All comics by laughinginyourface

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Good Evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
No.

 

Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how the riot started?
Actually, I don't know how it started because I have a disorder in my eyes because they're so big it prohibits me form seeing more than two feet in front of me.........That is correct.
So, you've just been screaming "KILL AMERICANS!" this whole time?

 

Ok, before we go does anyone have a special song you want to sing?
No? Well, we're going to sing Hallejua, Hallejua, Praise the Lord then.
[in really bad voice] o/`Haaaaaaaallejuuuua........o/`

 

Let's go up to cool kids and pretend we're doing heroin!
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

 

 

What can I get you sir?
I've got very special dietary requirements and I'm not really sure if I can eat here.
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
They are related.
We've got beef.
You got beef?

 

Yarr, they said I should see you.
Ah, Yes. Have a seat.
....so I says "Those yos aren't gonna ho ho and a bottle of rum by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
You thought you saw it coming.
You have symptoms of genital herpes, according to your story. Let me perscribe some medicine.

 

It was Evan's birthday yesterday
Oh?
Yeah, but after one slice, my parents hid the cake.
I see.
AHA! It is I, Jesus!

 

You know, when people call me a dickhead....
I sort of wish it was true....
So it would be politically correct to give yourself head.

 

 

Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
Sucki sucki! Fie dolla!

 

There once was a man...
...who lived in a shoe...
...but there wasn't any water...
...or any food...
...so they played the biscu....
Hi guys, I'm a cigarette!

 

One day at the ranch...
...So I says "Those rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Sorry, to interupt Cowboy Physics, but...

 

Shake it baby, yeah, yeah!
Later...
I can "spice things up a bit" for $300, credit card only............Ok, I'll be right back.
Oh, man, this is so sweet! (gives credit card)
One hour later...
Shit, not again!

 

o/`Fo' shizzle shizzle, in da fo'rizzle...o/`
(Satanic music)
What's this?....Word...
(Satanic music)
(Satanic music in the backround)
I got 5 dolla this time.

 

Next time, turn on the lights before we have sex.
I like the ocean. All the crabs...
Sorry, I'm out of Fives.

 

Hi, class.
We are learning numbers today. Can anyone tell me what this number is? (points to number)
This actually has happened.
Um...3?
NO IT IS NOT 3 IT IS (minor accent) 3! WHY DO YOU GUYS ALWAYS ACT UP IN CLASS? DETENTION FOR EVERYONE!

 
C-U-N-T. Cunt.

 

Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Let me put it this way...
I'm hydrophobic.

 

Alright, everyone bring their papers to me.
Here you go.
16.3 seconds later...
GOD! I TRY TO PREPARE YOU FOR TESTS, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GIVE ME? YOU MUST ALL APOLOGIZE FOR THIS!
(Everyone apologizes, but they're not sure what they did.)
Also, Mr. Joyce hits on her everyday.
The bathroom is over (Flexes) that way!

 

I like Mr. Shawley.
Alright gang, here's what we're learning today.
I hate my classmates.
Oh my god, like, Mr. Shawley, Mr. Shawley, Shawley, Shawley, Oh my, like, god Shawley...
David Silvis annoys me.
God, I hate my teachers and everyone sucks, Mr. Shawley is so mean. Like my Nike's Evan? God, I hate you, actually, I'm the only cool person on the planet.

 

Mrs. Porter is pretty nice.
Today, we will be learning algebra.
After she explains it...
...If you need any help, just ask.
GOD, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS! I HATE MY LIFE!
Jack, why don't you take one of your "special walks".

 

Yawn...
AAAllllright guys. Time to do your work on ADjecTives.
Alright, this is easy. (Does work along with everyone else)
All in all, English is gay, and has always been since 2nd grade.
GUUys, this test on ADjecTives is hArd. It gets a lottt harder in 8th grade. Teaching the same things since 2nd grAAde will help you a lottt.

 

Ok, guys time for lots and lots to do, but first I need more coffee.
10 min. later...
Ok, do you guys know what the word "naive" means? I don't think you do.
3 days of explaination on the word naive later...
Alright, time for your 200 point test on the word "naive".

 

Yo, was up?
Stop rapping.
I'm not rappin'!
I'm Harappan!

 

Fooooooooooooooolks, don't pack up yet, its still science time.
Mr. Joyce, I think they're fucking retarded.
Haha. Haha. Haha. Why aren't you guys laughing. You don't have a sense of humor.
Alright, it's the brain power. That'll be tough.
Haha. Haha. Fooooooooolks, don't pack up. HEY, YOU. SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.

 

Mehh...
ahoufdfudafhlafj!!!!!
SUTF UR GAI MO AHA!!!!
iM NOT TAKTING TO U U FAGXZON
i HAVE A BIG PEINIES ^_^ LOL
I HAEV A BUTTT LOLOLLLOOLOL

 

I love you.
I love you too.
I love you.
I lo...shit my mouse is stuck

 

French
If you don't stop tapping, yuor going to be tapping a rythem...in...detention!
omgz
I enjoy listening to reliant K. I hang out with the christian crwod.
fershizzle
OMG ITZ MRSS BOLICK WTF
ben i saw you do that you cant go all sneaky peaky on me

 
My nizzle's Jamall. WU-TANG!

 
The arrows of time pinpoints us all.

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