All comics by habnem

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by habnem
7-28-03
Look at you. You're so fat, you big fat Fatty McFatterton.
You should really lose some weight, fatass. I want to throw up just looking at you.
Oh, crap. I feel a breeze coming. Could you stand behind me?
Sure--right after you go fuck yourself.

 

by habnem
7-28-03
Woo hoo! I just found out that my eBay feedback has reached 100!
Wow! That's great!
How much money would you say you've lost in that time, selling things for a fraction of what you bought them for?
What have you done lately that's so spectacular?
Touche.

 

by habnem
7-30-03
Hey! Who do I have to blow to get a birth certificate around here?

 

by habnem
7-30-03
Hey man--did you listen to my CD?
Yeah. It was the shit!
Really? I thought my examination of the meaning of existence as viewed through a metaphor of '80s cartoons might be a bit much for people to handle.
I'm sorry. Did I say "the" shit?

 

by habnem
8-01-03
Oh, fuck.
Listen_to_me_and_listen_carefully. You have just died, and are about to be reincarnated. It could happen at any moment, so I have to be quick, and tell you the meaning of life. The meaning of life
Oh, fuck.

 

by habnem
8-01-03
I don't understand.
The point, my fellow Americans, is not that I lied to you about Saddam's plans for mass destruction, but that you_can_and_must_trust_me as I attempt to disarm the rest of the world's evil regimes.
I don't understand.

 

by habnem
8-08-03
So, here we are... about to fight.
Yup.
Wouldn't it be nice if we had a wrestling ring background or something?
Quit stalling. You're goin' down.

 

by habnem
8-08-03
What makes you think you can beat me and my fabulous goatee?
Oh, come on. Your name is Jason, for God's sake.
I know a lot of people named Jason, and all of them are wusses.
I'll bet Jason Giambi could kick your ass.
What would he do, hit me with a bat? I'm freaking noncorporeal!

 

by habnem
8-08-03
Jason from the Argo?
Too much hubris.
Jason from Friday the 13th?
Too many sequels.
Jason Priestley?
Please. He couldn't even win a fight with the Kentucky Speedway.

 

by habnem
8-08-03
A-ha! My stall tactics have given me enough time to summon my tag team partner.
Tag team partner? We aren't supposed to have those!
Hi. I'm Ernie Hudson, but you may remember me as Winston Zeddemore from "Ghostbusters."
NOOOO!!! Damn you, Descolada!!!
Heh heh. Did you really think a guy who's always holding a beer wouldn't have seen that movie?
ah! i am dieing

 

by habnem
8-11-03
Hey, I was at the bar and I met this girl with a tight end. I figured I'd warm her up with a flea flicker, then get that backfield in motion...
You know, pull an end-around, give her the ol' long snap and turn her into a wide receiver. I couldn't, though.
Why not?
She was in the red zone.

 

by habnem
8-12-03
Heidegger. I asHume you aren't just Milling about? If you're bored, I could get some Plato, or you could go Schopen. hauer your kids?
My name's not Degger, and I don't have any kids. Can you get us out of here?
Hobbes some humor, man, and don't put Descartes before the horse. What the Hegel, let's just shoot de Beauvoir. It'll be Nietzsche.
Clearly, the low temperature is going to your brain. Stop talking; you'll waste your energy.
I Kant. Now, if someone were trying to kill you, would you rather make picard or Kierkegaard?
Of all the people to get stuck in a meat locker with, I had to get Ken fucking Kaufman.

 

by habnem
8-12-03
Okay, I'll bite. What are you thinking about?
Remember when Brandi Chastain took her jersey off but not her bra? What a Socrates.
Embrace me, sweet death.

 

by habnem
8-14-03
Turn around, young man.
Leave me alone, ma. I'm going to my room.
You'll turn around, you'll show me what you've done, and you'll take the consequences.
*sigh* fine.
Oh my God! I know they call it body art, but I'm sorry, that's just sick.

 

by habnem
8-14-03
Common sense prevailed next year, as the Sound Effect family decided to have their reunion in the daytime.
Will you assholes keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep.

 

by habnem
8-14-03
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be your professor for this class.
Jesus. I figured "Intro to Nihilism" would be an easy A.

 

by habnem
8-14-03
Today I saw a semi trailer that said "Indiana Concession Supply."
Can there really be that much demand for white flags?

 

by habnem
8-14-03
Congratulations on your election, Mr. President!
Thank you, but you know me-- I'm an upwardly mobile phone.

