All comics by friendy

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by friendy
12-16-13
Scott... I have no words ... You are killing me! Is that what you want?! My death?!
Yes.
Oh, please, stop crying. I'm not singling you out, I want everyone's death.
In fact, there are many people whose death I want much more than yours.

 

by friendy
12-17-13
Look, Scott, we'll meet this deadline! I'll do my best! I'll work nights, I don't mind, really, and no, you don't have to pay me more.
I already have a vision of how to do it quicker, yes, there'll be a little more bugs but that's a beta anyway. We'll make it!
You don't understand, we are going to miss the deadline because I want to piss off the client.

 

by friendy
12-19-13
I know that you, guys, are losing your sleep over what to get me for Christmas and out of the kindness of my heart I decided to help.
I know you are too poor to buy me a car for disabled, but guess what?You can rent it for some period of time you can afford.
I also know that you are losing your sleep over what you'll get for Christmas from me. And the answer is: you won't. Sleep well!

 

by friendy
12-28-13
Scott... May I decorate your office for Christmas?
Only with the heads of my enemies.
I'm afraid there's not enough space.

 

by friendy
1-03-14
So, guys, care to share your new year resolutions? Besides killing Scott, of course.
I think this one is enough.
I, for one, don't hold grudges against Scott. Mine is to work more.
Did I miss something? The Earth changed its orbit and a day has 25 hours in it now?
I'm still deliberating between destroying the World and replacing my employees with the better ones.

 

by friendy
1-21-14
My hippy friends are opening a DIY restaurant! This is a really great concept, there’ll be no waiters, no bartenders, no cashiers …
...no food

 

by friendy
4-03-14
Scott, I'm pregnant!
And fired.
Actually, this was my April Fools' day prank...
So was mine.
So that means I'm not fired...?
That means you are.

 

by friendy
4-19-14
Look at the portrait above my desk. Do you know who this is?
Some famous programmer, I guess?
Surprisingly, you are almost right. That's marquis de Sade. I hope it answers your question why you'll be working overtime for the next few days.
I didn't know he was also a programmer. What language did he program in?
Body language.

 

by friendy
6-11-14
Scott, we decided that if you don’t hire Jill back we all are gonna quit!
Congratulations, you just won the first place in the lamest blackmail ever contest. Risking your jobs for working in the office with a hippie and thinking this is a threat to me?!

 

by friendy
6-23-14
You came into the wrong building, the nursing home is two blocks away.
But I am Tom's grandmother. He works here as a game tester.
Oh, you are totally welcome then, it's so productive when my employees are visited by their relatives during worktime, we even rent a meeting room exactly for this purpose!
But ... I'm not visiting, I'm replacing.

 

Mom, if I had consentual sex with a grown-up woman would it still be considered child abuse?
it would be considered adult abuse.
by friendy, 10-12-14

 

Scott and his racist friend Jack are in a sushi restaurant.
Wow, that's amazing! They didn't offer us any chopsticks. Like they know we prefer eating sushi with fingers!
♩You don't remember them, but they remember you, here not so long ago you broke each stick in two♩ ... over the waiter's head.
by friendy, 2-06-15

 

by friendy
6-18-15
Scott and Jack are in Jack's car, driving in NYC
Scott... make fun of my driving once again and I’ll drop you at the nearest bus stop.
If you reach it safely.

 

:'( It looks like I can't do it... :'( I am a bad programmer :'(
Don't flatter yourself. I am a bad programmer. You are an awful programmer.
by friendy, 7-14-15

 

by friendy
7-28-15
Wow, Scott, you got yourself a pet! Hello, little birdy!
Keeping animals as pets is one of the stupidest things people do. It’s a robobird I made. It can do anything a real bird does, even shit. Only it shits chocolate.
Wow! Let me… Eew, it doesn’t taste like chocolate! SCOTT!!!

 

by friendy
8-30-15
At a new fast food restaurant
7 napkins? Do you know how many trees have to be cut for that? But of course who cares about that, right? 2 napkins for a customer is quite enough.
Sorry, sir...
Two days later
2 napkins? For 2 of my fingers? Yeah, the rest of my hand can stay greasy, right? Or did you think because I'm a cripple a bunch of my fingers is missing too?
Sorry, sir... But just two days ago you said ...
A few days later
How many napkins would you like, sir?
Hm... a fast food employee who doesn't know how many napkins is right for a customer. That's what I call a proffesional!

