All comics by Twanzilla

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by Twanzilla
6-03-12
I don't want to be a prostitute!
But it's just for a week or two, until we get the new roommate. Then we'll be done with that chapter.
A week? Are you crazy or something. Who do you know who does it for just a week.
Me.
I know this is inappropriate, but who the hell would pay you for sex?
The same people who'll be paying you, dillhole.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
So what's this about you and Allen forcing Josh into hooking?
Relax, Tasha, we just need to him to make about a thousand bucks to cover the rent this month.
Wait...your rent is only 800 bucks.
Yeah...but we need that money.
And we're doing this to pay Josh back for all the times we had to bail him out.
Make it two thousand, then, the little prick still owes me seven hundrend.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
So how was it?
Going to sleep tonight would not be in your best interest, for tonight is the night I shall eviscerate you.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
Oh, please, it wasn't that bad!!
It wasn't that bad??
FLASHBACK!
And then, after I left the Army after the McCarthy Hearings, I got a job with William Paley as a footrest, which paid handsomely in those days...I hate commies...
But he still paid, right?
And so will you.

 

by Twanzilla
6-03-12
Oh, please, it wasn't that bad!!
It wasn't that bad??
FLASHBACK!
And then, after I left the Army after the McCarthy Hearings, I got a job with William Paley as a footrest, which paid handsomely in those days...I hate commies...
But he still paid, right?
And so will you.

 

by Twanzilla
6-04-12
I cannot believe that YOU decided that I was going to do this.
Stop yer whinin, we needed the money.
No, YOU needed the money.
And YOU enjoyed the sex.
...no, I didn't, it was disgusting, scary, painful, and I was wishing I was dead while it ws going on.
Now you know how Reggie Bush and Ray J felt.

 

by Twanzilla
6-04-12
That damn Twan and his stupid ideas.
I made most of my money with Bernie Madoff in the early days
Why couldn't he do this crap?
Now I mostly live a hippie lifestyle, sit around and pound on bongos all day---and I'm hung like a rhino on meth.
Wait, you are?
Figures that's the part you heard, slut.

 

by Twanzilla
6-04-12
I'm taking Lexi out tonight.
Have a good time.
I plan to. That's why I'm taking the rubbers.
But it's not raining.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
How was it?
Well, I'll tell you. I had a good time, but two things kept bothering me.
Which were?
Well, the one chick kept feeling me up and telling me all the good things she was going to do to me.
And then?
She puked in my shoe. The walk home was about as much fun as watching reruns of According to Jim.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
Well, it happened.
What did?
Josh is bringing one of his clients here tonight.
Now wait a damn minute!

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
What's this shit about you bringing one of your clients here?
Well, it's simple...you wanted me to be a hooker, I'm a hooker.
Shit-for-brains, we don't want them to know where the hell we live.
Relax, it's not like he's a cop or anything.
Yeah, this story's going in a weird direction.
Well, that's a relief. So what exactly does he do for a living?
He's an FBI Agent.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
He's WHAT?
An FBI agent.
Dammit, we're fucked.
Nah, I felt his crotch. That's me.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
We are such morons.
What? What are you talking about?
Josh made a hooker date with a fucking FBI Agent.
Damn...
I gotta go delete my music and porn.
Gee, thanks for seeing the priority here.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
This is it. I'm going to jail for the rest of my life.
Just a second.
Yeah, I'm Joe Rivera. Where's Josh?
This guy isn't an FBI Agent, he looks like he hasn't had a sandwich since George W. owned the Rangers.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
So, um...Mr. Rivera, Josh tells me you work for a government agency.
That's what he told you, huh?
Well, you, um, look the part.
Of course.
I work in the anti-prostitution unit.
J-O-O-O-S-S-H!

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
We're going to prison, Allen.
What makes you say that?
Because this guy Rivera works for the Anti-prostitution unit of the FBI
And why does that matter?
Because we compelled Josh to be a hooker, you asshat!
Oh, right. Well, that happens.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
Get the fuck out of my bedroom, Twan.
Just making sure Mr.Rivera is enjoying himself!

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
That was real good, kid. I'll see you next week.
Sure, Joey.
Well?
I'm quitting.
Hooking?
No, Married men.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
I want you to stop hooking.
I'm serious. I've seen the light.
Too much of it, apparently.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
You're serious? I never have to hear any more about this bullshit hooking?
Never...
Now, if you were to become a stripper down at the Lucky Horseshoe...
Hey, here's a thought, Twan: Why don't I give Rivera a call and see what he thinks of this conversation?
After all, abetting prostitution is a felony.
Not paying rent in my house is a felony too, but you don't see me handcuffing you. You might like that, though. Bitch.

 

by Twanzilla
6-07-12
Ugh, what a night.
.....good morning, JB.
Mornin, Twan.
Wait a second. You moved out.
Yeah....my new apartment with the skinheads didn't work out.

 

by Twanzilla
4-04-14
Yesterday I dreamed I was Eminem.
Except, oddly, I was wearing dreadlocks and looked like Ziggy Marley.
Wait...I was Ziggy Marley.
Kids, this man started doing drugs two years ago. This is the end result.

 

by Twanzilla
4-04-14
Guys, I've made a decision. I'm putting my foot down.
As of today, I'm going to start charging each of you rent.
You realize, of course, that you'll forget about this as soon as Lexi comes in here and starts making googly eyes at you.
Now, you stop that! I'm not that much of a...uh...what was I talking about again?

