All comics by kola

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by kola
1-24-07
heyyyyy temptation! temptation! temptation all the wayeeeee!
I'm sorry, my friend. but you don't tempt me any longer.
smoke me! smoke me! dunnadunnadunnadunna smoke meeeeee!
I will not.
Well, I guess you've passed the final test.

 

by kola
1-24-07
what are you doing in my house?
I just came to... check the gas meter!
the gas meter's outside.
oh... i needed to use your bathroom, then!
it's right down the hall.

 

by kola
1-30-07
Did you see what all happened here?
Nah, I mean I called 911 because I heard a bunch of screeching.
Like the screeching of squealing tires? And the BOOM! of the crash?
No, I thought I heard these cats screeching and I figured maybe they were making love in public. I don't need that in my neighborhood!
So you called the paramedics? I guess it's lucky you did.
I called them fools to get my brother Jerd out of the dang toilet!

 

by kola
1-30-07
Why you hidin', boy?
Oh, hello!
Don't, "Oh, hello!" me, ya pervert! I saw you looking in on me!
oh, hehheh. That wasn't me! You must have been mistaken.
I promise not to tell anyone all the places you shave.

 

by kola
1-30-07
HAHAHAHAHAHA! YOUR JOURNEY ENDS HERE! HERE IN HELL!!!
well, i'll be dipped!
ALL YOUR SINS HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE! HERE TO THE TORTURE AND ANGUISH!
goodness! like what?
WELL, THIS IS REALLY KIND OF ALL OF IT.

 

by kola
1-30-07
Hey ladies and germs, it's great to be here to-bite!
I just flew in from Philadelphia. What's eating those jerks? Oh yeah- ME!
Seriously, though, thank ya'll for coming out.

 

by kola
1-30-07
Theeee a heee a heeee jersey devil!!
Heeee-a-heee heeee will eat you up!!
Weee-a-eeeee must stick together.... and FIGHT!!

 

by kola
1-30-07
well here we are at the star trek convention!
you mean the white house?
what'd i say?
never mind. anyway, we're going to need picture I.D.
ah, shoot! i forgot mine. which is good, cause i done already killed a man.
was it while i was at the gas station?! DAN!!!

 

by kola
1-30-07
Yuck! Jerry, I thought you gave up smoking!
Well, Blanch broke it off with me.
At least she didn't break off your unit!
yeah...guess so.
so........pity sex?

 

by kola
1-30-07
Well how did I end up here?
you have treaded on sacred ground! your body will be the sacrifice, the only path to forgiveness!
Forgiveness from what? the jungle? gimme a break, kid.
I am quite serious! You dishonor this sacred land!
Well you're standing on the grass too! Aren't you dishonoring the sacred land!
I...no! I... I am allowed here!

 

by kola
1-31-07
Todd, I think you know why I'm here.
It's not my time is it?
It's BEEN your time! And your friends out there too!
Those guys? I ditched them. Those guys are lame.
Well, all the same. It's your time. Come with me.
Could I tempt you to change your mind for a little brain?

 

by kola
1-31-07
And this is our stockroom! That concludes the tour. Any questions?
When is the sexual harrassment seminar?
Ummm, I'm not sure. Why?
Because I want to nibble your bosoms.

 

by kola
1-31-07
Is this my father?
Do you have the correct time?
I think it's five-thirty...dad?
Wha?!
I mean... five fifteen.
Phew! I thought I was late for the post apocalyptic looting!

 

by kola
1-31-07
Tim, why so quiet?
It's just... I feel weird.
About what we did?
It's a social stigma! I could never tell anyone.
Well, you were a very considerate lover.
That's just a nice way of saying I was boring!

 

by kola
2-04-07
Hey Pearson, I hear you got promoted!
That's right, Steffon! Now how about that phone number?
I have it written in my car. I'll be right back, sexy!
That sounds... AYEEEEEAAAARGGGHHH!!!
There! Now the real Pearson can shine!

 

by kola
2-05-07
Hey Sydni! I'm having an awesome time at this place!
great.
Sydni, did you do your geometry homework? Because if you didn't, Mr. Barlow is going to be on you!
what are you, his lackey?
No, but I'd love to lackey you tonight. All over!

 

by kola
2-05-07
so you want to buy my barn?
no, i said i wanted to paint your barn.
you paint it, and you become the new legal owner. we've entered into an oral contract. what color, out of curiosity?
god dangit,i'm leaving! i didn't enter into jack! feel free to phone my attorney.
FINISH HIM!
AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by kola
2-06-07
Hello! I'm looking for someone...
You are meeting someone here, madam?
Yes... but I'm not sure what he looks like!
Well it just so happens there is a gentleman here who said he was expecting a blind date.
GODDDAMMMMNNNEEEEYEAAAHH!!!

