All comics by russman

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by russman
9-01-09
So I was watching TV tonight and I see this commercial starring the Beatles from the Abbey Road album.
First, I'm like cool. It's the Beatles. Then I realized that somebody sold them out to make money off them.
It made me sad. Why couldn't I own the rights to any dead famous people.

 

by russman
9-02-09
I'm here to see the Big Guy.
I heard you won something.
I'm getting the award for most young souls won at the same time.
What did you come up with.
All I did was suggest to Miley how cool it would be to dance with a pole.
That was you? You're a legend man.

 

by russman
9-03-09
I just found out my old High School sweetheart still remembers me.
I drove by her house a few times yesterday and sure enough there was a knock on my door first thing this morning.
It was the cops reminding me the restraining order was still in affect.

 

by russman
9-04-09
My sister and her new baby came to visit me last week. Her husband wouldn't come because he was afraid the plane would crash
My sister was OK with that until I pointed out that it seemed odd that he would let the two people he cared about most face certain death but wouldn't take that risk himself.
That baby cried the whole time they were here.

 

by russman
9-05-09
You've just got out of jail. You're here to see your wife. You find her making love to another man.
I'm gonna kill you and her, I can't believe I've waited three years for this.
No you're happy. You're free to start a new life with nothing to remind you of your terrible past.
What are you talking about, I loved her. This is all I've got.
Jerry had a knack for thinking quickly on his feet.
I'm the director you are going to play this the way I say or I'll get someone who can.
You mean this is a movie or something.... I should have known when I saw the video camera.

 

by russman
9-06-09
I've been looking for some extra income so I answered a help wanted ad on Craig's List.
It's for a part-time work at home position that will pay less than $200 a week.
The guy just called and wants me to update my resume and provide a few more references before our second interview.
I'd blow it off but I already spent my first weeks pay.
I found another ad for a full body massage for 100 roses.
They cost me 200 bucks and the massage left a lot to be desired.

 

by russman
9-07-09
Do you have a structured settlement. Wouldn't you like to get your money up front, instead of waiting for those monthly checks? Call J.K. Harris now.
Isn't this better.
Thanks J.K. Harris
Remember for best results continue living as you were before we bought your settlement.
Thanks J.K. Harris

 

by russman
9-08-09
Ok, lets try this one more time.
I don't want to. You promised that we wouldn't do anymore after the last time.
You know how important my work is. You will be a part of history.
OK. But It just doesn't seem that important to me.
What could be more important than making you crispy and delicious, quickly and without grease splatter.

 

by russman
9-09-09
Traffic was smooth on the ride in.
Where is everybody?
A great parking spot for once.
What if there was a meeting I forgot about or worse yet was not invited to.
If it sounds to good to be true it probably is.
Oh my God. It's Sunday again my wife is gonna kill me.

 

by russman
9-10-09
Are you in favor of the Obama health plan to provide low cost health insurance for everyone.
I agree that everyone should have the opportunity to be covered.
Would you like to pay more taxes so that illegal aliens have access to low cost plastic surgery.
Hell no. This is America,
And the debate between CNN and FOX continues.
Just as I thought, 100 percent of the people favor the Obama plan.
Who do you talk to? Everyone I spoke with was against it.

 

by russman
9-11-09
Oh man, I hate competing with you for a gig.
I've been practicing. Do you like my new dummy?
What does he do?
He can lick his own balls.
Really?
No not really, but doesn't he sound like Darth Vader with that mask on.

 

by russman
9-12-09
Good Morning Mr. Walker. Where is everyone else.
Good Morning Jen. They should be here anytime. Perhaps you and I could begin with out them.
Maybe we should wait, you did remember to give the meeting memo to everyone this time, Right.
Jen, this is a real meeting. You can see I've set places for several more people.
Maybe I'll wait outside for everone else.
C'mon, there's even water in those glasses, how much proof do you need.

 

by russman
9-13-09
Jeff didn't know why Doug liked to hang out in his cubicle.
Hey Doug.
Doug was always very protective of the Chapman account.
How's the Chapman account going.
Jeff hated Doug and the Chapman account.
Well I better get back to work.

 

by russman
9-14-09
I have an appointment with Mr. Henderson about the job.
He's not here today. He didn't say anything about any appointments.
Could you call him or something, I missed work to be here.
That's not very smart in this job market.
Thank you for your help.
I'll tell him you were here and that you were willing to miss work to look for a different job.

 

by russman
9-15-09
It looks like they have safeguards in place that should keep illegals from getting government health care.
You lie.
What if I am? Wouldn't it be better to let a few illegals slip through the cracks if it meant all of us were covered?
I'll shove this f........ tennis ball down your throat.
This is stupid. I'm going in now.
Beyonce made the best video ever.

 

by russman
9-16-09
My Mom told me never to pick up men at bars.
Your Mom sounds very wise.
She especially said to stay away from guys in the band.
Band guys get a bad reputation.
I think she's more afraid they have friends that will notice they are missing sooner.
How much further is your place, anyway?

