All comics by Screwball

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by Screwball
11-08-04
You know, Snake, I really need to get laid more.
Why you telling me?
Maybe you can help.
Help how??
Those of you in Chicago know this club...
Go to Hunters with me.
I think you need something more. Like some balls.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Living in Minnesota is a drag sometimes.
In Chicago, I could walk down an alley and get laid.
Up here, I couldn't get laid with a fistful of dollars.
Are they all singles??

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Luke, Luke, Luke
Jazi, Jazi, Jazi
Luke, Luke, Luke
Jazi, Jazi, Jazi
Would you two say something and not blither like fucking idiots, damnit??

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Neal, sometimes I feel you don't respect me as a person
And I want to know why.
I'm sorry, babe, were you saying something? I was checking out that chick over there on the bench.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Neal, do you ever hear anything I'm saying??
Are you listening, Neal??
Neal?
I think she's saying something about fucking...

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Living in Tulsa is cool
Because on quiet nights when the wind is just right...
You can hear people in Oklahoma City who have lives.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
Howdy, Ma'm, who might you be?
Listen, Hoot, I'm looking for someone who's normal. The last jerk I was with stole one of my bras.
Are you normal?
As far as I know.

 

by Screwball
11-08-04
This is really nice.
It could have been better
We could have gone to the rodeo
Nice going, Sarah..

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
You know, being a cowboy isn't a bad thing
The exercise, the hard work...
The nights waking up next to some fat cow...
I could have married that doctor like Mom wanted me to...

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Hey, want to have some fun?
Sure, like what??
Let's go cow-tipping!
You know, you said you were normal...maybe you're abnormally gay.
Ouch.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Hey, you listen to Manson, Slipknot, Mudvayne, and Metallica?
Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes
Aren't you the wrong race to be a goth chick??
I hate you.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
And now that Neal has me, he won't listen to me, he doesn't even know I'm alive
I'm just glad SOMEONE listens to me.
I'm sorry, were you actually talking to me??

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Neal, do you love me??
Sure, Babe
That should get me off the hook.
Really?
Yah.What kind of beer are you buying? The guys are coming over to watch the Panthers.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Nichol, help me.
What's wrong?
Its Neal. He won't listen to me, he won't cuddle, he won't do anything except stand there and flex his stupid muscles
Well, do what I do with Jimmy...
And that is?
Every night, I stick a log up his ass. Keeps him paying attention.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
I wonder if anyone knows I'm here
I wonder if I'll ever get laid again
I wonder what cardboard tastes like

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Talking to Laylani
So, did you ever get things going with Jlo?
No. I basically just stood around with my dick in my hand.
Talking to Laylani
Talking to Laylani
Someone's about to get their ass kicked
I should have chosen a better phrase.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
So, I just blew it again...
First I missed out on Sarah
Then Neal came to my house for a "friendly" visit
PUT 'EM UP!

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
So, Neal had to be convinced not to act like an asshole
And just when everything looked good...
Excuse me, sir, do you know someone named Craig? He shoved his pitchfork up the Mayor's rear about thirty minutes ago
I hate my friends.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Craig destroyed the fucking city council meeting
At least he's gone, and there won't be any more trouble.
Someone say "Trouble??"
Twan, maybe you should have sent Craig instead.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Man, I've had a great time here
Oh, no
I burned down the Governor's Mansion, blew up Sooner Stadium, fucked the governor's wife till she cried, looted every Wal-Mart between here and Norman, and put grenades on every street in Tulsa.
Priorities...
YOU BLEW UP SOONER STADIUM?? YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING...I'm going to kill you!

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Wanna make love?
No.
Wanna Fuck?
Yes.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Neal, I think you'd better pay some attention to Lexi.
And if I don't?
If you don't, I will.
Trust me, you don't want that.
And you don't want this fist in your mouth, but you're on a dead run straight to it.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
This is a very old joke.
My grandfather once told me a joke
This is a very old joke.
He was talking to his first wife and meant to ask her to pass the sugar, and he said "You fucking cunt, you ruined my life!!"
This is a very old joke.
Moral of the story: Never get married to a fucking cunt.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Give me a dollar, Twan.
I thought you were over that.
Well, after being with Jazi, that's all I can remember.
Hell, that happens all the time...
Whenever I go to Mike and Tasha's parties and get drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why people talk to you.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
So what happened with Jazi??
It was incredible...
Really,Luke?
Yeah...I was really feeling it, and we were in paradise
Then Jeff came in and turned on the rape scene from Pulp Fiction, and that pretty killed the mood.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Good lord, Satan, what have you gotten me into??
Andh thean Ah thoahgt you and Ah could mahby go ovah some budget cuhts
Look, Newt, it's like this...you're a fucking slimeball, and frankly I think you should be in jail, or at least being beaten up by the ghost of Ronald Reagan.
Did you get that?
Miss, Dwahny, ar-h you cuhmin onh ta meh??

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
I hate to shave. But I have to.
The last time I went a week without shaving...
George Bush accused me of having weapons of mass destruction.

 

by Screwball
11-09-04
Damn you to hell, Newt, who the fuck told you to make budget cuts without my approval??
Whale, Miz Dwahny, itz lak thiz...
Fuck that, Newt, I want to know why
Cuaz Ah I wuz tohld ta
I didn't give you any such order!!!
Noht Bah you, bah th' little mahn who lihves en mah skhull.

