All comics by Judas

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by Judas
7-29-03
SMASH!
BRAINS!
Who's fucking idea was this?
Chill, man. You're gonna break their concentration.

 

by Judas
7-29-03
Hippie, what are you doing here?
I came to stop the violence. They don't need to fight, man.
You must have thought a long time about this.
Yep. I have brains to think with.
BRAINS!
Judas, you're a bitch.

 

by Judas
7-29-03
BRAINS!
Don't make me do it, man...
BURNINATED!
You idiot! Haven't you ever seen Return of the Living Dead?
Uh oh...

 

by Judas
7-29-03
BRAINS!
BRAINS!
Hey Mike, I think you have my arm, dude.
Oh, my bad.
BRAINS!
BRAINS!

 

by Judas
7-29-03
So how did they stop the Zombies in the movie?
I don't know, I always fall asleep after the ugly chick gets all blue and naked.
Gloth, any ideas?
GLOTH FINISH GAME!
KING PAWN MOVE TWO!
YOU'RE STILL ON THAT MOVE?!

 

by Judas
8-09-03
BRAINS!
BRAINS!
Don't you club Zombies or something...?
No, that's bears.
So what if I turned the Zombies into bears?
They'd be poorly drawn and clubable? Whoa... clubable...

 

by Judas
8-09-03
BRAINS!
F'TAWYHTYGF HSCNDYLQW BEAJDJXURD RRRRAR!
POORLY DRAWN TRANSMOGRIFICATION!
I AM TEH BEAR! BRAINS!
It's clubbin' time.

 

by Judas
8-09-03
A Bunch of Clubbed Zombie Bears Later...
Well, that was anti-climatic.
Yep.
Do you think Usal will be pissed I killed his dog?
Yep.
THE END
I'd better go then.
Yep.

 

by Judas
8-09-03
Hey Jew! What happened to you at the show?
Hello one of Chris' random receptacles. What the hell are you talking about?
You know... the show you wanted everyone to be at...?
Oh yeah... I was there?
To be continued...
Yep.
Well... let's see if I can remember...

 

by Judas
8-09-03
It all started on a bad note...
I can't believe I got beat by a girl!
You got schooled!
I just can't open my throat, that's all.
I can.
Well, such an accomplished master of fellatio would have to be able to, Crynolyn.
....

 

by Judas
8-09-03
After the bunny punkery of the opener, my buddy Sam's band played.
Boy, I sure am enjoying their musical stylings. I think I'll light up a cigarette.
That wasn't a cigarette, Neo.
Uh oh.... Dalmar, take this.
No thanks.

 

by Judas
8-09-03
After getting rid of the not-cigarette, I tried to get my bearings...
Ugh... need... air...
Then the owner of the club kicked my ass out.
Hey you, you need to go home...
Gah... not again...
And Warzone came and got me.
You bitch, you got high again, didn't you...
Ngh... shut up and drive.

 

by Judas
8-09-03
And that's what happened.
Oh.
Well, that and doing more drugs once I came to.
You should really get sober.
THE END
Shut up and go give Chris a rimjob.
Okay.

 

by Judas
9-10-03
Have a guy in your group that annoys the piss out of you?
The ladies hate my body so I should tell funny jokes to mask my shame!
Are you too much of a fuckin' pussy to do anything about it?
God this guy's a fucking moron, but he does bring soda every week...
Do you have narcotics or sexual favors to trade?
You bet!
I don't even want to know which...

 

by Judas
9-10-03
Then bring his ass to Mordor!
Your Tylenol-3 gets you NOTHING, BITCH!
What about a blowjob?
Yes, Mordor. Where your problem gets his ass handed to him by Chupa and Dalmar every week.
We'll be killing you today!
And every day, until you shut your fucking Doritohole!
If your trade is good enough, we'll throw in a day with Judas.
Here's some crank and an excersise bike! Get to work, chubby!
Every time I ride a bike, I get an erection.