 

by russman
9-17-09
The endless quest
Do you ever masturbate?
Of course, it's sex with someone I love.
for a good set-up man
Why do dogs lick themselves?
Are you kidding? If I could do that I would never leave the house.
continues.
Why did you want me to ask all these stupid questions? Just so you could say all those old jokes?
No. You are supposed to ask me if I have a match now.

 

by russman
9-18-09
I need to talk to you about keeping the mice cages clean.
Screw you jerk. You clean the cages. You are the mouse janitor.
I'll kill you for that. Noone disrespects the mice as long as I'm in charge.
Seriously, you are gonna kill me over the mice cages.
No that's stupid. I must want to have sex with you.
Now that makes sense.

 

by russman
9-19-09
So, I've been looking on Craig's List for a job.
I responded to one, looking for an open minded assistant.
At the interview I quickly realized that it was not my mind he wanted to be open.

 

by russman
9-20-09
One for dinner buffet.
No. It's only 2 o'clock. I just want the lunch buffet.
Ok. One for lunch. You no eat dinner selections.
I'm not one of those people that come at the end of lunch just so I can save a couple of bucks and eat dinner for the lunch price.
I'm in. Let me at those crab legs.

 

by russman
9-22-09
Wonder Twin Powers, form Of
Wonder Twin powers, form of
T-Rex
Gay porn star.
He was warned that his sense of humor would get him killed one day.

 

by russman
9-23-09
Trying to turn my girlfriend on to Monty Python.
I mean, you've slept with a woman.
Of course.
Is somewhat less that satisfying.
What's it like.
Now I know why Dad always watched the Three Stooges by himself.
Why is that funny?
See this guy who pretends to be a man of the world has never even been with a woman.

 

by russman
9-23-09
I've been beamed down to an earthlike planet. In what looks to be a mid a late 20th century bedroom. So far no sign of any alien life forms.
A life form approaches. Dressed in what looks like a bondage outfit from the same time period.
I come in peace.
What makes you think "you" will come at all.
Many times I have used my body to better understand alien lifeforms. I haven't had this much anxiety since that time that alien made me kiss Uhura.
I'm only hear to observe. I don't want to influence the outcome of this encounter.
I think you might be better able to observe by positioning yourself to utilize the mirror on the headboard of my bed.

 

by russman
9-24-09
Jim constanly tested his daughter, just to be safe.
Would you help me find my puppy?
Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!
He was worried because she would always fall for one trick or another during the test.
I've got some candy hidden in my pants. If you find it you can have it.
He's not my Daddy. Not my Daddy.
Was it wrong that he hoped she would look for the candy in his pants just one time.
Would you like to live in a tent in my back yard.
Really, like camping out. Let's go.

 

by russman
9-25-09
The damn squirrel cheats, exclaimed Ken.
He does something with his nuts. It's distracting. And no, I refuse to stoop to that level. Anyway I tried, my nuts don't work that way.
His wife smiled knowingly. Later that night at the motel she thought of the squirrel and knew her mother had been right.

 

by russman
9-26-09
Man, worked sucked today. How was school?
I got suspended for a PDA violation.
Suspended? For what, giving your boyfriend a kiss in the hallway?
Yeh. Except it was four different boys and it wasn't their mouth I was kissing.
Tell your Mom, I'll be at the bar.
Wait. I want to show you the video of it on the internet.

 

by russman
9-27-09
Can I put my finger in your belly button
I guess.
Hey, that's not my belly button.
Surprise, surprise, surprise that's not my finger.
That's pretty funny. But It sounds like something I heard a long time ago, Jim.
Wait, I can sing too.

 

by russman
9-28-09
Hey Rodney, what's up?
Not much.
It's getting to be that time of the year.
Good for you. You get the cool job.
If you could fly, you could lead the sled, you've got those two glowing eyes.
Yeah well, if you could see out of that nose...

 

by russman
9-29-09
I think I'm going to start getting up early and go jogging before work.
I'd be worried about you out there all by yourself in the dark.
I guess you're right. It wouldn't be safe.
You know how much I care about you, Babe.
He's so sweet.
What was she thinking. If something happened to her I wouldn't have any kind of alibi.

 

by russman
9-30-09
I may have to move you to a different circle. One of your daughters has accused you of raping and then having a sexual relationship with her.
No! Why would Chyna or Bijou say that? At my worst I was a terrible father but I never touched them, I swear.
It wasn't them. It was Mackenzie.
Mackenzie? The ugly horse head. Not even with your dick.
Not guilty. You may return to your circle.
May I stop by the glutton wing, I've got to tell Mama about this.

 

by russman
10-01-09
Can you just give me the Carter file and hold off on the sarcastic, juvenile, inappropiate comments this time.
I certainly could Miss Sucksnuts.
You know that's not my name.
Oh I'm sorry. I have trouble with names. What was yours again?
Mrs. Blowballs. You know I've been married over a year now.
That's right. Let me get that folder for you.