 

by kola
2-14-07
Excuse me, but my husband and I are trying to sleep. Could you keep it down over here?
AHEEEELLLLLYEEEAHHH NOOO!
Look, we know you love your rock songs, but it's 3am, Derrick!
YEEEAHHH! FIERY NIGHTS! LONDON IN PLIGHT! BURNING BRIYEEEEEET!!!
is that a new one? I like it!
HEEEEEE HEEEELLLLL YEEEEAHHHH!!!!!

 

by kola
2-14-07
OK, son, now you behave yourself here at the morgue. No poking or prodding.
Oh, daddy!
I'm serious, Ken!
OK, OK! Jeez! Just go pick up your briefcase so we can leave here and go meet mom for dinner. I'm hungry!
Hmm. I wonder how one of these corpses might taste?

 

by kola
2-17-07
hey Katylin.
Hey Lara! So what bar were you thinking about hitting?
I haven't hit anyone with a steel bar in years.
Did...did this cause injury?
Oh yeah.
You're not an 'angry drunk', are you?

 

by kola
3-06-07
Vlah hah hah ha! You have entered Hell!
Again?! I thought I could only enter Hell once.
No! This is Hell's Hell. It's much worse than Hell 1.
It doesn't seem worse. It seems milder. Are you Vlad the Impaler?
I'll eat your veins while you scream!!! You will convulse with agony!
Do you have any coffee?

 

by kola
3-12-07
Mr. Catwell! Mr. Catwell! You don't know me. I am sending you a psychic transmission!
Ooh! Is this like the Shining? I love Kubrick!
No, you love giving me money! Give me money!
Well aren't you a darling? I don't have much money, Derrick. I'm sorry.
You...you know my name?
Well of course, silly. I AM you from the future!

 

by kola
3-13-07
Hi! Welcome to Heaven. You must be Lester Quirle.
As a matter of fact I am! What, are you an angel?
I'm Angela. I'll be showing you around.
Wait a minute...what is this place?
OK look. Heaven got full. This is Heaphen. It's a generic version.

 

by kola
5-29-07
oh great. we're in a Citrus Freeze.
Are you a female? You seem like a she-male.
look kid, if we're going to get out of this Citrus Freeze before the sun comes up, I suggest we build a ramp to project from.
I've got a pogo stick!
A pogo stick, even better! Come on, climb on my shoulders!
Ha. I don't have a pogo stick. I want to stay in the Citrus Freeze. And you can go "pogo" jump into a lake.

 

by kola
5-29-07
this seems like a good place to shack up.
Miguel want SEX in mouth!
hmmmm...
Miguel want now!
Will my friends think I'm a slut?
Miguel erection!

 

by kola
5-29-07
Excuse me, but can you direct me back to the North Pole?
Uh yeah, it's North from here, about a jillion miles! huh huh huh!
I see. well, thank you, dear.
Dear? Like reindeer? You want a ride, cowboy?
I'd love a ride to the North Pole, thank you!
I'd like to ride your "North Pole", Santy!

 

by kola
5-30-07
Here we are now, in God's House!
Does your evil skin burn from it?
Now that you mention it, yes. I was trying to ignore that.
You know how close we are to the sun? You'll die soon enough.
God would not do that to me!
God? What are you talking about? I'm Spot van Helsing and this is my garage, fool!

 

by kola
9-19-07
So how much is this inspection going to cost?
Well, I can get you an estimate by Tuesday.
That's not soon enough. The doctors told me I was dying, probably by tomorrow or the next day.
Damn! Man, what are you doing getting your house inspected?
I guess I was just trying to be an optimist. Trying to be a big shot.
You're facing the unknown, my friend. I say that makes you a pretty big shot around here.

 

by kola
9-28-07
So you're famous now, huh?
Now don't start. I got a television ad, that's all.
Can I bum some quarters?
Dadgummit, Chad, no! You still owe me an arcade's night worth from last time!
I guess I should get famous. Then I can rub quarters in my friends' faces too.
I don't sympathize with your manipulative attempts, Chad.

 

by kola
10-15-07
Finally we are free!!!
Free from the constraints of life!
Now to summon Judy!
What? Summon your own wife!
There are no rules in the afterlife about being a 'swinger'
Oh! Then summon your dad, please!

 

by kola
2-10-09
So you interested in a nickel bag?
Er... It's for my son. He has chronic...um...yes, it's for my son
What's your son's name?
K..raig?
That's a real nice name. Wish it was a girl's name. I might could get a fantasy on with that name.
Huh, tell me about it!

 

by kola
2-10-09
Ring Ring!
What in tarnation is that?
Ring! Ring!
I wonder if I ought shoot it?
I'm a phone, you braindead yokel! Answer me!
A talkin' phone... Well I'll be dipped!

