All comics by UnknownEric

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by UnknownEric
1-09-03
El matador con un gato!
Taco Supreme!
Uhh, are you sure you took 8 years of Spanish?
Chupa mi rabo!
Hey!

 

by UnknownEric
1-09-03
Would you like to choke my chicken?
Go away, you creep!
Would you like to choke my chicken?
I'm telling my mommy!
Welp, looks like you're safe for today.
Bawk!

 

by UnknownEric
1-21-03
Something is definitely different around here.
I don't know what it is, but something isn't like it was before.
RAAR! TIME FOR UNCONSENSHUL CORNHOLING, YOU FUKING BICH OF A HOAR!
Perhaps I am dieing.

 

by UnknownEric
1-21-03
You're in!
You're out!
Ha ha! You're out!
Oh yeah! Well, at least I'm not "urine!"

 

by UnknownEric
1-21-03
RAAARRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
No you won't.
YES! I am TOBOR, the cornholing robot!
No. You're Richard Simmons wrapped in red tinfoil.
Another plan foiled...

 

by UnknownEric
1-21-03
Hi, I'm musician and provocateur Momus. I've been sent here on a mission to destroy the Emo Pirate.
Of course, to defeat the Emo Pirate, I've had to take on the personality of the Emo Pirate. Learn what makes him tick. Become his pervert doppleganger.
I've also had to listen to more Vagrant releases than should be allowable by law...

 

by UnknownEric
1-21-03
While here, I've taken it upon myself to coach some of the recurring characters on new ways of provoking outrage.
For example, Tobor. His "cornholing" routine has become... well... passe. So try his new dialogue on for size.
RAAR! TOBOR WILL PONTIFICATE ON THE CULTURAL MEANING OF MONKEYS MASTURBATING!
I also spoke with the cowboys about their "physics," to great effect, I think.
So I says, "That art installation isn't going to generate outrage by itself!"

 

by UnknownEric
1-21-03
I believe I have tracked down the current location of the Emo Pirate. This should be quick.
Emo Pirate, the break-up of the Promise Ring has caused your house to burn down!
Oh, my precious hoodie and hornrims!
That should keep him occupied for the foreseeable future.

 

by UnknownEric
1-23-03
Alright! Tonight I'm gonna burn the mothafuckin' house DOWN!
Wait, come back! I didn't mean it LITERALLY!

 

by UnknownEric
1-23-03
I saw this great band last night. They REALLY knew how to rock!
Cool. Unfortunately, the band I saw had NO IDEA how to rock.
Really?
Yeah, they just stood there staring at their instruments in bewilderment.
Bummer.
Yeah. I guess when they say "there's only one way to rock," they're right.

 

by UnknownEric
1-24-03
Part One in a series of Condensed Film Classics of the 20th Century
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
You're beautiful.
Corn nuts!
What if it was like... a suicide thing?
Eskimo.

 

by UnknownEric
1-25-03
When I took this job, nobody said ANYTHING to me about having to be a pink donkey wrangler.

 

by UnknownEric
1-25-03
Eric put a lot of thought into this comic.
Yes, choosing just the right characters and perfect background.
He's also hung like a horse.
Seriously.

 

by UnknownEric
1-27-03
My anus is bleeding.
Oh my God! You're sick!
My anus is bleeding.
I have mace! Don't make me use it!
Are you sure "anus" is another word for the pinky finger.
Hey, just cause nobody wants to give you a Band-Aid, don't blame it on me.

 

by UnknownEric
1-29-03
Scarlet Chase loved all three of the Niss Brothers; Peter, Steven and Duncan, and was distraught when they went to fight in the Civil War.
When the Union Army invaded Richmond, the Nisses fought valiantly right outside Scarlet's front door.
And when Peter was shot, Scarlet was heard to shout, "My! A Niss is bleeding!"

 

by UnknownEric
1-29-03
My name is Ted. And one day, I'll be dead, yo yo yo!
It's not like me... to pretend... but I'll get you... I'll get you in the end! RAAAR!
wehn a man loevs a wo-maaaannnn

 

by UnknownEric
1-29-03
Katherine Glisten presents "Exploding Passions."
The story of Gwendolyn Langner and her forbidden affair with Scottish commoner Duncan MacWanka.
Can their forbidden love survive disapproving parents, the eyes of a nation, and his recurring bouts of explosive diarrhea?