 

by russman
10-02-09
I can't believe it's barely October and they've already got me out here ringing this bell.
It's hot, but I need the work. Even though it's only $40 a day plus tips.
I mean $40 a day. All donations go to charity of course.

 

by russman
10-03-09
I would never put myself in position where I could be blackmailed by someone I've had sex with.
First off, there is no one that cares who I may have had sex with. Secondly, I've got nothing anyone would want to blackmail me for.
I wonder if Dave would like to switch places with me.

 

by russman
10-04-09
He wasn't fooled by the red phone.
It never rang. He was all but forgotten by those above.
But if the correct numbers were pressed, lunch would arrive. And sometimes that's enough, my friend, yes, sometimes that's enough.

 

by russman
10-10-09
I'm saving money by making my own toothpaste out of mans milk.
It tastes like Christmas.
And no I don't use my own. That would just be gross.

 

by russman
10-10-09
I put my goo in my hair just like in that movie.
I wanted to see if my girlfriend would take some and put it her hair.
Then I remembered I don't have a girlfriend. I got my cat to smell it though.

 

by russman
10-11-09
I'm looking for a book on the end-times.
You mean something from the Left Behind series?
No, I don't want any of that religious stuff.
The end times is a religious theory.
I just want to know who is faster. Moss or Owens.

 

by russman
10-11-09
Any day that involves beer,
bars and women is a good day.
Phillip is happy with 2 out of 3. He sometimes wishes it could be a different 2, however.

 

by russman
10-12-09
So this is where you work.
Yeah. You're not supposed to bring drinks in here.
Why not?
Well it's supposed to be sterile, plus it's just kind of gross.
Gross? I've drank in a lot of places grosser than this.
I remember some of them. And I guess we lost sterile when I realized you weren't wearing shoes.

 

by russman
10-12-09
Can I help you find Something?
I'm looking for the music department.
All we got is clothes.
Do you have any pants?
Sure do. I thought that is what you might be looking for.
Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.

 

by russman
10-13-09
I'm glad that's done, I hate show and tell.
I rather enjoy it. I love having an influence on the young impressionable minds.
I guess it is cool when they say they want to be firemen when they grow up.
I know I get that all the time, too.
Yeah, I'm sure some of the kids want to do whatever it is you do.
Hardly ever, they tell me they want to be firemen too.

 

by russman
10-13-09
Great, you're here. Lets get this party started.
What exactly do you want?
Nothing kinky, you just need to pee in the toilet then hold my head under and flush it.
That's it. No sex or anything.
Just the Golden Swirlies, now let's get started.
You'll need to leave the room I can't tinkle in front of people.

 

by russman
10-14-09
The important thing to remember
Is not who is responsible for this unfortunate situation.
But rather how we can shift the blame to someone who is not standing here.

 

by russman
10-14-09
When Gene and Pat get together
So you ready to go, Dude.
I was born ready.
woman in the town need to gird their loins.
I feel lucky tonight.
I was born lucky.
Ungirded loins are quite the turn-on to Gene. Pat also likes them ungirded but has been known to try to get a girded one if nothing else is available.
And this time I ain't getting no ugly one.
I was born ugly.

 

by russman
10-15-09
Only in America could an evil robot and a Korean whore child get to meet with the President.
You don't talk much do you whore child? What are you going to say to the president?
Sucky, sucky five dollars.
I saw that coming, maybe I'm psychic as well as evil.

 

by russman
10-16-09
Get back to Hell, spawn of Satan.
Get out of here child, you bother me.
I'll bother you when I run a stake through your cold dead heart.
C'mon little girl, go away before I have to add you to my army of the undead.
You coward, come back and at least pretend to be a man.
Dammit, if I weren't already a registered sex offender with two strikes I'd show you what kind of man I am.

 

by russman
10-17-09
Stick 'em up
What? Oh my God, don't kill me.
I'm just kidding. You got my unemployement check in that bag of yours?
I don't know, What apartment do you live in?
I don't live here. How about any birthday envelopes? It's my son and or daughters birthday today.

 

by russman
10-17-09
Father, this is a surprise.
Just visiting my flock. You haven't been in church for a while.
Just honoring the restraining order, Father.
That was ages ago and it wasn't between you and I.
I consider my son a big part of me.
I see you're still taking that little cock teasers side.

 

by russman
10-18-09
You were incredible.
I know. You weren't too bad yourself.
I think you put my tie on by mistake.
You're funny. You've still got yours. This one is mine.
You are a woman, aren't you?
Like you're really a man.

 

by russman
10-19-09
Don't you agree that it's a form of child abuse.
Well, what do we have here?
To leave your precious baby with a senile old man.
Where did you come from, Little Guy.
My Mommy's secret garden.
At least he's wearing pants this time.
That's right. From the turnip patch.
What the Hell are you talking about? It's called a vagina.

Showing page 3.

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