 

by Judas
9-10-03
We'll give your boy plenty of life experience.
Just eat the fucking brownie, pussy.
The last one made me think gerbils fit in my no no spot.
He'll make new friends.
Here squirrel...
First BGA, now this tubby bitch...
And we'll make sure no more verbal diarrhea spews from his gaping cockhole.
No one gives a fuck about your homosexual dance party you call a Vampire game!
But... I'm letting in Cappadocians and True Brujah...

 

by Judas
9-10-03
We also have a drama queen reprogramming center.
I am so alone... nobody loves me.
Hey Jew! Is this one a Goth?
I think so.
What do we do with them again?
We duct tape their mouths shut, make them listen to Headnoise until they love Jesus and, of course, lots and lots of prozac.
Step 1. Got it.

 

by Judas
9-10-03
Mordor is available for you every Sunday and Wednesday.
Shoot Knife!
Strangle Beat and Crucify!
Just bring your problems to us. We need the people. This was our last practice.
Moo!
If I recall correctly, you didn't fight at all...
Sure I did. I fought the urge to fall asleep on the ground.

 

by Judas
9-17-03
This is an important announcement!
I am completely out of fucking ideas!
Someone do something stupid to inspire me, or there'll be comics like the one following.

 

by Judas
9-17-03
Hey Jew, what's the best thing about raping a 10 year old girl?
I don't know, Hippie. What IS the best thing about raping a 10 year old girl?
If you turn her over, it's like raping a 10 year old boy!
You fucking moron!
What?
That's why you kidnap a 10 year old boy too! Now go take a bath before the cops get a whiff of pre-teen quim on your dick.

 

by Judas
9-17-03
Hey, faggot! Where've you been!
I've been out there, man.
You sound pretty high for a straight-edge ninja core motherfucker.
It wasn't an act at all, I swear.
Sure. just like your supposed heterosexuality and "girlfriend".
Your comics are too mean, Judas. I'm leaving.

 

by Judas
9-17-03
Hey Warzone! What are you reading?
Porn.
Really, which one?
The one with naked women in it.
You're not leaving me anything to work with here...
You're making it difficult to enjoy my porn, fucker.

 

by Judas
9-18-03
Hey Hippie! What's wrong?
My boss yelled at me because we got five calls complaining about my stench.
Have you considered bathing?
I shower! I just don't use soap!
If you use soap, the anal sex will hurt less.
Will my butt still look like a slimy, brown balloon?

 

by Judas
9-18-03
So Eric, you're on Judge Judy Thursday September 18th, right?
Yep.
You're also a Jew, is that correct?
Yep.
Can I borrow some money?
Fuck you, stop hanging out in front of my bar.

 

by Judas
9-18-03
You know, for being out of ideas, you're sure making a lot of comics, Judas.
You know, for being a straight guy, you sure do make out with a lot of men, faggot.
That was at one party!
And the kitchen of the Macaroni Grill.
Who told you?!
I was just making shit up! Fess up: how many boxes of uncooked spaghetti fit in a man's rectum?

 

by Judas
9-18-03
Still looking at porn?
Yep.
Don't you have anything better to do?
Nope.
You know that's just a National Geographic don't you?
Naked black chicks turn me on.

 

by Judas
9-18-03
You called?
I'm bored, entertain me.
Okay... what's the best part about raping a 10 year old girl?
I don't know, Usal, what IS the best part of raping a 10 year old girl?
When she runs home screaming to mom and dad you get to rape them too.
I like your jokes the best!

 

by Judas
9-18-03
What's wrong, Deuce of Jerkcity fame?
My zipper is stuck.
Did you try untangling Pants from it?
He seems quite content.
But how will you ever get head again?
Now you see my predicament.

 

by Judas
9-18-03
Okay, sixes I understand, but why sevens?
I was going to summon the ghost of Aleister Crowley.
You dumbass! There are 8000 people claiming to be the ghost of Aleister Crowley.
So, I'll pick one.
They're all bunny punks who just read the satanic bible.
AAAAAHHH! [ABORT] [ABORT]

 

by Judas
9-18-03
TOO LATE!
L4M3R F4G! I WILL H3X0R J00!
I didn't know ghosts spoke elite. Especially ghosts of cermonial magicians.
I like Good Charlotte.
Shut up, you're just not funny enough.
Nobody loves me, I'll go kill everyone in my school now.