 

by UnknownEric
1-30-03
Have you noticed that Eric has been using us less and less lately in his strips?
Yes, I've noticed that about halfway through his ouevre, we stop being the main characters in his series.
At about the same time that his humour in these strips takes a sudden turn to the toilet. Maybe he thinks we're not suited for more vulgar jokes.
What can we do about it?
Fucked if I know, bitch.
Suck it.

 

by UnknownEric
2-03-03

 

by UnknownEric
2-03-03
What ya gonna do when you get outta jail?
I'm gonna have some fun!
What do you consider fun?
Well, rape and murder mostly.

 

by UnknownEric
2-05-03
Snoop, how has giving up the chronic affected your music?
I usedta fizzle the shizzle to the nizzle, now I nizzle the kadizzle, knamean?
Riiiight. Well, what made you give up marijuana in the first place?
The wizzle nizzle shazizzle.
You've lost your fucking mind, haven't you?
Fizzle quizzle.

 

by UnknownEric
2-10-03
Okay, Lou, time to record your new album. We're counting on you here at RCA.
Oh God... I'm... I'm just too drunk to record right now.
But Lou, Sally Can't Dance is starting to drop off the charts. We need fresh product!
Can't you get somebody else to, like, fill in for me?
And thus, Metal Machine Music was born.
RAAAAAR!!!

 

by UnknownEric
2-16-03
So I says, "This stapler ain't gonna generate gravitons by itself!"
RAAAARR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOUR STAPLER!!!
Time for unconsenshul stapleing, you fuking bich of a hoar!
Aaah! I am stapleing!
Staple, staple, fie dollah!
Me staple you long time!

 

by UnknownEric
2-18-03
Wow, any wish I want?
Yep. Absolutely anything.
I wish I was unavoidable. You know, I wish I was something people saw every single day.

 

by UnknownEric
2-24-03
So you're saying that modern rap doesn't adhere to the political bent sent down by revolutionaries such as Chuck D?
Exactly. PE espoused the empowerment of African-Americans by refusing to support the white, capitalist system.
Oh, I get it. While the current rappers are all about money and bling-bling and buying into the whole capitalist ideal.
Yep. There's a world of difference between "Fight The Power" or "The Message" and "Big Pimpin'."
I think the world is ready for Squirr-L and my new album "Poppin' a Cap in Enron's Ass."
The world will never be ready for Squirr-L.

 

by UnknownEric
2-24-03
Stinky, what do you think about legalizing slot machines to raise revenues for a state?
I think it's a lot like selling your soul to Satan for a sugar cookie.
Interesting.
Okay, I gotta ask... how is it like selling your soul for a cookie?
Sure, the cookie will taste good, but pretty soon, you'll be hungry again AND your soul belongs to Satan.

 

by UnknownEric
2-24-03
... so you're the big bad at the end of the series?
Hey, we told people to expect the unexpected.

 

by UnknownEric
2-28-03
What's this? A robot in a clearly marked "no robots" zone?
But I can explain. I'm not a robot! I'm Kilroy!
Kilroy?
Kilroy!
Kilroy?
Kilroy.

 

by UnknownEric
3-09-03
European.
I am most certainly NOT peein'.
No, you don't under...
No, YOU don't understand. I am absolutely appaled by your insinuation that I am currently urinating in my pants.
Fine. Do your own damn crossword puzzle.
I would certainly never do such a thing as that!

 

by UnknownEric
3-11-03
We'll return you to your movie of the week in just a second.
But first, do you miss the great music of the 80s?
Oh God, yes! Yes! I get wet just THINKING about it.
Then why don't you slip this in?
Huge, Throbbing Hits of the 80s? Wow, who's on it?
Mostly Samantha Fox, actually.

 

by UnknownEric
3-14-03

 

by UnknownEric
3-17-03
Colt 45: Works every time.

 

by UnknownEric
3-18-03
Have you ever had a man give you a Library of Congress subject heading before?
I'd love to search your database.
Who's your Dewey?

 

by UnknownEric
3-18-03
Since all previous calls for Saddam to leave power have failed, I'd like to take this opportunity to make a new proposal.
Pinochle.
Yeah, c'mon bitch. You know you can't take me...

 

by UnknownEric
3-21-03
After much thought, I decided that it would be near impossible to recreate the spiritual discussions that mark the Zooey portion of Salinger's collection in a 3-panel comic.
Hi Franny. It's Buddy.
But I did it anyway.
You're not Buddy, you're Mengigo.
Damn, you're smart.