 

by Twanzilla
4-04-14
I'm serious. You guys are really using the house as a launching pad. You've expelled more sperm in the last two years than Ron Jeremy ever.
You guys must all think I'm an idiot for not demanding any rent.
Well, I must be an idiot.
Well?
You expect us to deny it?

 

by Twanzilla
4-04-14
You really think I shouldn't be asking for rent?
Of course not. Think about this...
Without us, you'd live a boring life full of books, videogames, and porn.
But that's the life I live now.
THAT'S NOT OUR FAULT!

 

by Twanzilla
4-04-14
Allen, JB, Josh, Jesse, and Tasha. And here I am trying to ask them for rent in this bacchanal.
How on earth did I get into this?
I said, how on earth did I get into this?
Antwan, I really, really hope you aren't asking ME this question. I have more important things to worry about, like SAVING YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL FROM SIN!!

 

by Twanzilla
4-04-14
Oh, come on, Jesus, what is this? I'm the one good guy in this house.
Are you really?
Yes.
You realize I can see everything. Including what you did Thursday night in that alley?
But that's not illegal!
Is in Leviticus. We don't claim it anymore, but there's still some things you just can't do!

 

by Twanzilla
4-04-14
Are you telling me that there really isn't anything you said about gay or trans people in the negative?
That's correct.
And that you and your dad love people if they love you regardless of who your sex partner is?
Also correct.
And that you're actually black?
Well, we don't discuss that part around Dad. He's still sore about the ribbing he takes from Paul about loving the brown sugar.

 

by Twanzilla
4-04-14
Jesus, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you!
Well, you are and you aren't.
What does that mean?
Well, your mouth is moving but I'm not really listening. But you should be used to that.

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
Before you go, I just have one more question.
Speak. Quickly.
Are you ever coming back?
Yeah, I'm coming back.
Even Jesus won't stop using that line!
When? When it's time for Revelations? When the final days are about to begin?
No, when you stop touching yourself at night.

 

I think of myself as a professional athlete. Top flight in my field, better than 99% of the people walking the earth in what I do.
I think of you as a professional athlete too. Useless in everything other than your field, and taking up space that could be used by someone with a purpose that doesn't involve a ball.
by Twanzilla, 4-05-14

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
Hey, JB, I'm just getting back from...Wait, what are you doing?
I'm checking up on those guys I moved away from when I quit being the Grand Wizard.
Uh, right. So what happened?
Well, I just found out what Jack Ray Jones, the guy who replaced me, did after I quit.
I don't suppose he went to prison.
Worse. He's the junior senator from Florida.

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
Wait...the guy who replaced you as Grand Wizard of the fucking KKK won an election? To the U.S. Senate?
Stunning, isn't it?
Stunning? A RACIST IS REPRESENTING THE PEOPLE OF FLORIDA! HE'S THE REPRESENTATIVE OF A STATE FULL OF LATINOS AND BLACKS!
What's the difference between him and Robert Byrd?
That is completely different for reasons that I'll eventually figure out!
One of those reasons may be that you're a moron.

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
You're not going to talk to Senator Jones?
Yeah...about that.
FLASHBACK!
We don't hate black people. We do, however, hate everything they stand for, including that godawful rap music.
What happened next?
I may or may not have quoted a Trick Daddy song to ol Jack Ray. They say the foam that came out of his mouth killed most of the rats in the house.

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
You know you're going to have to talk with the Senator, right?
Why? So I can dredge up his past?
That, plus the fact that you're going to have to remind him that you were once the Grand Wizard.
Again, why should I do this?
Because you still owe rent money from the months you didn't pay while you were off being Mr. Race Hatred.
Why you gotta be bringing up old stuff?

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
Fine, asshole, you win, I'll call Jack Ray tomorrow.
leastways, that's what you think.
(Down the hall:) Actually, that's what I know, otherwise you'll be sleeping in a hostel in Overtown next to a guy named Chuey.
Wait, how the hell can he hear my thoughts?

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
Hello, Jack Ray? This is John Binford. Long time no talk.
Hello, John.
Listen, there's something I need...
Wait, I just looked at my caller ID.
Jack, I can explain.
Sure, please, by all means, explain the total betrayal of the pure white race.

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
Jack, you knew from the very beginning I didn't share those views.
Then how'd you become the Grand Wizard?
Jack, you have noticed that they HIRED people for that job? I made 250,000 a year after taxes.
Son of a...
Look, I know it comes as a shock...
Shock? They paid me 130,000! Sons of bitches wouldn't even give me health care! I had to buy that shit the black guy's been pushing! Every redneck in Florida was ashamed of me!

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
He'll do it. He's giving me a loan of 10,000.
Wait, you only owe 1500, and you have the money.
I know, I know, but there's a charity I have to donate to.
Really? That's cool. What's the charity?
I just told you. Charity.
You're kind of a fucking idiot, John.

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
I'm serious, John. You're not going to Vegas to blow this money on strippers.
I don't see why I shouldn't.
It's my money, I'll use it when I need it.
But it isn't really your money.
Suppose I bought you a hooker while we were in Vegas. Would that be enough to shut you up?
Actually, yes, it would.

 

by Twanzilla
4-05-14
Flight 669, leaving for Las Vegas.
Welp, it's time for the trip.
Yeah. It'll be fun. I'll get to see Chynna
Chynna?
Yeah. My ex-girlfriend.
Back up a second. Why have we never heard of her?
Because Its funnier when I'm a loser.

 

by Twanzilla
5-04-17
A lot has happened in the time since I last saw you guys.
We're all still together.
And I'm still more boring than a pneumatic drill. Though boring with a purpose! Intense mockery of my failures!

Showing page 3.

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