "Baby Raves" It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your 2-month-old is?

 

by Intoxicatious
10-11-07
Due to E Coli, Topps, the leader in beef products, had to recall 22 million pounds of beef.
They have since declared bankruptcy.
Look for their new products under their new name: Bottoms.

 

by Intoxicatious
10-11-07
What do you think of the new millimeter-wave passenger imaging technology?
I love it. Not only do we get to arrest more passengers for no reason, but we also get to look inside of them.
Hey, look. That old guy has a colostomy bag. Do you think he could have hidden a bomb in it?
Who cares? Let's tackle him.
Next time, I'm DRIVING to Ireland.

 

by Intoxicatious
10-21-07
It's good to hear that you've come out of the closet, or wardrobe, or whatever you wizards own. We finally see eye-to-eye on at least one thing.
Wait, I may be gay, but it's not like I've stuck my wand in a young boy's mouth.
Oh, come now. I've read the way you look at that Potter boy.

 

by Intoxicatious
10-21-07
OK. See you later, Dumbledore.
Excuse me. Is this the right room for the pedophiles anonymous meeting?
I'm sorry. That meeting has been moved to King Middle School.
Um... Why?
Because they're giving out birth control to 11-year-old girls which I think is a disgrace to...

 

by Intoxicatious
10-22-07
Due to the lack of rainfall, many fires have spread throughout California.
Damn you. That use to be my house. Where's Katrina when we REALLY need her?
Oh, sure. Now you want me around. Make up your freaking mind.

 

by Intoxicatious
10-27-07
I heard that Wilson guy's sentence was overturned, but why was he in prison in the first place?
When he was 17, he engaged in oral sex with a 15-year-old girl.
So? That isn't statutory rape, is it?
Well, the state of Georgia considers oral sex to be sodomy.
Bah! Well, that's true. Americans are always spewing shit out of their mouths.

 

by Intoxicatious
10-27-07
Queue for Mac Leopard
Dude, can't you let me in already? I've been waiting here for hours.
Man, if I let you in early then I have to let the other hundreds of people in early. It would be pandemonium.
Queue for Windows Vista
If you buy Vista, we'll give you this free pen. It's a wonderful pen that never runs out of in... Wait, it crashed. Damn pen! Hello...? Anyone...?

 

by Intoxicatious
11-02-07
Well, looks like we'll have to throw away our frozen meat pizza.
Good thing I'm a vegetarian.
Hey, we should just make our own pizza. Less chance of e. coli riddled pepperoni.
True dat, yo. When have you ever heard of a vegetable hurting anyone?
What should we put on the pizza?
Spinach, baby. Lots of spinach.

 

by Intoxicatious
11-03-07
I am 5th level captain of the Golden Hills. Tremble beneath my boots of...
glory.
Are you playing fantasy again? When are you going to grow up? Adults don't have time for fantasy, dillhole.
10 Years Later...
Dude, so what are your picks for Fantasy Football.
grmbgrgrmbrgrrr

 

by Intoxicatious
11-03-07
That's right. The WGA is on strike.
Oh my God. It's Lars Ulrich of Metallica. What are you doing on the sidewalk?
Listen, man. I'm lying down. I suggest you do the same. We tried to fight the Internet, but it's just too strong.
This doesn't feel like it's helping.
Oh, you also have to sellout to video games. That's where the real money is... You wanna go play Guitar Hero 3 available now for PS2, PS3, Xbox 360, and Wii?

 

by Intoxicatious
11-03-07
Listen, Internet. you better stop putting up illegal copies of our songs, or else.
Or else what...?
Um...
That's what I thought, Mr. Hetfield. Let me just change your Wikipedia page here...
What? No! I was never a ballet dancer at age seven. This will tarnish my career. Damn you, Internet. You're just too damn strong...

 

by Intoxicatious
11-03-07
The man who dropped the bomb on Hiroshima has finally passed away.
He's gone. It's safe to come out now.
Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch.
Finally good to see something fall on HIS head. HAHAHA

 

If you're picketing then where's your sign?
Seriously? Do you even know why we're striking?
by Intoxicatious, 11-06-07

 

by Intoxicatious
11-10-07
Welcome to Lake MySpace. What's your username?
I'm Alicia Keys, man. Can't you tell?
I'm so sorry, Miss Keys. Please, enjoy your phishing trip.
Thanks. We brought you a gift, man.
Hey, guys. Wheel over that big wooden horse.

 

by Intoxicatious
11-10-07
So, another China made product was coated in something that makes us sick.
Poor little babies. The US needs to stop buying China made products.
Wait! Wasn't the steel used for the US-Mexican border made in China?
Oh my God!
OK, they should all be lying around out there, twitching by the border. Oh don't forget, they have skin that's kinda darker than mine, but they aren't black people.

 

by Intoxicatious
11-12-07
Yes, it is true. An ADHD brain matures three years later than a healthy brain.
I'd say it's more like 10 years in my case.
It affects the area of the brain responsible for thinking, attention, and planning. However, most kids grow out of it.
OK, now that definitely sounds like him minus the "grow out of it" part.
Remind me again, how old is your son?
Son? Oh no, I want you to take a look at my lazy, good-for-nothing husband.

 

by Intoxicatious
11-12-07
Did you hear about Kanye West's mom dying from complications after some cosmetic surgery?
Nope.
It makes you think. Would you get cosmetic surgery even after being told about some risk factors?
It depends on the operation. Like, if I were to get bigger boobs then I wouldn't care about the risk.
But, but you could die.
Well, yeah... but I'd look really sexy at an open casket wake.