 

by friendy
9-12-15
I was wondering, what's everyone's second language. I don't speak any besides English unfortunately. Angie, yours is C++, right?
Oh no, it's probably my seventh or something like that. My second was Visual Basic.
Mine is dog language because I understand my dog much more than I understand some people. Ok, ok, it's Spanish actually.
I know Claire's is also Spanish. And Jill told me once she spoke Esperanto, Spanish, French and German. Poor Jill, I miss her.
As for Scott, I'm pretty sure his second language is sarcasm
Wrong, Tom, that's his first!

 

by friendy
9-16-15
Angie …, come on, it’s not worth crying over Scott’s insults. Besides, compared to previous times this one was a compliment.
Then :’( think of these :’( as tears of happiness :’(

 

by friendy
10-06-15
Scott, it just occurred to me, you're 13, how come you don't have a girlfriend?
Well, when you find a teenage girl who looks like Pamela Anderson in her thirties, wants sex only relationship and is attracted to cripples, give me a call.
Until then I'm sticking with my Pamela Anderson sex doll.

 

by friendy
12-15-15
Scott, I think it’s time for you to learn how to take care of someone, to be responsible for someone. So how about getting a pet? Which one would you prefer?
A crocodile. I hope it eats all of our guests.
But we hardly have any guests.
Well, there’s always room for a change.

 

by friendy
12-15-15
A parrot is also not a bad option. Just to think of all the insults I can teach him!
No, I'm not tolerating two sociopaths in my apartment!
Ok, I'll teach him everything and move out.

 

by friendy
12-21-15
Hello, Mr Edmonton, this is Laura from Know-It-All club. We'd like to thank you for yesterday's lecture on torture devices! It was brilliant! And we'd be very happy if you could repeat it next week.
If you pay twice as much. And you'll have to wait more than a week.
Ok, when then?
When my assistant gets out of hospital.

 

by friendy
12-26-15
This is Helen, Jack's girlfriend.
Scott, you fucking piece of shit! Jack is in hospital thx to you and you don't give a fuck! And how many times did you visit him? Zero! Fuckin' zero!
Well, zero is my favorite number.
Ha! And what if your favorite number was much greater, say, 100?
Then I'd use some other lame excuse.

 

by friendy
12-26-15
By the way, he called me recently and he doesn't seem to be suffering much. All he talked about was cute nurses.
You two deserve each other - a cold sadistic smartass and a shameless skirt chasing moron! Just you wait, Jack! You'll stay in that hospital forever! *slam*
*lighting up a cigar and taking a smoke* And so the hurricane Helen from Hell changed her direction. Oh, people - sheeple, how easy it is to manipulate you.

 

by friendy
1-06-16
Scott, you left the light on in the bathroom again! How come at work you are all about saving energy and at home you couldn't care less?
That’s pretty simple. At work we spend my company's money, while at home it's just your money.
Ok, I request that from now on my home bills be paid by my employer. Or someone’s next important contract will be left without the legal guardian’s signature.
Well, well, I can see your blackmailing skills have grown.
I had a good teacher.

 

Do you know Nina’s Deli not far from here? Yesterday I bought Nina’s burger, Nina’s hot dog and Nina’s smoothie there and now all I want to do is to kick Nina’s ass.
She and mom are sort of friends. She is Brazilian so I thought she might have some good Brazilian coffee and I was just one word from being right. She has awful Brazilian coffee.
by friendy, 1-06-16

 

by friendy
1-25-16
At psychiatric research center
I'm done with the test. Dr. Kidman, aren't you tired of asking me the same 60 questions every month and getting the same answers?
Well, we can't miss the moment when you become a serial killer, can we?
Well, well, Dr. Kidman, thanks for the tip.
Er..., now I can't tell if you are joking or not.
You have a month to find out. Have a nice day!

 

by friendy
2-09-16
Scott, Jack and Helen are at a rock concert.
Their lead guitarist sucks. I play way better. Yet, they have real concerts while my band has to play at cheap restaurants. That’s not fair!
Get out of here, a woman can’t be a better guitar player than a man!
Then how come she is one and you are not?
Umm, sorry, I have to go to the bathroom ...
How can one be so sexist!
Sexism comes in one package with racism. You were ok dating a racist, weren’t you?

 

by friendy
6-06-16
Helen, look at my new motobike! Cool, isn't it? A gift from my old buddy Fred!
Wow, your friend must be very rich if he can afford such gifts. What does he do for a living?
He steals bikes.

 

by friendy
3-04-22
Пора бы нам погасить этот костер, Серега!
И как мы это сделаем?
Разведем вокруг него ещё несколько костров.

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