 
Did I fart?

 

by habnem
8-18-03
Welcome to McDonalds. Try our Filet McMignon!
This "New Taste" shit's gone way too far.

 

by habnem
8-19-03
. greetings . human . i . am . defenestron . 4000 . prepare . to . die .
Hmm... do I have a choice in the matter?
. no . i . am . specifically . engineered . to . kill . humans .
Only by defenestration, or do you have other modi operandi?
. stop . stalling . my . friend . ghost . got . killed . that . way .
Fine, but before you kill me, don't you want to know what's in the bag?

 

by habnem
8-19-03
. curiosity . is . my . one . weakness . what's . in . the . bag .
Nothing, sucker!
. stupid . human . thinks . he . can . outrun . me .
AAAAARGH!
. asshole . you . tripped . over . my . cord .. and ... unplugged .... it .....
And I found a robot disassembly kit, too. I'd call that Deus Ex Machineshop... if I were that clever, anyway.

 

by habnem
8-20-03
Little known fact:
The Apostles were all immortal,
and every year, faithfully,

 

by habnem
8-20-03
they reconvene at the same
little restaurant in Jerusalem.
That bastard's gonna stand us up again, isn't he?
Cool it, Thomas.

 

by habnem
8-25-03
I know it's your special day,
So I got this card to say:
Happy Birthday, Grandpa!
What? Mom only made me promise not to use the word "inheritance."

 

by habnem
9-06-03
So, it's our turn to fight to the death in the SC Battle Royal.
Yeah. I've been thinking about it, and I wanna shoot you for it.
Shoot me for it?! That's not fair!
That's not what I meant, feeble-minded one. I want to engage you in the sport of kings...
We're gonna horse race for it?
No, idiot. Paper-rock-scissors.

 

by habnem
9-06-03
All right. I'm ready when you are.
Away we go, then.
1... 2... 3... PAPER!
1... 2... 3... PAPER!
1... 2... 3... SCISSORS!
1... 2... 3... SCISSORS!

 

by habnem
9-06-03
Damn!
Again!
1... 2... 3... ROCK!
1... 2... 3... SCISSORS!
Ah ha! I am teh winner!
Drat. It would appear I have lost.

 

by habnem
9-06-03
It would, indeed, appear that you have lost. Now give me the gun so I can finish you off with dignity.
I can't do that.
You rogue! Scoundrel! Give me the gun!
No, I'm not trying to weasel out. It's just the way we're drawn. I have a gun; you don't. Sucks being you.
Ah. I was afraid you would resist. I guess I'll have to call in my cousin.
Cousin? This doesn't sound good.

 

by habnem
9-06-03
Raaaaaaa-ha-haaaarr! Me Eddie the Killer Squirrel! Me dimwitted, but me have axe?
An axe? Tell me you're kidding. *BANG!!!*
Haaaaar. Now me dimwitted and dead.
Rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper... Uzi beats hatchet.

 

by habnem
9-06-03
Ahh, but the little one did beat me, fair and square. I guess I must do the honorable thing. Goodbye, beautiful forest!
*BANG!!!*
Such senseless violence. It really puts things in perspective. Maybe I should strive to be a better person. Or am I even a person? Oh well--better get some more nuts so I can be strong for Round 2!
Sometimes I like to eat paper!

 

by habnem
9-06-03
Hey, folks! I just flew in from Muncie, and boy are my... aww, fuck it.
Hey there, Equelston. I hear you have a sore throat. Are you feeling okay?
All right. I think I'm losing my voice, though.
Ah ha! So would you say you're getting... heh heh... would you say you're getting--
If you finish that sentence, I will end you, you hear me? I will fucking end you.

 

by habnem
9-12-03
My fellow Americans, it has been two years now since "our nation saw evil," and in that time, we have dismantled two nations' governments.
Assuming a constant rate, and that the Dems stick to their strategy of running no one in 2004, by the end of my administration, 7 nations will be under new management.
I would attempt to explain how this will keep America safe from terrorism, but fortunately, you guys never ask me.
Just keep buying Halliburton, kids!

 

by habnem
9-22-03
I really enjoy listening to Molly Hatchet.
I prefer Brooks & Dunn.
Goooo Matt Kenseth!!
What do you mean Matt Kenseth? Rusty Wallace is way better.
Did you guys see Triple H's last match?
God, when did you all become such animal crackers?