 

by Intoxicatious
11-12-07
Listen, you can't keep crashing garbage trucks. You're fired.
I can't believe you're canning me. I feel so dumped. It's like I'm being kicked to the curb.
Look, you aren't a garbage man anymore, OK? You're no longer allowed to use job related puns.
What about white trash? Can I still use white trash?
Fine.
Stupid, white trash boss.

 

by Intoxicatious
11-26-07
Dude, have you checked out Guitar Hero 3 for the Wii?
Yeah, but I hate that the remote makes sounds when I screw up.
What's wrong with that? Do the poorly simulated sounds irritate you that much?
Simulated sounds? My remote plays the voice of my ex-girlfriend.
What!?
It's all, "You missed a note. Are you not suppose to play the blue button? The version on the computer plays it better."

 

by Intoxicatious
12-19-07
Did you hear about the Mississauga convenience store owner who stole a winning lottery ticket?
No.
Oh, yeah. He was charged, and the government took away his Canadian and Pakistani passport.
Oh, now it makes sense. The poor man came to this country looking for hope, and he was probably greeted with a 7/11 name tag at the border.
I don't think he owned a 7/11.
Oh, really? Well that completely changes my previous statement.

 

by Intoxicatious
12-19-07
So, Jamie Lynn Spears is now three months pregnant with her 19-year-old boyfriend Casey Aldridge.
Oh, thank God!
Why thank God?
I'm just happy that there isn't going to be another Federline walking around.

 

by Intoxicatious
1-03-08
But, doctor, that man almost died.
Yeah, he was a bitch, but I shocked that bastard back to health.
Maybe if you responded to these issues with some haste, this wouldn't happen.
Now where's the fun in that? Taking time might even lead to brain damage... Nice!
Oh, darn. Looks like another man is having a heart attack.
Hey, if we wait a few mintues, I get to use this saw thingy.

 

by Intoxicatious
1-03-08
This is awesome. We're texting each other while driving. Life can't get any better.
I know... Wait, I think we just hit a mailbox.
Oh my God. It was a kid.
What do we do?
Should I call 911?
No way, haven't you heard? It's not safe to use a cell phone while driving.

 

by Intoxicatious
1-04-08
Did you know that pneumonia is the world's leading child killer?
Really? I've never heard of the guy.
No, it's a sickness, but they're saying that oral treatment is just as effective as an injection.
Dude, I'm not going to give a kid oral. Now, THAT'S sick.
I'll do it.
Shut up, Pneumonia.

 

by Intoxicatious
1-22-08
I can't believe Brad Renfro died last Tuesday.
Yeah, and I can't believe Heath Ledger died this Tuesday.
Wait. Both of them died on a Tuesday? That seems suspicious.
It's like someone is bumping off actors each week. I wonder who the next star will be.
Man, I hope it's Paris Hilton.
I said STAR.

 

Windows Picture Viewer can display actual size or best fit... Why can't my penis use the same technology?
by Intoxicatious, 1-22-08

 

by Intoxicatious
4-17-08
ARGH! Some asshole just parked in my designated zone for parking.
Why don't you call the super?
One Hour Later...
He said I have to pay to have the vehicle towed. I think I'll stick a strong letter on his window.
That sounds fine, dear.
Two Hours Later...
The damn paper blew away. I just want to relax and watch TV. What's on at this hour?
Trading Spaces.

 

by Intoxicatious
8-11-08
Kurow.
Aj duubi shon.
Dis squil iss fresh asay.
Ta ha ha.
Schoon, schoon.

 

by Intoxicatious
10-23-08
Have you downloaded Megaman 9 yet?
Yeah, it's pretty freakin' hard.
I know. it's like Capcom is anally raping you the whole time, but you act like you want more after each death.
C'mon, bend over and squeal like a pig for ol' Capcom.
Weee. Thank you Capcom. I love Megaman 9. Weee.

 

by Intoxicatious
10-23-08
So, Stephen Harper won again.
Yep. Did YOU vote for him?
Actually, I did.
But I thought you were Liberal all the way.
Well, I really didn't vote FOR Harper. I voted against Stephane Dion.
Ha, I don't think anybody wanted that guy in power.

 

by Intoxicatious
10-23-08
OK, the judge ruled that you are free to go.
See, I told you I thought she was 16-years-old. Myotonic muscular dystrophy makes me a gullible guy.
Really? Well, then you aren't free to go.
Damn.
Heh, sucker.

 

by Intoxicatious
4-02-09
Seth MacFarlane dates young Miss Kate Todd.
Then, Seth MacFarlane canoodles young Miss Amanda Bynes.
You think that's bad...
How young will he go?
Hey there, Dakota Fanning.
It's like Hounddog all over again.

 

by Intoxicatious
5-12-09
GM circa 1999
Should we begin development on a second line of EV-1s?
Nope. I say we scrap that muthafucka.
Awesome! Fuel efficiency is for pussies.
Let's bring out the Hummer. LONG LIVE GM!
GM circa 2009

 

by Intoxicatious
8-08-09
OK, boss. I not coming to work for two years. Bye bye!
Huh?
Two Years Later...
I'm sorry, Esther. We deleted your employment with our company.
ARGH! I sue you for $5 million.

 

by Intoxicatious
8-08-09
This milk is so good, but I not drink it again for two years.
Two Years Later...
My milk is now sour...and deleted. I sue you for $5 million.

 

youtube/intoxicatious
OK, so this is a pretty fair representation of where I film my news videos on Youtube. Check me out! Intoxicatious, bitches.
by Intoxicatious, 12-05-09

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