 

by Judas
9-25-03
Work sucks. Something interesting better happen.
Any time now, yep.
Dammit, Warzone! Do something interesting!
I'm TRYING to ogle Pamela Anderson here!

 

by Judas
10-08-03
How can I help you?
Can you please direct me towards a dick to lick?
Right down here!
Thank you.
So many eye sockets, so little time before I go flacid.
OWW!!

 

by Judas
10-08-03
This look is so much better for you, hippie.
Arr... I'm gonna go pirate me something.
I've got just the thing!
BAAA!
Arr... it's got less diseases than my last couple wenches.

 

by Judas
12-10-03
So we're gonna tell a little story...
Yep.
The names will not be changed...
Because no one is innocent.
So fuck you.
At least he's not cutting you with a boxcutter like he did me.

 

by Judas
3-03-04
The Setting: Cleveland, OH... West Side 1999
Hey, Bunny can't get himself off. That's why his 'alone time' lasts so long!
WHAT?
Dude, you don't know how to jerk off?!
I guess not. I've tried everything.
Have you tried not thinking about your wife?
I do that during sex.

 

by Judas
3-03-04
So, how do you normally attempt to rub one out?
Well...
GLOTH SAY THIS SCENE NOT APPROPRIATE FOR ANYONE! GLOTH EDIT!
You stick what in your ass?
Shut up, it's not funny.

 

by Judas
3-03-04
Show him your dick!
NO!
Why not?!
I don't go around showing my dick to my friends!
He's embarrased 'cause of the scar...
RENEE!

 

by Judas
3-03-04
Okay, your technique is way off.
It is?
First of all, you have a bit of foreskin left over. Use that.
...dude... this is too weird...
You've got to learn this sometime. Otherwise, you'll have cum squirting out of your eyeballs.
As opposed to in my eyeballs like usual?

 

by Judas
3-03-04
A few more pointers later...
So go try it!
No way!
C'mon... Renee won't stop bugging me until you do.
NO!
I'll give you 20 bucks. Use this cup.
SOLD!

 

by Judas
3-03-04
One minute later...
Well...?
See for yourself...
One trip to the bathroom later.
I don't believe you, you could have just put soap in the cup.
I swear I did it!
Only one way to find out...
DUDE!

 

by Judas
3-03-04
Ha ha ha ha!
Ughhhhhhh!
Yup, that's cum alright.
I can't believe you drank that!
THE END
Here's your twenty bucks, Zip... uh, Gothmog.
Don't talk to me, it smells like my man-juice.

 

by Judas
4-08-05
In other news... Advanced Faggotry is on the rise in all 50 states.
Analysts blame the Diversity section at blockbuster.
I blame the permissive liberal media and Queer as Folk.
J00 SOUND HOTT~!

 

by Judas
4-08-05
This is a Jew. He got arrested for sexually assaulting a woman with a razor blade.
I was hooked on Crystal Meth, a dangerous stimulant not recommended by Henry Rollins.
Crystal Meth makes you do wacky things.
Like make comics?
Like stabbing rapist kikes in the eye with my cutlass, motherfucker!

 

by Judas
4-08-05
So what you're saying is that the conflict in Israel can be solved by allowing equal protection under the law to all citizens?
Yep, and giving us back our land.
It's not your land, it's ours! It says so in the Torah!
I wipe my ass with your Torah!
No, you wipe your ass with your hand.
Oh yeah.

 

by Judas
4-08-05
And that's why I won't finish you off, it helps maintain your youthful vigor.
You believe Chinese people over Hebrew scientists that have been studying how to properly treat a penis for millenia?
Hebrew scientists?
Hells yeah.
The same ones that said let's snip the tip for Yahweh?
It's scientifically impossible to maintain optimum wetness if your partner's dick looks and smells like a yeast-covered turtle head.

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