 

by kola
2-15-09
Who are you?!
Oh hi! I'm Brogan, your new neighbor. What's your name?
Did Doctor Keppler send you?
Who's that, sweety?
Your cat... I don't trust him. He looks like Doctor Keppler.

 

by kola
2-16-09
Yeeeee-a-yeeeah these ghosts ain't frightenin' meeee!
We have to get inside and get the golden amulet. Then the curse will be lifted!
Go-go-go-go-holllllden Amu-a-le-ee-atttt-
Kirby! Focus! We have to be as quiet and quick as possible.
Follooow me dow-yowwwwn to Ha-ee-elllllllll!!!!
Are you sure you understand what we're supposed to be doing?

 

by kola
7-15-09
Jeffrey, I took you out here to tell you something important.
What is it, grandpa?
Jeffrey, when the Doctor Man tells you about your colon...ya just gotta listen. I didn't listen and now...
Ah, hell no! You got a colon problem?
Yes, dear Jeffrey. And I'll be fitted for a colostomy bag very soon. My quality of life has dropped significantly.
You...you want me to kill you?

 

by kola
7-16-09
Grief! I should have known I'd witness you in the drunken blur.
Look atcha, Graden. No pants, no dignity!
For your info, I was on my way to get laid. It just so happens this last beer took me to drunken blur.
Your dead eyes take years off my life.
Erm...sorry. I think I over-estimated how drunk you actually are.

 

by kola
7-30-09
I dunno, I just feel like she's overrated.
You're insane. Meryl Streep is a genius!
Didn't you see 'Out of Africa'?

 

by kola
8-10-09
We have to make this quick. I just realized I can't have food or drink inside the store
I need new socks. YOU'RE the one who said so.
I completely admit that. I'm just saying, let's get them and get out of here.
No browsing? Do I get ANYTHING out of this venture?
I won't eat your liver while you're still alive screaming.
Well you shouldn't do that either way, Brion!

 

by kola
12-02-10
It was like THIS, see? Donny caught a right and hit that fucking median YAEAOW!
Yes Sir. How old is Mr. Pike?
Maaaan I don't know he like six or ten
So he is pre-adolescent.
MAN I TAUGHT HIM TO SMOKE, BRO!

 

by kola
8-22-11
I like your tits
Thanks!

 

by kola
8-31-11
Mrs. Franks, I think I need a tutor. I really want to pass the exam Friday!
Well I'd be happy to recommend one for you, Doug.
Thanks!
You're welcome!
I could have you killed, you know.

 

by kola
9-07-11
Excuse me, but there's no smoking here.
I talked to the landlord, dude.
Oh really? And he told you it was ok to smoke here?
Yeah, dude. He told me to tell you that he has herpes too!
What?! I mean... why would I care?...I have to go now.

 

by kola
9-07-11
Ok, I will ask Stacey if she wants to go on a date with you.
Sweet! Her tits are like freakin melons, dude!
What about my tits?
Oh, dude they are like melons too!
They are lactating. Would you like some for your coffee?
Damn yeah!

 

by kola
10-25-11
Alright, I think I fixed the Digital Harpoon. Now we can lasso a meteorite.
we'll get off this solid gaseous rock for sure.
Solid and gaseuous are not the same at all. These are just some basics you should know.
things can be more than one thing, man.
Dammit, the Digital Harpoon's gone out again.
i never believed in you. i never believed a damn in you.

 

by kola
10-25-11
Banana Boat, the sunscreen I wanna use toni-ee-ight
I love Banana Boat. But F--k Banana Republic, man.
Yeeeeah Banana Nut Republican!
Banana Skipper Jones. That's what I'd like my name to be.
Sweeeeeet naaaaaame, as a colleaaaaaauge
sweet riff, Kile.

 

by kola
10-25-11
Son do you know why I pulled you over?
Am I being audited?
No.
Did I win a special prize?
That's a little warmer.
Douglas Damn, I'm fit as a kit to get this hopping prize!

 

by kola
10-25-11
There is a reason I am here to see you, Wally the Wonderful.
Fantastic!
Do you know what the reason is, Wally the Wonderful?
Some kind of an 'intimate massage'?
Maybe if we get done early.

 

by kola
10-25-11
I'm aware there is a punk rebellion. How is that going, son?
Look, Dad, you'll never understand me.
Oh, I'm sure that's not true. Your mother and I will always be there to try and understand.
Get the claws out of me, Narc!
Do you need any money?
dad?

 

by kola
10-25-11
HITA! IT'S KRIMBOB! I'M ON THE CARPHONN!
HELLO?
I'M FLYING DOWN THE FREEWAY! I'M MASTURBATING!
OH, DOUGLAS! GET HOME FOR DINNER! OUR FAVORITE SHOWS ARE ON!
I'M GOING TO FIND A WAY TO FLY THIS CAR TO THE MOON!
OH, HUSBAND. YOU ARE SO MASCULINE.

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