 

by UnknownEric
3-21-03
Hello. Oedipa Maas speaking.
Hello, Ms. Maas, you must come to San Narcizo to execute the will of Pierce Inverarity.
Oh my God, there's a huge conspiracy involving an alternate postal service!
Holy shit!
The end.
What the fuck just happened?
I'm not sure, but it was funny, nonetheless.

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-03
*Sigh* I talked to the little red-haired girl today. She said she would never consider sexual pleasure with me in any way...
Bummer, Charlie.
But you on the other hand...
BOOTY CALL!

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-03
*Sigh* Right now, my friend and confidant, Linus, is screwing the one woman I love in this miserable world.
I realize that sex alone cannot bring pure happiness, but one moment of passion with her could at least make life seem worth living...
Guess I'll go upstairs and masturbate.
Damn! And here I thought all those positions in the Kama Sutra could NEVER be replicated in real life!

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-03
Oh. Hi Lucy. Say... is the "doctor" in?
You got the cash, I got the stash... of psychiatric help, that is. Hit me with it, Chuck.
Your brother just did the horizontal tango with the little red-haired girl.
Wow! What a pimp!
*sigh*
Clearly, I raised him well!

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-03
Seriously though, Lucy, am I doomed to an eternity of loneliness? Will I ever find even a fleeting moment of pleasure?
Respectively yes and no.
*sigh* I wonder if Peppermint Patty puts out?
Uhh, Chuck? Have you ever noticed the rainbow flag sticker on her bike? And her choices in footwear?
Should've known she plays for the other team...
Not to mention all those blatant make-out sessions with Marcy underneath the bleachers...

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-03
So. I see you've returned... seeking forgiveness.
No. I just wanted to know if we could borrow your trampoline.
Forgiveness is not something I give lightly, my friend. You have crossed the line of decent behavior. You have destroyed my will to live and still you seek forgiveness?
Nay, forgiveness is not something you shall receive. For you have broken our bond of brotherhood, and this will not... nay, CAN NOT be forgiven.
So, it's no on the trampoline then, huh?

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-03
Wait, Chuck, before you go, there's something I should tell you.
*sigh* Go ahead.
I was just fuckin' with ya. I didn't sleep with the little red-haired girl.
Truly? Honestly?
Nah. I hit it!
*sigh*

 

by UnknownEric
3-26-03
Hey, Charlie.
Hmm? Oh. Hi, Franklin.
Look, I heard about what happened with Linus and your little red-haired girl. So I found you a new little red-haired girl to worship.
Really? Where is she?
Fuck you.

 

by UnknownEric
3-26-03
I'm gonna start a new magazine. All about things you carry milk, water, and other liquids in.
Wow, that's a large untapped market there.
Sure is! I hope to appeal to everybody who has ever used something to carry fluid.
Excellent. What are you going to call it?
Somehow, this wasn't what I expected when I subscribed to Jugs.

 

by UnknownEric
3-29-03
Have I told you about the new combination French/Central American restaurant I'm opening?
No. What's it called?
Chez Guevara.
Chez Gue... oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Seriously! Our slogan is "It's a dining revolution."
*sigh*

 

by UnknownEric
3-29-03
So whaddaya think?
When are you opening the sister restaurant?
Sister restaurant?
Yeah. Fidel Bistro.
HOLY SHIT! That's the best idea I've heard yet!
*sigh*

 

by UnknownEric
3-31-03
Alright, Boston! Is everybody here ready to rock?
Is anybody here?

 

by UnknownEric
4-01-03
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my brother. Prepare to be eaten.
You're a dolphin.
Yeah. So?
Dolphins don't eat people.
It's a fair cop.

 

by UnknownEric
4-11-03
Every boy and girl will want their own Stripcreator Plushes!
Goddamn, I fucking want one.
Me too, for fuck's sake!
Collect them all! fuck... Wirthling...
... and the ultra-popular Talking Tobor (TM)
RAAAR!

 

by UnknownEric
4-14-03
Amaze your friends with the official Stripcreator Phone
So I says, "Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Featuring all of your favorite catchphrases from the world of Stripcreator!
wehn a man loevs a woman he nales the fuckin bitch
aaah! i am dieing!
Get one today or be a complete lame-ass loser nobody wants to talk to!
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Oooooohhhhh...

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