 

by habnem
9-23-03
Giles, in the zone...
Yes, I'm kicking all your asses. Bow down you biatches!
Vikaden is the winner
I knew that skipping work this week and playing 96 hours straight would help!!!
HEADSHOT!
Yes! I've done it! I've beaten everyone in the world and attained Quake III Arena nirvana! And for some reason, now I can see into John Carmack's bathroom.
Your handle is misspelled, you idiot. Could you throw me some toilet paper?

 

by habnem
9-24-03
what appears to be the problem officer?
you were doing 90mph in a 40 zone, I'm gonna need to take your name sir.
my name? Why, I'm Saint Nicholas don't you know? good-old Chris Cringle? Santa_Claus?
very amusing sir, if you'd like to just get into the back of the car, we can sort this out down at the station.
By "sort this out," you mean "stuff me like a festive Christmas pinata," don't you?
Naturally.

 

by habnem
9-24-03
uNnAmED sitzt auf einer bank und denkt sich nichs böses als ...
hey *narfnarf* ich bin man@work *narfnarf* das sprechende eichhörnchen *narfnarf*
You know, I've just had a moment of amazing lucidity. I've discovered that the meaning of life is to live--
--ethically whilst forming one's own viable philosophy, then pass it along to the next generation? I figured that out years ago. Let's talk about something else.
das MÃœSSEN einfach wahnvorstellungen sein ...
hallo ? *narfnarf* uNnAmED ? *narfnarf*

 

by habnem
9-24-03
Clango fulfills his community service sentence by teaching the elderly colloquial dances.
Now that you've finally mastered the hokey-pokey, we can move on to the Macarena.
Like this?
Wrong hand.
Oh.
You got it.
I am so happy...

 

by habnem
9-24-03
I can't believe Finkelman is dead.
I know. It's such a shock.
Did you know him?
No.
Me either. So what exactly are we doing here?
We can't hang out at your house because your mom caught us taking pictures of her while she was asleep.

 

by habnem
12-10-03
Oh, the weather outside is frightful... but the fire is so delightful... and since we've no place to go...
What--are you trying to curry my favor?
Actually, I'm trying to lull you into overconfidence.
Overconfidence? I'm not planning to win this fight; I don't even have arms!
Good point.

 

by habnem
12-10-03
Guess I'll dispense with you now.
All righty, but first I have a fun trivia fact for you.
Trivia? I love trivia!!!
Did you know Santa's reindeer are carnivorous?
I thought they ate fairy dust... Aww, fuck it. I'll just die now.

 

by habnem
12-13-03
Ahh, Mr. Christo. Long have I admired you. To think that you would die for the sins of your people.
And how fitting that now you'll have the chance to do it again.
Daddy!
Not even God can help you now. Shall we start with some probing?
How original.

 

by habnem
12-13-03
What the devil?
I raised two dead people, myself excluded, and turned water into wine...
Ow! I got a splinter in my ass!
Did you really think I couldn't turn the lights out on a spaceship?
I'm bleeding internally, and sadly, I feel as though my bloodshed will be for naught.
Indeed. Boy, I'm sure glad I took that Cross-Bo class.

 

by habnem
12-17-03
In other news, today the United States government proved...
...that by deploying hundreds of thousands of troops and spending hundreds of billions of dollars...
...they can find a 66-year-old man hiding in a cave.
They should have shopped around. I would have done it for fifty bucks.

 

by habnem
1-10-04
Bachelor 1 seemed a little too into himself, and Bachelor 2 might be a bit too tame.
But Bachelor 3 seemed loving and compassionate. I choose him for my date.
AHA! It is me, Jesus!

 

by habnem
1-10-04
Look! Up there!
Up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
AHA! It is me, Jesus!

 

by habnem
1-10-04
Well, class, today we'll be learning about Celine Dion. But first, we have a newcomer. Would you like to introduce yourself?
AHA! It is me, Jesus!

 

by habnem
1-15-04
Nothing to be done.
I'm coming round to that opinion. All my life I've tried to put it from me--"be reasonable, you haven't tried everything."
Whoa, check it out! A gigantic eclair!
Awesome! Let's go get it!
Mssrs. Vladimir and Estragon? It's me, Godot! And I brought pastries!

 

by habnem
1-15-04

 

by habnem
1-15-04
*spit fireball*
*die*
Thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle!
What? No--I'm just here to deliver a pizza.
Oh yeah? Where is it?
*sigh* I left it in the goddamned car.

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