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Neal, I'm so glad you actually opened up to me!
Hey, babe, what'd you expect? I'm a sensative man, like I always tell ya.
You must really have thought long about it.
Maybe you're thinking about how far you want to take our relationship.
Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O...

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Newt, you son-of-of a bitch, how dare you suggest I'm coming on to you!
Whale, Miz Dwahny, Ah ahlarehdy know ya cahn't reshist mah rhednheck chharhm
Newt, I don't think you understand...
If I was coming on to YOU, I would have to be in the final stage of syphillis and have half my brain eaten away.
Ahw, Miz Dwahny, Ah beht ya sahy thhat ta ahlhl tha boyaz

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Newt Fucking Gingrich...I can't believe I've been saddled with HIM!
What on earth could be worse
Satan, somehow you'll pay for this
So, where's my office??

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
I've got a piece of elephant shit for a Vice President
THIS IS REALLY FUCKIN INCREDIBLE!!
The Grim Sleeper as my Secretary of Defense..What could possibly be worse...
I had to ask.
Let's make war, not love!! 8-X!!

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Dawny begins trying to figure out what to do about the war in Qari (Iraq, but remember, this is hell)
So, what do you suggest we do?
I think we should pull our troops out as soon as possible
So what do you suggest we do?
Bomb the hell of of those raghead fucks!! 8-X
So what do you suggest we do, moron?
Ah thank whe shoul' mahke tha'hm a U.S. cohloney an mahke ahl thhose raghaid bastads schrub mah bahthrhoom.

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
This is Josh
Hi, I'm Josh, and I think I have mono
This is Josh
This is Josh-yet another bad idea on my part
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COMIC!!

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
So I'm new here.
Last time I was in New York, I was in college
That was the last time I visited the docks. I wonder what ever happened to Snowflake...
Are you still here??

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
What happened here?
What are you asking me for?
Well, I figured, you're in New York...
This is New York??
You don't get out much, do you??
I write the fucking comic strip, and I don't get laid much. Sue me.

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
He's wonderful...how do I tell him I want him??
Goddamn, she's fine...how do I tell her I want her??
He's wonderful...how do I tell him I want him??
Goddamn, she's fine...how do I tell her I want her??
GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!
He's wonderful...how do I tell him I want him??
Goddamn, she's fine...how do I tell her I want her??

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Breakups are a motherfucker...
There's crying,there's screaming, there's a lot of why did I's and what could I have done's
And then he walks in the door.
Well, I've heard enough.

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Neal are you ever going to care more about Lexi than you do about yourself?
Is that a rhetorical question??
I want to push a stick into his eye...
I'm THE MAN.

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Neal, you can't be serious...
I can too, punk!
And why not?
Because Lexi loves me too much to leave me.
Because you're a nice guy??
No, because I'm there.

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Listen, pencil-neck, butt out of my business!
And if I don't?
Then I punch a hole in your stomach.
You couldn't punch a hole in a doughnut.
That does it, shithead, put em up!

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Neal, this is ridiculous.
Scared, shitbag??
Uh...Neal.....
Come on, FIGHT!!
Sir, we have a report of a disturbance...
Out of the way, flatfoot!

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Sir, I really must ask you to stop fighting...
And if I don't, you loser-ass bitch??
Then I must report you to my boss.
Go right ahead, assjack, see if I care!
Hello, Neal...
SHIT...!!!!

 

by Screwball
11-10-04
Neal, have you guessed why you are here??
Because I didn't care about Lexi?
Of course not, Neal, don't be a dumbass.
Then why?
Because I need a fuck partner, and you won the lottery.
I hate my life.

 

by Screwball
11-11-04
So, out with it...how'd you get down here?
It's really quite simple
Well?
It's like this...evil deeds get you sent to hell...
I voted for George W.Bush. Both times. And I watched Freddy Got Fingered and liked it.

 

by Screwball
11-11-04
Miz Dwahny, whhat woulda ya dho ef Ah tohld ya thhat thhat ghoat ghy whas ah cohomunisht shymapathisa??
Is this more of your bullshit, Newt? I really can't handle it right now...
Ya knohw whhat, Miz Dwahny??
What, Newt?
Mahyby I nheed ah ghood fuch.
Fine, Newt. Fuck yourself.

 

by Screwball
11-11-04
Twan, maybe you should stay single.
Hey, I have an idea.
Whatever idea you have, it probably sucks.
Don't you have any friends I can date?
I'm going to punch you in the throat now.
That's what friends are for.

 

by Screwball
11-11-04
So how'd things work out with Mike??
He's a hayseed. I swear, normal guys don't exist anymore.
Well, you could always date me...
....HAHAAHAHAHAHA....Oh, wait, you're serious??
Not anymore.

 

by Screwball
11-11-04
Josh is really an innocent kid...
So that's why whenever he goes out, I worry about him.
Josh, how do you always manage to end up like this??
Wasn't my fault,man...one second she was a girl, the next second they were all boys...

 

by Screwball
11-11-04
Josh, I need to talk to you about your dates...they haven't been up to par...maybe I should go out with you
Is that right?
If you go out with me, I'll never get a date! You haven't been on a date in so long, the right side of your bed has cobwebs!!
If he wasn't my friend, I'd strip him to a G-string and drop him off at the Eagle..
And what's up with that shirt??

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